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Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
MumGMT · 18/08/2023 20:28

@Tacocatgoatcheesepizza

But usually when people talk about not wanting sex so much as their partner there is not such a massive gap as you appear to have.

They have been sexually incompatible right from the start though. It seems that that massive gap was there right from the start....and at the start is when it tends to be the best it's ever going to get.
Almost all (if not all) couples who have a major incompatibility like that early on will end up in this situation a few years later.

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 18/08/2023 20:36

@MumGMT in her op she says that initially they’d have sex once or twice a month so let’s say fortnightly or less, and her husband would have preferred once a week or occasionally more than that. That’s not what I’d consider a massive gap. He’s clearly not begging for it daily.

Roselee1 · 18/08/2023 20:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MumGMT · 18/08/2023 20:48

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 18/08/2023 20:36

@MumGMT in her op she says that initially they’d have sex once or twice a month so let’s say fortnightly or less, and her husband would have preferred once a week or occasionally more than that. That’s not what I’d consider a massive gap. He’s clearly not begging for it daily.

Once or twice a month is extremely low for a young person at the start of a relationship. It does not bode well for the future if the other person has a normal sex drive.

Also later in the thread she said Once or twice a month on average? Often we'd have sex one night and he'd want it again the next, and even the next.

MumGMT · 18/08/2023 20:56

@Tacocatgoatcheesepizza
Sorry yes I see it says he wanted it weekly or a couple of nights in a row, so his own sex drive seemed to be lower than average too for a young man, and particularly a young man in a new relationship, or else perhaps he didn't push it because he knew he was her first boyfriend and that she preferred women.

Either way it seems pretty passionless in their 20s so it's no surprise that it's dwindled to this 15 years later.

MaggieBsBoat · 18/08/2023 20:59

I was married to someone similar to you for 21 years. I felt so sad and unloved. I felt I attractive and lonely. I craved intimacy.
I met someone who loves me fully. Is attracted to me and wants to be intimate.
21 years of m emotional half life was enough.
Your husband is unlikely to fall for the sunk cost fallacy .
I think you should prepare yourself for that outcome. Sorry.

MumGMT · 18/08/2023 22:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

You can just stop reading threads that bore you. HTH

Thisistyresome · 18/08/2023 23:10

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 20:13

How will he see?

Show quote history

She is still making excuses to allow her to not be honest with him.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 18/08/2023 23:56

JenWillsiam · 18/08/2023 20:13

How will he see?

Show quote history

He always does. It's not important.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 19/08/2023 00:01

You dont think anything relating to him or his feelings is important do you.

BigButtons · 19/08/2023 00:37

You are as cold as a fish @Deedeeraaraa your
poor husband.

MumGMT · 19/08/2023 00:42

JenniferBooth · 19/08/2023 00:01

You dont think anything relating to him or his feelings is important do you.

Is that what you think about your own husband?
And if so why have you stayed with him for the 27 years that he hasn't touched you? Why do you stay even though you have another man?

JenniferBooth · 19/08/2023 00:47

@MumGMT Did i forget to mention that DH knows . How incredibly remiss of me Im so sorry.

We had a discussion some time ago and he told me to "do what i need to do"

Is this the normal attitude you take to someone that actually considered taking their own life?

oh and i hope you didnt support those ridiculous lockdowns Because that was the catalyst to me deciding that life was too short.

This whole thread seems to have hit a nerve with you, I wonder why!

JenniferBooth · 19/08/2023 00:53

When DH and i met he was 42 and i was 18/19 so i was quite young While reading my posts you could have done some simple maths, but in your eagerness to try and make me feel guilty you chose not to.

MumGMT · 19/08/2023 00:58

JenniferBooth · 19/08/2023 00:47

@MumGMT Did i forget to mention that DH knows . How incredibly remiss of me Im so sorry.

We had a discussion some time ago and he told me to "do what i need to do"

Is this the normal attitude you take to someone that actually considered taking their own life?

oh and i hope you didnt support those ridiculous lockdowns Because that was the catalyst to me deciding that life was too short.

This whole thread seems to have hit a nerve with you, I wonder why!

You mentioned that you cheated with the same man a long time ago too before you were suicidal, then the affair ended and you stayed with your husband for over a decade, so I'm curious why you would do that if there was no sex or intimacy.

You're making a lot of assumptions but I'm just asking questions because I don't understand this.

