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Original poster

Is this just how marriage goes?

111 replies

Mysteriousgirl2 · 18/08/2023 16:44

So you meet someone, fall in love and plan a wedding.

Years down the line (9, to be precise), you are stuck with someone that you just don’t really fancy anymore and you have to live with the decision you made. Is that it?

My own situation: DH is 14 years older than me, we have 3DC. I have spent many years taking extended maternity and then part time jobs whilst he has had full access to his career. He does not share his money fairly and I pay for most bills etc. He has never had to take a day off work to take after a sick child, nor had to shorten his work day for pick up.

I feel resentment towards him for two main reasons: 1. He does not feel attached and therefore burdened by the children in anything like the same way I do. His work and life has carried on exactly the same way as pre-children. One of my DC was born on a Friday and I remember feeling pleased because at least he could make cups of tea for me over the weekend before returning to work on Monday (for the others he was back in work the very next day). 2. He’s incredibly tight with money. For instance, if I buy the children new school shoes and ask him to pay half, he won’t and will say I should have bought them secondhand. He won’t pay for music lessons (even though he can easily afford them) as he says it’s my choice that my DC want to do them.

I’d probably be better off on my own. But is this just normal among most marriages and for most men?

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 18/08/2023 17:27

First marriage became very miserable ,very quickly. A lot of what you have written applied to me. Second marriage absolutely not. Been together 23 years. Fancy each other,like and love each other. All money pooled and equally shared. Share domestic jobs and food shopping and cooking. My children from my first marriage adore their step dad. Both live close by with wives and 1 grandchild so far.A happy marriage is so far away from what you have described Op.

HamishTheCamel · 18/08/2023 17:28

This isn't normal in my marriage (married 20 years with 3 DC). I still find him attractive and all money is shared equally.

dottiedodah · 18/08/2023 17:32

He sounds tight ,miserable and unfair.I think you would be better off alone by the sounds of it.Why are you accepting this.Many stories on here are similar but lots of women leave .Its the 21st century ,women no longer have to put up with it! Second hand shoes are not good for growing feet .Music lessons are beneficial to DC learning skills as well.Ducks In A Row time I think!

BobbleForAHat · 18/08/2023 17:46

Surely divorce is the best thing you can do. Right now you get nothing, divorce will see you with at least a percentage of the marital home and his pension if he pays into one. It will also cost you one person less too for food etc. Use that money to pay for a cleaner each week. Plus he won't be around so surely that is a bonus too.

And no marriage is not like this. I have been married for 24 years, Dh is my favourite person in the world. Generous with money which is fortunate because I don't earn any. Generous with his time for me and the children which is what I value most. Made every sports day in primary, prioritises them and me, makes me a cup of tea every evening after dinner.

Make an appointment with a solicitor, see where you stand financially.

Hairyfairy01 · 18/08/2023 17:51

He sounds controlling and at best finically abusive. None of this is normal at all. However why hasn't he ever had to pick the kids up from school early, or take a day off when they are sick? Presumably this has sometimes happened on days when you have been working? Are you enabling him? I would LTB but definitely get every penny you can for CMS.

Bex5490 · 18/08/2023 17:51

How did you end up paying for everything? If you asked him for half of the house or shopping bills, how could he possibly justify saying no? What does his family think? Is it a secret to everyone else that he doesn’t contribute or is he happy for all your friends and family to know that this is going on?

MissHarrietBede · 18/08/2023 17:51

He will be stashing money away as he pays so little to live and care for the DC.

Bex5490 · 18/08/2023 17:52

Sorry I don’t mean to at all sound judgmental of you - just can’t believe you’ve had to put up with this for so long. It sounds like you deserve waaaay better…

Prelapsarianhag · 18/08/2023 17:53

Financially abusvie and horrible. He would damange his DC's little feet with second hand shoes. Fuck this arsehole - leave him.

mummymeister · 18/08/2023 17:54

The reason you dont fancy him any more is pretty bloody obvious. he is financially abusive. why isnt all the money in a joint account for joint household bills in proportion with wages earned? meanness is a really really unattractive quality and I would be sitting down with him now and drawing up some new household rules. make it clear, he takes them on board or you are off.

I have been married 30+ years. all money shared from day 1 when I was the highest earner, when I went on mat leave and then when we set up our own business. complete financial transparency. and I get nagged to spend more on things not less.

TinyTeacher · 18/08/2023 17:57

No, it's not normal. I'm the first to admit my DH is not perfect - he doesn't do a fair share of housework/childcare. We're miles off 50:50 and he particularly doesn't do the really crap bits - I was frustrated by his ability to sleep while toddler was having a melt down at breakfast time this morning.

