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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 17/08/2023 17:09

"Everyone seems to be ignoring that she ALWAYS had a low libido right from the start, and was mostly into women, and they are infantilizing this man.*

A low libido is different from starting off having sex then taking sex totally off the table, making a long list of excuses, then continuing to reject your partner's attempt to put right the situation, and when all else fails decide there's something wrong with him, that wanting sex is an ego boost, he has low self esteem, and that he needs therapy to stop his sex drive.

The first is understandable and something another person might compromise on if they love the person. It's quite common to have mismatched sex drives.

The latter is gaslight-y and potentially emotionally abusive.

category12 · 17/08/2023 17:14

Seems like OP is asexual. Which is fine and doesn't need "curing".

But at the same time, she needs to get to grips with him having a sex drive not being something that needs curing either. And no matter how good he feels about himself, and how high his self-esteem is, his sex drive is going to continue to exist. Possibly it might even rise if he felt awesome about himself.

I just think they're incompatible, but she isn't being honest enough to let him make informed choices.

IamSaved · 17/08/2023 17:16

A psychical connection shared between a couple works hand in hand with the emotional connection. Both of which have to exist (unless the couple are both asexual) in order for the relationship to work.

You cannot reasonably expect your husband to think and feel the same way as you. The psychical connection is clearly an important element to him.

There is a real risk that your husband will change how he feels towards you and meet another woman (with or without your consent or knowledge) and develop a physical/emotional connection with them.

Just my opinion.

TheresAHedgehogInMySoup · 17/08/2023 17:23

I've been in your husband's position. I was married to a man who eventually left me to come out as gay.

We didn't have much sex and we both thought we were happy with it.

I can't speak for my ex because I really don't want to know... But I would assume he has a lot more sex now and enjoys it more because he's in a relationship with someone he's a much better match for (another man).

I'm seeing a straight man and it's completely different. I would probably have said I could live without sex when I was married to my ex, but it's much more important to me now that I'm with someone who is genuinely attracted to me!

It is cruel, controlling and unfair for one partner in a relationship to set all the rules and boundaries. Your husband's wishes are just as important as yours. Either find a way to meet him half-way or free him to have the opportunity of a more fulfilling relationship.

I think you're in very deep denial about the role your stronger attraction to women is playing in this.

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 17:48

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 15:02

I do understand it and within the context of a problematic dead bedroom the OPs response is entirely normal and pretty much in line with the most common one that I have read.

In this particular situation the partner without the libido will empathise as much as possible, but they are also trying to protect themselves from unwanted sex so they generally only go so far with the empathy........when they do feel it more they often give in and have duty sex, which can have catastrophic consequences and create or worsen a sexual aversion.

Likewise on the other side of this you will see the people who want sex, who will say they understand that their partner doesn't want it.....but they can't empathise fully and understand exactly what unwanted sex feels like....it's like their brain won't go there because it's so painful. They get close sometimes such as saying what the OP said about it feeling like he was abusing her......but then they try again, or they want their partner to try to make it feel not abusive.

So the entire experience on both sides for most tends to have empathy to a point but then defence mechanisms kick in, defensiveness, denial, minimising and that's a fairly universal experience. No therapist who dealt with this would be shocked or think that there was something peculiar about the OP compared to others with no libido.

Show quote history

You are complete missing the point about empathy here. She cannot even conceptualise what his experience is, she doesn’t understand sexual desire. That is not a matter of normal dead bedrooms. One partner can empathise with the situation but loose sympathy due to the situation and feeling they have made enough compromises. Often that will be because they remember what a normal level of desire is. OP completely lacks that, especially the belief this is an esteem issue.

Where you have part of a point is when the longer term frustration with a situation being resolved removing sympathy. OP has repeatedly been told by multiple people the situation is not how she conceptualises it. Even though who have a condition causing them to lack empathy can often intellectually grasp the situation when set out correctly allowing them to engage with the issue. In this case her defence mechanism appears to have kicked in to the point she is disregarding multiple explanations (in addition to whatever previous explanations the Husband has tried). She is now avoiding understanding.

As others have pointed out, she sends mixed messages, communicates in a way to suggest there is some issues that can be overcome (“the kids are home” etc.) which he then tries to resolve. The reality is she never wants to have sex again. That needs to be communicated very directly and someone who understood the normal experience of sexual desire and had normal empathetic capabilities would be able to grasp.

