Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

It sounds like you are Asexual.
I don't think your husband is ever going to be happy if your sex life stays like this.
I lost my sex drive and was celibate for 12 years after having my DS.. but I was single so it didn't effect anyone.
Do you want a better sex life or do you want your DH to come to terms that he would be in a sexless marriage if he stays with you?

@Deedeeraaraa based on your last two posts, you need to separate. He's trying to touch you up when you're asleep?

I saw this video discussed before in several places.
She says something about adopting the nike philosophy and 'just do it'.

The video does not go down well. In a dead bedroom it resonates with the one who wants sex but for the one who doesn't the approach doesn't tend to work, some people who were shown that video by their partner said that the 'just do it' approach created or worsened their sexual aversion.

I think it's pretty horrifying that any therapist would say that and not even discuss that it can actually make things worse, not better.

Sex was infrequent right from the start, It's now dwindled down to this, which is pretty normal when the passion was never there.

You're saying he's trying to solve the problems, but the 'problem' has been there since day 1.

If I started a relationship with a man who had an extremely low libido then I wouldn't be a victim if his libido stayed low or continued to drop, even if it did negatively affect me.

By the sounds of it he has also been pushy at times, and that tends to make someone with a low libido want it even less.

His 'problem' might cease to exist if he was in a different relationship where they had similar libidos, but so could hers if she found someone who wanted sex as infrequently as she does.

The real problem is that they are incompatible with each other.

He has been good ???
This is your husband you are talking about not a toddler who has slept all night !
Good grief .

You need to tell him the truth as you've written here but you probably won't as his share of bills and childcare come in handy eh.

I left someone like you a few years ago and it's the best thing I've done.

When you're not honest with someone it's cowardly and to keep him in this one sided relationship is cruel when you know he's never going to get from it what he wants.

The fact he has low self esteem is glaringly obvious- that's why he married a woman that told him she didn't find him attractive.

You have also done a massive amount of back peddling OP from your original post to trying to say you just don't want sex when you are busy or tired and isn't that ok.

The weird stuff now about him obviously seeing this thread just compounds the oddness here, it feels a bit like a wind up.

"Lately he has been good." Now you've just admitted you're on a massive wind-up. 🙄

Yes- she is on a massive wind up. I would report this but HQ are pretty unreliable when it comes to kicking out those with hairy hands.

I didn't say any different in my original.
I want him to realise that and to be OK with it. Even if that means only having sex every few months.

Well you can want him to be okay with it all you like, but he's unlikely to be as he has a normal healthy sex drive. You are the one with the issue.

He doesn't really have a share of the bills as he's not bringing any money in.

I've told him before everything I've said here. If I've sugar coated anything (and I don't think I have) it's only because I don't want to upset him.
We love each other and have a wonderful marriage.

I'm sorry I phrased it poorly. I didn't mean to sound condescending.

I want him to accept that sex is only going to be when I'm in the mood and to recognise when that definitely isn't. Eg when I've come to bed late, when I'm tidying, when I'm working, when I'm trying to have a break.

And mostly, I want him to see that that's not a bad thing. That I still love him even when I don't want to have sex.

You're missing the point that sex is on YOUR terms. It's never on his. No, that doesn't mean do it when you don't want to.

It means, you're not compatible sexually for each other and he's being coerced/manipulated into accepting that.

But seeing as you say you’d happily never have sex again and have a million conditions as to when you won’t have sex when exactly are you in the mood? Because to be honest it sounds like never and that’s where you are being disingenuous. You keep repeating you have to be in the mood which is perfectly normal, but then basically rule out that ever actually happening 🤷🏼‍♀️

I know you've mentioned not being attracted to him anymore. Do you think this is the reason for your lack of sex drive, do you or have you ever had sexual urges towards anyone?
If not I would maybe start exploring the idea that you're A sexual. And you need to have an honest chat with DH. If he's wasting his time hoping that the sex will improve when there no chance it's not fair that he's clinging on to hope.

@Deedeeraaraa

Issue with that though is you sound like you’re never in the mood OP

You have repeatedly avoided questions about whether you are Asexual or neurodivergent- I think accepting the former would be a start here although your original post and some afterwards seem to indicate more than apathy towards sex, like you find it and anyone that enjoys it somehow revolting which is another thing all together.

You have laid yourself open to a bit of a roasting here but haven't once accepted any responsibility for your actions or acknowledged how cruel this is to your husband and his non existent self esteem.

I think you need some intense counselling together to be completely honest about yourself and how you both want your future to be so you can both make informed choices.

Nothing really now that hasn't been said- get some help.

Also just wanted to point out a few things you've mentioned.

Not wanting to have sex with your teenage DC in the house..... I can understand this.
I actually think it's harder trying to have time for sex with teen DC then with younger DC, but it's possible.. you just have to be more discreet/quiet.
This is the reason I should imagine that your DH wants to whisk you away for a weekend. Me & DH definitely look forward to empty house/hotel /holiday sex! That isn't the only reason we go on kid free holidays but it's definitely a perk.
You said once you start having sex you can enjoy it, you just never have the urge to instigate it. I get that as well, sometimes I'm knackered after work and DH prods me awake. That's normal and doesn't make him a sex pest. Sometimes you prioritise a sex life over an extra 20 minutes in bed.
That's not to say you should have sex with anyone when you don't want too, But your DH desires are normal, if he's hanging around with the idea that say once the kids are older things will improve its kinder to tell him now that it's not going to happen.
He might still want to stay with you but it should be with his eyes wide open to the reality of what that looks like.
I definitely think as others have suggested you could benefit from couple and solo therapy.

You have a wonderful friendship not a wonderful marriage.

Have you told your husband that you don't find him attractive.

How does he not bring money in, is he unemployed, studying....

Why is anyone engaging with this? The Op won’t answer questions or take any blame.
it is a pointless thread. She just wants everyone to agree with her.

I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

If you believe that you will believe anything.

That sounds normal on his part, in the early days at least. OP, you don't fancy him - likely because you're actually gay. You should let him go, and parent as friends. What you're doing isn't fair, and you know that really.

Not to mention that nowhere does she address what is often the root causes of loss of female desire - inequality in the marriage. Even when both parents work, women are often left with a much larger proportion of the domestic and childcare work, and the mental load of keeping all the family plates spinning. This leads to exhaustion and resentment, especially if the husband doesn't listen when she tries to make things fairer. Hardly any wonder then that women don't feel like making love to their partner. Perhaps if more men 'just do it' when it comes to the things they don't feel like doing, more women would be inclined to 'just do it' in the bedroom.