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Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 20/08/2023 09:56

What do you mean? It seems like it might be a very outmoded term that was already dated decades ago.
Intermittent reinforcement.
It's why gambling is addictive. There's no reliable reward, but the chance that at some point there might be a reward ends up keeping someone in the cycle.

It's one of the reasons it's very difficult for people (male and female) to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships. Where (general) needs are met and a person feels valued they are safe in the relationship. Where that isn't there and someone is left holding it for crumbs that their partner might at some point show them affection/meet their emotional needs/connect with them then they stay in the hope that it might come good.

In the OP's case she makes endless excuses, then gets irritated when her partner tries to solve the problems, then sex is off the table indefinitely and thinks he needs therapy because he has a problem/low self esteem for wanting an intimate relationship, but she won't be honest with him about her position on sex because she wants to say "hmm maybe one day I'll want it and I'll enjoy it then" whilst continuing to push him away. Eventually he'll end up convinced he's the one with the problem, will stop making an effort and the OP gets her way: he remains in an unhealthy relationship and she has him meeting all her needs and wants.

Macaroni46 · 20/08/2023 14:26

LolaSmiles · 20/08/2023 09:56

What do you mean? It seems like it might be a very outmoded term that was already dated decades ago.
Intermittent reinforcement.
It's why gambling is addictive. There's no reliable reward, but the chance that at some point there might be a reward ends up keeping someone in the cycle.

It's one of the reasons it's very difficult for people (male and female) to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships. Where (general) needs are met and a person feels valued they are safe in the relationship. Where that isn't there and someone is left holding it for crumbs that their partner might at some point show them affection/meet their emotional needs/connect with them then they stay in the hope that it might come good.

In the OP's case she makes endless excuses, then gets irritated when her partner tries to solve the problems, then sex is off the table indefinitely and thinks he needs therapy because he has a problem/low self esteem for wanting an intimate relationship, but she won't be honest with him about her position on sex because she wants to say "hmm maybe one day I'll want it and I'll enjoy it then" whilst continuing to push him away. Eventually he'll end up convinced he's the one with the problem, will stop making an effort and the OP gets her way: he remains in an unhealthy relationship and she has him meeting all her needs and wants.

As always @LolaSmiles, very well put. I think you've summed the situation up exactly. Poor guy. Hope he sees sense.

itsmyp4rty · 20/08/2023 14:43

If you're not bothered about ever having sex again and he isn't allowed to make a move to see if you are up for it, then how is he supposed to ever know if you're up for it or not? It sounds like a way of never having sex again.

You seem quite cold and clinical about it all - lacking in any empathy for him, manipulating him by sending him heart emojis to keep him safely stringing along. My OH was like this - he wasn't attracted to me but wanted to keep me like a pet because I was really useful to do things with. Turned out he ticked all the boxes for covert narcissism.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2023 15:51

@Deedeeraaraa

do you not feel like you are stringing your husband along at all?

AntiEverythingToday · 20/08/2023 16:36

I feel like I am kind of in the same position as your husband.
I have a much higher sex drive than my partner and my self esteem is intrinsically attached to how much sex I am having. You might find that weird as does my partner because he doesn't feel like it's a necessary an important part of a good relationship.
I love my partner and feel like it would be such a waste of a relationship to end things because we are not having sex. But, on the other hand the longer I continue to stay with him, the lower my confidence and self esteem gets.
I'm not sure what the answer is so interesting reading the replies. I just feel for your husband and hope his confidence is not at rock bottom like mine is.

BigButtons · 20/08/2023 16:39

Th OP isn’t coming back.

larkstar · 22/08/2023 13:38

Can I drop this in the mix. I say this TED talk a few years ago and thought it was a warm, compassionate, pragmatic and, of anything, uplifting talking about the problems of sex in a marriage.

I just listened to it again - I'd suggest not jumping on to short individual statements too early, listen to it to put everything in context.

The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU

Never miss a talk! SUBSCRIBE to the TEDx channel: http://bit.ly/1FAg8hBMichele Weiner-Davis, MSW is an internationally renowned relationship expert, best-sel...

https://youtu.be/Ep2MAx95m20

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 22/08/2023 18:00

Sorry I've not replied to anyone sooner. My husband insisted upon a family "digital detox" over the last few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 22/08/2023 18:00

larkstar · 22/08/2023 13:38

Can I drop this in the mix. I say this TED talk a few years ago and thought it was a warm, compassionate, pragmatic and, of anything, uplifting talking about the problems of sex in a marriage.

I just listened to it again - I'd suggest not jumping on to short individual statements too early, listen to it to put everything in context.