I've been suicidal myself, I can understand why you restarted the affair, but I don't understand WHY you stayed for so long and WHY you stay and have another man when you could just be with the other man properly?

No I didn't agree with the lockdowns. Not sure where that assumption came from.

It didn't 'hit a nerve'. I'm just saying the OPs attitude is normal within the context of a dead bedroom. People are trying to diagnose her with all sorts.

And the husband has some responsibility too. He chose to marry her. He's choosing to stay.

No way on earth would I stay with someone who didn't want to have sex with me so I don't understand why people do.

And I don't label people who don't want to have sex with their partners as bad people because that's completely bizzare.

MumGMT · 19/08/2023 01:02

JenniferBooth · 19/08/2023 00:53

When DH and i met he was 42 and i was 18/19 so i was quite young While reading my posts you could have done some simple maths, but in your eagerness to try and make me feel guilty you chose not to.

Yes I saw that and asked the question so you could elaborate on why you stayed.

I left a completely toxic manipulative relationship I'd been in since I was 16 and I was well and truly brainwashed. Eventually I realised how wrong and fucked up it was and got free.

You seem to have reached the point a long time ago of thinking you weren't being treated like a human so I don't understand why you stayed, which is why I asked.

At a certain point...beyond youth and being in the midst of confusion it becomes a choice to stay.

JenWillsiam · 19/08/2023 08:07

Deedeeraaraa · 18/08/2023 23:56

He always does. It's not important.

Show quote history

Yes it is. You aren’t being honest with him. You’re creating a narrative to suit your agenda. Show him this. Then he can really see what you’re about.

Sueveneers · 19/08/2023 08:22

Deedeeraaraa · 18/08/2023 23:56

He always does. It's not important.

Show quote history

So he reads your Mumsnet threads/posts?

bridgetreilly · 19/08/2023 09:25

He doesn't seem to recognised that when I'm busy, or stressed or tired I'm not going to be in the mood to have sex.

I think this is the fundamental inconsistency in your posts. On the one hane you point to all these circumstantial factors, and on the other you say you’ll never want to have sex again, regardless of circumstances.

Are you actually willing to work with your husband to find times and ways you will be able to have sex or not? If not, stop making excuses.

supercali77 · 19/08/2023 10:12

The full truth is difficult to say (when you want to keep the marriage) and difficult to hear. But the half truth, which keeps hope alive and the marriage together (for now) is kicking the can down the road.

I think if he saw some of the things you write here like, finding it creepy of him sending photos and expecting you to be turned on, and so on. I suspect this would be quite a revelation. Afterall, you do the heart eye emoji when he sends the photos, these are mixed messages, you're expecting him to put the truth together himself? From the various cues, without straight up saying it. This might take him years.

What people are saying is - you need to be direct with the truth and accept his choice on whether he stays or goes. That's- his choice.

LolaSmiles · 19/08/2023 10:35

bridgetreilly
The inconsistencies are deliberate because it increases the likelihood of the OP getting the outcome she wants: keeping him in a relationship meeting her needs with no regards for him.

-Give a whole list of reasons/excuses
-When he tries to find solutions to them, close down any intimacy

  • When belittle him for wanting a sexual relationship/pretend to be concerned about his self esteem/suggest that sex is an ego boost for him
  • Say that he's always known she wasn't attracted to him/ she isn't bothered if they never have sex again
  • When posters say that she needs to be honest and say that sex is off the table say "yeah but technically one day I might want to" as a way of throwing the man crumbs

A poster up thread said there's a term for that type of behaviour.

LuckySantangelo35 · 19/08/2023 22:21

@Deedeeraaraa

can you really not see how selfish you are being OP?

porridgeisbae · 20/08/2023 00:06

When posters say that she needs to be honest and say that sex is off the table say "yeah but technically one day I might want to" as a way of throwing the man crumbs
A poster up thread said there's a term for that type of behaviour.

What do you mean? It seems like it might be a very outmoded term that was already dated decades ago.

Dolores87 · 20/08/2023 00:34

You say you will when you are in the mood but are not often in the mood, have you thought about trying to make yourself feel in the mood because intimacy is important to him?

Like say you had a day once a week when the kids are not home and the leading up to it you actively turn yourself on? I do this if I think OH wants to have sex later and im not feeling it. Read smut. Use a vibrator but dont let yourself finish etc

It reads like he is trying to make intimacy work and you should put the effort in.

aloris · 20/08/2023 00:40

Man, I feel sorry for this poor guy.

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