Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

You may be happy but do you want to stay in your relationship? He is asking you to explore the possibility that therapy might help.your relationship and you are flat out saying nah I'm fine so I couldn't care about what you need. Be prepared for the day he comes home and says he is done and moving out. He will get there if you make no attempt to solve your relationship issues (that you ironically don't think you have!)

You actually can't be serious OP.

I feel sorry for him tbh. Just split.

I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

Patronising. It's important to him. Imagine if this was said to a woman in a sexless marriage. It's not on.

I married him because I love him and I want to spend my life with him.

I’m sorry this happened to you, but I will have to disagree that it’s the same thing. By the way OP describes it her husband doesn’t pressure her for sex - he even feels weird about any kind of touching that may seem as unwanted advances/being abusive. I have been in a sexually coercive relationship and pressured for sex - if I’d had a genuinely loving doting partner that I understood still had physical needs, it wouldn’t psychologically damage me to make time and fake it for him (if my drive had diminished), it did break my soul however to have to fake it to stop the relentless pestering, and just to get him to hurry the hell up to get it over with - no love, no kissing, name calling and all the other vile things that come with verbal and emotional abuse. Yes no one should have to do anything they don’t want to, but she can’t expect her (still young) partner to somehow see that “sex isn’t important” (because it is to lots of people).

“How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.”

Perhaps rather than considering therapy, consider a clinical diagnosis. Your inability to empathise could be quite an issue in more areas of your life you haven’t noticed.

In six years your kids will be adults and off doing their own things. I would suggest working out an exit plan for both of you. Allow him to develop a relationship with someone who wants him. Stop doing thigs to placate him, be really up front (no one of the text messages etc.) tell him straight that basically sex is effectively off the table and if he wants it, he will need to find someone else.

Straight talking and planning an exit allow you both to prep for what is always a tough time. But you need to consider if you have something going on that may impact relationship you haven’t noticed, not for the marriage but in other aspects of your life.

You shouldn’t have sex with him if you don’t want to, but he clearly wants a sex life, so he should divorce you and find someone who deserves him

I feel for your DH. He is turning himself inside out trying to persuade you to have sex. A weekend away is him trying to get you space as you said the kids in earshot is off putting, but you would prefer sight seeing and cafes. Any alone time at home, and you want to clean & tidy.

It is all about you avoiding sex and your husband trying to persuade you.

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important? Unfortunately that is not how his body works.

I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other. It is important, especially to your DH, but you cannot be bothered to compromise as you only care about your needs.

I think you are being a bit selfish, he is only 38.

You can’t decide how important sex is to him. Just because you don’t feel you need it doesn’t mean he feels the same way. You’re both still young, if you’re not meeting each others needs then this relationship needs to end.

Married couples, who are in love make time for intimacy and each other

Sex is important when two people love each other.

This is about you and your non attraction to your husband. You have said you find women more attractive. So where does this leave your husband? You need to be honest with yourself.

Sex is important to my husband too. When I asked him why, he said it makes him feel desired and wanted. He said the intimacy makes him feel close to me. That was enough to get my sex drive going again, because I fancy my husband and I really really love him.

I couldn't be as cold with my husband as you clearly are being with yours! It's all about you and in your world he's the problem for wanting sex!

So you expect him to be happy in a sexless relationship with someone who openly admits she prefers women and doesn't fancy him and doesn't even want to go nice places with him.

I think you should end the marriage because this just isn't fair to him at all.

Sharknails it will surprise you then that withholding affection and sex for long periods is featured in the Womens Aid module I saw another poster explain this recently on a similar thread

I take it you are ok with a couple splitting for this reason if there are no kids involved right?

I think I put it poorly by saying "you don't need sex if you live someone." I mean more that love is more than sex. He makes me feel safe, and cared for and respected and trusted, I don't need him to want to have sex with me on top of that.

I think you are absolutely missing the point almost everyone is making to you.

Of course it’s fine you don’t want to have sex.

But you seem to have no comprehension that he, like the majority of people, does want to have sex - which is also fine.

So you have a problem. And you need to be honest with him.

I've spoken to him about his self-esteem issues and he did go to therapy for a year. I'm really happy with how well he's done and how much better he seems to be.
I just think (and it seems to be the case) that if he feels better about himself we won't want sex as some sort of ego boost.

You should split up.

If this thread is real you are strange

OP, I think you should consider an open marriage. If you don't want to have sex with him any more, he's too young to have to endure that, given he clearly doesn't share your low sex drive. So let him have affairs and see if that will work. You risk losing him, of course, but condemning him to no sex before he's even 40 isn't reasonable.

This is beyond strange, you are unable to even comprehend that desiring sex with your life partner is a completely normal desire, and fulfils many needs.

If you think you can "therapy" someone out of having a normal sex drive you have a really no idea how normal people function.

I can't think of anyone who would struggle to even comprehend the issues here to the extend you seem too. Some people seem to think you are selfish, but I think you have a more fundamental issue that could benefit from being identified.

@Deedeeraaraa

having a sex drive does not mean you have problems with self esteem

You seem to think it’s a case of : Improved self esteem = no sex drive

Soz OP that’s not how it works, best think again

There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to have sex with you, your his wife and he clearly loves you. But it seems like you’re making out him wanting to have sex and intimacy is some kind of character flaw.

You absolutely shouldn’t have sex if you don’t want to, but it is unreasonable to try to dictate how he should feel about sex and judge him for wanting more than you.

I think you have two options, explore all of this in couples counselling and try and find a way forward together, or split up.

You say you love him. Your posts don't even sound like you like him.

But that’s still about him and not you. Yours, if you’ll forgive me pointing this out, is the position that seems unusual. It’s very normal for a 38 year old man who loves his wife to want to have sex with her. It’s more unusual for a 40 year old woman in good health to have such a low libido. I’ll ask again - don’t you think it might be worth you going into therapy to see if it offers any insight into why you might feel this way? You’re pleased that he has benefited from his therapy - don’t you think he deserves to see you pulling your weight in that regard?

Wow this is... a bit messed up. You want to cure him of having a normal healthy sexual attraction for his wife?!

Telling him wanting a sexual relationship with his wife is a sign if low self esteem...?

This is gaslighting. It's emotional abuse.

this frfr

I mean, "prefer women" is sort of besides the point. I mentioned it more to show how he understood my feelings.

I don't want to have sex with anyone else.

I absolutely want to go to nice places with him. I want to see these cities, visit the sights, go to nice restaurants. I don't really want to spend money we don't have just to go away to have sex.
Also, if we were to go away somewhere I'd rather go as a family.
He usually isn't interested in going anywhere with the kids.
I was amazed he came on our last holiday, although he did seem rather put out that I'd rented a studio flat for it. (I think he was hoping to try his luck but obviously couldn't sharing a room with the kids)

sounds like she only loves him for what he can provide for her