The suggestion of “well he shouldn’t have married a bisexual women with a low libido” this is true. As she shouldn’t have married a man who wanted regular levels of sex (or as she perceived it, massively excessive amounts of sex). But people do foolish things and for what ever reason both didn’t understand what they were getting in to. He is not misleading about claiming he can “therapy” away his natural sex drive (she is the one pushing this idea), she is giving the dishonest impression that there are logistical barriers to her sex drive, that is false. She does not have sexual interest for this man (perhaps she would have some if she went back to dating women), and that needs to be really clear. With the first post it could have been a regular dead bedroom but the updates indicate something else is going on.

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 18:11

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 16:21

Everyone seems to be ignoring that she ALWAYS had a low libido right from the start, and was mostly into women, and they are infantilizing this man.

All this set him free stuff. I wouldn't be waiting around in a relationship waiting to be 'set free'. I'd end it myself if my partner didn't want to sleep with me. I also wouldn't marry a bisexual man (who preferred men) and who had a very libido to begin with.

You are complete missing the point about empathy here. She cannot even conceptualise what his experience is, she doesn’t understand sexual desire. That is not a matter of normal dead bedrooms. One partner can empathise with the situation but loose sympathy due to the situation and feeling they have made enough compromises. Often that will be because they remember what a normal level of desire is. OP completely lacks that, especially the belief this is an esteem issue.

Where you have part of a point is when the longer term frustration with a situation being resolved removing sympathy. OP has repeatedly been told by multiple people the situation is not how she conceptualises it. Even though who have a condition causing them to lack empathy can often intellectually grasp the situation when set out correctly allowing them to engage with the issue. In this case her defence mechanism appears to have kicked in to the point she is disregarding multiple explanations (in addition to whatever previous explanations the Husband has tried). She is now avoiding understanding.

As others have pointed out, she sends mixed messages, communicates in a way to suggest there is some issues that can be overcome (“the kids are home” etc.) which he then tries to resolve. The reality is she never wants to have sex again. That needs to be communicated very directly and someone who understood the normal experience of sexual desire and had normal empathetic capabilities would be able to grasp.

The suggestion of “well he shouldn’t have married a bisexual women with a low libido” this is true. As she shouldn’t have married a man who wanted regular levels of sex (or as she perceived it, massively excessive amounts of sex). But people do foolish things and for what ever reason both didn’t understand what they were getting in to. He is not misleading about claiming he can “therapy” away his natural sex drive (she is the one pushing this idea), she is giving the dishonest impression that there are logistical barriers to her sex drive, that is false. She does not have sexual interest for this man (perhaps she would have some if she went back to dating women), and that needs to be really clear. With the first post it could have been a regular dead bedroom but the updates indicate something else is going on.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:13

Hiddenvoice · 17/08/2023 06:36

Op I think it’s nice you want him to develop his self esteem but every single person in the world would also feel rejected and rubbish about themselves if their wife/ husband didn’t want to have sex with them and told them they weren’t attracted to them.

You want him to see that marriage is more than sex and you’re right, You need to be partners and friends. However, your posts read as if you actually don’t like him and find him clingy and annoying.

You want him to be okay with a sexless marriage and understand your point of view but you’re feeling to see how point of view and not understanding his feelings. You cannot ask that of someone, especially someone who clearly deeply loves you and wants to make this work.

Yes lots of people have said to end the marriage and I partly do agree. You’re holding onto a marriage due to a friendship and being afraid to lose him and that’s okay but you are holding him back from being his true self and being happy. This marriage feels very much about what you want, not about what both of you want. Most marriages go through the roommate stage and that’s really hard, you need the love, respect and Friendship to get through it but you’re not willing to try understand what’s causing you to feel like this. You’re happy to remain as lovely roommates and that’s not fair on him.

I was very frustrated when I wrote my original post and would change things about it if I were to redo it.
I understand how people think I find my husband clingy and annoying but I didn't mean to give that impression. He's wonderful.

I don't want to reject him but I can't just turn on my horniness like a switch. He doesn't seem to recognised that when I'm busy, or stressed or tired I'm not going to be in the mood to have sex.

I'm OK with him masturbating if that's what he wants to do. I've got up and gone to sleep on the couch when he's started playing with himself in bed. I don't like doing it but...

As I said in the original post too, I do make the appropriate love hearts etc he sends me pictures of himself. I'm not going to lie to him but I'm not going to be hurtful.

Our marriage is full of compromises. All marriages are. It really isn't all about what I want. I've made sacrifices for the relationship. So has he. I don't expect there are many marriages that don't.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/08/2023 18:20

Yes, but your love hearts are lies. You're not attracted to him, you don't find him sexy - it's not a compromise to pretend sexual interest when you have none. It's just lying and holding out false hope to him.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:24

LolaSmiles · 17/08/2023 07:01

I don't think he needs therapy OP.

It's normal to want a sexually intimate relationship with a romantic partner and it's normal to feel good after sex.

The fact you seem to think of it as an ego boost to him, something he needs therapy for, and equate having a typical sex drive as a sign of low self esteem that needs therapy comes across as a bit gaslight-y.

I don't think he needs to go to therapy for this.
I'm not sure where I've said that but I'm sorry you, and others have got that impression.

Where I said "ego boost" I meant what you said "normal to feel good after sex.
You admit you feel good about yourself after sex. That's great for you. My comment was he might not look for that so much if he already felt good about himself.
It was just speculation intended as a throw away comment.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/08/2023 18:24

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:24

I don't think he needs to go to therapy for this.
I'm not sure where I've said that but I'm sorry you, and others have got that impression.

Where I said "ego boost" I meant what you said "normal to feel good after sex.
You admit you feel good about yourself after sex. That's great for you. My comment was he might not look for that so much if he already felt good about himself.
It was just speculation intended as a throw away comment.

Show quote history

Nah, that's not how sex drives work.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:27

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 08:11

No it isn’t. Because you basically never feel like it and are dismissing his needs that are perfectly normal. It’s fine to not want sex. It’s not fine to hold him hostage. You aren’t compatible.

Show quote history

I don't see how I'm holding him hostage. I'm saying no when I don't want to have sex and apparently this is the worst thing ever.

OP posts:
Sueveneers · 17/08/2023 18:28

You are not being honest with him. If you were, he might leave and be happy. That, is how you are holding him hostage.

Hiddenvoice · 17/08/2023 18:31

I think the overall thing here is you’re not attracted to him and that’s okay. You would be happy continuing with a sexless marriage but you need to give him that choice. Right now it’s clear he wants intimacy and that’s okay for him to want, it’s sort of expected in a marriage.

Of course you can’t switch on when you feel in the mood but the issue is you’re not ever in the mood and dont really want to be in the mood again. You’ve mentioned the countless times he tries it on, he’s suggested so many times so I’m sorry but I find it hard to believe that you’re incredibly busy, tired and stressed at all those times. Even when he’s suggested a weekend away you’ve turned him down but you’ve not actually given it a chance, you’re just expecting to not be in the mood. All this suggests is you’re not attracted to him.

This now needs to become an honest chat with him, tell him gently how you’re feeling and what you’re wanting and then give him time to think about what he wants for a marriage and for the rest of his life. If you two want different things then maybe it’s for the best to be each others best friends but let each other go so you can each find the right person for you. It will of course hurt but you both deserve to be happy and right now neither of you really are.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:33

LovelyJubbly12345 · 17/08/2023 07:22

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him

And dear Lord, I hope you haven't actually said this to him. How cruel can you get?

I've said being attractive isn't important. It's not.
Wouldn't you hate it if your son or daughter grew up worrying about if they were attractive enough.
I want him to be happy in himself. I want my kids to be happy in themselves. Surely nobody should worry about how others see them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:38

LovelyJubbly12345 · 17/08/2023 07:20

As a woman of 53, with a high sex drive, I find it utterly mind blowing, that there are people roaming this earth that are seemingly dead below the waist. And that they don't want to get to the doctors and see what the problem is. Even when their marriage (and life as they know it) depends on it.

This isn't right, and you do need to see a doctor. For your own sake and for the sake of your marriage.

You can bury your head in the sand, but there is no chance on earth, that a 38 year old man, with a normal sex drive, is going to hang around indefinitely waiting for sexual crumbs, from someone who would rather clean the kitchen floor than have sex with him.

This issue won't go away. You don't have years to mess about. Even if he is truly decent and doesn't seek out an affair, I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that an affair will find him : Christmas party, night outs, attractive woman pays him attention and he hasn't had sex in years.....Bam. I've seen this play out many times. This is how this is going to go, if you don't seek help.

Of course, this might be your preferred outcome - single and with no pressure to have sex with anyone - that's fine - but at least open your eyes and see what's coming down the track, because your DH won't be with you in 10 years time if this trajectory continues - let's at least be real.

