Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

You still aren't listening OP. My God.

It's FINE if you never want sex again. It's FINE if you're happy to have sex once every 3 years if that happens.

It is FINE and normal that your husband wants more sex. It's FINE that you don't want to or have to. No one here is suggesting that you put out to make your husband happy.

What is NOT FINE is asking for ways to convince your husband that sex doesn't matter and that he should be fine with maybe never really having it again. That is manipulative and wrong. Sex is an important part of a relationship and marriage to the vast majority of people. You are the minority. It's wrong to even consider changing his mind on something that's important to him.

I literally feel upset on his behalf, thinking about him starting to masturbate next to you (probably in hopes of turning you on) and you getting up in disgust and going to sleep on the sofa. How HUMILIATING and lonely for him. He must feel so rejected it makes me so sad for him.

The only option you have is to be honest like everyone is saying.

I am not attracted to you.
I may not ever want to have sex again.
It's fine that you do.
Would you like an open marriage?
Or do you want to divorce?

It soo GROSSLY UNFAIR for you to not be honest and give him a choice of having an alternative sexual partner if he wants to or divorcing you.

You don't get to dictate what happens here. That's why people are saying you are holding him hostage.

OP you are being ridiculously defensive because you know that you are being unreasonable.

You are taking perfectly reasonable responses, and then stretching them to extremes.

Have you ever told your H that you don't want to have sex, and that you don't care if you never have it again? Probably not, as I suspect you know it would open up a marriage-threatening can of worms that you are keen to avoid. The irony being that by turning this into the elephant in the room, and hoping that your H gets fed up and stops trying, you're threatening your marriage anyway.

There is no point in people giving you advice if you are determined to remain entrenched in your position - which is that you are right, your H is unrealistic, and all he has to do is stop asking about sex.

I've been totally honest. He knows everything.
Other than the love heart emojis when he sends me naked pictures of himself, I'm always honest with him.
Even then, I still love him. I don't necessarily love pictures like that of him, or that he does it because he wants something back to touch himself over (that's pretty creepy, really) but still.
He knows I don't look at him, or anyone else, and think "ooh, sexy"
He knows that I don't care if I never have sex again.

And he knows I love him more than anything in the world. He knows I feel safe when I'm with him. I feel respected. I feel cared for.
And I know that he feels like that towards me too.

Have you told him that you don't want to have sex with him? And that means ever, rather than just now?

There is a world of difference between "I don't care if I have sex again" and "I don't want to have sex with you again".

Have you made this clear? It's odd behaviour for him to keep trying if you have been explicit about not wanting a physical relationship.

"I don't necessarily love pictures like that of him, or that he does it because he wants something back to touch himself over (that's pretty creepy, really) but still.
He knows I don't look at him, or anyone else, and think "ooh, sexy"
He knows that I don't care if I never have sex again"

WOW. What's creepy about a couple of sexy pics back? You honestly want to criticising someone who would masturbate to a picture of his wife if she never wants to have sex? The absolute AUDACITY you have!! You're literally oozing revulsion. It's sad.

"And he knows I love him more than anything in the world. He knows I feel safe when I'm with him. I feel respected. I feel cared for.
And I know that he feels like that towards me too"

You you you.

I bet you ANYTHING he talked about sexual and marital dissatisfaction with his therapist. You're deluded.

It's not creepy to want to feel sexy and wanted by your partner and have a wank over it. It's pretty normal. On the scale of creepiness it's pretty low end.

I mean, maybe he does other things that have made you view him as creepy or seedy, but your comfort levels with sexuality seem very limited.

I'm not sure how you can say he's so loveable when at the same time you see him as this sleazy guy?

You've not had sex for 6 months because you don't want to and you think he should just accept that?

Why are you not seeking help for your lack of libido?

People saying someone is selfish for not having sex when they don't want it is really skeeving me out. It's part of a manipulative culture around sex.

@Deedeeraaraa Well done for not having it when you don't want it x

People are not saying that. They're saying OP should be honest with her DH that she doesn't want sex so he can make an informed decision whether he wants to stay with her.

The problem here is not that she doesn't want to have sex for the millionth time.

She is entitled to never want or have sex ever again.

The problem is wanting to try and convince your husband that sex isn't important and he's kind of weird for wanting it and to convince him to also be okay with maybe never having it again.

Honestly!

literally feel upset on his behalf, thinking about him starting to masturbate next to you (probably in hopes of turning you on)

Do women get turned on by blokes wanking in bed next to them without any discussion? Does any man think that works?

That's a new one on me!

I've had a bloke do that once because he was annoyed at me not giving him sex on demand. He wasn't doing it to turn me on in any way (well I assume not) he just wanted a wank and didn't care that that's not the most delightful of behaviour.

