Husbands and sex

[Deedeeraaraa]

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

Op I think it’s nice you want him to develop his self esteem but every single person in the world would also feel rejected and rubbish about themselves if their wife/ husband didn’t want to have sex with them and told them they weren’t attracted to them.

You want him to see that marriage is more than sex and you’re right, You need to be partners and friends. However, your posts read as if you actually don’t like him and find him clingy and annoying.

You want him to be okay with a sexless marriage and understand your point of view but you’re feeling to see how point of view and not understanding his feelings. You cannot ask that of someone, especially someone who clearly deeply loves you and wants to make this work.

Yes lots of people have said to end the marriage and I partly do agree. You’re holding onto a marriage due to a friendship and being afraid to lose him and that’s okay but you are holding him back from being his true self and being happy. This marriage feels very much about what you want, not about what both of you want. Most marriages go through the roommate stage and that’s really hard, you need the love, respect and Friendship to get through it but you’re not willing to try understand what’s causing you to feel like this. You’re happy to remain as lovely roommates and that’s not fair on him.

(I think he was hoping to try his luck but obviously couldn't sharing a room with the kids)

just accept you are sabotaging your dh valiant efforts to try and have sex with you. Sex is not an ego boost-it is a physical need which majority of people need.

You need to try and meet him on this otherwise you are married to a friend and not a husband- who at 38 will eventually go elsewhere.

Everything you’ve written seems hugely selfish with no thought about how if actually feels to want intimacy with someone you love and to be rejected constantly. It’s not an ego boost, it’s part of a loving intimate marriage. I would massively struggle if I was in your husbands position and it sounds like you do not want to work on yourself or the relationship to improve matters. Think you should let him go to find a real fulfilling relationship elsewhere as this isn’t fair on him.

This

I don't think he needs therapy OP.

It's normal to want a sexually intimate relationship with a romantic partner and it's normal to feel good after sex.

The fact you seem to think of it as an ego boost to him, something he needs therapy for, and equate having a typical sex drive as a sign of low self esteem that needs therapy comes across as a bit gaslight-y.

I would end the marriage before it turns toxic, his sex drive isn't going anywhere, it can't be therapised away or dismissed. You don't feel the need to explore your own sex drive. At 38 there's a decent chance he'll either end the marriage himself or seek intimacy elsewhere. If not, he'll end up in a lot of pain. You'll end up feeling like he's a badgering sex pest.

Ending it before it goes thoroughly down the pan means you could remain cordial, good Co-parents and supportive friends

As a woman of 53, with a high sex drive, I find it utterly mind blowing, that there are people roaming this earth that are seemingly dead below the waist. And that they don't want to get to the doctors and see what the problem is. Even when their marriage (and life as they know it) depends on it.

This isn't right, and you do need to see a doctor. For your own sake and for the sake of your marriage.

You can bury your head in the sand, but there is no chance on earth, that a 38 year old man, with a normal sex drive, is going to hang around indefinitely waiting for sexual crumbs, from someone who would rather clean the kitchen floor than have sex with him.

This issue won't go away. You don't have years to mess about. Even if he is truly decent and doesn't seek out an affair, I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that an affair will find him : Christmas party, night outs, attractive woman pays him attention and he hasn't had sex in years.....Bam. I've seen this play out many times. This is how this is going to go, if you don't seek help.

Of course, this might be your preferred outcome - single and with no pressure to have sex with anyone - that's fine - but at least open your eyes and see what's coming down the track, because your DH won't be with you in 10 years time if this trajectory continues - let's at least be real.

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him

And dear Lord, I hope you haven't actually said this to him. How cruel can you get?

Honestly op your delusional if you think therapy will stop he desire for sex if anything he will or has grown the confidence to find someone else to sleep with. Very few men will stay faithful in a relationship with has a dead bedroom.

Sex isn’t an ego boost in a secure relationship it’s a deep connection.

His new found confidence and possible other women would certainly be an ego boost from the lack of anything at home however and that’s risky business.

You got what you wanted. Babies and a secure life while he gets painted as a weirdo for daring to want a normal sex life.

But the OP would likely be as baffled by your high sex drive and I think your comments are unfair.

I don't think she needs to see her GP or get therapy unless she wants to. She doesn't have to want to have sex, she's allowed to be asexual (which it sounds like).

What she can't do is force her husband into a sexless relationship he doesn't want any more than he can force her to want sex with him/at all.

So it does need a conversation about where they go from here but that doesn't mean either person is going to get what they want.

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?

bluntly you can’t

he’s never going to stop wanting this and nor should he

Now will it be better if you split ? Probably not

this idea that easy great sex relationships are easy to find makes me laugh ! Sex is easy to get
the rest is tricky AF

You have many options , all tricky

open up the marriage

start wanking again to re engage your sensuality and try and make space for more sex

split and co parent

but living like this is not fair on either of you

You don’t seem to understand empathy, it requires an understanding of another persons emotional state. She is aware he id dissatisfied because he has expressed this directly. She doesn’t understand the dissatisfaction or what is driving it. She is told about one effect and assumed that the issue can be removed by therapy to “improve self-esteem.”
As someone else put it:
“It does sound a little like trying to explain sex to an android.”