As someone else has said, do you think you should see a doctor about your high sex drive?

What level is appropriate for sex? How often should I want to be fucked to be considered normal in your eyes?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 17/08/2023 18:40

Op...were you brought up to believe sex is shameful?

Mummy08m · 17/08/2023 18:44

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:33

I've said being attractive isn't important. It's not.
Wouldn't you hate it if your son or daughter grew up worrying about if they were attractive enough.
I want him to be happy in himself. I want my kids to be happy in themselves. Surely nobody should worry about how others see them.

Show quote history

But this logic so twisted up.

No, people shouldn't feel the need to be generally "attractive" to everyone at large. That IS a "self esteem issue". But they are absolutely entitled to expect that their spouse will be attracted to them, or else end the marriage. As we (and the Church, etc etc) have tried to tell you, that's a normal part of marriage

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:45

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 07:47

You don’t seem to understand empathy, it requires an understanding of another persons emotional state. She is aware he id dissatisfied because he has expressed this directly. She doesn’t understand the dissatisfaction or what is driving it. She is told about one effect and assumed that the issue can be removed by therapy to “improve self-esteem.”
As someone else put it:
“It does sound a little like trying to explain sex to an android.”

This is not the normal reaction to a dead bedroom. Normally the partner who has lost interest can understand the multiple feeling the other person has but can’t put themselves act in a way to directly address them. In this case she can’t understand the issue at all. Those suggesting it is cruelty are probably misunderstanding what is likely going on. But you are just doing the opposite, which is also not helpful.

She doesn’t understand the needs of people in a normal relationship so appears to lack the ability to communicate to him the reality of the situation, because she doesn’t understand the effect on his side. She is very obviously giving very weird mixed signals and if there is no underlying issue she is an abusive gas-lighter (telling him she loves him and wants to stay married but also he is defective for wanting a normal sex life). It more likely she is undiagnosed and would benefit from that. When they separate it will make sense to him that she was not an evil person but simply couldn’t understand what he needed to know, so communicated the wrong information.

Show quote history

I absolutely understand his dissatisfaction. I'm hear because I'm asking for advice to help ease his dissatisfaction without me having to have sex when I don't want to.

I've never told him he's defective. I've never said there is something wrong with him. That has all been people here who have put those words in my mouth.

It's not a need. It's a want. A desire. He can have that want. Some people want to run through the streets naked. That's fine. Want to do that.
Just don't act on it.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 17/08/2023 18:47

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:27

I don't see how I'm holding him hostage. I'm saying no when I don't want to have sex and apparently this is the worst thing ever.

Show quote history

Yes, but you're also not considering his feelings in that sex is important to him also. You're trying to enforce it onto him with zero consideration for his feelings.
So you also essentially refuse to want to open up your marriage so he can have his sexual needs fulfilled also. You just want everything you're way. I'd divorce someone like you straight away.. its not even trying to work out as you see your perspective and yours only.

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 18:48

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 17:48

You are complete missing the point about empathy here. She cannot even conceptualise what his experience is, she doesn’t understand sexual desire. That is not a matter of normal dead bedrooms. One partner can empathise with the situation but loose sympathy due to the situation and feeling they have made enough compromises. Often that will be because they remember what a normal level of desire is. OP completely lacks that, especially the belief this is an esteem issue.

Where you have part of a point is when the longer term frustration with a situation being resolved removing sympathy. OP has repeatedly been told by multiple people the situation is not how she conceptualises it. Even though who have a condition causing them to lack empathy can often intellectually grasp the situation when set out correctly allowing them to engage with the issue. In this case her defence mechanism appears to have kicked in to the point she is disregarding multiple explanations (in addition to whatever previous explanations the Husband has tried). She is now avoiding understanding.

As others have pointed out, she sends mixed messages, communicates in a way to suggest there is some issues that can be overcome (“the kids are home” etc.) which he then tries to resolve. The reality is she never wants to have sex again. That needs to be communicated very directly and someone who understood the normal experience of sexual desire and had normal empathetic capabilities would be able to grasp.

The suggestion of “well he shouldn’t have married a bisexual women with a low libido” this is true. As she shouldn’t have married a man who wanted regular levels of sex (or as she perceived it, massively excessive amounts of sex). But people do foolish things and for what ever reason both didn’t understand what they were getting in to. He is not misleading about claiming he can “therapy” away his natural sex drive (she is the one pushing this idea), she is giving the dishonest impression that there are logistical barriers to her sex drive, that is false. She does not have sexual interest for this man (perhaps she would have some if she went back to dating women), and that needs to be really clear. With the first post it could have been a regular dead bedroom but the updates indicate something else is going on.

Show quote history

Within a dead bedroom dynamic, for many, this IS the extent to which they can empathise for the reasons I've mentioned earlier.

If the one who doesn't want to have sex lets their brain go there then they will feel pushed into sex they don't want, and if the one who does want to have sex lets themselves empathise fully then they would be traumatised if they knew what unwanted sex felt like.

For such a massively serious incompatibility the brain protects itself, it does not mean the person does not have normal empathetic capabilities. It's just they are in an extremely difficult situation.

I've seen so many post similar to what the OP posted, and so many on the other side who are apparently completely clueless about why their partner won't 'just do it'.

The mixed messages are again a common part of that side of the dynamic, they're not indicative of a clinical diagnosis as pp have suggested or OPs dead bedroom not being a normal one. Go read elsewhere, false promises are part and parcel and tend to go on for a long long time. Both people in the dynamic tend to be a bit (or very) deluded.

I fully agree that she needs to tell him she never wants to have sex again. However, I have seen many threads where people do just that and that is not accepted by the other partner.

Mummy08m · 17/08/2023 18:48

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:38

As someone else has said, do you think you should see a doctor about your high sex drive?

What level is appropriate for sex? How often should I want to be fucked to be considered normal in your eyes?

Show quote history

Wow you really look down on people who have normal sexual relationships don't you? "How often should I want to be fucked". Goodness me.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this forum in saying that I'm never "fucked" by my dh; we have mutually pleasurable love-making.

I think it's one thing to be asexual, it's totally another to be openly and rudely scornful of people who have sex, even as part of a monogamous marriage. Yabu

category12 · 17/08/2023 18:48

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:33

I've said being attractive isn't important. It's not.
Wouldn't you hate it if your son or daughter grew up worrying about if they were attractive enough.
I want him to be happy in himself. I want my kids to be happy in themselves. Surely nobody should worry about how others see them.

Show quote history

It's not about being generally or objectively attractive or appearances at all really, it's about feeling attractive to your partner, about feeling desired and desiring in return. The joys of lust and passion and being in the moment with someone feeling the same.

I want my kids to be happy in themselves, and I want them to have partners who they feel wanted by and have passion with as adults. If they're not asexual.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 17/08/2023 18:50

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:45

I absolutely understand his dissatisfaction. I'm hear because I'm asking for advice to help ease his dissatisfaction without me having to have sex when I don't want to.

I've never told him he's defective. I've never said there is something wrong with him. That has all been people here who have put those words in my mouth.

It's not a need. It's a want. A desire. He can have that want. Some people want to run through the streets naked. That's fine. Want to do that.
Just don't act on it.

Show quote history

It seems like the only way you can ease his dissatisfaction is by agreeing to an open marriage or him deciding to leave.

The simple fact is that you cannot expect him to be celibate for the rest of his life.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:51

paddleboarder12 · 17/08/2023 08:25

OP how would you feel if he announces he’s found someone who does want to have sex with him and seems very attracted to him and he’s leaving you?

Heartbroken.
We love each other and to throw away everything we've built and the life we have just so he can have sex is crushing.
Surely love and a marriage is worth so much more than that.

OP posts:
Eleganz · 17/08/2023 18:52

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 18:38

As someone else has said, do you think you should see a doctor about your high sex drive?

What level is appropriate for sex? How often should I want to be fucked to be considered normal in your eyes?

Show quote history

Sorry OP, you can't sit there at one extreme end of the bell curve and get huffy that people are suggesting it is not normal.

However, you are you and you feel what you feel. It seems you aren't that bothered about your husband, perhaps a bit contemptible of him and certainly not willing to extend much empathy to his viewpoint really. You can't be too surprised that your husband is responding to how your behaving like he is.

He is having to seek counselling because his wife doesn't really care about him, despite your claims otherwise. I suspect that therapists have established with him that, as he doesn't want to leave the relationship, he needs to practice acceptance of his fate. He is clearly struggling with that and I suspect that he may realise that he can no longer remain in a relationship with you as a result.

You say you want him to be happy in himself when your choices and behaviour are making him unhappy. Perhaps he can only be happy in himself without you and with someone shares his need for intimacy and cares about his needs.