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Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
Hawkins009 · 17/08/2023 00:06

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 00:03

I've not told him he is looking for an ego boost by having sex. I don't even think he realises it.
I don't think it's conscious on his part at all.
Obviously he gets one from it though, people here have said so too.

I think I've probably framed things poorly here which is why people are misunderstanding me. A lot of asides seem to be being focused upon.
I've never been much of a writer.
Sorry

Show quote history

Either way it seems your partner has a drive and yours does not.

That said it seems the main perspectives are it's either split up or have an open relationship

Pallisers · 17/08/2023 00:06

I just think (and it seems to be the case) that if he feels better about himself we won't want sex as some sort of ego boost.

OP, you have a very disordered view of sex. Possibly because you are asexual so are trying to figure out why on earth adults want sex.

People want to have sex because it is enjoyable and pleasurable. And people in intimate relationships want it because it signifies and cements the deep intimacy of the relationship - which is why people get so upset when a partner is unfaithful. Wanting sex with the person you love is not seeking some sort of ego boost. I understand that this is like a foreign language for you but at least realise that your husband is speaking a different language (one that most of us speak).

you are being very very unfair to him wanting to have therapy or wanting to construct the perfect argument that will make a 38 year old not want sex. I'm way older than that and would be devastated if dh no longer wanted to have sex with me. And no, that is not the same as being unable to have sex - that is different.

Also what is with the "open marriage" suggestions? Why bring another woman into this awful dynamic? How would you even do that? "hi Liz, could we meet for dinner and sex some evening? I'm committed to staying with my wife but quite fancy a shag and she has given me permission?"

Cucucucu · 17/08/2023 00:07

Maybe you need to reconsider your relationship. You got married although you prefer sex with women , you don’t find your husband attractive and you resent him for wanting sex that is perfectly normal in a healthy relationship ? I feel for your husband , he deserves better

Twirlywoo · 17/08/2023 00:08

This sounds so sad. Your poor DH.
If you prefer women & are not attracted to your DH, why are you still with him?
It seems he is making an effort & you are fighting him at every turn. It's unfair & cruel.
End your marraige and allow him & you to find what you are both looking for because it is not each other you's want.

Coulditreallybe · 17/08/2023 00:09

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 23:55

That seems like such a waste of visiting these places.
Why go if you're not trying to experience the place. We can't afford to go away often. We want to enjoy it when we can.

Show quote history

Your husband would enjoy a shag far more than the local tourist hotspots, @Deedeeraaraa

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 00:10

MumGMT · 16/08/2023 23:35

She doesn't want to have sex with him.
Berating her isn't going to make her horny.

In these kinds of dead bedrooms it's very normal that the one who wants sex wants the other to change and vice versa.

Therapy generally won't make someone want sex with someone they don't want to have sex with, and it generally won't make someone who wants a sex life not want one.

I think just lay your cards on the table, be completely honest and decide whether your future is together or not.

You can't force yourself to have sex you don't want, but you need to let him know that this won't improve no matter how much he wants it to.

The "berating" isn't regarding the not having sex. People are responding too her in ability to empathise in any way with him. As if she cannot see him as a separate human being who will function differently from her. She is the standard and he is defective.

The point here is her responses are so extreme it is not likely to be normal selfishness it sounds like it needs a clinical diagnosis.

The marriage is obviously dead, but she probably also negatively impacting other relationships in her life and ought to know what the cause is (she also may not recognise that she is doing it).

MarshaArt · 17/08/2023 00:12

It does sound a little like trying to explain sex to an android.

porridgeisbae · 17/08/2023 00:13

@Deedeeraaraa I can kind of empathise based on past relationships I've had. Do you think you'd be happier being single and not having the pressure to have sex from a partner?

I'm Catholic BTW and I asked the Priest if, were I to get married, I'd have to shag my husband even when I didn't feel like it, as I would find that very unpleasant. He said no and that husbands are supposed to care for their wives.

