Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 17/08/2023 08:24

Threenow · 17/08/2023 08:19

You're still not getting it. I can't believe that you think he should have therapy to make him not want sex. As for having sex then the kids are home - the human race would have died out long ago if no-one had sex when their kids were around. Honestly, you sound very odd and your DH would be better off leaving the (sham) marriage and finding someone more compatible to spend the rest of his life with.

Show quote history

@Deedeeraaraa

this OP 👆

Comedycook · 17/08/2023 08:25

Op...if you don't want to have sex that is absolutely your right.

However I am incredibly shocked by your attitude. Your poor husband. Therapy to take away his normal human need? Like I said, it's your right to not have sex but I think you need to come to terms with the fact that there is actually nothing fundamentally wrong with a man in his thirties having a sex drive and wanting to have sex with his wife. It's your attitude which is the outlier here not his.

paddleboarder12 · 17/08/2023 08:25

OP how would you feel if he announces he’s found someone who does want to have sex with him and seems very attracted to him and he’s leaving you?

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 08:35

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 00:59

So you always had a low libido from the very start? but he would ask all the time anyway?

Show quote history

Yes

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 17/08/2023 08:35

Oh op. Your dh is only "persistent" because you fob him off with strange excuses instead of being honest - you think sexual desire is a disease.

He suggests sex at home. Your response: the kids might hear.

He tries when the kids are out. Your response: you have to clean the kitchen.

He suggests a holiday. Your response: get a studio room shared with the kids (!) and/or ture yourself out sightseeing.

Op, he's doing these things in response to what you say. He's trying to address what you are asking him to address! Which us fruitless because your excuses are lies, the truth is that you think sexual desire is "outdated", and a weakness in people with "low self esteem"....!

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 08:36

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 08:15

Thank you. I'm glad somebody understood what I meant.

He has had therapy and subsequently did become less persistent in trying for sex. I don't know if he spoke to his therapist about this issue or if he also realised how uncomfortable it is knowing the kids would be able to hear us but he stopped trying to initiate sex as much when the kids were home then.

Therapy was good for him and made him feel better about himself (it was also his idea)
If a side effect of him having therapy is that he no longer needs sex to feel good about himself that is just a bonus.

Show quote history

You are so far off. A sex drive is normal. Amazing. Fine. Wonderful. It’s not a bad thing.

Would you be ok with him shaming you? Forcing you? Because that is what you’re doing.

It’s so gross.

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 08:38

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 08:23

Thank you.

I've tried my best not to get emotional with these posts and give an account that's very fair and unjudgmental towards my husband. It seems like this makes people think I'm autistic but nevermind.
Maybe later I'll post a more emotional version of events.

Show quote history

That’s not why. They think it because of your completely inability to see it from his perspective. The total lack of empathy. Rigid thinking. Inability to see the bigger picture. All challenges that can be consistent with autism.

Missey85 · 17/08/2023 08:38

YABU why are you even with him? You don't want sex that's fine but let him go if he does

Mummy08m · 17/08/2023 08:45

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 08:38

That’s not why. They think it because of your completely inability to see it from his perspective. The total lack of empathy. Rigid thinking. Inability to see the bigger picture. All challenges that can be consistent with autism.

Show quote history

Yes - but not just inability to see her dh's perspective. Inability to see anyone's perspective - the vast, vast majority of adults want sex the way dh does.

Op do you honestly think that everyone who wants/enjoys sex has low self esteem? The vast majority of adults on the planet? Because you come across as thinking yourself superior, above him (and the majority of people), in not needing sex.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong with op. But there's certainly nothing wrong with the dh either, he sounds like a totally ordinary nice bloke. Whereas op is continually trying to cure him and using awful judgemental phrases like "trying his luck" when he's trying to initiate sex in a respectful and responsive way

DeeDeeDi1 · 17/08/2023 08:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 08:53

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 08:23

Thank you.

I've tried my best not to get emotional with these posts and give an account that's very fair and unjudgmental towards my husband. It seems like this makes people think I'm autistic but nevermind.
Maybe later I'll post a more emotional version of events.

Show quote history

ASD is one of a number of conditions that could explain your in ability to empathise. I appreciate you don’t understand that if you think you being emotional would show you don’t have it. The alternative to your having some kind of clinical situation where you can’t understand is the more generous interpretation.

You may be a selfish abusive wife who has spent years gas lighting your husband to believe a normal sex drive is a failing in him that he can remove through therapy. All whilst simultaneously sending him mixed signals that you love him and what to stay married, don’t want him getting sex anywhere else and constructing fake reasons why you won’t have sex that he tries to address.

I imagine that it is the former as that seems more likely, but if it is the latter I really hope he escapes you really soon and goes no contact once the children are adults with no further need for communication.

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/08/2023 08:54

This is going right around the houses. The fact is you are sexually incompatible - he has a sex drive and want sex with someone he loves, you don't. Neither of you are wrong, and therefore attempting to make one person change the way the view things is not going to work as you are asking someone to compromise an important part of themselves.
Either there is shared compromise (and that means BOTH of you..!) or you have to admit this doesn't work. You may think he just needs to accept your relationship without sex, but to many of us that is a real dealbreaker and I would leave, loving sex with my DP really is THAT important to me.

I think you really need to give this some hard thought.

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/08/2023 08:55

Just to clarify - I love my DP as much as it is possible to love someone. I adore him. But if he didn't want sex I would rather be without him than in a sexless relationship with him as for me it would simply be too painful to not have that connection.

OrlandointheWilderness · 17/08/2023 08:57

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

I think you need your own thread.

And yes, you would be daft to go anywhere with him, and tbh daft to continue a relationship with someone like him. Which you already know.

Topzablue · 17/08/2023 09:14

All I'm reading here is:

He is caring to me and loves me and makes me safe.... so basically he meets all of my needs.

But when it comes to his it must be dismissed because its not what you want.

Why are your needs so important over your partners? Since when did you get to decide on such an imbalance.

Have you ever asked him how you are making HIM feel? Maybe he isn't feeling loved by you or cared for, or insecure or feeling low in his self estem.

Just because you don't understand why people want sex doesn't mean it doesn't affect people at all. It doesn't make him a pest for wanting to feel a deep romantic connection with his wife.

You both are clearly very sexually incompatible and if sex is that important to him he will either RESENT you for the rest of your marriage or go and get it elsewhere. You can't avoid that just by not allowing an open marriage.

On reddit there is a forum called Deadbedrooms. I highly suggest you read it to gain some perspective to the other side of things here op because it's not you not wanting to have sex but it's your selfish stand point on all of this that isn't right and your dp will suffer for it. Go and read all those broken people out there that are seeking a connection and validation that you deem unimportant and realise how inadequate that makes them feel as a person. Then maybe find some compromise or middle grounding to this for your husbands sake. I'm sure he didn't sign up to a lifetime sexless marriage and you need to be seen to be hearing and understand him rather than dismissing him and trumping your needs over his.

How would you feel if one day all the hand holding and little goodbye and hello kisses stopped one day? Because it very much may out of pure resentment. Then you will both be living a stale cold loveless relationship. Think about that.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 09:27

I would have said your husband wrote the same post last week except they were both 50 year olds - try and find it from the man's perspective!

First of all, do you want to stay in the relationship or leave him for a woman? You can leave if you want, he sounds like a good guy who'd have no trouble finding someone else who actually is attracted to him.

You've done a dishonest thing marrying someone you're unattracted to.

IF you want to try and make it work, then do you want to reignite the sex life? If that's an option you'll consider, Please read up on women's labido. Although it feels like we should wait till we get turned on, women often have more reactive than proactive sex drives (we usually don't wake up with a boner like men do, we get tuned on my touch or charm or excitement and romance etc). Also I think that scheduling is a good idea. Did you have more sex when you're dating? What do you think a date is other than pre scheduled romance time. You have your getting ready rituals, you have fun together and connect focusing on each other, you don't worry about work or bills or chores for that evening- of course you're in the mood for sex! And of course you can't do that every night or you'll be so tired and your life admin will fall apart. Your attitude sounds like you won't even try that. I feel for your husband.

If you are certain that you don't want sex with him any more, let him know what you can offer him. Companionship? Friendship? Can you offer him these outside of a marriage? Would you give him your blessing to seek a new sexual partner elsewhere ( I think you should tbh).

I think the kindest bravest thing to do is leave him and set him free. That's what I would want for a man that I care about.

scoobysnaxx · 17/08/2023 09:29

@Topzablue 100% agree. Spot on.

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 09:32

Topzablue · 17/08/2023 09:14

All I'm reading here is:

He is caring to me and loves me and makes me safe.... so basically he meets all of my needs.

But when it comes to his it must be dismissed because its not what you want.

Why are your needs so important over your partners? Since when did you get to decide on such an imbalance.

Have you ever asked him how you are making HIM feel? Maybe he isn't feeling loved by you or cared for, or insecure or feeling low in his self estem.

Just because you don't understand why people want sex doesn't mean it doesn't affect people at all. It doesn't make him a pest for wanting to feel a deep romantic connection with his wife.

You both are clearly very sexually incompatible and if sex is that important to him he will either RESENT you for the rest of your marriage or go and get it elsewhere. You can't avoid that just by not allowing an open marriage.

On reddit there is a forum called Deadbedrooms. I highly suggest you read it to gain some perspective to the other side of things here op because it's not you not wanting to have sex but it's your selfish stand point on all of this that isn't right and your dp will suffer for it. Go and read all those broken people out there that are seeking a connection and validation that you deem unimportant and realise how inadequate that makes them feel as a person. Then maybe find some compromise or middle grounding to this for your husbands sake. I'm sure he didn't sign up to a lifetime sexless marriage and you need to be seen to be hearing and understand him rather than dismissing him and trumping your needs over his.

How would you feel if one day all the hand holding and little goodbye and hello kisses stopped one day? Because it very much may out of pure resentment. Then you will both be living a stale cold loveless relationship. Think about that.

You nailed it but the OP won’t get it.

Sueveneers · 17/08/2023 09:36

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 08:15

Thank you. I'm glad somebody understood what I meant.

He has had therapy and subsequently did become less persistent in trying for sex. I don't know if he spoke to his therapist about this issue or if he also realised how uncomfortable it is knowing the kids would be able to hear us but he stopped trying to initiate sex as much when the kids were home then.

Therapy was good for him and made him feel better about himself (it was also his idea)
If a side effect of him having therapy is that he no longer needs sex to feel good about himself that is just a bonus.

Show quote history

What you don't understand is that therapy for him will be the reverse of what you want. Higher self esteem leads to men wanting sex MORE. Not less.

Whattodo112222 · 17/08/2023 09:39

OP - Please can you answer the question regarding if you'd be willing to open up your marriage and let your husband get his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere? Forced celibacy is one thing but then refusing to let him go is incredibly selfish I think. All I read in each comment is relative to your needs and not his.
The fact he's stopped trying because he feels like he's abusing you when you're not interested says a lot - he has a lot of emotional intelligence and empathy and is being respectful to your needs and wants but you're not being to his. Marriage is a partnership and you're also refusing counselling on the basis YOU are happy which says a lot about you.

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 09:45

Whattodo112222 · 17/08/2023 09:39

OP - Please can you answer the question regarding if you'd be willing to open up your marriage and let your husband get his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere? Forced celibacy is one thing but then refusing to let him go is incredibly selfish I think. All I read in each comment is relative to your needs and not his.
The fact he's stopped trying because he feels like he's abusing you when you're not interested says a lot - he has a lot of emotional intelligence and empathy and is being respectful to your needs and wants but you're not being to his. Marriage is a partnership and you're also refusing counselling on the basis YOU are happy which says a lot about you.

She did answer it. They live in a village and chins will wag so it’s a no.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 09:49

Have read your updates op - you can still do family days out and show each other nice things as coparent friends if you set this man free and romantically separate. But not if this situation escalates into resentment or affairs and you fall out. You're a potentially biromantic asexual, he has a healthy sex drive there IF you love him you won't condemn him to a life of celibacy just so that you have some company on your days out.

He is probably staying out of love and duty (you met young and he may have Stockholm syndrome) but he can still love you and care about you and support you as a friend IF you show him kindness honesty and respect. He is probably scared leaving would make him a sex pest bastard. If he meets a nice woman at work etc he will be painted as a horrible approaching middle age guy doing 'the script' but tbh I hope he does - he doesn't sound selfish enough though so I think you have to let him go and set him free.

If you free him and meets a 'sex on tap' woman (which is relatively normal - I would definitely date someone like your husband, he sounds kind and I'm lovely not some sort of villain) she will need to understand that he comes with children and an ex wife that he is now close friends with and still cares about her well-being etc. maybe you can even all do family Christmas etc. it's selfish to keep him in a situation he's not happy in.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 09:51

Is during COVID I went on a date with a guy in kind of the situation I describe and he had after doing lockdown as a family formally separated and got his own flat. He was nice but it weirded me out that he still called her his wife, he was clearly still emotionally attached to her and their lives even though he was looking for new romance. So don't be scared that he'll forget all about you when he starts dating he will probably still feel the most loyal to you and your family and kids.

Whattodo112222 · 17/08/2023 09:52

Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 00:14

We hug and give each other a kiss before either of us leaves the house, and before he goes to bed (he goes to bed much earlier than I do)
We'll hold hands or link arms when where out walking.

I'd be terrified of opening up the marriage in case he decided suddenly being able to have sex on tap was more important than our marriage. Also, again a side point that is likely to be jumped upon as important but, we live in a very small town and so I'm not sure what option there would be for that. Certainly not without the stigma of "he's cheating on his wife" or "there goes the swingers"

Show quote history

Ah yes, apologies I did miss that.
But OP - you do realise this isn't ALL about you and not EVERYTHING is your decision. You can't really do anything if he wants to open up the marriage except divorce him! does he not get some say at all in anything?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 17/08/2023 09:54

'They live in a village' so don't date anyone in that village do it in the next town - simple

Swipe left for the next trending thread