Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

But you're only seeing this from your perspective. Sex is important to him! You're just trying to stamp on that.

Sorry op but he wants to have sex with his wife. That’s okay that he wants that, he isn’t asking for the most ridiculous thing. You don’t want to have sex with your husband and that’s okay too. The issue here is you want and need different things. He wants and needs intimacy in his relationship, you want to have that part over. You can’t just expect him to be okay with what you want for the rest of your marriage.

You are asking for advice on how to help his dissatisfaction but everyone here is explaining that he’s entitled to feel upset about this choice. No one is telling you you need to have sex, of course you don’t but what you both want in a relationship is not the same. This means that someone ( most likely him) is going to be hurt, let down and feel rotten about themselves. No one should be told that being attractive is important but having your spouse feeling attracted to you is important. It does give you an ego boost and that’s normal for everyone.

Youre unhappy with what he wants but you expect him to be happy with what you want. Someone here is going to have to make a big compromise and it’s going to be him. You’ve decided something that changes your marriage. Marriage isn’t all about sex but to him it’s clearly important.

I would put it down as a desire if he was asking for more risky things, if he was lusting after someone else but he isn’t. The fact you’re describing his wanting to be close and intimate with you in such a negative light shows you two don’t want the same things.

Marriage/long term relationships are like a stool, they needs all the legs to function properly. For many couples (or at least one person in those couples) sexual intimacy is a leg of the stool.

@Deedeeraaraa - you refer to not having sex when you don’t want to as if this is about frequency i.e. your H wanting it every day and you wanting it once a week. But that’s not what’s going on - you just don’t want to have sex with your H ever again because you don’t desire sex with him.

Either you’re asexual (which might explain your apparent inability to understand where he’s coming from) or you really only feel sexual attraction for women.

Your H’s desire for sexual intimacy with you is healthy and normal. It’s not generally acceptable for him to meet this need outside marriage. You shouldn’t have sex against your will but you should be honest with your husband about the true position. At the moment, you’re being selfish and dishonest about the situation.

Frankly, so far you haven't posted anything to suggest that you love him. Everything seems to be about you. He deserves to be loved properly.

He will find that again with someone else, sorry to say. It can't all be rosy for him if his wife's stopped his sex life.

“Marriage/long term relationships are like a stool, they needs all the legs to function properly. For many couples (or at least one person in those couples) sexual intimacy is a leg of the stool.”

Beautifully put by @Eleganz

You don't seem to see , if sex is important ti him and you won't have sex with him then rightly or wrongly he will look elsewhere.
You say sex isn't important- not to you it isn't.

This is unfixable.

I have actually never heard views like yours op. I can understand asexuality but you seem to really see other people's sexual desires as a personality defect which needs to be repaired.

I'm hear because I'm asking for advice to help ease his dissatisfaction without me having to have sex

You can't. You can't make him not want sex. You just don't get it, do you? You want to change him so he doesn't want sex. You, want to chnge him. There is NO WAY a man won't be dissatisfied with not having sex. What you want, is not possible. It's not doable. All men want sex.

And you are wrong, it is both a want, AND a need.

FFS, you're not listening. You can't change him. And you have NO RIGHT to even WANT to change him. It's you that needs to change. He wants sex. You are being selfish. You are highly manipulative, controlling and selfish. Let him go and find a woman who truly loves him. Because you have made it very clear you don't love him or care about him.

Think you've put your finger on it there. She is hoping therapy will fix him by removing his sexual desire for her. Here's hoping that he will have a therapist that can help him see the reality of the situation and help him find the best way forward, which I suspect is to leave the relationship.

No, you don't love him. You don't love him at all.

Marriage is about sex. That's what it's about. Without sex, you're just housemates.

If love and marriage is worth anything to you, you would either get therapy and change yourself and have sex with him, or, you would let him go.

You're just not getting it. You're the abnormal one here. You need sex therapy, or you need to let him go. One or the other.

Not all men want sex - some are asexual, some have low libidos. There are plenty of threads from women on here whose male partners stop being interested in sex or never were.

Unfortunately for the OP, she didn't pick one of those men, she picked one who does have a sex drive.

Wanting sex in a relationship is normal and healthy.

I'm flabbergasted that you want him to have therapy so that he doesn't want sex any more, when YOU are the one with the issue.

If you're not willing to have some sex therapy yourself to help resolve the problem you're having then the only fair thing to do would be to end the relationship.

