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Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
Mylovelygreendress · 17/08/2023 09:55

I am still shocked by your “ trying his luck” comment . We are talking about your husband not some guy you have just met in a pub .
Did you deliberately choose accommodation that would make sex difficult or impossible?
Like the majority of posters I find your selfishness and lack of concern for your husband truly disturbing.

Stressybessyboo · 17/08/2023 10:00

I'm in 'his position' but as a female. My DP (male) has a low sex drive and I have a high sex drive. Last time we had sex was 3 months ago and it's actually really starting to affect my mental health. Sex for me is a connection, a good time and a stress relief! I feel rejected as a person when he rejects any advances I make (rarely now). I'm 32 and I feel far too young to accept I will very rarely have sex again. I wouldn't cheat on him but I do dream about being with someone who likes sex!
Couples counseling would be a start I guess but if you're not compatible on this front then perhaps it's best to go separate ways?

marblesthecat · 17/08/2023 10:02

You want very different things and you are never going to make each other happy. You are always going to feel harassed and he is always going to feel rejected. His wants are normal and healthy and he deserves to be with someone who wnats him and as PPs have pointed out you aren't being entirely honest, you're making excuses to him which he has tried to resolve. I think you should be honest that you don't want to have sex at all and let him make his decision based on the truth.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 10:11

Wife doesn't want sex www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4860608-wife-doesnt-want-sex look at the op on this thread to see a husband perspective

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 10:12

Stressybessyboo · 17/08/2023 10:00

I'm in 'his position' but as a female. My DP (male) has a low sex drive and I have a high sex drive. Last time we had sex was 3 months ago and it's actually really starting to affect my mental health. Sex for me is a connection, a good time and a stress relief! I feel rejected as a person when he rejects any advances I make (rarely now). I'm 32 and I feel far too young to accept I will very rarely have sex again. I wouldn't cheat on him but I do dream about being with someone who likes sex!
Couples counseling would be a start I guess but if you're not compatible on this front then perhaps it's best to go separate ways?

32 is so young please try counselling but if it doesn't work consider finding someone else!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 10:13

Mylovelygreendress · 17/08/2023 09:55

I am still shocked by your “ trying his luck” comment . We are talking about your husband not some guy you have just met in a pub .
Did you deliberately choose accommodation that would make sex difficult or impossible?
Like the majority of posters I find your selfishness and lack of concern for your husband truly disturbing.

Yes, I agree. Like he wants her to do a dirty annoying chore like take the bins out on his night or change a dirty nappy when it's his turn

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 10:15

Op when I'm not in the mood or on my period, I would normally give my partner a blow job or hand job or encourage kissing while he sorts himself out manually. Do all of these options disgust you? If not then that could be things to try to that you can still connect sexually without you feeling you need to agree to be penetrated against your will

ilovetomatosoup · 17/08/2023 10:19

She doesn't have to want to have sex, she's allowed to be asexual (which it sounds like).

yes, she is allowed to be asexual but she is not allowed to imply her husband needs therapy and help for having a normal sex drive, which is just an ego boosting problem. Most men (&women ) feel more confident with an active (& consensual) sex life, it makes them feel wanted & desired. Seriously the only thing she has not considered yet is castration so she can clean the kitchen without concerning herself at all with her husbands happiness.

nonmerci99 · 17/08/2023 10:39

Absolutely flabbergasted by the selfishness of OP, especially having read all of her posts. The repeated references that having sex is an ego boost the husband should move beyond or grow past are particularly disturbing.

OP, perhaps you are asexual, and you simply don’t understand how important intimacy is in most monogamous relationships. If so, it is you who should be in therapy to work this out, not your husband.

You need to let this man go — your marriage sounds incredibly depressing, and he absolutely deserves better than the close friendship you offer. Especially at 38 years old.

Tbh, part of me thinks this post can’t possibly be real, because it’s so OTT and so incredibly unreasonable.

Sueveneers · 17/08/2023 10:41

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 09:45

She did answer it. They live in a village and chins will wag so it’s a no.

Show quote history

That doesn't mean he has to only date in the village. He can go on dates outside of it so no one would know, so her argument doesn't make any sense.

bridgetreilly · 17/08/2023 10:45

OP, I think you have a fundamentally skewed view of relationships. Do you not want the husband you love to be happy? To enjoy his life? To do things that please him, to show that you care about his needs and wants? Because he clearly seems to understand this and you are just taking advantage of him.

astarsheis · 17/08/2023 10:46

Sex is important to both ME and my husband and we've been married nearly 40 years and have managed to do it whilst raising DC. It's part of our relationship, our closeness and our wellbeing.
I think you are very selfish and should let him find a new partner who appreciates that he will want a sexual relationship and have sex more than a couple of times a year.

