Is this just how marriage goes?

[Mysteriousgirl2]

So you meet someone, fall in love and plan a wedding.

Years down the line (9, to be precise), you are stuck with someone that you just don’t really fancy anymore and you have to live with the decision you made. Is that it?

My own situation: DH is 14 years older than me, we have 3DC. I have spent many years taking extended maternity and then part time jobs whilst he has had full access to his career. He does not share his money fairly and I pay for most bills etc. He has never had to take a day off work to take after a sick child, nor had to shorten his work day for pick up.

I feel resentment towards him for two main reasons: 1. He does not feel attached and therefore burdened by the children in anything like the same way I do. His work and life has carried on exactly the same way as pre-children. One of my DC was born on a Friday and I remember feeling pleased because at least he could make cups of tea for me over the weekend before returning to work on Monday (for the others he was back in work the very next day). 2. He’s incredibly tight with money. For instance, if I buy the children new school shoes and ask him to pay half, he won’t and will say I should have bought them secondhand. He won’t pay for music lessons (even though he can easily afford them) as he says it’s my choice that my DC want to do them.

I’d probably be better off on my own. But is this just normal among most marriages and for most men?

I think he is saving his money and hiding it. Can you snoop amongst his paperwork. Do you have access to his emails or bank account.
If not I would insist he shows me online bank statements

No this isn't normal.

Divorce him and you might be financially better off as he will be forced to share his assets (your assets really seeing as you have enabled his career / earnings) and make ongoing contributions to child maintenance. It sounds like you'd almost certainly be emotionally better off.

Just caught up some of your recent posts. I suspect he's lying. Either about his income or his expenditures (he's spending a lot of money somewhere eg undisclosed debts, gambling, other addictions) or both.

You can't remain in this situation. In 15-20 years you could easily become the carer for this selfish man who you don't love. Or, you could leave him, reclaim your life and make what you want of it.

If he's only earning £20-30k why didn't you know this before? Why are you sitting on pots of money and struggling to live on a low salary between you? This is a weird set up.

But no it's not normal to resent and dislike your husband. He sounds quite dislikeable.

Anyone who tells a 36 yo woman she is menopausal is bullshitting.

Why wouldn't you claim CMS for your children? It's for them not for you. Marriage is a voluntary arrangement. If you no longer love him and he clearly doesn't give 2 fucks about you or the DC then leave him. Don't deny your DC their CMS though.

Why wouldn't you claim CMS for your children? It's for them not for you. Marriage is a voluntary arrangement. If you no longer love him and he clearly doesn't give 2 fucks about you or the DC then leave him. Don't deny your DC their CMS though.

I think you would probably be better off on your own, to be honest with you @Mysteriousgirl2 You would not have lots of money but you would get help with benefits. I would go on the housing list if I were you. Is there anyone you can stay with for a bit and then present as homeless? Your DH sounds awful (sorry!)

And no not all marriages are is like this. Very few of the ones I know of anyway. I've been with my husband over 35 years. and whilst he could be a bit tight with money for the first 5 to 7 years, we still paid 50-50 with everything - because I worked as well, and actually earned a bit more than he did!

And when the kids came along he would throw more money at things like prams and pushchairs and cots and stuff like that, because he earned 40% to 50% more than me because he worked more hours. When the kids were small (9-10 years into our relationship/5-6 years into the marriage,) we started pooling finances. I really despair when I see these cases of women who only earn half of what the husband earns and they still pay half for everything. They even pay the entire childcare bill sometimes!

Fourteen years into a marriage and three kids together and you still have this your money/my money bullshit going on. That is not a marriage .. I could not stay if my DH was like this. Yes, it's fine when you're a couple early on in a relationship, and earning roughly the same amount of money and you haven't got kids. But after that it's important to pool finances. Any man who refuses to do that can fuck off quite frankly. I would not have kids with him. These men have got it made haven't they? A maid, a cook, a housekeeper, a cleaner, a nanny, and someone to shag when it suits them, and someone to fork out half of everything financially too!

I do know a few couples where she earns a lot less than him, and yet she still pays 50% towards everything. And I really genuinely feel sorry for her, and think 'I could not stay.' Me and my husband pool our money together. I earn about probably 15% less than him. That's because I work less hours.

But even when I was earning 40% to 50% less - some years ago when I was working even less hours, we still just pooled the money together - and then bought what we wanted when we wanted within reason.

There was no my money/your money. I've seen aunts and uncles and friends of my mom and dads in the past - where the man kept all the money and the woman hardly had anything - and she was on the bones of her arse while he was boozing and playing golf and out at footie matches... And I thought no fucking way in hell am I going to do that.

Well it says a lot that if he's had a catastrophic drop in earnings that he never thought to mention it before

Yeah, that's what I find particularly weird.

I don't know enough about business finances to know whether it's plausible or not, but even if you take him at his word - that's crazy to me, that he never thought this was any of your business. That he's been doing his accounts every year and never letting you know about them, and it sounds like you haven't been asking either? I can't imagine being so in the dark about what my husband earns. He really doesn't see you as a team.