Interestingly plenty of men in this situation choose to stay. So I guess that's why people say "set him free" but some of them don't seem to want to be set free either.

Couldn't your post also apply to him too?

He could have picked a woman who had a high or normal libido, but he picked a woman with a low libido where sex was always very infrequent from the very start, she also prefers women.

They were incompatible from the start, but both of them chose to ignore that.

I'm struggling to believe this is real. If it is genuine, then I feel incredibly sorry for the OP's DH.
She does not understand or respect that for most people the desire for regular sex (as part of a loving relationship as opposed to 'fucking') is a want and a need.
She wants everything her way ie keep the DH but not compromise in any shape or form on the sex - won't consider opening up the marriage; won't seek help for herself; won't set him free.
All I read is HER trying to change HIM which of course, can't happen. I really hope this is fictitious because if it's not, OP is clearly deluded.

I almost would go as far as to say unless your husband finds the inner strength to leave you.. he's trapped.

Yes indeed, but he appears to be labouring under the delusion that if he creates the right situation, OP will be interested in sex with him. OP should be honest that she's gone from low libido to not wanting sex at all with him.

Your husband is a poor bugger I feel really sorry for him. :( why did you marry him?

They BOTH are deluded. It's a very common theme in dead bedrooms. They both think and hope that the other will change. The one who wants sex hopes that one day their partner will tear their clothes off after being driven mad with desire. The one who doesn't want sex hopes their partner will stop wanting it.

I can almost guarantee that seeking 'help' wouldn't benefit their sex life. She's never been attracted to him.

She doesn't have to open the marriage. Most of the time it doesn't even help dead bedrooms because the person wants sex with their partner, not someone else.

She might not have 'set him free' but she's not keeping him trapped either. He's a grown man who can make his own choices.

I agree that she should be fully honest.
However I've seen many posts over the years where one person does get to that point where they are completely honest, but it doesn't actually change anything, the partner who wants sex still keeps thinking it will be fixed.

@MumGMT I rarely hear anyone being VERY clear and honest and say sex is no longer something they are going to partake in. I think people avoid saying this as they are scared their partner will leave so there us always this glimmer of hope in their partner .

I think people need to be upfront and honest. If someone said 'please understand I am saying that's it. No more sex ever again for me' then partners can make the choice to stay or leave

You're literally asking someone to stop being hungry or thirsty OP. Your husbands sex drive is something that can neither be turned off or cured. It's an innate part of him which may wane over time (or may not if my 50+ year old husband is anything to go by) but can't be switched off.

People want sex for many different reasons, to feel close to someone, to make themselves or their partner feel good, to conceive, to rid themselves of stress, to show love and affection, this is all completely normal.

What you're asking if him is incredibly unfair and in my opinion the way you're going about it is both manipulative and abusive. Making the poor man think there's something wrong with him, that he's unattractive that he needs therapy. He needs therapy to increase his self worth after all you've put him through.

You're also modelling a horrendous relationship for your children which in itself is abusive.

They do avoid saying it for a long time, but then some eventually do say it. I've seen it plenty of times on other forums. It's not the mic drop moment people think it is.

I used to always post on here saying exactly what you said 'please understand I am saying that's it. No more sex ever again for me' then partners can make the choice to stay or leave'

Like you I thought that the partner would either leave or stay on the understanding that there wouldn't be any more sex.

The reality is often different though from what I've seen.

I rarely hear anyone being VERY clear and honest and say sex is no longer something they are going to partake in. I think people avoid saying this as they are scared their partner will leave so there us always this glimmer of hope in their partner .

I think people need to be upfront and honest. If someone said 'please understand I am saying that's it. No more sex ever again for me' then partners can make the choice to stay or leave
Agree with this.

The person wants to enforce a sexless relationship often seems to think that if they dangle to carrot of sex, even if they've no intention of it, then they can persuade their partner to stick around at put up with it. There's often a healthy reliance on guilt as well (eg if you loved me then you'd realise sex isn't important). I suspect there is also hope that their partner won't want to be the bad one for splitting a family up over sex so as long as they're not honest about it not being on the table then they can argue their partner is the unreasonable one in the event of a split, broke their heart, put sex before love etc.

Sooner or later the person who wants a full relationship will meet someone they get on with, that they find attractive and realise that there's nothing wrong with them, and they'll either leave or have an affair. Why spend years in an unfulfilling relationship being manipulated?