GoodNightsSleep · 17/08/2023 10:56

The more OP articulates her views the more I’m inclined to join the PPs above suggesting that some form of ASD or other spectrum may be involved. There appears to be a complete lack of empathy towards her partner and ignoring the the vast majority of responses above, only responding to the isolated response that she takes as justification of her view.

She accepts only her entrenched position and does not attempt to understand someone else’s feelings, emotions or needs. People with Asperger’s for example typically display a lower level of empathy than neurotypical people. Not saying that this is the case here but it would help explain the OP’s lack of understanding or acceptance of her partner’s position.

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 11:28

Sueveneers · 17/08/2023 10:41

That doesn't mean he has to only date in the village. He can go on dates outside of it so no one would know, so her argument doesn't make any sense.

Show quote history

It’s consistent with it all being about her.

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/08/2023 14:17

Sueveneers · 17/08/2023 10:41

That doesn't mean he has to only date in the village. He can go on dates outside of it so no one would know, so her argument doesn't make any sense.

Show quote history

@Deedeeraaraa

yeah he could see someone outside of your village OP

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 14:54

LovelyJubbly12345 · 17/08/2023 07:20

As a woman of 53, with a high sex drive, I find it utterly mind blowing, that there are people roaming this earth that are seemingly dead below the waist. And that they don't want to get to the doctors and see what the problem is. Even when their marriage (and life as they know it) depends on it.

This isn't right, and you do need to see a doctor. For your own sake and for the sake of your marriage.

You can bury your head in the sand, but there is no chance on earth, that a 38 year old man, with a normal sex drive, is going to hang around indefinitely waiting for sexual crumbs, from someone who would rather clean the kitchen floor than have sex with him.

This issue won't go away. You don't have years to mess about. Even if he is truly decent and doesn't seek out an affair, I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that an affair will find him : Christmas party, night outs, attractive woman pays him attention and he hasn't had sex in years.....Bam. I've seen this play out many times. This is how this is going to go, if you don't seek help.

Of course, this might be your preferred outcome - single and with no pressure to have sex with anyone - that's fine - but at least open your eyes and see what's coming down the track, because your DH won't be with you in 10 years time if this trajectory continues - let's at least be real.

How on earth can you get to 53 and have your mind blown that some people are dead below the waist?
It's a fact of life that plenty don't enjoy sex or have a libido.

Again, how on earth can you get to 53 and be shocked that people won't go to the doctor about it even though their marriage could depend on it, considering people let marriages die every day rather than get help or support for their problems.

You said you've seen affairs play out many times when a man hasn't had sex in years 🤔but yet are still mind blown at 53 when you find out some people have no libido?

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 15:02

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 07:47

You don’t seem to understand empathy, it requires an understanding of another persons emotional state. She is aware he id dissatisfied because he has expressed this directly. She doesn’t understand the dissatisfaction or what is driving it. She is told about one effect and assumed that the issue can be removed by therapy to “improve self-esteem.”
As someone else put it:
“It does sound a little like trying to explain sex to an android.”

This is not the normal reaction to a dead bedroom. Normally the partner who has lost interest can understand the multiple feeling the other person has but can’t put themselves act in a way to directly address them. In this case she can’t understand the issue at all. Those suggesting it is cruelty are probably misunderstanding what is likely going on. But you are just doing the opposite, which is also not helpful.

She doesn’t understand the needs of people in a normal relationship so appears to lack the ability to communicate to him the reality of the situation, because she doesn’t understand the effect on his side. She is very obviously giving very weird mixed signals and if there is no underlying issue she is an abusive gas-lighter (telling him she loves him and wants to stay married but also he is defective for wanting a normal sex life). It more likely she is undiagnosed and would benefit from that. When they separate it will make sense to him that she was not an evil person but simply couldn’t understand what he needed to know, so communicated the wrong information.

Show quote history

I do understand it and within the context of a problematic dead bedroom the OPs response is entirely normal and pretty much in line with the most common one that I have read.

In this particular situation the partner without the libido will empathise as much as possible, but they are also trying to protect themselves from unwanted sex so they generally only go so far with the empathy........when they do feel it more they often give in and have duty sex, which can have catastrophic consequences and create or worsen a sexual aversion.

