Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

Is nobody else finding this , erm, "unbelievable"?

At the moment he still thinks there is hope, but when he realises nothing is going to change he will have to accept that this is how it is. Then he will decide if he wants to stay in an unfulfilling relationship. You will need to accept that there may come a day when he will leave you. Not because of sex, but because this relationship does not meet his needs. No one should stay in an unhappy relationship.

‘By the sounds of it he would have still been with her and married her if she said she was asexual’?? What thread have you been reading? His aren’t the actions of someone being ok with being married to an asexual
this is literally why there is a thread, he isn’t! Very odd conclusion for you to reach…

I couldn't be in a relationship like this. I feel so sorry for your husband, and the fact that you can't even see why he 'thinks it's a big deal' that you don't find him attractive and prefer women is crazy to me. OF COURSE it's a big deal. And sex is very important to a lot of people.

You are incredibly selfish. Me me me. You shouldn’t have got married if you felt like this at the time. Marriage has an expectation of sex. Yes things can change but they haven’t for you. You just want everything on your terms.

As with so many other time on this thread there is nothing wrong with not wanting sex. There is everything wrong with manipulating other people
This.
It's not a difficult concept to grasp.

The OP is hoping he'll stick around and meet her needs if she gives the impression there might be some crumbs available at some point in an unspecified future.
It's very We didn't have sex very often and he knew I preferred women, but now I've taken sex off the table because I'm not bothered if I ever have it again, I give lots of reasons and get annoyed when he tries to resolve those reasons. Why can't he accept that sex isn't important, maybe therapy will help him realise that he should stay in an unfulfilling relationship and meet all of my needs? I'm not going to tell him honestly that sex is off the table for good because he might wake up and realise he deserves more than crumbs, and technically I might consider it one day, maybe one day we have sex and I'd like it, but I don't think he should want it (and probably if I keep like this he'll get so ground down and his self esteem further diminished and he'll stop trying and I'll win, giving me the marriage I want and he'll be so convinced he's the problem and weird for wanting sex that he'll not look anywhere else).

If OP really loved him she'd not be asking how to manipulate her husband.

That's pretty accurate.

OP I know you're getting a hard time but I really hope you listen to people on this thread. I feel so so sorry for this poor man. Saying that maybe you'll have sex again at some point and you'll "probably enjoy it" isn't enough. Please just be honest with him.

Intermittent reinforcement is a technique that allows a person to psychologically manipulate another, to stay in situations long after they should have left.

By offering him occasional crumbs of affection, you are keeping him bound to you, for your own reasons. Because it suits you.

But it doesn't suit him, does it. You know this.

'We love each other and to throw away everything we've built and the life we have just so he can have sex is crushing.
Surely love and a marriage is worth so much more than that.'

'Just so he can'. This is the nub of the issue. Theres no 'just' about it. That you don't want sex is one thing, that you utterly miss the importance of sex for him and most other people is the big problem. You cant 'win' this with a compelling argument for how important love and marriage are. You cant win it by dismissing sex as unimportant by comparison.

You are fundamentally incompatible.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting sex. Nobody should feel pressured into having sex when they don't want to - and if that means never, that's fine.

But that means that you are not going to be compatible with someone that does want to have a sex life with their partner. If sex drives are mismatched then there's the ability to compromise on frequency. But when one party doesn't ever want to have sex, there is no compromise.

You need to be honest with him - you've danced around my questions on whether you have been clear that you don't want to have sex with him again. I suspect you haven't. That's not fair. Aside from everything else he needs to know so that he stops asking and looking for sex.

OP, have you ever been assessed for ASD? I struggle to grasp why you do not take on board the message from the vast majority of the responses that you’ve received on this thread.

My experience of people with asd from my work (students), is that they accept things people tell them, especially if corroborated. They sometimes need things spelt out - but we have really spelt it out to op!

I think this is something else - op can't accept she's in the wrong because that would be acknowledging that she's systematically and relentlessly emotionally manipulated her dh who she claims to love, since he was very young. She's dominated the narrative for so long that she can't face that the reality she's constructed for them both ("sex is a want, not a need, like running in the streets naked") is rubbish.

After so many years of this, it would take real strength of character to admit you've been cruel and wrong all along

What men say is not the same as how they feel. Putting a brave face on is hard-wired into many men's psyches through years of social conditioning. Those same people (men) who often say "everything is perfect but the sex" also often go on to describe very one-side relationships where they are actually deeply unhappy and feel worthless.

Sadly I've been in a situation of mismatched sexual desire as the lower libido partner and my partner said exactly the same thing. It was only in therapy that he finally revealed how it was making him feel and really how important sex is for most men with healthy libidos in feeling loved and valued in a relationship. I'm glad to say that I did listen and we have made changes that work for us.

Showing a man that you don't have any sexual desire for him in a long term relationship will eat at his self-esteem. As will disrespecting and not listening to his point of view, needs and wants in a relationship. It is really sad that OP can't see that she is, at the very least in part, responsible for her husband's self-esteem issues.