BUT there's a gap between imperfect and what you describe. Of course finances should be equally shared. Two common ways of doing this are either to have equal "pocket money" while the rest goes into joint account, or alternatively transfer in proportion to income. But neither of those should leave a high earner squabbling over shoes! Music lessons is a bugger expense, so might be justifiable - large expediture should of course be discussed/agreed.

I don't fancy my DH in the same way as I did when we may at 18. A good thing in some ways - that kind of obsessive passion is quite distracting! I suspect a lot of other things would be sliding if we were all over each other like that still. But that doesn't mean there's no passion/attraction at all. 3DC and4th on the way opportunities for passion are less often but we still have a decent, if far less frequent, sex life.

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 18/08/2023 17:57

The issue with divorcing is that I have got a lot of assets. I could lose a lot more than he will.

But I can’t go on like this. I’ve lost respect for him now because of how he is treating me.

The worst is that whenever I mention I’m unhappy, he blames it on the menopause (I’m 37) His brother did exactly the same when his DP left him and I hate it. It’s like a total lack of recognition that they have done anything wrong. His brother was very similar about money too.

I don’t want to lose half of all my money and assets but it might the price I pay to be free of him.

OP posts:
mummymeister · 18/08/2023 18:00

@Mysteriousgirl2 you havent seen a solicitor yet you have no idea what you will and wont lose. go and talk to someone. start making a list of the assets you brought into the relationship and how things have been in the past years with regards to money. you are thinking of reasons why not to without the facts. and money is absolutely nothing, neither are possessions when compared to your happiness and that of your children long term.

always2323 · 18/08/2023 18:00

I wouldn't label him financial abusive from the information given. An absolute tight arse yes!

As with the assets, that's the chance you take with marriage! Surely the courts will consider who has brought what to the marriage though.

Some people turn out to be nothing like we thought. I would put your happiness above everything else

Hopingforno2in2023 · 18/08/2023 18:01

Not normal no. DH regularly fits his work around DS and has no issue spending money on stuff for both DS and I.

AppleTurnover1000Degrees · 18/08/2023 18:02

GorillaInBikini · 18/08/2023 16:48

No, fancy the pants off my husband and we have a joint account and agree budgets together.

Why haven't you left?

Same here.

Rec0veringAcademic · 18/08/2023 18:04

A sexist, tight (but greedy) man in his 50s who dictates, restricts, and criticizes your every move while exploiting you vs a free life.
There's a no-brainer if ever there was one.

No way could I live like this.

cadink · 18/08/2023 18:05

I read the first part and didn't need to finish it. He doesn't share his money or the childcare. What an arse. You deserve better - leave him

LuckyPeonies · 18/08/2023 18:06

No, this is not normal. Unless he did not want kids and made clear he was going to hands-off if you chose to have them.

BringOnSummerHolidays · 18/08/2023 18:11

No not normal. Did you enter the relationship as equals? As in you both earn similar amounts? With the age gap I suspect he was much further on in his career and you simply ended up in the situation where you became the one who sacrificed your identity for the family. With the resentment that he gave up nothing but you everything, it’s hard for you to try and build a relationship or continue to fancy him.

BringOnSummerHolidays · 18/08/2023 18:11

You really deserve better than this.

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 18/08/2023 18:17

BringOnSummerHolidays · 18/08/2023 18:11

No not normal. Did you enter the relationship as equals? As in you both earn similar amounts? With the age gap I suspect he was much further on in his career and you simply ended up in the situation where you became the one who sacrificed your identity for the family. With the resentment that he gave up nothing but you everything, it’s hard for you to try and build a relationship or continue to fancy him.

When I moved in with him, I was earning less. I was 28 ish and had only been out of uni a few years. However, I paid half of the bills back then.

OP posts:
Usernamen · 18/08/2023 18:20

If you don’t fancy him now, it will only get worse. Age gaps get bigger with age.

Are you really going to want to have sex with a mean 60 year-old when you hit your sexual prime?

YoBeaches · 18/08/2023 18:29

OP were your assets pre marital? Is so you may find they are protected from being included in divorce.

But either way you're in a crap relationship that your kids are learning from. You will always be better off out of it.

Original poster
Mysteriousgirl2 · 18/08/2023 18:34

No, the assets were not pre-marital.

I inherited a large sum 2 years ago which he of course knows about. I took the advice of an IFA and invested carefully in both property and shares.

It pisses me off, though, that he understands this and doesn’t pay his way fairly at all.

I will see a solicitor to see what they say, but it looks like I will lose a lot.

OP posts: