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Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
ChatBFP · 16/08/2023 23:42

It sounds as if you are asexual and don't plan to compromise on sex, so you have to accept that he might not compromise on celibacy for life. It sounds as if you don't really have a marriage as many would understand it, but a deep friendship- if you want to keep that aspect of it, I think it would be worthwhile getting counselling to understand what your best options as a couple or separately would be.

Macaroni46 · 16/08/2023 23:43

My DP's exW was like this. Didn't want sex and thought he was weird wanting it. Thought he'd 'grow out of it'.
Was very surprised when he left her and played the victim.
He's nearly 60 and we have a very healthy sex life and are very affectionate. It's a big part of what keeps our relationship special and distinguishes it from a friendship (which we also are).

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 23:44

Mummy08m · 16/08/2023 23:20

You mention that you pray - you have brought it up as relevant to this issue - but (if you are Christian), the Christian marriage ceremony specifically talks about marriage being a sexual union. Sex is part of marriage. Yours is not a healthy marriage. I'm not sure why you've brought up religion but it's not a justification for the way you treat your dh

I only mentioned it as my form of therapy.
Some people meditate. Prayer is mine.

There's lots of things that are outdated in religious services and others that are open to interpretation.
I don't really want to get into it here.

OP posts:
NoWayNarc · 16/08/2023 23:47

MumGMT · 16/08/2023 23:41

He's not in a normal healthy marriage though is he?
There's nothing healthy about wanting to have sex with someone who is reluctant to have sex with you.
It's a dynamic full of pain.

Show quote history

Whilst I agree (the relationship is unhealthy), it also depends how this is all being framed to him by OP, if she’s not being honest with him and constantly moving the goal posts to what would make it “just right” to have sex and then also gaslighting him that he’s strange for wanting sex (needing an ego-boost??), it’s less on him and far more on her and I dare say, wandering into abusive territory..

Mummy08m · 16/08/2023 23:48

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 23:44

I only mentioned it as my form of therapy.
Some people meditate. Prayer is mine.

There's lots of things that are outdated in religious services and others that are open to interpretation.
I don't really want to get into it here.

Show quote history

I promise, sex is not outdated!

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 23:49

MumGMT · 16/08/2023 23:23

Did you ever have a decent sex life?
How often did you have sex before the wedding and babies?

Show quote history

Once or twice a month on average? Often we'd have sex one night and he'd want it again the next, and even the next.

OP posts:
daffodills1 · 16/08/2023 23:50

OP, have a look at Ashley Madison. That's what happens sadly and it's extremely common.
Most of these men are lovely husbands who love their wives BUT.. so do think about that.. and if you don't mind then maybe let him know so he isn't having to creep around like so many men

Mummy08m · 16/08/2023 23:50

MumGMT · 16/08/2023 23:41

He's not in a normal healthy marriage though is he?
There's nothing healthy about wanting to have sex with someone who is reluctant to have sex with you.
It's a dynamic full of pain.

Show quote history

That is exactly my point. Op is saying her dh needs therapy for wanting to have sex with his wife. But I am saying no, what he wants is normal and healthy and a normal part of a healthy marriage. Op does not have a healthy marriage (I think I've said that three times on this thread now)

whatevss · 16/08/2023 23:50

You can't force yourself to want sex, and you shouldn't have sex if you don't want to. However, you're demonstrating a breathtaking lack of empathy in your posts concerning your husband's position.

No, you can't convince him sex isn't important: it is important to him. Any efforts you make to try to convince him otherwise, deny his feelings and further torment him. Just fucking accept how he feels.

Of course he has low self esteem; he's in an excruciating cycle of endless rejection. No normal person would come out of this unscathed.

I hope he has enough self-worth left to leave you, but I've got a feeling that, after so many years, he's probably too ground down to do that.

I feel for him. If my son was in this position, I'd be absolutely gutted.

Macaroni46 · 16/08/2023 23:52

"Once or twice a month on average? Often we'd have sex one night and he'd want it again the next, and even the next."

You do realise this is normal, certainly at the beginning of a relationship? Some of us enjoy whole decadent afternoons of sex or evening sex followed by sleepy early morning sex the next day.

JenWillsiam · 16/08/2023 23:53

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 23:27

People here are saying I need therapy because I don't want to have sex.

I've not told him wanting to have sex is a sign of low self-esteem. He has suffered with low self-esteem, and he recognised that himself.

Others have said here he'll feel bad about himself being rejected, therefore if he feels good about himself he's not going to want that ego boost.

Show quote history

No. You need therapy because you’re utterly selfish and think that as long as you’re happy that’s fine. And your husbands problem could be solved if he could just be like you.

Sex matters. A lot. To many many people. Expecting anyone to be happy in a sexless relationship is gross. If they are great. But he isn’t. He’s made that clear. The solution is not that he learns to be happy with what you want.

You need to end the marriage. It isn’t one. Because he’s unhappy.

mummysherlock · 16/08/2023 23:54

The thing is OP sex is important to a lot of people and there are very few men or women in their 30’s and 40’s who would want to be in a sexless marriage/relationship.
I cannot fathom why you married your DH if you don’t find him remotely attractive, I would be heartbroken if my OH told me this.
He cannot force you to have sex, however equally he should not have to resign himself to a lifetime of celibacy either, and it is only a matter of time before he looks elsewhere to get his needs met.
Probably best in the long run if you go your separate ways so you can either remain celibate or find someone who you are attracted to, and so he can find someone who is attracted to him and more on his wavelength sexually.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 23:55

LuckySantangelo35 · 16/08/2023 23:31

@Deedeeraaraa

well maybe you don’t do quite as much so you’re not quite as exhausted.

Show quote history

That seems like such a waste of visiting these places.
Why go if you're not trying to experience the place. We can't afford to go away often. We want to enjoy it when we can.

OP posts:
JenWillsiam · 16/08/2023 23:57

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 23:55

That seems like such a waste of visiting these places.
Why go if you're not trying to experience the place. We can't afford to go away often. We want to enjoy it when we can.

Show quote history

Stop with the we.

1Raisedeyebrow · 16/08/2023 23:57

@Deedeeraaraa is there any intimacy between you both. Not sexual but things like holding hands, hugging, doing things for just both of you together without the children?

Also I’m curious if you don’t want to be sexual with him would you be ok if he had his needs fulfilled elsewhere as a compromise? It’s just I know another couple in an almost identical situation and rather than resentment becoming a part of their relationship there was a mutual understanding.

Macaroni46 · 16/08/2023 23:57

@Deedeeraaraa
"That seems like such a waste of visiting these places.
Why go if you're not trying to experience the place. We can't afford to go away often. We want to enjoy it when we can."

You've got an answer for everything, your poor husband! Can't have sex at home, can't have sex when he goes away. Just put the poor man out of his misery and end the marriage; set him free.

MarshaArt · 16/08/2023 23:58

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 22:46

I married him because I love him and I want to spend my life with him.

Show quote history

But you know an important emotional and physical need for him isn’t being met, and not being willing to understand that. I don’t think that can be love. Sometimes loving someone means sacrificing something yourself - in this case most likely setting him free.

Coulditreallybe · 16/08/2023 23:58

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 23:55

That seems like such a waste of visiting these places.
Why go if you're not trying to experience the place. We can't afford to go away often. We want to enjoy it when we can.

Show quote history

Are you neurodivergent op?

Lovesacake · 16/08/2023 23:58

Op do you recognise that his feelings are valid?
are you prepared to lose him over this?

Britinme · 16/08/2023 23:58

A dear friend of mine felt much as you do. She and her husband eventually divorced and she is now happily married to another woman and feels quite differently about sex.

chaosmaker · 16/08/2023 23:59

@Deedeeraaraa I feel so sorry for your husband. I agree with the poster about YOUR lack of empathy and care for his sex drive. You may not think sex is important but clearly it is to him and from your first post, he has tried everything he can to try and make you a little interested. You should let him free to find someone that will fulfill him. It is supposed to be a partnership. Not something that is all about you alone.

Offyoupoplove · 17/08/2023 00:03

Sounds like you’re more at the asexual end of the spectrum. There’s nothing wrong with that if you’re single or in a mutually agreed non sexual relationship but the current situation is really hurting your husband. Can you see that it’s devastating to him? He probably feels unloved and rejected.
You shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want too, but equally you can’t pretend that this is sustainable.
Either you will need to see if sex more frequently is something you are genuinely willing to consider or you need to give him the option to amicably separate. I wouldn’t say that if it was a short term thing. Lots of women have periods of not wanting or being able to have sex, especially around childbirth. But this seems a long term settled thing in your mind and that’s really not fair.

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 00:03

Coulditreallybe · 16/08/2023 23:58

Are you neurodivergent op?

Show quote history

Quite likley. This sounds like a clinical issue.

Everyone trying to explain to her but she can't conceive of what is going on.

Skule · 17/08/2023 00:03

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

Could you consider an open relationship? You sound compatible and committed to a life together in every way other than sex. And if sex doesn't matter to you, and you don't like the idea of people finding you hot, perhaps you wouldn't suffer from the jealousy that I would.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 00:03

NoWayNarc · 16/08/2023 23:47

Whilst I agree (the relationship is unhealthy), it also depends how this is all being framed to him by OP, if she’s not being honest with him and constantly moving the goal posts to what would make it “just right” to have sex and then also gaslighting him that he’s strange for wanting sex (needing an ego-boost??), it’s less on him and far more on her and I dare say, wandering into abusive territory..

Show quote history

I've not told him he is looking for an ego boost by having sex. I don't even think he realises it.
I don't think it's conscious on his part at all.
Obviously he gets one from it though, people here have said so too.

I think I've probably framed things poorly here which is why people are misunderstanding me. A lot of asides seem to be being focused upon.
I've never been much of a writer.
Sorry

OP posts: