Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

Do you also want to congratulate her for leading her DH on and pretending she will want to when she magically is in the mood again, yet she is telling us and not her DH she doesn't plan to do anything that might get herself in the mood, she isn't attracted to her and she prefers no sex (or women )

Op did you read this about women's labido would you be willing to try this or are you certain no more she'd ever is what you want?

If the second you need to be honest and tell him

He might be saying that but he might not.

A lot of people in dead bedrooms say "everything is perfect except the sex".
Now that might not be true at all really, but it's how they themselves see the relationship.

You said she doesn't understand how men work.

But I've seen men post about this all the time saying "everything is perfect except the sex" and "don't tell me to leave".

I will and do have sex when I'm in the mood.
My husband knows that. And he knows I don't really care if that happens again or not, although I'm sure it will.

I regret saying I prefer women. I don't want to have sex with anyone other than my husband. I don't think "oh I want to have sex with them! " about anyone. Man or woman. It was more to demonstrate that he knew quite clearly ahead of marriage that it wasn't based on physical attraction.

I missed this. Thank you for highlighting it.

I've rarely read anything as selfish, self centered and unaware on here and I've been here a very long time.
It's all me me me isn't it op. You have no intention of seeing anything from his point of view and have taken not a bit of notice from people trying to help.
Poor bloke.

OP does recognise this situation as a problem as she knows he wants sex but is not getting it from her. Now she is worried that he may go elsewhere and the strings of a sexless marriage & children won’t be sufficient to keep him in it.

OP does not even see her husband as a living breathing sexual being (no sex, hates him masturbating) never mind being attracted to him. Now worried that one day he will just walk away wanting more from life than she is prepared to give him he is having ‘therapy.’

The problem is they both made a mistake with this marriage but both are failing to recognise & act on it appropriately.

Completely kissing the point.

She said she has never been attracted to him.

Gosh knows why you'd marry someone you weren't attracted to.

I doubt he knew this from the start did he???

Well by the sounds of it sex was very infrequent right from the start.

I have no problem with him masturbating. I don't want him to start doing it without warning, or after I've told him I'm too tired or stressed to have sex, whilst sitting or lying next to me, but otherwise...

He absolutely knew.
And I never really have found anyone attractive. I just don't look at people as potential sexual partners.
Does this mean I should never get married?

A couple of times a month on average. He'd usually try one day after the other, after the other. So, say, twice one week then he'd leave it 4 weeks before trying again.

I can tell you from my own experience as a male who has lived like this for forty years she needs to be honest with him and end this. What sparked my response was the 6 times a year. 6 times for me, was if I as lucky! As a young man I was frozen out three months just before the wedding, and the very first time we did have sex was 16 months after it. Yes it took 16 months before we consummated our marriage. Every excuse imaginable was used. Only telling me a month after the wedding that sex was not important to her and that she had a low libido. I made my mind up to go and leave when, just then, we did it for the first time only for her to fall pregnant.

I decided then to stay and look after our baby and do everything I could to bring them up and forsaking everything for her and our child. I can almost work out how many times we have had sex in the marriage and you will not get much change out of 50 times also anything that resembles intimacy a further 100 times and that’s in 40 years. Every single time I tried I was made to feel, I’m wrong even dirty and being totally unreasonable wanting sex.

This would make me feel sad, depressed, less of a man. As a younger man on some occasions it would bring a tears to my eyes, as I was trying to get to sleep and all I wanting to do was hold her and be held by her. At my lowest point twenty years ago I just wanted to end it all and I’m not just talking about the marriage. But the love for my child and learning to love myself brought me through all this. Nothing has changed even now and gave up trying years ago.

So be honest with him and set him free

Women go to the ends of the earth to have a baby and wanting that family so don’t be hard on men if they want sex, we are programmed in exactly the same way and just wanting to share our lives with that like minded person.

@Justryingetonwithlife I am so sorry this was your experience.

"Every single time I tried I was made to feel, I’m wrong even dirty and being totally unreasonable wanting sex.

This would make me feel sad, depressed, less of a man. As a younger man on some occasions it would bring a tears to my eyes, as I was trying to get to sleep and all I wanting to do was hold her and be held by her. At my lowest point twenty years ago I just wanted to end it all and I’m not just talking about the marriage"

This is exactly why I feel for OPs husband. I fear he's heading the same way if she refuses to be honest with him and give him a choice.

The feelings associated with this problem are horribly depressing and soul destroying. Chronic rejection, poor self esteem, depression, feeling unloved, life passing by. Horrid.

She had described that her husband has done multiple things to try and get her in the mood and I still some intimacy.

It's very likely this is why he had tried to masturbate next to her.

@scoobysnaxx No, unless he is severely mentally impaired he'll know randomly wanking next to any woman is not going to turn most women on.

He does some things to try and get OP to shag him.

He probably has a wank because he's horny- (which is fine but maybe not next to someone unless it's part of an existing sexual session.)

He will have more than one thing going on in his life and brain- like everyone.

a) He wants sex with OP
b) He's also horny.

They're related but in most people not entirely identical at all times.