This is not the normal reaction to a dead bedroom. Normally the partner who has lost interest can understand the multiple feeling the other person has but can’t put themselves act in a way to directly address them. In this case she can’t understand the issue at all. Those suggesting it is cruelty are probably misunderstanding what is likely going on. But you are just doing the opposite, which is also not helpful.

She doesn’t understand the needs of people in a normal relationship so appears to lack the ability to communicate to him the reality of the situation, because she doesn’t understand the effect on his side. She is very obviously giving very weird mixed signals and if there is no underlying issue she is an abusive gas-lighter (telling him she loves him and wants to stay married but also he is defective for wanting a normal sex life). It more likely she is undiagnosed and would benefit from that. When they separate it will make sense to him that she was not an evil person but simply couldn’t understand what he needed to know, so communicated the wrong information.

No it isn’t. Because you basically never feel like it and are dismissing his needs that are perfectly normal. It’s fine to not want sex. It’s not fine to hold him hostage. You aren’t compatible.

Lets get the basics out to of the way. If someone is neuro-divergent we don’t call them “mental.” Even 30 years ago if someone struggled socially due to ASD and you started calling them “mental” you would have been given short shrift. I suggest you don’t do so today.

You also don’t understand empathy. It is the ability to understand others reactions and point of view. Often requiring an understanding of other people’s emotional reactions to situations. As others described the OP:
“It does sound a little like trying to explain sex to an android.”

You appear to be confusing the issue of being unable to empathise (which can be caused by a number of conditions) with someone losing sympathy. These are quite different. It doesn’t help those effected to make the confusion. The person who can’t empathise isn’t able to communicate what needs to be communicated for the other person to make an informed decision.

It is possible that she has what you described in your second post as “some sort of disorder” the type of thing that would make someone a manipulative character that some on here have interpreted her behaviour as, however you should also not assume that she has one of those either. The point is that a professional would be able to judge why she can’t understand normal sexual desire in a partner, or why her response to it could be counter productive to her and open to be regarded as abusive by others.

Hold on. You’re way off. Being a sexual is fine. The issue here isn’t her lack sex drive. It’s forcing it on him and trying to gaslight him into thinking he’s a problem.

Thank you. I'm glad somebody understood what I meant.

He has had therapy and subsequently did become less persistent in trying for sex. I don't know if he spoke to his therapist about this issue or if he also realised how uncomfortable it is knowing the kids would be able to hear us but he stopped trying to initiate sex as much when the kids were home then.

Therapy was good for him and made him feel better about himself (it was also his idea)
If a side effect of him having therapy is that he no longer needs sex to feel good about himself that is just a bonus.

I actually feel bad for him. It’s important to him. Sex every 6 months isn’t good enough. Sounds like he’s making all the effort and you are making absolutely none. End it and let him find someone who will give a shit about his wants and needs.

If you want him to do more therapy to raise his self esteem and accept a celibate marriage surely you need to be honest with him about this? Is he fully aware of your position? Because the fact he keeps trying sounds like he isn’t?

You need to be honest with him. What would happen if he saw this thread for example? Have you told him your feelings directly as you i’ve stated them here?

You are under zero obligation to have sex if you don’t want to. But is he able to make an informed decision about this? Because it sounds like he thinks if he tries hard enough things will change. If you love him surely you would not want to deceive him in that way when you know they won’t?

Tell him everything and let him choose if he can accept it or not. He can’t accept something if he doesn’t know what that offer is.

@Deedeeraaraa

it would mean maybe coming back to the hotel like maybe an hour earlier than you usually would so still plenty of time for you to be out and about
and when you say “we want to enjoy it while we can” - given what you’ve said, I think your husband would enjoy the trip even more if it included a shag don’t you think?

I think YABU. He’s allowed to want sex, and it is important to him, you can’t diminish that.
It’s either split, or you need to find a way forward. I’d consider couple counselling. And read about responsive desire - it’s common to only feel like sex once you’ve ‘started’ especially in a long term relationship. I’d never suggest having sex when you don’t want to, but it’s common to enjoy it once it’s started, rather than feeling like it in advance.

You're still not getting it. I can't believe that you think he should have therapy to make him not want sex. As for having sex then the kids are home - the human race would have died out long ago if no-one had sex when their kids were around. Honestly, you sound very odd and your DH would be better off leaving the (sham) marriage and finding someone more compatible to spend the rest of his life with.

@Deedeeraaraa your insistence in framing his sexual desires as some sort of self esteem or ego massaging issue is odd.

I don't think you can be expected to understand desire because you don't experience it but please stop with that narrative as it's pretty insulting.

i find it very weird that ‘fixing’ him the solution, eg to stop him wanting sex? Surely you need to work together to find a solution that works for you both.

The reason he stopped is because his therapist thought him his flogging a dead horse with regards to sex with you. He gave up that’s all. Doesn’t mean his happy without sex smh.

Thank you.

I've tried my best not to get emotional with these posts and give an account that's very fair and unjudgmental towards my husband. It seems like this makes people think I'm autistic but nevermind.
Maybe later I'll post a more emotional version of events.