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 00:14

porridgeisbae · 17/08/2023 00:13

@Deedeeraaraa I can kind of empathise based on past relationships I've had. Do you think you'd be happier being single and not having the pressure to have sex from a partner?

I'm Catholic BTW and I asked the Priest if, were I to get married, I'd have to shag my husband even when I didn't feel like it, as I would find that very unpleasant. He said no and that husbands are supposed to care for their wives.

Not having sex when you don’t feel like it is VERY different to this situation.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 00:14

1Raisedeyebrow · 16/08/2023 23:57

@Deedeeraaraa is there any intimacy between you both. Not sexual but things like holding hands, hugging, doing things for just both of you together without the children?

Also I’m curious if you don’t want to be sexual with him would you be ok if he had his needs fulfilled elsewhere as a compromise? It’s just I know another couple in an almost identical situation and rather than resentment becoming a part of their relationship there was a mutual understanding.

We hug and give each other a kiss before either of us leaves the house, and before he goes to bed (he goes to bed much earlier than I do)
We'll hold hands or link arms when where out walking.

I'd be terrified of opening up the marriage in case he decided suddenly being able to have sex on tap was more important than our marriage. Also, again a side point that is likely to be jumped upon as important but, we live in a very small town and so I'm not sure what option there would be for that. Certainly not without the stigma of "he's cheating on his wife" or "there goes the swingers"

OP posts:
Pippy239 · 17/08/2023 00:15

I feel for both you.
I've been there done it, having kids killed my libido, it used to be quite high, DH had an affair and now we're splitting up.
If only I could turn back the clock and change my attitude towards sex & him and look after our marriage. Put that first before the kids.
Look up spontaneous versus responsive desire. Watch some Esther Perel YouTube videos. Tracey Cox the sex therapist lost her libido too, it happens to those who don't even expect it.
It may take a long long time but hopefully you will find a way to make your DH happy again and enjoy whatever intimacy you can together. I wish you well.

porridgeisbae · 17/08/2023 00:16

The "berating" isn't regarding the not having sex. People are responding too her in ability to empathise in any way with him. As if she cannot see him as a separate human being who will function differently from her. She is the standard and he is defective.

The point here is her responses are so extreme it is not likely to be normal selfishness it sounds like it needs a clinical diagnosis.

I don't think OP is mental, someone wanting sex off you when you don't want it is really draining, stressful and annoying. If she isn't full of empathy for him it's because it becomes blumming annoying and aggravating.

momtoboys · 17/08/2023 00:17

Please don’t come crying when he turns to someone else for attention/affection.

porridgeisbae · 17/08/2023 00:18

Not having sex when you don’t feel like it is VERY different to this situation.

Seems identical as far as I can see.

10HailMarys · 17/08/2023 00:19

Your husband is not the problem here.

You seem to be almost entirely asexual. However, your husband is not. He has normal sexual desires and wants a normal sex life with his wife. You are incredibly selfish to be talking about “getting him to see that sex isn’t important” - just because it isn’t important to you, that doesn’t mean it isn’t important to him.

You don’t seem capable understanding that you are the outlier here. It’s almost like you don’t really know what a marriage actually is. Marriage isn’t the same as living celibately with your best friend. You keep saying sex and attraction don’t matter because it should be enough just to love each other, but just loving someone alone isn’t a marriage.

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 00:20

porridgeisbae · 17/08/2023 00:16

The "berating" isn't regarding the not having sex. People are responding too her in ability to empathise in any way with him. As if she cannot see him as a separate human being who will function differently from her. She is the standard and he is defective.

The point here is her responses are so extreme it is not likely to be normal selfishness it sounds like it needs a clinical diagnosis.

I don't think OP is mental, someone wanting sex off you when you don't want it is really draining, stressful and annoying. If she isn't full of empathy for him it's because it becomes blumming annoying and aggravating.

If you need to misrepresent the point being made you don't have an argument.

Pallisers · 17/08/2023 00:20

I'd be terrified of opening up the marriage in case he decided suddenly being able to have sex on tap was more important than our marriage.

I doubt that "sex on tap" is what he is wanting. He probably wants the experience of being in a relationship where he is wanted and appreciated sexually and sex isn't a chore for his partner but something that is intimate and loving.

Sex on tap is such a demeaning way of looking at the whole thing. What are you thinking - some woman who will open her legs and give him what he wants? your attitude to sex is quite off tbh - like you see it as something wrong instead of a normal part of adult life.

OP, it will help you if you try to understand that your asexuality is not usual. There isn't something wrong with an adult who wants sex especially one who wants sex with a partner or spouse. There is something wrong with someone demanding it or coercing it but that isn't what is happening here.

ChocBanana · 17/08/2023 00:21

I’m on the other side of this situation, my husband has zero sex drive. I’m at the stage where I am actively seeking out NSA encounters with a view to eventually getting the guts to have an affair.
I also think I prefer women, or at least equally like women, but I haven’t had the opportunity to prove that to myself.
However, if the situation arises, I will.
I don’t necessarily want to leave just yet, for a whole load of reasons, but it is not sustainable when half a couple wants the opposite of what the other one wants.
Also, just to say, I think it’s unfair for you to decide sex isn’t important for both of you, when it clearly is for him.

DixonD · 17/08/2023 00:23

Annaishere · 16/08/2023 18:11

I agree with you but it’s probably different for men

Not just men!

AInightingale · 17/08/2023 00:24

It's a lavender marriage, or whatever the female equivalent is. Though God knows why you felt the need to make one in this day and age. Religious/cultural pressures?

You can't live against the grain of what you are, it's not fair on either of you.

I know a couple like you and your husband, they separated but remain very close friends. It can be done.

1Raisedeyebrow · 17/08/2023 00:24

I understand the not being into an open marriage.

With regards to intimacy the hug before work and bed isn’t intimate in my opinion it sounds like routine. It’s the sitting down on the sofa together and leaning on each other type of thing or hugging, going for dinner and touching in some way(a foot under the table), but if you aren’t comfortable with that I understand also.

However I do feel that this could help you both as long as he didn’t take it as an invitation to make it sexual but just follow your lead. And this type of intimacy could help you have more instances of feeling that “tingling feeling”

It seems a difficult one because he does have needs as do you they just differ.

bridgetreilly · 17/08/2023 00:25

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

This is the most feeble excuse I’ve ever heard. Even if you don’t have sex, can’t you give him half an hour of time to kiss and cuddle and enjoy each other?

porridgeisbae · 17/08/2023 00:26

@Thisistyresome I've not misrepresented anything. You implied OP had some sort of disorder that causes her to lack empathy, because she finds someone subtly trying to get sex out of her when she doesn't want it unpleasant. Anyone would find that unpleasant if it's repetitive, and it probably would cause anyone to eventually be unimpressed with the other's actions and to feel drained.

bridgetreilly · 17/08/2023 00:29

We hug and give each other a kiss before either of us leaves the house, and before he goes to bed (he goes to bed much earlier than I do)

Well, there you go. Go to bed at the same time as him, so you’re not tired. And again, it doesn’t have to be sex, but there does need to be some level of physical intimacy.

RealisticGuy · 17/08/2023 00:33

I don’t think I have ever read a post on here where the OP is so unwilling to see that their stance on the subject is actually abnormal.

It sounds like you might be asexual. If you are, that’s how you are but your husband isn’t doing or wanting anything abnormal here.

Saying him getting therapy to feel better about himself isn’t going to fix this issue. Sex isn’t about getting an ego boost, it’s an intimate bond in a relationship.

Being blunt, if I were your husband, I would have no choice but to leave you. Fulfilling sexual desire is a huge part of a relationship for the majority of people and really plays a huge role in keeping a relationship healthy.

I actually don’t see a solution to the problem as you fulfilling his desires against your own desires isn’t good either.

Terrible situation for you and your family to be in but it’s not healthy for any of you and one or both of you will end up deeply unhappy.

YANU though in your train of thought that he is the problem that needs addressed

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