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Original poster

Dating reluctant men

86 replies

Bluemaid3 · 19/08/2023 14:36

Could someone explain to me why men are behaving so weirdly when dating through apps?

I've been on an app for a few months, and I've got 500+ likes, but it's really difficult to get a date and actually meet in real life! I've had everything, from the one who texts me with kisses every morning and night, but is too afraid to meet (going on 3 months now), to the one who agreed a date and then disappeared from the app without explanation, to the one who cancelled the date and unmatched because we didn't agree on where to meet early enough (?), to one who was very promising, we had 3 classic dates which went well, but he only dared to kiss me on the third and since then we have texted sweet things, but he never suggests a date and is always too busy when I ask about it, so now we haven't seen for over a month... The only one who actually dated 'normally' and was keen to see me, seemed to be mainly in it for sex, and possibly money, since he was always broke and started asking me to pay for things (and I'm not well-paid!). But I haven’t even heard back from him since I got back from holiday... Now I have a new match who also seems not to be that interested, didn't even ask me how I was last time, let alone asking me out!

Why do they seem so uninterested to actually see me? I'm in my early 40s, healthy, nice-looking, normal weight/slim, fairly active, sex positive, quite intelligent, well-educated, have my own interests, only one teenage child part-time, and I own my own flat. I'm not fussed about their age, so anything up to 60 is fine by me. I would have thought I was quite a catch but apparently not?

OP posts:
SameOldTed · 21/08/2023 00:15

I'd second the advice of@ignoringthechoc - there is some horrific behaviour and time-wasting but keep screening VERY thoroughly.

if you don't get any contacts or meets then don't stress about it.

I'm sex-positive (and not looking to get married or blend lives tomorrow ) but I'd also strongly agree with the screening she suggests involving "de-sexing" the first few meets (may apply this in future).

Once the sex/THIS IS A DATE VIBE/endomorphins (sex hormones?) gets involved it's harder to analyse or get to know someone objectively? Are they a decent human being who you can just chat with even without the promise of intimacy?

I don't think there's anything wrong with strong initial chemistry/sexy glam date vibe/passionate clinches/flirting (and I have indulged and it has led to steady things).

However, maybe its an age thing or maybe it's the fast pace of Internet dating, but it's not really been that emotionally healthy working in this way.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/08/2023 10:21

SameOldTed

when you say not emotionally healthy what do you mean ? I’m curious

im the same in that despite being q old (50) I’ve never had a shortage of offers and men to talk with and in 3 cases have sex with

the issue is that whilst I can only do something more casual , I get attached and want maybe more than what’s on offer

despite the fact I can’t committ to anything more steady

it’s v frustrating and I’m not sure what to do

NnarcissaMalfoy · 21/08/2023 10:26

beastlyslumber · 19/08/2023 15:47

Try a different app? Hinge and Bumble are good for dates. Pay for Match or similar if you want to find serious men.

I have had a great experience on the apps and met lots of great men. I'm not sure why my experience seems to be so different from the majority on MN. I'm middle aged, overweight etc so it's not that. Maybe it's just good luck.

Agree with this- the ones you pay for definitely have a higher % of men who really want to meet someone. The free ones full of timewasters

TogetherInEclecticDreams · 21/08/2023 11:22

In my experience most (obviously not all) men who are decent, want to settle down and stay that way, have done so well before 40.
Women who choose careers (or for other reasons) are looking in their thirties plus seem to have to dredge a cesspool to find a decent guy. Shoot me for saying this, it's what I've witnessed with friends and family.
Amongst my peers the ones with long marriages seem to be coupled up well before 30, myself included.

SameOldTed · 21/08/2023 11:23

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I (personally) found that letting the sexy/flirty/date stuff come in meant it was too much of an addictive artificial emotional high too soon . I think with OD the issue was it was instantly accessible, "swipe again", rather than something arising naturally.

Especially at my age when a lot of the ok guys are "naturally off the market" (similar to the OP) and there are a lot of sex addicts doing the rounds online (or any "okish" guys feeling they had multiple options so not feeling they had to be that available or reliable - Especially with no overlapping social circle for accountability if they "ghost") being "casual" seemed the recipe for a head fuck online.

So seeing if someone could commit time-wise to a few boring initial meets without anything "happening" beyond FTF chat - even if I'M the one gagging to break out the new red underwear ;-) - seems something I'd consider.

I'm sex-positive/vehemently against slut shaming but also I think it's OK to say that (with hindsight) the whole OD/casual scene can be very vulnerable, and I'm in a vulnerable position as a woman, and sex and alcohol makes me more vulnerable.

Again, probably getting old here, but also just more and more aware of how many predators there are, and how my nice life could easily be ruined by someone because I felt a bit lustful and let the wrong one in.

Cold showers and marathon training it is.

Kibris · 21/08/2023 11:39

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Bluemaid3 · 21/08/2023 12:21

beastlyslumber · 20/08/2023 05:57

OP, part of the problem is that you're tolerating this behaviour. Why are you still texting with the guy who won't ask you out? You just say, hey are we actually going on a date then? And if he say anything other than yes, and makes arrangements, then you block and move on.

Same with the guy who is asking you for money. The second that started you need to cut him out. Why are you waiting to hear back from him?

You need to raise your standards and stop accepting behaviour you don't want.

I promise you that if you approach dating with the mindset that YOU are the prize, and you cut off anyone who doesn't treat you how you want from the beginning, you will attract better guys and have a better time.

and @GreyCarpet: Because I'm nice, and I do see potential with them. The one texting is quite intellectual, so it's nice to text with him and it doesn't take that much effort anyway. If I ask about meeting he'll say let me think about it, and then never gets back. He's done that a few times. I think he's too shy. He does sound lonely. I think the problem is that if we met now, it could burst the bubble for both and it would end there. But I am getting fed up with him not making the effort.

The other one I'm a bit more baffled by, it was going so well. He was sending me pics of himself quite a lot, when I was on holiday and we kept on texting quite a bit, so I was assuming we would meet when I was back. But no intention to meet it seems, all of a sudden! It was quite hurtful how he was texting about it too, telling me about how busy he is seeing all sorts of other people instead, his sister etc. and not even suggesting any possible dates. And he didn't reply to me when I said "it doesn't look like we are going to see very soon then"! So I'm not texting back if he doesn't.

I'm not seriously waiting for the broke guy who was just into sex to come back, and if he did I would tell him where to go. But it was refreshing to meet someone who wasn't beating around the bush, since I hadn't seen anyone for 6 months...

I think I do have standards, I just don't believe in these artificial rules of "if not bla bla in 2 weeks I'm out", they sound quite silly to be honest, and designed to just make you go back to shift through more inadequate people and ultimately end up alone. Everybody has faults, no-one is perfect anyway. It's a question of what faults you can tolerate and what not. To build a relationship, you only need to do it with one person, but to do it well! That means work and patience...

But I think I'm actually going to give up, I had a really nice day with my ex yesterday, so I think I'm going to try to get back with him if he'll take me, he's so much more caring than any of these guys I've met online and he has actually fixed some of his faults (stopped drinking!!!).

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluemaid3 · 21/08/2023 12:41

EarthSight · 19/08/2023 22:14

the one who texts me with kisses every morning and night

This type might be a bit lonely, but doesn't actually want a real life flesh & blood person. Other than having the validation of knowing you are a real woman, they might be fine with an A.I girlfriend programme.

Other than that, could be a few things. Fear of rejection, maybe they have a small penis and just can't handle someone else having an issue with it, maybe they have a health problem they'd rather not disclose which they might have to reveal to you if meeting in person.

Maybe online kisses will be all that you get from those who aren't in fact single. They just want some thrills.

And then there are those who are stringing you along, bookmarking you in case they hit a dry patch in their sex lives at which point they will finally increase contact with you. It's the equivalent of them putting several fishing rods out at the same time.

I'm not fussed about their age, so anything up to 60 is fine by me
That age gap might be just about ok now, but imagine it in 10 years' time. You might age well, but they might age really badly and that could put a real strain on you.

If women such as yourself stopped dating men almost 20 years older than themselves, we might actually get someone as women. Older men might actually stop behaving like opportunistic, entitled Lotharios that think they can pull much younger women.

Well I happen to quite like older men, I guess people are allowed their quirks... My ex husband was over 20 years older than me too.
I've also noticed that men around 40 on these apps seem to be fairly immature, a lot of them are still saying things like "would like kids one day" or "not sure whether to have kids", even though it's starting to be too late for women of that age! They are still living the party lifestyle, or in a rented room, looking for casual etc. so they don't seem to be on the same wavelength. The ones who are settled and have older kids like me are in a tiny minority.
I've had more luck looking around the 50 mark!

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluemaid3 · 21/08/2023 13:00

SameOldTed · 21/08/2023 00:15

I'd second the advice of@ignoringthechoc - there is some horrific behaviour and time-wasting but keep screening VERY thoroughly.

if you don't get any contacts or meets then don't stress about it.

I'm sex-positive (and not looking to get married or blend lives tomorrow ) but I'd also strongly agree with the screening she suggests involving "de-sexing" the first few meets (may apply this in future).

Once the sex/THIS IS A DATE VIBE/endomorphins (sex hormones?) gets involved it's harder to analyse or get to know someone objectively? Are they a decent human being who you can just chat with even without the promise of intimacy?

I don't think there's anything wrong with strong initial chemistry/sexy glam date vibe/passionate clinches/flirting (and I have indulged and it has led to steady things).

However, maybe its an age thing or maybe it's the fast pace of Internet dating, but it's not really been that emotionally healthy working in this way.

I don't normally indulge in anything like that until the 3rd date, but I think it's important to find out whether there is any chemistry like that BY the 3rd date (not meaning you have to go to bed), or else not much point continuing, it's such an important part of the relationship. That's why I was getting worried about only getting a kiss on the 3rd date, seems quite reserved?

OP posts:
Disturbia81 · 21/08/2023 14:57

Why are you going up to 60? Don't encourage the pervs who like younger women. Are you also going down to 20?

Disturbia81 · 21/08/2023 15:00

EarthSight · 19/08/2023 22:14

the one who texts me with kisses every morning and night

This type might be a bit lonely, but doesn't actually want a real life flesh & blood person. Other than having the validation of knowing you are a real woman, they might be fine with an A.I girlfriend programme.

Other than that, could be a few things. Fear of rejection, maybe they have a small penis and just can't handle someone else having an issue with it, maybe they have a health problem they'd rather not disclose which they might have to reveal to you if meeting in person.

Maybe online kisses will be all that you get from those who aren't in fact single. They just want some thrills.

And then there are those who are stringing you along, bookmarking you in case they hit a dry patch in their sex lives at which point they will finally increase contact with you. It's the equivalent of them putting several fishing rods out at the same time.

I'm not fussed about their age, so anything up to 60 is fine by me
That age gap might be just about ok now, but imagine it in 10 years' time. You might age well, but they might age really badly and that could put a real strain on you.

If women such as yourself stopped dating men almost 20 years older than themselves, we might actually get someone as women. Older men might actually stop behaving like opportunistic, entitled Lotharios that think they can pull much younger women.

Exactly, she is part of the problem of why women can't always meet someone their own age. Entitled older men who always aim younger 🤢

JibbaJab · 21/08/2023 17:26

I think blaming OP is harsh, that's her type. Men are like that regardless, nothing to do with women who are seeking older. There's also men who like older women but I would say it's pretty standard for most men to jump at a younger woman, it's always been that way. Now it's just easier to find them, the pool is big and within that pool you're gonna come across arseholes, time wasters and chancers with genuines mixed in there.

I would see a woman younger than myself or older, within reason, depends on the person at the end of the day.

Whereas those who aren't committed and are out to sleep around, they will likely choose younger, looking at it from how men think, why wouldn't they... nothing will change that, just how people are.

Disturbia81 · 21/08/2023 17:31

JibbaJab · 21/08/2023 17:26

I think blaming OP is harsh, that's her type. Men are like that regardless, nothing to do with women who are seeking older. There's also men who like older women but I would say it's pretty standard for most men to jump at a younger woman, it's always been that way. Now it's just easier to find them, the pool is big and within that pool you're gonna come across arseholes, time wasters and chancers with genuines mixed in there.

I would see a woman younger than myself or older, within reason, depends on the person at the end of the day.

Whereas those who aren't committed and are out to sleep around, they will likely choose younger, looking at it from how men think, why wouldn't they... nothing will change that, just how people are.

... Nah.

JibbaJab · 21/08/2023 18:07

Disturbia81 · 21/08/2023 17:31

... Nah.

Show quote history

Nah, what? You think men don't tick that way or it is women like her at fault and that's the reason there's no men available?

myNewName21 · 21/08/2023 18:24

TheOGCCL · 19/08/2023 14:51

It'd be great to hear from some of the men. I think maybe it's a mixture of people being generally quite flaky these days and a sense, from the apps, that there's a infinite cookie jar to pick from so why just take the first one you're offered.