This thread is interesting reading and also somewhat upsetting.

One comment that is striking is 'why would my husband throw away our lovely life for sex? Isn't love and lifestyle more important?' OP, this is not just sex for your DH. For most people, although not all and certainly not you it seems, sex is not about the physical need. It's about intimacy and having a full relationship. For many, sex is at the very heart of sharing your life with someone, and a relationship without sex isn't a full loving, intimate or committed relationship.

It seems you don't have a good understanding of what this means to your DH, in this thread you have dismissed his needs over and over again as something less important than love and the relationship. Sex is not separate, it's the foundation for a committed relationship for many.

I would suggest that you're honest with your DH and tell him you don't want sex but he's free to have it with others.

@Deedeeraaraa

why are you being so selfish Op?

I think you are being incredibly selfish @Deedeeraaraa .
of course you absolutely have the right never to have sex again.
However, you have completely batted away every attempt your husband has made. You block him at every turn. Have you ever given a thought as to how he is feeling.? This is all about you.
be honest with him and give him the chance to decide whether he wants to continue with the marriage as it stands. He is only 38 and you are asking him to basically not have sex. What a miserable position to put him in. For many people sex is about connecting with their partners. It is really important to some people.

You are holding him hostage emotionally. You are completely unable to see that he might have different needs to you. You say you can’t understand why he would throw away a marriage because there was no sex. You behave as if there is something wrong with him for having sexual needs.
I think it is you who needs therapy OP. You have to work out what your marriage is worth to you.
if you really loved him you you find a way to stop his suffering- not by having sex when you don’t want to- but by freeing him up to be with someone with whom he is compatible and with someone who actually finds him attractive.
this is all about you.

This is really sad, for both of you. The relationship aside from sex sounds pretty good.

I agree with the post's recommending you take the pressure off. You say he goes to bed earlier than you, so you aren't always too tired, you just don't have the urge or need. I get that, and I've also felt that way. But, I think most people, most of the time, feel the way your husband does and if you love somebody you have to try and show them love in the way they receive it. I know sex isn't love, but personally I'd feel quite unwanted and would really struggle to feel close to my husband if he didn't want to have sex with me. I couldn't live like that. It's the idea of 'never'.

Take the pressure off and try to get close to each other, in a way that isn't just a friendship. Talk to him about this, and tell him you're struggling to want sex and the pressure needs to be off for a while for you to feel at ease. Make it a rule that you're not going to have sex for a month - you'll want longer - but then at least for a little while, when he's touching you, you know it is because he wants to be close to you and their is no other agenda. You might enjoy it. Lie together and cuddle before bed - go to bed when he does.

He sounds wonderful and I think maybe you could think of him a little - accept that his needs are as normal as yours and are not going away and somehow if you want this to work, you need to find a middle ground.

Calling it.
Total baloney

OP You have essentially friend zoned your husband and you have zero desire to see him in a sexual way. I appreciate you are not interested in sex at all in any form (asexual or religious upbringing?) and maybe only see sex as a means to procreation rather than as part of a close, intimate relationship. But you cannot use therapy to try and get your husband to ignore how his body works, bribe him to stay with you, and stay in this status quo. Somethings had to give.

If you have the time read castaway by Lucy Irvine as it covers this situation.

This is one of the saddest things I've ever read on here. I really feel for your DH. You sound so mechanical, almost like you are trying to impersonate what a marriage is on the surface but without any creative depth. Appropriate love hearts? Good lord. You honestly come across as you want all the perks and benefits of marriage, everything, but without any compromise on your part. Marrying somebody after telling them you are absolutely not attracted to them it's cruel. Knowingly going into a relationship where he had very normal and tropical expectations but with you knowing 100% that you were never going to reciprocate is mean. It really wouldn't surprise me if he finds somebody else, and I don't think anybody would blame him. It's perfectly normal to want intimacy and to feel attractive to your partner.

@Deedeeraaraa

so if you enjoy it what’s the issue?

I am starting to think this too

He knew she wasn't that interested in sex or men when he got with her so it's not that much of a leap.

Also lots of people choose to date and marry asexuals, and plenty of asexuals do have some sex.

I've seen many people post about their dead bedroom later on even though they knew or at least always suspected from early on that their partner was asexual, so non asexuals marrying asexuals is certainly not unheard of , and the partner who wants sex will often keep trying even if they know their partner is asexual so again his actions are not unheard of.

I did say in my post that it might not be true at all that everything is perfect, but it's how they themselves see it.

You're saying showing a man you don't have any sexual desire for him in a long term will eat at his self esteem.....which it will. However the alternative is that she has to pretend she sexually desires him, which is extremely difficult if not impossible for most.

You said you listened to your partner and made changes which worked for you, that's great, but you're in the minority. Most dead bedrooms can't be fixed, even with therapy. You can't negotiate sexual desire. She wasn't attracted to him 15 years ago, she's not going to be able to magic it up 15 years later.