Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

Sorry but the entire tone of your message says that you couldn't give a fig what he thinks and you're just far too busy for his feelings. How selfish are you exactly?

Frankly my advice is ask for a divorce, not for you, but for that poor bastard. Jesus. I thought I'd heard it all.

My DH hasnt touched me for 27 years. No sex or affection. I have OM

Lady, I would have issues rooted in self esteem if I was with someone as selfish as you.

So you'd be very upset and heartbroken if he decided that he wanted to go and have a sexual relationship with someone else right? And it is literally hilarious because because YOU don't see sex as particularly important HE shouldn't either.

Sex IS important in a relationship and in a marriage, whether you believe so or not, and to be quite honest if you're going to insist on being so wilfully dismissive of your husband, I hope he does run off and have an affair because perhaps you'll wake up.

Every answer on this thread from you is about what YOU want and how YOU would be happy and not about him. He's gone to therapy for self esteem issues because you make him feel like a sack of shit because you're basically too busy to be intimate with him and you dismiss him constantly. Whether you like it or not that's tantamount to emotional abuse, you're lucky he's still there and if he ever does wake up and realise there's better out there he'll be off like a shot!

I'm not saying that means you should just have sex even if you don't feel like it, but he's your husband and his needs matter too. If you have a problem with that then let him go. If you didn't find him attractive when you met him you shouldn't have married him then should you!

I just find your whole attitude absolutely astoundingly all about yourself.

23 years between me and DH. Been together 31 years. Hes 73 and im 50 Pre pandemic ...... Physical relationship stopped when i was 23. Thats anything physical No hugs.....anything Met OM who is 17 years older when i was 30 Stopped seeing him when i was 34.
Post pandemic. In August 2021 i became very depressed and was suicidal I could not get OM out of my head. I knew he was going to turn 65 at the end of that month and had a horrible feeling of time running out. I agonized for five weeks before i wrote to him Put my no in the letter and he texted me back straight away. There had been no one since me. He had a mild stroke six years ago. Started seeing each other again in Oct 21. NO ED at all despite the mild stroke and diabetes which is very under control. Hes 66 It was like the thirteen years + that we were apart never happened. It was like the time between just fell inwards and 2003 2005 06 07 joined with 2021. Its not just the sex which is wonderful Its the affection and all the intimacy surrounding it. That disappers too. when men have problems Because @renieve a lot of men wont even hug you in case you expect more. OM is also the only man ive been able to let go and be completely wanton with. Hes the only man ive been able to use a sex toy in front of Thats because of trust I would have been too embarassed to do that with DH or anyone else.

i copied and pasted that from another thread to save typing it all out again.

Ive actually found this thread really upsetting to read as its brought home the reality of how someone sometimes doesnt even see you as human

As a younger man on some occasions it would bring a tears to my eyes, as I was trying to get to sleep and all I wanting to do was hold her and be held by her. At my lowest point twenty years ago I just wanted to end it all and I’m not just talking about the marriage

@Justryingetonwithlife i felt EXCACTLY like this two years ago along with a real feeling of dread and a feeling of time running out To the point that i was shaking and crying and walking around and around my bedroom every night in the middle of the night

He's gone to therapy for self esteem issues because you make him feel like a sack of shit because you're basically too busy to be intimate with him and you dismiss him constantly. Whether you like it or not that's tantamount to emotional abuse,

And having sex you don't want to have can be tantamount to sexual abuse.
So that's why this incompatibility is a disaster for BOTH people involved. Most of the time there's no way for either to get what they want without at least 1 of them suffering significant harm.

They should never have got together. They both made the wrong choice.

I don't disagree with you on that one at all.

What I do have the problem with is the fact OP posted here about how she can basically get him to be ok with what SHE wants. She should leave and let this poor guy find someone who deserves him.

Why do you stay in the marriage?
Does your DH know you have an OM?

Unfortunately that's part and parcel of a problematic dead bedroom such as this one.
Both try to get the other to be ok with what they want, and they both delude themselves into thinking it will sort itself out eventually when the vast majority of the time there's no hope.

She should leave, but equally so should he.

I wouldn't be with someone I wouldn't want to sleep with, but equally I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't want to sleep with me.
I wouldn't be waiting around for him to 'set me free'. I'd set myself free.

No, but this marriage was doomed from the start and tbf your husband should carry a bit of the blame for thinking you'd change.

That said, some of your replies are arrogantly odious. Please consider separating.

There is still hope. When I want to have sex well have sex.
My issue is with him wanting to have sex when I don't. I do feel bad for him. I don't want to reject him.
Do all men not realise that being tired, or busy, and especially knowing your kids can hear you, is a huge turn off.
That's all I'm asking.

You say he'll not leave for sex but because his needs aren't being met? His need for what?

Thank you.
I'm really grateful for well put and considered advice, even if I'm unsure of it I'll definitely think more on this.
Thank you.