People saying someone is selfish for not having sex when they don't want it is really skeeving me out. It's part of a manipulative culture around sex.

Nobody has said that someone should have sex when they don't want to, have they?

Like dozens of posters have said. It's FINE to not want sex. It's NOT FINE to gaslight a partner, shame them for wanting an intimate relationship, and ask for ways to manipulate them into realising there's something wrong with a healthy sex drive.

Jesus Christ you are just me me me aren't you?

You literally don't give a fuck about him. Poor man

OP I don't understand how you can say you love your husband when you seem unable to understand he is a totally separate individual with his own wants and needs. I don't think it's love for him as much as a love of your life together.

You are quite happy about the status quo and seem to think he's being unreasonable, you come across as quite frustrated that he has the temerity to articulate his needs and in doing so risks spoiling your lovely life. Well he would like a lovely life too, there is nothing unreasonable about what he's asking for.

For you love is enough but for him is not and your solution to the mismatch is to try to persuade him to be more like you.

You need to accept that he wants a sexual relationship with you but you don't want one with him and on that basis there is unlikely to be a happy long term future for you together.

Of course you will feel heartbroken about that but your current expectations of him are selfish and unreasonable. You need to tell him you no longer want sex and understand that may be a deal breaker for him.

You seem to be reading a different thread. No one is saying the OP should have sex if she doesn't want to. We are saying feminising her dh and trying to therapise him inti not wanting sex is all kinds of messed up.
The OP seems to genuinely believe that her not wanting sex should be the end of the conversation. It's not. It's the beginning. The end may be that they split. But op doesn't want that either. She just wants her dh to be compliant and stop having a libido

Normally when women post that their partners do that the vast majority of posters say he's gross and should go to the bathroom.

But this thread has gone down a different direction and no matter what the OP says she's getting hammered.

@Deedeeraaraa He knows I feel safe when I'm with him. I feel respected. I feel cared for. And I know that he feels like that towards me too.
And what he also feels is rejected, demoralised, disappointed, resentful, lonely, unfulfilled, empty, unattractive, desperate... it goes on and on. But frankly, you don't give a rat's arse about how he feels. Do you.

And he knows I love him more than anything in the world. He knows I feel safe when I'm with him. I feel respected. I feel cared for.
And I know that he feels like that towards me too

A man who is distraught you won't have sex with him and is in therapy due to "self-esteem issues" feels "safe and respected" with you? He knows you love him more than anything but that you don't find him attractive or want to have any physical intimacy with him - is he a beloved sibling or favourite pet?

Sorry OP, I bet you all the money in the world that he is not telling his therapist that he feels loved, respected and safe with you. It seems you don't really understand show men work at all.

I think you need to get real with yourself here.

@Eleganz
Sorry OP, I bet you all the money in the world that he is not telling his therapist that he feels loved, respected and safe with you. It seems you don't really understand show men work at all.

Decent therapists would tell him that if he wants a sex life then he will have to end the relationship. They wouldn't demonise the partner though and make out she's some evil person like people on here are making out.

@porridgeisbae is literally NOT about whether women would find that attractive or not.

She had described that her husband has done multiple things to try and get her in the mood and I still some intimacy.

It's very likely this is why he had tried to masturbate next to her. Not because he seems to be some selfish, egotistical and creepy twat laying next to her not giving a shit that she's not in the mood.

He obviously did it to relieve himself and maybe out of bloody desperation and frustration!

I literally don't care whether or not she or women find that creepy or attractive or not.

I'm talking about the poor sod feeling so chronically rejected and untouched he had to resort to this!!

I agree

I never suggested that any therapist would and if you look at my previous posts suggesting he move on from the relationship is exactly what I suggest a therapist would do (other than giving him tips to try and find acceptance with his situation if he is unwilling to leave - which is what I suspect his previous therapist has tried to do based on OPs descriptions of him initially backing off after therapy and not initiating sexual contact).

If you actually read the post you have quoted I am talking about what the husband is likely telling the therapist about his situation.

I'd rather my partner did this (with warning/consent) next to me while being turned on by me, than went off to watch porn on the loo

But she doesn't want sex.
She prefers women, she always had a low libido. This 'poor sod' chose this woman.

I wouldn't marry a man who preferred men, and one who had a low libido where the sex was very infrequent from the start. And if I did choose to make that choice then I wouldn't be a victim or 'poor sod' if 15 years down the line the sex was totally gone.

Both of them chose to ignore the incompatibility at the start, and this is the result. She's not a monster. They both made a bad choice. That is not all on the OP.