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Original poster

Husbands and sex

726 replies

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 18:01

I (40f) have a far lower sex drive compared to my husband of 15 years (38m)

We would have sex maybe once a month or once every 2 months (even then my husband wanted it closer to weekly or a couple of nights in a row)
But as the kids have got older things have slowed down.

We do still have sex occasionally (last time was in February) but I'd not miss it if we never had sex again. He seems to be heartbroken by this though. As though it means I think less of him.
The truth is I've never found him all that attractive (he knew when we met that I prefer women) but he acts as though this is a big deal.

It's not only that I don't find him attractive, as I said, we do have sex and I do enjoy it when it happens, but I hate the idea of the kids (14f + 12m) hearing us. The walls are so thin in our house and our daughter's room is through the wall from ours'.
And, regardless of that, I go to bed because I'm tired. If I didn't need to sleep I wouldn't have gone to bed.

There are times during the day, when the kids are out, that he'll suggest we go to bed but I'm busy. When the kids are out I like to clean and tidy up properly, or even have half an hour of quiet time.

We have spoken about it and he suggested setting aside a time when we knew we'd be alone but he doesn't understand that's just not how my body works! I can't decide because it is Thursday evening I'm going to be horny.
Sometimes I need to see how my body reacts. If he suggests we go to bed I don't want to, but occasionally if he runs his hand and touches me instead, I sometimes get tingles and realise I do want to.

He's stopped trying all together at home lately. He says touching me when he doesn't know if I'm interested makes him feel like he's abusing me. Especially when I tell him I'm definitely not interested.

I've been away for several weekends this year too and every 5th or 6th trip he'll start to send flirty messages or photos of himself, and it really doesn't do anything for me. I'm polite and make the appropriate 😍 emojis but honestly it's cringy and a bit creepy.
I also know he wants us to sext or me to send photos back but that's really not my idea of fun.

Now he's also started looking for weekend trips away but, again, that's not how my body works. We cant just go away and suddenly I'm going to feel like having sex. Also, neither of us really have time or money to go away like that. Not to mention the cost. Or that if we did go, I'd want to see places and do things and would probably be too tired after that.
He's not booked anything but keeps bringing up how he's never been to city/town/area and how it'd be nice to visit it, "the two of us"

How do I make him realise that sex isn't important?
Or that it doesn't matter if somebody, or even nobody, finds him attractive.
I married him, he's a good husband and father, and he knows how much I love him.

Tl;Dr my husband has a higher sex drive than I do and I want to help him realise that sex isn't important when we really love each other.

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 17/08/2023 00:36

You just sound utterly selfish and self absorbed

CherryPieMadness · 17/08/2023 00:39

Sex isn’t something that can just be willed to happen, it’s a delicate thing.

OP - you and your DH sound in a massive rut, he’s entrenched in his ‘I want sex’ and you in your ‘I’ll never want sex’. I think both of you massively miss the point.

Sex is not going to happen in that stale space of trying to ‘put it there’ or ‘ignore it’. You both need to back off and just get back to intimacy. Forget about sex. Your DH should hold back completely from trying to have sex, and you should stop trying not to.

Go away for the weekend with zero pressure to have sex. Go to bed when the kids are out, but with zero pressure to have sex. Just do more intimate things with each other and stop thinking about it. But not just holding hands, flirt a bit, because you can why not, there’s no pressure of sex to stop you.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 00:39

Pallisers · 17/08/2023 00:06

I just think (and it seems to be the case) that if he feels better about himself we won't want sex as some sort of ego boost.

OP, you have a very disordered view of sex. Possibly because you are asexual so are trying to figure out why on earth adults want sex.

People want to have sex because it is enjoyable and pleasurable. And people in intimate relationships want it because it signifies and cements the deep intimacy of the relationship - which is why people get so upset when a partner is unfaithful. Wanting sex with the person you love is not seeking some sort of ego boost. I understand that this is like a foreign language for you but at least realise that your husband is speaking a different language (one that most of us speak).

you are being very very unfair to him wanting to have therapy or wanting to construct the perfect argument that will make a 38 year old not want sex. I'm way older than that and would be devastated if dh no longer wanted to have sex with me. And no, that is not the same as being unable to have sex - that is different.

