Is this just how marriage goes?

[Mysteriousgirl2]

So you meet someone, fall in love and plan a wedding.

Years down the line (9, to be precise), you are stuck with someone that you just don’t really fancy anymore and you have to live with the decision you made. Is that it?

My own situation: DH is 14 years older than me, we have 3DC. I have spent many years taking extended maternity and then part time jobs whilst he has had full access to his career. He does not share his money fairly and I pay for most bills etc. He has never had to take a day off work to take after a sick child, nor had to shorten his work day for pick up.

I feel resentment towards him for two main reasons: 1. He does not feel attached and therefore burdened by the children in anything like the same way I do. His work and life has carried on exactly the same way as pre-children. One of my DC was born on a Friday and I remember feeling pleased because at least he could make cups of tea for me over the weekend before returning to work on Monday (for the others he was back in work the very next day). 2. He’s incredibly tight with money. For instance, if I buy the children new school shoes and ask him to pay half, he won’t and will say I should have bought them secondhand. He won’t pay for music lessons (even though he can easily afford them) as he says it’s my choice that my DC want to do them.

I’d probably be better off on my own. But is this just normal among most marriages and for most men?

Inheritance is yours unless you use it as a marital asset.

Youll get more than half as you will have the children. If he’s not interested in having them 50:50 he’ll have to pay maintenance.

What you are describing is financial abuse on his part. If you do decide to split, then you must put in a CMS claim and request your share of his pension. It is good you are going to see a solicitor as they will give you the correct advice on whether you can protect any of your assets. If it looks as though he is hiding any of his assets (being self employed, this is possible) you may need a forensic accountant.

At 37, you are highly unlikely to be peri menopausal so he is just gaslighting you by saying "it's not me, it's your hormones". He knows he is tight with money and controlling. It is a good idea to get your kids away from that atmosphere so they can learn to be sensible with money rather than mean.

I'm properly menopausal and we're still very happy. Better actually as there's a better balance these days.

Abusive twathead, leave before he goes more downhill as he ages, will only get worse.

Been with my husband 10 years (3 years married) and definitely not like this for me.

I still get butterflies and excited when he comes home from work. Our money is completely shared so we can buy whatever we need so never argue about money etc.

Meanness over money is the worst quality in a partner, highly unattractive. I'm not surprised you no longer fancy him.
I think you will be better off without him, at least he will have to help support his three children.

Visualise your future as a free woman, OP! Doesn't it look better?

Well of course it’s not normal but you need to take some responsibility here too - you chose to have 3 children with this mean man despite knowing what he was like. You chose to give up work. Just leave him.

Sounds awful. And no not normal. I think you try and sort it out seriously with him or leave. You can’t go on like this. Getting out in your 30s is much more heathly than wasting more of your life with this guy.

Yes it really does actually.

Yes I agree with this and acknowledge that giving up work for a bit was not sensible.

No - he doesn't understand the meaning of marriage - the whole point is that you're a team. He think it's you vs him, totting up points and money owed. That's wrong and I don't understand what he thought marriage actually was.

However, the question you actually asked was is it normal to stop fancying someone and then you're stuck with them... Well, that can happen too, but I'm not sure of the connection between that and the issues you are (rightly) complaining about here. Are you saying you've stopped fancying him as a result of his behaviour? (Which is fair enough, if so!)

This is not a marriage. It sounds horrible.

My husband is also the main earner but he transfers me 70% of his wages every time he gets paid and I manage the finances - he’s aware of where it’s all going but he’s useless with money so calls me his treasurer. He sent me £150 extra this week to treat the kids during the holidays.

This morning, he had booked the day off work, he got up with the kids and left me to have a lay in then sent me off into town with some money to have a mooch about and get a coffee on my own - bliss. While I was out he sorted the garden and played with the kids. When I got back he took the kids and the dog out for 2 hours while I got the house clean and tidy ready for the weekend. Tonight he’s buying us a lovely Turkish takeaway.

Tomorrow I’ll get up with the kids and leave him to have a lay in. It’s teamwork. Giving each other a break. Looking after each other. Being considerate.

And we’ll most definitely be having an amazing shag later after our yummy dinner and a night watching a box set together because we still fancy the pants off of each other.

If I were you I’d be getting access to as much documentation - bank statements, mortgage docs, pension statements etc and get ready to divorce. Don’t waste your life with a tight arsed selfish man. So unattractive and you’d be better off alone - financially, emotionally, mentally - than stuck in a marriage where you don’t even like the other person. And I don’t blame you for that.

Hey, it was fair enough since you did at least have the protection of marriage... Don't beat yourself up. He should have been gladly supporting you all this time. You should be able to trust your husband - sadly, yours does not seem to have got the memo.

We have a joint pot. Most married friends I know have a joint pot.

I would be resentful too in your situation.

Oh no, this sounds horrible. Particularly the meanness.

Get out now OP and Take half of everything. What's he bringing to your marriage?

Do you want your retirement to be alongside a skinflint miser?

You could well become his Carer at a young age too.

Inheritance is not always treated as a joint asset in divorce. You need good advice.

You could always boot him out and not actually divorce him;you get to keep your assets and you get him out of your home.

I'm guessing he'll probably not bother to want shared custody?

Assets are treated differently depending on the country. Where I live (not UK), everything that was yours before marriage and your own inheritance is not joint asset, therefore you get to keep it. I think, however, it is not like that in UK. Do contact solicitor for advice. Good luck OP

BTW my ex was like that with money, drove me absolutely nuts. He will only ever enjoy spending money on himself, me and the kids, no way. This eats at you. I survived 25 years, but this and a load of other bullshit I had to take from him finally destroyed every ounce of love and respect I had for him, what was left was just resentment. Get away while you can OP. It will be worth it.

Why would a father who earns decent money WANT his kids to wear second hand shoes? He's incredibly selfish not only to you but to them, does he spend all his money on only himself?

Not inevitable at all. Nineteen years married and I adore my husband. And vice versa.

Oops that's it. We could all see he was being financially abusive but this bit about choosing the supermarket (where you spend YOUR money!) is explicit control behaviour. I've seen it before with a friend, interestingly over supermarkets.

The man is in serious need of something and not you. You need to leave. He is ruining your life. Your kids are learning how to be a manipulative bastard.

This sounds pretty awful OP, I wouldn't want this kind of relationship. I've been with my partner for 25 years and I'd say that our relationship gets better every year.

Definitely get some legal advice and see how things would look if you leave the marriage.

What an odd post. Would you care to elaborate?

Nope, not common at all. I adore my DH (12 years married), he pulls his weight with DC despite working extremely long hours and is a great provider and all finances are shared and split equality.

You would definitely be better off on your own. Spiritually and emotionally I mean. No idea about financials but it doesn't sound like he's supportive or pulling his weight there either especially considering he's always been at work!!