OK, this is really obvious now.
“But I should have sex with him when I don't want to?”
No one said you should. In fact there are dozens and dozens of responses telling you specifically you should not if you don’t want too. But you insist on avoiding the issue and adopting a victim tone.

You repeatedly say one thing, then the opposite, this approach presumably works for you in life normally, I suspect you are highly manipulative (if all the earlier indicators weren’t enough). You married when he was 23 and you were 25 but “We had been friends for years. We loved each other as friends and that grew to us never wanting to be apart.” Exactly how young were you when you met?

But then the cherry on top:
“Even then, I still love him. I don't necessarily love pictures like that of him, or that he does it because he wants something back to touch himself over (that's pretty creepy, really) but still.”
You aren’t attracted to him, you don’t want sex with him, but you don’t wany anyone else to have him, and you don’t even want him to masturbate?

When talking about your reasons why you don’t want him leaving or meeting someone else no one else is a factor. He certain isn’t, but your kids don’t even seem to (apart from as a tool to prevent him “try his luck” as you so delightfully put it).

“It's not a need. It's a want. A desire. He can have that want. Some people want to run through the streets naked. That's fine. Want to do that.
Just don't act on it.”
So him wanting sex is theoretically ok, but he should never act on it? Why? Because if he actually rebuilt is self-worth enough to realise that he is very much not the problem here you know he would be out the door and find someone who actually wants a normal relationship where they don’t control their partner. You would loose the easy comfort he give you.

This is not love, this is controlling and disturbing behaviour. I now agree your complete lack of empathy is not ASD it will be a different clinical cause. This guy needs people who actually care about him to stage in intervention and get him away from you.

And I never really have found anyone attractive. I just don't look at people as potential sexual partners. Does this mean I should never get married?

A couple of times a month on average. He'd usually try one day after the other, after the other. So, say, twice one week then he'd leave it 4 weeks before trying again.

So when you shag him are you/were you at any point in the mood for the actual sex? If not then it does sound like you're asexual.

And yet you say @Deedeeraaraa that you were more into women. What do you mean by that if you say you don't look at people as potential sexual partners? (Genuine question- I'm team OP BTW. ) Do you find women attractive? Or do you just like their personalities, or?

If you've had sex one day then he knows you definitely aren't going to want it the next day or the day after, as you've just had it and your libido isn't that high. So he is being either thick or inconsiderate to try it on repeatedly within a few days- either way, it's annoying.

Asexual people marry, but those marriages work better if their spouse knows they're asexual going into it and are ok with it.

Asexuality can take all sorts of forms, it might be worth you reading some sites about it or looking on an asexual forum to see if anything they say resonates with you.

But I think (not in a judgemental way) that you're somewhat confused about how you feel about sex. I have that some times- it's been worse when I've been seeing someone who pestered or pressured me about it in any way...it's the biggest turn off to have that pressure. Even if the person isn't much of a pest, you still know they have that want/expectation or whatever.

yes, it means asexual people shouldn’t marry people with sexual desires, unless the person with sexual desires is happy to never have sex (which they won’t be)

Gently @Deedeeraaraa do you really honestly not see this?

Struggling to understand now if this is real,
you have autism or something else…

They both married each other.
She married a man who wanted sex.
He married a woman who barely wanted any.

Both ignored the incompatibility, they both made a mistake.

@MumGMT world of difference between someone knowing they’re marrying someone with asexuality, versus marrying someone with a low sex drive (which can ebb and wane over a lifetime)

I note you keep saying “well would leave” but have you run this through. They were married when he was 23 and she was 25. 15 years ago that was young, so they will have been together several years (probably at least since he was 18/19/20 and she was 20/21/22).

She also says:
“We had been friends for years. We loved each other as friends and that grew to us never wanting to be apart.”
Not clear how many years earlier, they were just friends.

The husband sounded broken down by the marriage before but in this context it sounds like he she was probably his first girlfriend (a Lothario is hardly going to stay in this situation) and from a very young age, he has no other reference points. There are reasons getting married really young is a bad idea. But getting married to someone like this even more so. This is a situation ripe for an abuser to be able to dominate.

There are reasons getting married really young is a bad idea. But getting married to someone like this even more so. This is a situation ripe for an abuser to be able to dominate.

I think it's a bit much calling someone an abuser because they don't want sex. But you're right that eventually he might realize what he's missing and that he can get that in another relationship.

I had a relationship for a long time where the sex was bad- had a lightbulb moment after quite a while and left (via an affair.)

“I think it's a bit much calling someone an abuser because they don't want sex.”

Well it is a good thing I didn’t say then then.

As with so many other time on this thread there is nothing wrong with not wanting sex. There is everything wrong with manipulating other people.

Sounds like it was extremely infrequent right from the start (when it tends to be highest even for those with a low libido) he also knew she preferred women and he was her first boyfriend.

If I met a man who told me he preferred men and we barely had sex at the start I'd think he was gay, not asexual.

By the sounds of it he would have still been with her and married her if she said she was asexual...and they'd still be in the same boat now.

Just stop, she's not abusing him. She just doesn't want sex. She wanted to know how to make him ok with not having it, he's probably online somewhere trying to find out how to make her ok with having it. It's literally part and parcel of the experience for many.

They were both young. They both ignored the incompatibilities and this is the result.