Is this just how marriage goes?

[Mysteriousgirl2]

So you meet someone, fall in love and plan a wedding.

Years down the line (9, to be precise), you are stuck with someone that you just don’t really fancy anymore and you have to live with the decision you made. Is that it?

My own situation: DH is 14 years older than me, we have 3DC. I have spent many years taking extended maternity and then part time jobs whilst he has had full access to his career. He does not share his money fairly and I pay for most bills etc. He has never had to take a day off work to take after a sick child, nor had to shorten his work day for pick up.

I feel resentment towards him for two main reasons: 1. He does not feel attached and therefore burdened by the children in anything like the same way I do. His work and life has carried on exactly the same way as pre-children. One of my DC was born on a Friday and I remember feeling pleased because at least he could make cups of tea for me over the weekend before returning to work on Monday (for the others he was back in work the very next day). 2. He’s incredibly tight with money. For instance, if I buy the children new school shoes and ask him to pay half, he won’t and will say I should have bought them secondhand. He won’t pay for music lessons (even though he can easily afford them) as he says it’s my choice that my DC want to do them.

I’d probably be better off on my own. But is this just normal among most marriages and for most men?

Indeed. DH and I have had our ups and downs. But never has he grudged his own kids clothes and food. Or tried to tell me it's his money.

No, it doesn't have to be like this.

I love and fancy my husband and his money is mine.

It's not perfect and we fall out and argue, but nowhere near what you're describing. Get out! You deserve so much, you've had his kids and this is how he treats you!!! What a scumbag. He should treat you like a queen for the rest of your life as the bare minimum for giving birth to his children.

There's just no reason at all for you to be buying all the food. Especially when a lot of it is for him. You go halves at least.

I am not sure if it's normal but the kids and I spend all H's money because (his words) "what else would I spend it on"

I could not tolerate a marriage like this. My husband and I pay for things for our son and household out of our own accounts and our joint account — we don’t really track things precisely because if we need to pay for something big, whoever has more money in the account makes the purchase. We consider the income we both make to be marital income, so any savings at the end of the month is joint savings.

Reading threads on here though, it seems a lot of husbands operate like yours does, which I’ve been very surprised by. I don’t understand the mentality. What does your husband do with his money? Do you have any idea? I would just find it so bizarre that my partner was hoarding money that could be spent on his family and children. It would make it hard for me to trust him.

Had a chat with my DH following some of the comments on here. I told him that I feel that he’s taking advantage of me financially. He’s admitted to me that he isn’t making anywhere near the sort of money that he used to. I think he’s a bit embarrassed about it. He does seem to be always working though. He used to earn 100K but is now around the 20- 30K mark and has been since the pandemic.

I’ve asked him what he wants from me: if I do all the childcare, then he needs to share his salary. If I go back to work full time (which I am soon) then he needs to help with childcare. He can’t have the best of both worlds. He told me that all his money seems to go on tax, VAT and his business related bills. To be fair, he doesn’t ever spend money on himself.

It’s annoying because he has great flexibility with his work and has no boss. If I did that sort of work, our family wouldn’t have enough money to exist. I’ve even asked how he would fund a household if I left (at this point I made it clear how unhappy I felt). He said he couldn’t afford to. 😬

Such a big age gap

I’d say that the first part is fairly normal. I fancied one bf for six years but he looked like a young Robert Downey Jr. (I only stopped fancying once I moved in with him and he became very controlling and abusive). But most women won’t fancy the same man for more than a year or two especially if they’re a lot older. It’s just biology.

The rest is absolutely not normal. You’re being financially abused.

I'm not even married and my DP does more!

He also works away during the week and still provides half of everything when he stays only 3 nights a week at home.

You'd be better off alone. I hate saying this...sometimes the age difference matters massivelye more than you think, its not just the years but its actually a generational difference. You DH sounds like he is stuck in the 50s. Even my dad (now 70s) wouldn't treat my mum like this.

And that's coming from someone with a 10 year age diff 😂

Sometimes the age difference matters massively more than you think, its not just the years but its actually a generational difference.

Yes I am coming to terms with this. When we met, I looked up to him as he was charming, very good looking and kind. Now I find him controlling and unpleasant. I don’t fancy him at all. He’s also nothing like my friends’ partners and I feel a bit left out.

He just turned 50 when our last child was born and the age gap is now really starting to show. I feel like the best years of my life are slipping by.

We are on a UK holiday now (which I have paid for in full) and I just feel so miserable.

100k pre-covid is alot, what has he done with it ? Do you think he has savings you know nothing about ?

My parents divorced when I was 12 and I'm glad they did as it was horrible living with parents who didnt want to be together (well mum didnt want to be with dad, just like you!).

Think you've got decide if your relationship is dead or would you be open to him trying change ? They way things are at the moment isn't good for anyone, life is so special, I'd really think about things and then go for it x

I would want proof of his income! OP honestly just leave. There's inequality in the relationship.

I have a whole thread on my own issues about inequality and the absolute arse that my partner can be.

The relationship will suck the life out of you. Make plans to go x

Divorce! C'Mon you'll be so much better off. How old are you? I'd suggest retraining in a good solid highly desirable profession that interests you, and leaving him just as you qualify. Tell him you want to be able to contribute more so he needs to help pay for it, or take out student loans which will be half his. Honestly if I were you I'd want revenge on this fucker before walking out,

As name suggests, my marriage isn’t the best at the moment. However, I wouldn’t swap with you under any circumstances. Your husband sounds absolutely vile.We have one child and my husband is devoted to her. I can forgive a lot based on that devotion.

You do know that in 2023, and indeed for the 50 years I have been in relationships, women do not need to do as men say? In a way you are enabling his poor behaviour as a father and a husband.I would not be buying all the food, especially for a greedy guts, or shopping at his prescribed supermarket. I would not be buying second hand shoes for my child, although I love eBay.

I would need to see his business records before I believed his tight arsed stories of declining profits. I would also say you don’t need to get divorced to get rid of this negative waste of space. Do you compromised your inheritance if you remain married but separate?

As for age difference, the older you get, the more it matters.

But you still chose him to sire your children despite all of those negatives? And chose to not work?

It's perplexing. Seems a bit late to lament the obvious.

Oh if only foresight have the same qualities as hindsight, we would all be perfect wouldn't we 🥱

It doesn't take a crystal ball when he was hands off & went back to work the day after the first child was born.

You could always just leave and not divorce?

No divorce, no division of assets

Yes, I do hear what you are saying.

I worked part time as I preferred to prioritise being there for my children (he certainly wasn’t going to be hands on).

I have enough money to look after myself and my DC, but I nevertheless feel resentment about the way he’s treating me.

GO! Start a new life.
24 years with DH, 22 married. 3 DC.
Nobody else I want to be with in the world!

No it's not normal and it's very unfair to you. My DP and I genuinely share everything 50/50 and I wouldn't tolerate anything else and nor would he

That is genuinely absolutely lovely.

Isn't it interesting that when you start pushing to have equal access to the money he earns he suddenly discloses that his income has somehow dropped by 80%.?

I frankly don't believe him. He's just trying to put you off pursuing what you are entitled to.

Also, with regards to you having more assets than him, don't assume he will be entitled to 50%. You are the primary carer of the DC and have lower earning capacity due to having sacrificed your career so may very well be entitled to a larger share. You need to speak to a solicitor who can properly assess your circumstances and give you a proper indication of what you are likely to be entitled to.

Also, if you kept your inheritance money separately in your own name it might be able to be left out of the assets split. Depends if there would be adequate assets left to leave both parties adequately provided for without it being included.

He’s admitted to me that he isn’t making anywhere near the sort of money that he used to. I think he’s a bit embarrassed about it. He does seem to be always working though. He used to earn 100K but is now around the 20- 30K mark and has been since the pandemic.

If he’s ‘always working’ the same as pre-pandemic, then what’s changed to make his income drop by 60-80%? Is his hourly rate now much much lower somehow? Why would that be if there’s demand for him to be out all the time working?

During the pandemic what happened with his work and business?

He told me that all his money seems to go on tax, VAT and his business related bills.

If he’s making enough turnover to need to deal with VAT, and all his money goes on tax and business related bills, then he’s not doing badly i.e. the work is there. So is he mismanaging his business? Again, what’s changed since the pandemic to produce this dramatic loss of profit?

It sounds like absolute bullshit to me, but if it’s true then it’s urgent you know the full situation - is there a big business loan or unpaid taxes or something?

Has he ever discussed his business finances with you since you got together? Perhaps he’s never earned at the level you thought he did? But presumably you have a mortgage together and that means disclosing income on the application?

It’s either genuine and he’s been lying as long as you’ve known him (or for a long time) and explains why he suggests cheaper supermarkets and secondhand shoes (and I’d be livid about this as he has fathered 3 DC who he must have known he couldn’t easily support) or it’s complete bullshit and he knows if you divorce he’ll be able to hide his business earnings to bring his apparent income to the £20-30K level. If his brother got divorced I’m sure he’s aware of what happens in the financial settlement.

It’s awful for you. I’m sorry.

This is not normal. He is extremely mean.