Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

You mention that you pray - you have brought it up as relevant to this issue - but (if you are Christian), the Christian marriage ceremony specifically talks about marriage being a sexual union. Sex is part of marriage. Yours is not a healthy marriage. I'm not sure why you've brought up religion but it's not a justification for the way you treat your dh

Oh God Religion I might have known

Sounds like you're asexual. You need to consider an open marriage or split. And instead of him getting therapy to stop him wanting sex maybe you should explore why you don't want it. There's nothing wrong with not wanting it but if you love your husband and want to save your marriage you need to look at your feelings about sex.
Feel really sorry for him, sounds like he loves you and is trying really hard to make the marriage work.

I think this is a clinical issue, it probably isn't intentional. She probably doesn't understand at all. This sounds like an completely inability to even process the idea of his experience being different.

In the same way a good therapist is likely to end up passing her on for an assessment.

Did you ever have a decent sex life?
How often did you have sex before the wedding and babies?

"ego boost"!?

The more you say, the weirder and more detached from reality you sound. Do you have any understanding of how relationships, men or other people work? What are you - some kind of puritan?

Can I also say that many many men will be repulsed by the suggest to go outside their marriage, the relationship they have committed to, believed in and invested in - "to get their needs met" - by that token then why wouldn't masturbation be enough?

@Deedeeraaraa
”I absolutely want to go to nice places with him. I want to see these cities, visit the sights, go to nice restaurants. I don't really want to spend money we don't have just to go away to have sex.”

you do realise you can do all of those things and have sex? It’s not either/or.

People here are saying I need therapy because I don't want to have sex.

I've not told him wanting to have sex is a sign of low self-esteem. He has suffered with low self-esteem, and he recognised that himself.

Others have said here he'll feel bad about himself being rejected, therefore if he feels good about himself he's not going to want that ego boost.

@larkstar

it just isn’t 🤷‍♀️
Most people wouldn’t want their sex life to be confined to masturbation only

I've spoken to him about his self-esteem issues and he did go to therapy for a year. I'm really happy with how well he's done and how much better he seems to be.
I just think (and it seems to be the case) that if he feels better about himself we won't want sex as some sort of ego boost.

What? So you think he just wanted sex with you because his ego was deflated and once he's had sex with you a few times a year his ego is boosted? This thread is getting stranger. It comes across that you belittle him at every opportunity. Can you not see from 99% of these posts that your husband isn't the problem and maybe it's you OP that needs the therapy? Would you even mind if he went elsewhere for these ego boosting moments?

Of courses but you know what it's like after a full day out like that. All I want to do is have a glass of wine and go to sleep.

@Deedeeraaraa

having a sex drive is nothing to do with ego and ego boosts OP

@Deedeeraaraa

well maybe you don’t do quite as much so you’re not quite as exhausted.

Exactly my point @LuckySantangelo35

sounds like you’re ready for your slippers by the fire OP

You genuinely sound deluded - I hope you can find the help you need. Therapy won’t stop him wanting to have sex; it’s a perfectly normal thing.

Your poor husband.

She doesn't want to have sex with him.
Berating her isn't going to make her horny.

In these kinds of dead bedrooms it's very normal that the one who wants sex wants the other to change and vice versa.

Therapy generally won't make someone want sex with someone they don't want to have sex with, and it generally won't make someone who wants a sex life not want one.

I think just lay your cards on the table, be completely honest and decide whether your future is together or not.

You can't force yourself to have sex you don't want, but you need to let him know that this won't improve no matter how much he wants it to.

This is quite a leap, just because you’d never had a proper boyfriend before you expect him to know you weren’t attracted to him ? You were only mid-20s when you met him as well. Many women don’t have boyfriends by then.

And having friendship as a basis for a relationship is very common and doesn’t necessarily indicate it’s going to be a sexless marriage unless otherwise agreed.

I’m sure if you asked him did he always know you’re not attracted him his answer might well be no.

You will probably find his profile on a dating website. Not to be horrible but so that you are aware..

What does your husband get out of being married to you?
And as other posters have said, having high self esteem won't stop him wanting sex. Might make him more confident to seek it elsewhere though, and quite honestly, I wouldn't blame him. You really are deluded OP if you think it's fair on him to not have sex!

Your logic is very flawed.

Having sex with your wife, being sexually attracted to her, these are normal healthy attributes of a normal healthy man in a normal healthy marriage (inc Christian and all other major world religions, since you brought it up).

You don't want to have sex with him. So end the marriage.

I don't think anyone would benefit from therapy here. Him - because he isnt ill. You - because you have quite an unusual world view that is making you emotionally abusive.

Good lord the more you post the worse you sound.
honestly I dont think I’d wish a relationship with you on my worst enemy

what the hell does he get out of this relationship??

Wouldn't blame him tbh. Sounds like a miserable existence.

That's how people in dead bedrooms generally think. Both sides are a bit 'deluded' waiting for the other to change.

He's not in a normal healthy marriage though is he?
There's nothing healthy about wanting to have sex with someone who is reluctant to have sex with you.
It's a dynamic full of pain.