Thank you for this. I look forward to watching it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 22/08/2023 18:06

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2023 15:51

@Deedeeraaraa

do you not feel like you are stringing your husband along at all?

No. I'm being honest with him, aside from hearts when he sends photos. I usually do accompany them by telling him how I'm feeling at the time and that he shouldn't expect anything similar in return but that I do love him.
I want to be nice and not upset him.

OP posts:
JenWillsiam · 22/08/2023 18:12

Deedeeraaraa · 22/08/2023 18:06

No. I'm being honest with him, aside from hearts when he sends photos. I usually do accompany them by telling him how I'm feeling at the time and that he shouldn't expect anything similar in return but that I do love him.
I want to be nice and not upset him.

Show quote history

Again, show him this whole thread. Because you aren’t being honest. Which you know. Or you would show him.

Cherrycola29k · 22/08/2023 18:36

It sounds like you’re not really into him OP. Time to be honest with yourself and him.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 22/08/2023 18:39

JenWillsiam · 22/08/2023 18:12

Again, show him this whole thread. Because you aren’t being honest. Which you know. Or you would show him.

Show quote history

He'll see. I'd be surprised if he hasn't already.

What am I not being honest about? What have I said here that I'm keeping from him other than, what I thought was being nice about his photos?
I really don't under how people are saying this is lying and wrong, where as others are saying I should let him try it on when I don't want him to. That seems like more of a lie.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 22/08/2023 18:40

Thats not what people have been saying People have been saying that you should tell him sex is all but off the table so he can make an INFORMED choice

category12 · 22/08/2023 18:42

So he knows that you don't find him attractive and wouldn't care if you never had sex again?

BigButtons · 22/08/2023 21:05

I have no idea what you want from this thread @Deedeeraaraa . The vast majority have told you that you lack empathy and consideration. That your husband is being treated badly by you. That you are selfish and should let him go. Yet you keep blathering on about absolutely nothing to do with anything anybody has written.
hey- you don’t listen to us and are incapable of lowering to your husband either.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 22/08/2023 22:00

category12 · 22/08/2023 18:42

So he knows that you don't find him attractive and wouldn't care if you never had sex again?

Yes he's always known this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 22/08/2023 22:20

JenniferBooth · 22/08/2023 18:40

Thats not what people have been saying People have been saying that you should tell him sex is all but off the table so he can make an INFORMED choice

I have done.
I've told him I don't mind if I never have sex again.
I've told him I'm not going to sleep with him when I don't want to.

He knows these things but still tries.
I'll come to bed at 2am but unless I'm extremely quiet he'll wake up and try touch me up.
Sorry, it's just frustrating.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/08/2023 22:32

You said he's stopped trying at home in your opening post. Now he's touching you up when you get into bed unless you move like a ninja?

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 22/08/2023 22:36

category12 · 22/08/2023 22:32

You said he's stopped trying at home in your opening post. Now he's touching you up when you get into bed unless you move like a ninja?

Yes, to be fair to him he hasn't tried that for a few months now. Lately he has been good. Or I've been quieter.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/08/2023 22:40

If he's had a habit of harassing you for sex in the past, then your complete shut-down on it is more understandable.

BigButtons · 22/08/2023 22:42

God , this is really boring- what do you want @Deedeeraaraa

Cakecoffeeandbiscuits · 22/08/2023 22:43

The problem with your situation is that you seem to believe that an otherwise good relationship should outshine or at least outweigh any possible need for sex. That this coupled with the vague 'maybe' of having sex again will keep your husband happy.

But your continued disinterest in him, physically and sexually, will without a doubt corrode that connection he feels with you, eventually. He'd have to be made of stone for it not to, frankly.

The fact is, he doesn't have to have a good relationship OR sex. He could have both. As he seems to be a good partner for you otherwise, this actually means he is incredibly likely to find both, should he look for it.

Many, many, couples share great sexual chemistry AND emotional connection.

If you both remain together forever as you are with no unhappiness or resentment then that's great. But it's important you realise that it would be incredibly unlikely. I don't condone affairs ever, but I wouldn't hold it against him to call quits on a marriage that doesn't fulfill his needs.

Personally, I'd be preparing for an inevitable separation.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/08/2023 23:04

@Deedeeraaraa

“The fact is, he doesn't have to have a good relationship OR sex. He could have both.”

This Op. you would be naive to believe otherwise.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/08/2023 23:05

Deedeeraaraa · 22/08/2023 22:36

Yes, to be fair to him he hasn't tried that for a few months now. Lately he has been good. Or I've been quieter.

Show quote history

@Deedeeraaraa

”he’s been good” has he lol , don’t bank on that lasting op