Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

He needs to leave for his own mental health and self worth.

I agree. It's just a lot of people are trying to say that the OP has to end it, and they're infantilizing the husband.

I'm not sure that is a fair characterisation of the comments on this thread.

Exactly this! This is how it was for my DP with his ExW. He is the evil one because he's reluctant to publicise that it was the lack of sex that led him to leaving. This is in part due to shame (how awful must I be that my wife didn't want to sleep with me) but also, he says, it was the lack of affection that upset him most which led him to feeling unloved. His ExW is a bit like the OP (though not as entrenched) and plays the victim. He left me, sob, sob, how could he, and so on but ultimately, she gave him no option, in my opinion. He actually stayed in the sex free marriage for many years as he didn't want to leave his DC. It was a heartbreaking position for him to be in. Funnily enough, his DC were not surprised when he left and have total sympathy for him.

God you just want it all your own way don't you? You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him, that's your problem. It's got to be him that changes, not you. It's got to be him that sacrifices part of his being, not you. If you are real then I have never read of such a selfish, self centred person. You don't love him. You love the life he's given you and you can't respect him enough to accept that him wanting a sexual life is his right. You are removing it from him and in the most callous of ways. He deserves so much better.

I agree with a lot of the posts and this one. Selfish.

I have a very low sex drive. My husband has a higher libido and sex is very much his love language. Not having regular sexual contact makes my husband very unhappy. I love my husband and value my marriage. I have sex more often than I feel like having it. I make the effort to enjoy it as much as I can and use it as an opportunity be close and affectionate with him, even if I'm not feeling it sexually. He never pressures me and I certainly don't lie there like a sack of potatoes. Both of our lives are happier like this and I never, ever regret it or wish it hadn't happened. The only alternative is splitting up and that's just unthinkable. I'm happy to put our marriage first, and so is he. He has sex a little less frequently than he would like, I have sex a bit more (willingly) and we meet in the middle. Everything ticks along nicely in this way. Everyone is happy.

I couldnt sit back and let my husband be miserable due to a lack of intimacy with me, his wife, the only option for intimacy he has!

It’s a need. Believe me. It’s a need.

Imagine he said he never wanted to spend time with you. Ever. No time. That be ok with you?

You aren’t listening at all.

We really are wasting our time on this thread. Despite the majority of posters disagreeing with OP she still thinks she is in the right, and that sex is some deviant "want". I really don't know what she wanted from this thread, it certainly wasn't advice.

I wish her DH would start a thread so we could all advise him to find someone more worthy of his love.

But I should have sex with him when I don't want to?

No, you should be honest with him, tell him you will never ever have sex with him again, and that he is free to leave if he wishes.

You really are not coming across well here, and yet you just can't see it.

Just tell him you don't want to have sex ever again and ask him if he wants to divorce. I'm sure many people have already said this.

Oh FFS. No. You should tell him, in person or in response to one of his sexy messages, that you don’t fancy him, have been stringing him along, won’t ever enthusiastically shag him again and think sex is icky, pointless and unnecessary, that you hoped therapy would cure him of wanting it but now see it didn’t work.

Then he’ll be clear about your position and can decide what to do with his future.

No, you should tell him the truth: that you don't fancy him and you don't want sex with him so that he can have a choice.
He doesn't need fixing, there is nothing wrong with having sexual desires.
And I say this as someone who has been where you are and has chosen to leave him. He is happy and I am happy. It took me years to realize that I was being selfish and I had to let him go.

Not one person has said that.

He has no right to force you into sex.

You have no right to force him into
a sexless marriage.

You are not compatible and you owe him honesty. That you never want sex with him. And that will not change. Allow him to make an informed choice. Sexless marriage or the opportunity to find something else.

No, but you should stop lying to him! Stop making excuses and holding out hope of a sexual relationship to him.

Be honest about the kind of relationship you want ongoing and let him make an informed choice about how he's going to live his life.

I don't take any issue with people who enjoy sex. I took issue with the scornful tone of the comment.

OP, your answers are quite revealing. When asked about your feelings if he were to meet someone else and want to end the marriage, your response is to say it would be heartbreaking to leave a marriage "just" to have sex.

You feel sex is unimportant. You don't understand why someone would feel rejected and unhappy because their partner doesn't want a physical relationship. You don't view it as holding any kind of meaning or priority in your relationship.

That would be absolutely fine if your partner were on the same page, but he's not. For the majority of people, sex is a crucial glue in their relationships.

It's fine if you don't want to have sex. It's NOT fine to try and imply that your partner is in the wrong for wanting to have a physical relationship. It is NOT fine to suggest that he has his priorities wrong - and that by wanting a physical relationship beyond linking arms and sightseeing together, he's somehow suffering low self-esteem. It's really cruel and insidious to chip away at someone like this.

You need to decide what you want. If you want to stay in a relationship with your husband then you need to try and meet him halfway. If you really don't want to have sex then you need to tell him this, and be prepared for him to want to leave the marriage if he decides he doesn't want to stay in a sexless relationship.

But I should have sex with him when I don't want to?

But @Deedeeraaraa you're effectively asking him to go through conversion therapy to put him off sex. Imagine if he said he wants to coerce you into having sex that you know you don't want. And that you should go to therapy to persuade you to think you should enjoy sex.

Can you honestly not see the hypocrisy?

No I fully understand it.
Maybe it will result in sex, maybe it won't. But taking sex totally off the table so there's no pressure sounds productive.

Everyone has this misconception that I never want sex again. I don't care I don't ever have sex again.
I'm sure it will happen, and when it does I'll probably enjoy it, but what I don't want is it to be expected. That I'm not going to drop my panties when I'm tired or busy just because the kids are out of the house or because we are in a hotel.

I didn't send him to therapy for wanting sex. He chose to go because he had issues rooted in his self-esteem. I hadn't even mentioned therapy to him.
He got the idea from some host on a murder podcast talking about his therapist.

Everyone has this misconception that I never want sex again. I don't care I don't ever have sex again.
I'm sure it will happen, and when it does I'll probably enjoy it, but what I don't want is it to be expected. That I'm not going to drop my panties when I'm tired or busy just because the kids are out of the house or because we are in a hotel.
Nobody is saying you have to drop your pants on demand.

What you seem to want is for him to be in an unfulfilling and largely celibate relationship for the vast majority of the time, other than the odd occasion where you might consider having sex.

The rest of the time he's expected to either make no attempt at intimacy or go through the rejection every time you decide cleaning the floors is more appealing. Then there's the nerve to suggest that him wanting an intimate relationship is about him having low self esteem and needing an ego boost.

You're not being entirely honest with him, probably because if you were totally honest with him he might decide to walk away. To prevent that you dangle the possibility of sex at some point as a carrot and then pathologise the poor man, gaslight him that he's the one with the problem and that he might need therapy to think how you want him to.

This is fair.

OP you don't even want to try.
You don't even listen to what the majority of posters are saying to you.
Not many threads on here infuriate me (aside from the ones regarding child abuse) but you're incredulous.
I really hope your husband sees the light and leaves this marriage.

So what would the circumstances have to be like for you to 'drop your panties'?
You do know it's normal to have sex when away in a hotel with one's partner!