Also what is with the "open marriage" suggestions? Why bring another woman into this awful dynamic? How would you even do that? "hi Liz, could we meet for dinner and sex some evening? I'm committed to staying with my wife but quite fancy a shag and she has given me permission?"

These are exactly my thoughts about approaching an open marriage.
Trying to invite another seems so so awkward.

I do understand that he's not actively seeking an ego boost by having sex, that's just a nice side effect for him. I sort of regret even mentioning that now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 00:43

JenWillsiam · 17/08/2023 00:14

Not having sex when you don’t feel like it is VERY different to this situation.

Show quote history

No, this is exactly the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 00:44

Pippy239 · 17/08/2023 00:15

I feel for both you.
I've been there done it, having kids killed my libido, it used to be quite high, DH had an affair and now we're splitting up.
If only I could turn back the clock and change my attitude towards sex & him and look after our marriage. Put that first before the kids.
Look up spontaneous versus responsive desire. Watch some Esther Perel YouTube videos. Tracey Cox the sex therapist lost her libido too, it happens to those who don't even expect it.
It may take a long long time but hopefully you will find a way to make your DH happy again and enjoy whatever intimacy you can together. I wish you well.

Thank you.
I'll look into these. That's really helpful advice.

OP posts:
SplendidUtterly · 17/08/2023 00:45

You're not physically attracted to him and prefer women
that's why you don't want a to have sex your husband OP.
But you say you told him this before you got married/had children and he was perfectly OK with this?

Then you are both at fault.
You need to have a talk with him and decide what's best for you, him and your children going forward.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
Deedeeraaraa · 17/08/2023 00:51

CherryPieMadness · 17/08/2023 00:39

Sex isn’t something that can just be willed to happen, it’s a delicate thing.

OP - you and your DH sound in a massive rut, he’s entrenched in his ‘I want sex’ and you in your ‘I’ll never want sex’. I think both of you massively miss the point.

Sex is not going to happen in that stale space of trying to ‘put it there’ or ‘ignore it’. You both need to back off and just get back to intimacy. Forget about sex. Your DH should hold back completely from trying to have sex, and you should stop trying not to.

Go away for the weekend with zero pressure to have sex. Go to bed when the kids are out, but with zero pressure to have sex. Just do more intimate things with each other and stop thinking about it. But not just holding hands, flirt a bit, because you can why not, there’s no pressure of sex to stop you.

Thank you.

This sounds like good, constructive and considered advice.

OP posts:
1Raisedeyebrow · 17/08/2023 00:53

@Deedeeraaraa I’m genuinely relieved you’ve found some useful advice from @Pippy239 . Some of the comments, suggestions and advice have been 🤨 and you’ve maintained yourself throughout whereas I’d have probably replied with something just as 🤨.

I too wish you well!

TeenLifeMum · 17/08/2023 00:56

I’d be devastated if dh told me he wasn’t attracted to me. What kind of life is that? You can be intimate without full sex if you don’t fancy that but nothing for 6 months would be something most people would struggle with.

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 00:58

Mummy08m · 16/08/2023 23:50

That is exactly my point. Op is saying her dh needs therapy for wanting to have sex with his wife. But I am saying no, what he wants is normal and healthy and a normal part of a healthy marriage. Op does not have a healthy marriage (I think I've said that three times on this thread now)

Show quote history

No, she wants him to have therapy, hoping that it will mean he'll be ok without sex. Just like often the person on the other side wants the partner to have therapy hoping that they will want to have sex. This flawed thinking is absolutely everywhere in these dead bedroom dynamics.

You're jumping on everything she said and twisting it.
This for example

Wow this is... a bit messed up. You want to cure him of having a normal healthy sexual attraction for his wife?!

After the OP said
I just think (and it seems to be the case) that if he feels better about himself we won't want sex as some sort of ego boost.

OP does not want to have sex. She is obviously hoping that the better he feels about himself that the less he will care about sex. I don't think she said anything about him being broken or ill or needed to be cured or fixed.

And either way the sexual attraction to his wife is not healthy when it's not returned. Physically maybe....but emotionally it's absolutely not healthy in any way.

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 00:59

Deedeeraaraa · 16/08/2023 23:49

Once or twice a month on average? Often we'd have sex one night and he'd want it again the next, and even the next.