Do all men not realise that being tired, or busy, and especially knowing your kids can hear you, is a huge turn off.

Yes, but he's heard you on that and tried suggesting things to help. But you're pretty determined that you don't want to create a scenario more conducive to sex too, aren't you?

You don't want to go away just the two of you, and if you do, you're determined to be too tired for sex, and you don't want to set aside time to have a date night alone together that might lead to sex.

Do you never feel like it might be romantic to just be the two of you? Is it the possibility of it leading to sex that makes it a no-go?

simple - his need for sex which you clearly dont understand.

I left a relationship because my boyfriend was only interested in sex once every few months
Just like you he couldn’t see the problem.

but ultimately its up to him to divorce you but be warned his love for you will dissolve in the same way mine for my bf did.

I'm not sure what you mean by bribed him. I provide him with a comfortable life. Not fantastic but I work as much as I can, which let's him to pursue his dreams. But that's not to force him to stay. That's because I love him and want him to be happy. (I don't even remember mentioning that)

I'm really grateful for the book recommendation. I've ordered it now and hope it'll be an interesting read, it certainly looks it.

I enjoy it when I want to have it. When I don't want it sex is, at best, a chore I feel dirty after.

I want him to realise that. If I could just switch it on or do it when I don't want, like most of people apparently, there wouldn't be a problem.

No, but this marriage was doomed from the start and tbf your husband should carry a bit of the blame for thinking you'd change.
He doesn't seem to have expected the OP to change. He accepted a lower sex drive and plenty of people make some compromises in that area if they love someone with a mismatched sex drive.

What's happened is the OP has subsequently changed from low sex drive to taking it off the table indefinitely other than the hypothetical "maybe one day" in a bid to keep him in the relationship, whilst claiming to be concerned about his lack of self esteem.

She needs to be properly honest, not dangling a carrot, making excuses and relying on some silly technicality that she might some time in the future occasionally have sex. Then he can make a decision whether he wants to remain in the relationship before the rest of his self esteem is trampled on and he starts thinking he's the odd one

@Sueveneers This months Red page 153 article on low libido..............first thing mentioned is the gender stereotype

Are you ignoring the mass of comments?

Show him this thread. The entire thing. Let him read what you’ve said.

OP, I'm your DH. You're my STBEx. Get divorced. Tomorrow.

I have been broken in ways that are pointless describing to you, because you don't get it, by a marital - therefore sex - partner who wouldn't touch me and found sex entirely unnecessary.

When I say broken, I mean suicidal for years, thinking there was something wrong with me that I just couldn't seem to fix via self-help or therapy. Had he said, "Look, I love you, I want to be with you forever, I care so absolutely deeply about you, but I have no need to ever have sex again, with you or anybody else, I'm perfectly happy like this.", it would have cracked me and left a scar. Instead I've been shattered, then each piece picked up and shattered individually and each of those pieces in turn smashed and so on. That's only from the lack of physical intimacy with no honesty. My self-esteem simply doesn't exist.

If you actually love this man, you need to enable him to have a sex life. I don't mean with you if you don't want it, because that's your right. Either you need to allow him to sleep with other partners (multiple ways that can be agreed on) or you tell him you want to divorce. In either case you need to tell him exactly what your feelings are. He is then actually free to consent to a sexless and touch less marriage. Right now he's not made that choice.

You may be asexual, you may be a lesbian who hasn't realised fully yet. It's of no consequence to him. Because whatever way you roll it, you do not want to be having sex with him. Not sorting this situation out means you maintain all the control and it seems you'd rather keep it than allow him to make his own choices about the situation and risk losing him.

I wonder if he knew that you didn't want to be having sex with him, rather than "men in general" if you'd even be in a position to lose him now. I'm betting he would never, ever have accepted marriage under these conditions.

I think the problem is your focus on not having sex when you don’t want to. Of course you shouldn’t, no one should. But usually when people talk about not wanting sex so much as their partner there is not such a massive gap as you appear to have. It’s one thing to have someone complaining that their partner is trying to have sex with them on a daily basis or at completely inappropriate times or when there is far too much else going on, but you say in your opening post that you haven’t had sex since February. That’s 6 months ago. Thats a whole lot more than just not having sex when you don’t want to. You just don’t want to fill stop and you’re finding excuses.

You are absolutely minimising your husbands perfectly normal desires towards you. With the exception of the pictures it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything particularly out of the ordinary, just hoping to have occasional sex with his wife.

You cannot expect that he should just be happy with basically having a sex free marriage. You need therapy not him. Not to encourage you to have sex, if you don’t want to you don’t want to, that’s fine. But to help you find some empathy with your husband and a way to move forward that actually works for both of you, not you just trying to change him.

I'm sure he'll see without needing to be shown.

I'm ignoring a fair few of them. There are some really considered and convincing ones on both sides though.
Those I'm listening to. And even buying books off the back of.

How will he see?

DivorcingEU