I am ( was really ) one of those men - some of my thoughts ( in no order).
a “like” doesn’t really mean anything, the OP alluded to having 500 + likes so they don’t really carry much weight.
I found that most women don’t respond to opening messages , so a lot of men will blanket like/ message lots of women in the hope of getting a response, maybe they will end up with 2 or 3 from 10.

most women ( I found) don’t send many likes or opening messages, so if you do want to get a date or even just a chat going, it’s not simple,

As for the cookie jar analogy, it’s like a shelf full of cookie jars, but each jar is sealed and you cannot get your hand inside

myNewName21 · 21/08/2023 18:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I think that’s 50% true, I think some men can certainly cast far and wide, but the net of often empty

Tangerinedreams3 · 21/08/2023 18:43

In the 40s to 60s group I get the impression there are two sorts who will remain steadfastly single for very different reasons.

Group A. Men aged 50-65 who are the fish pic guys, the stick-your- tongue-out pic guys, the pic in the gym or bathroom guys. Often they haven't looked after themselves, look very old and out of shape, but feel entitled to a woman in her 40s or younger.

Group B. Women in their 40s who look responsibly good, (but not Elle McPherson, ok) who have financial clout, kids (or not) strong friends and good boundaries.

Group B women won't consider group A. Neither are the decent guys in their 40s interested in the group B 40s women, because they want younger girls.

OLD is a stalemate and a non starter for both groups for a long term relationship.

Group A men might get a bite from a woman who is vulnerable.

Group B women might get quite a lot of sex offers from younger guys (MILF phenomenon) but nothing suitable for the long term.

EarthSight · 21/08/2023 19:12

Disturbia81 · 21/08/2023 14:57

Why are you going up to 60? Don't encourage the pervs who like younger women. Are you also going down to 20?

This.

mildlydispeptic · 21/08/2023 19:22

@Tangerinedreams3 very elegant analysis of the dating economy. I think you pretty much nailed it.

Tangerinedreams3 · 21/08/2023 19:25

Thanks. Just spotted a typo. I meant
"reasonably good" not "responsibly good"

Original poster
Bluemaid3 · 21/08/2023 19:50

myNewName21 · 21/08/2023 18:24

I am ( was really ) one of those men - some of my thoughts ( in no order).
a “like” doesn’t really mean anything, the OP alluded to having 500 + likes so they don’t really carry much weight.
I found that most women don’t respond to opening messages , so a lot of men will blanket like/ message lots of women in the hope of getting a response, maybe they will end up with 2 or 3 from 10.

most women ( I found) don’t send many likes or opening messages, so if you do want to get a date or even just a chat going, it’s not simple,

As for the cookie jar analogy, it’s like a shelf full of cookie jars, but each jar is sealed and you cannot get your hand inside

Show quote history

I was talking about what happens after you've matched with someone and started to chat with them. On Bumble only women can start the chat, so if a woman has liked you and messaged you, they are definitely interested. The problem is then that these guys I chat with don't really seem that interested, or they are initially but they won't agree on a date, or show very little interest/effort, even though they've liked me. So it gets very discouraging very fast. Maybe the guys need to be a bit more discerning and not blanket like! What is the point of that, it just wastes everyone's time?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluemaid3 · 21/08/2023 19:59

Disturbia81 · 21/08/2023 14:57

Why are you going up to 60? Don't encourage the pervs who like younger women. Are you also going down to 20?

Read what I wrote above before commenting. No I'm not interested in boys!
I think @Tangerinedreams3 analysis is correct, the men my age are interested in 30-yr olds to start a family with. They don't want someone nearly menopausal... so I have to aim for the 50-yr old divorcees with older kids who don't need more but are looking to itch their middle age crisis. Blaming the women in this is a bit much, I can't choose what's not being offered...

OP posts:
myNewName21 · 21/08/2023 20:15

@Bluemaid3 i would guess that they are not interested because they are not really interested in you once that chat gets going, as I alluded to earlier “likes” don’t really mean anything, it’s just a virtual hello really

MrsFiddle · 21/08/2023 20:15

I think quite a lot of men are scared of women who own their own property and have a bit of a life.

Cheatingquestion · 21/08/2023 20:42

TogetherInEclecticDreams loads and loads of men put their careers first and don’t settle down until late 30s and 40s

im dating online, as a late 30 something year old, and plenty of decent men my age want to date

im in London so may be in a different part of the country to you

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