Likewise on the other side of this you will see the people who want sex, who will say they understand that their partner doesn't want it.....but they can't empathise fully and understand exactly what unwanted sex feels like....it's like their brain won't go there because it's so painful. They get close sometimes such as saying what the OP said about it feeling like he was abusing her......but then they try again, or they want their partner to try to make it feel not abusive.

So the entire experience on both sides for most tends to have empathy to a point but then defence mechanisms kick in, defensiveness, denial, minimising and that's a fairly universal experience. No therapist who dealt with this would be shocked or think that there was something peculiar about the OP compared to others with no libido.

K8ate · 17/08/2023 15:40

He clearly seems to desire you and has made a lot of reasonable effort - that you almost always brush aside.
You yourself say that you love each other so he clearly does love you.
I wouldn’t for one second blame him if he had his head turned by someone else. You should bare this in mind……..

nameitagain · 17/08/2023 16:05

@Deedeeraaraa OP - you and your DH sound in a massive rut, he’s entrenched in his ‘I want sex’ and you in your ‘I’ll never want sex’. I think both of you massively miss the point.

Sex is not going to happen in that stale space of trying to ‘put it there’ or ‘ignore it’. You both need to back off and just get back to intimacy. Forget about sex. Your DH should hold back completely from trying to have sex, and you should stop trying not to.

Go away for the weekend with zero pressure to have sex. Go to bed when the kids are out, but with zero pressure to have sex. Just do more intimate things with each other and stop thinking about it. But not just holding hands, flirt a bit, because you can why not, there’s no pressure of sex to stop you.

Thank you.

This sounds like good, constructive and considered advice.

I think you've misunderstood by his advice is how to rediscover intimacy so that you can rekindle the romance that will lead to sexual relations. I fear you have read it as a suggestion that ends at the holding hands but

nameitagain · 17/08/2023 16:08

OP have you told your dh explicitly that you never want to have sex again? If you did make this abundantly clear to him, what do you think his reaction would be. I think you need to make this clear to him. I believe he loves you but with the hope that there will be physical relations. I think if he knew the raw truth that you never ever want to have sex, you might just set him free to actually choose what he wants

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 17/08/2023 16:11

Your complete lack of empathy towards your poor husband and total self-absorption is disgusting. I really hope he can find the strength to leave, and the sooner the better for his own sanity.

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 16:21

Everyone seems to be ignoring that she ALWAYS had a low libido right from the start, and was mostly into women, and they are infantilizing this man.

All this set him free stuff. I wouldn't be waiting around in a relationship waiting to be 'set free'. I'd end it myself if my partner didn't want to sleep with me. I also wouldn't marry a bisexual man (who preferred men) and who had a very libido to begin with.

JohnnyYenSetHimselfOnFireAgain · 17/08/2023 16:28

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 16:21

Everyone seems to be ignoring that she ALWAYS had a low libido right from the start, and was mostly into women, and they are infantilizing this man.

All this set him free stuff. I wouldn't be waiting around in a relationship waiting to be 'set free'. I'd end it myself if my partner didn't want to sleep with me. I also wouldn't marry a bisexual man (who preferred men) and who had a very libido to begin with.

Well, hopefully the poor husband will find the strength to leave as soon as possible and find someone who would much rather be intimate with him than doing the Hoovering. 🙄

Shoxfordian · 17/08/2023 16:41

I really don’t think it was fair to marry him knowing you liked women more and that you didn’t want to have frequent sex - if you split up then he can find someone who does want sex with him and be happier - you can achieve your aim of never having sex again so it’s a win win

Mummy08m · 17/08/2023 16:44

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 16:21

Everyone seems to be ignoring that she ALWAYS had a low libido right from the start, and was mostly into women, and they are infantilizing this man.

All this set him free stuff. I wouldn't be waiting around in a relationship waiting to be 'set free'. I'd end it myself if my partner didn't want to sleep with me. I also wouldn't marry a bisexual man (who preferred men) and who had a very libido to begin with.

But they did used to DTD more often. And op is stringing him along with specific conditions eg "not when the kids are home" which is leading him to believe if he only fixes these things then all will be well. Finally she sends him to therapy for wanting sex, makes him believe he's got low self esteem, needs ego boosts etc.

It's not infantalising him to say he's in an emotionally abusive relationship and is bring lied to so routinely that it amounts to gaslighting.

It's not easy to "just leave" an abusive relationship

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