Show quote history

So you always had a low libido from the very start? but he would ask all the time anyway?

luladebulachops · 17/08/2023 01:00

You've really put your husband in his place. The chore of sex is at the bottom of your to do list. Everything in your life, even the housework holds a higher position than him.

Threenow · 17/08/2023 01:03

Why did you marry him if you prefer women? You say you love him and wanted to spend your life with him but that usually does mean people have sex, it's a healthy part of a relationship and being close to your partner. Your husband sounds like a good man, and patient, but you are being very unfair to him. I feel sorry for him, you do seem to have rather an odd idea of marriage and sex.

maratara · 17/08/2023 01:11

I hope you have more empathy towards your children OP. Poor husband - just ask for a divorce and put him out of his misery.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 17/08/2023 01:12

FOJN · 16/08/2023 18:20

I think you are being quite selfish. He appears to be doing what he can to cultivate intimacy and you are rejecting his efforts at every turn.

No one is obliged to have sex they don't want but you can't just decide sex doesn't matter to you so it shouldn't matter to him. It does matter to him and I suspect that even if you tried to make an effort it would be half hearted because you don't really want sex.

I think you need to be honest with him and discuss how you separate amicably so you can co-parent your children. He deserves a fulfilling relationship and you deserve to be free of the pressure to have sex.

This. I certainly feel sorry for the poor man.

People can be friends and co-parents but if both don't agree that they want an asexual marriage, it's really unfair. He is being used and abused in my opinion.

SammyScrounge · 17/08/2023 01:30

Poor DH. He is only 38 and should be years away from giving up on a sex life. You cheated him out of an active sex life and a healthy relationship by marrying him when you didn't find him attractive.Poor sod!
Why did you marry him then?

I think you owe this man a great deal to compensate him for giving him a life so lacking in warmth. Really you should divorce him so that he can perhaps find a partner who will happily fulfill his needs and make him happier. You really do owe him that.

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 01:31

Thisistyresome · 17/08/2023 00:10

The "berating" isn't regarding the not having sex. People are responding too her in ability to empathise in any way with him. As if she cannot see him as a separate human being who will function differently from her. She is the standard and he is defective.

The point here is her responses are so extreme it is not likely to be normal selfishness it sounds like it needs a clinical diagnosis.

The marriage is obviously dead, but she probably also negatively impacting other relationships in her life and ought to know what the cause is (she also may not recognise that she is doing it).

Show quote history

The "berating" isn't regarding the not having sex. People are responding too her in ability to empathise in any way with him.

You must not understand empathy then. She quite clearly can empathise because she can see that this is hurting him. She just seems to want to find a way to make him feel better that doesn't involve having unwanted sex.

Also I think many of the posters criticising her for lack of empathy are in a pot, kettle black situation.
Look at the situation, she's a woman is was mostly into women, by the sounds of it sex was always infrequent even from early on...this was bound to happen.

If I married a bisexual man who preferred men and sex was infrequent from early on then I'd be stunned if we were having sex 15 years later.

I wouldn't marry someone who wasn't tearing my clothes off frequently, but when couples who are sexually incompatible get together and stay together anyway this is bound to happen. It doesn't make OP a bad person or a monster like some are making out.

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 01:34

SammyScrounge · 17/08/2023 01:30

Poor DH. He is only 38 and should be years away from giving up on a sex life. You cheated him out of an active sex life and a healthy relationship by marrying him when you didn't find him attractive.Poor sod!
Why did you marry him then?

I think you owe this man a great deal to compensate him for giving him a life so lacking in warmth. Really you should divorce him so that he can perhaps find a partner who will happily fulfill his needs and make him happier. You really do owe him that.

Did this man not have any agency?

She's mostly into women and sounds like sex was always infrequent, does he not have to take some responsibility for going ahead with this marriage? 🤔

If you're female, would you marry a man who was mostly into men and where the sex was infrequent?

MumGMT · 17/08/2023 01:49

also @Thisistyresome

The point here is her responses are so extreme it is not likely to be normal selfishness it sounds like it needs a clinical diagnosis.

That's nonsense. Her thoughts are normal within the context of a dead bedroom. Many people in her situation feel the same. They just wish their partner would stop caring so much and that they'd stop wanting sex.

And on the other side of the dynamic you have many people who wish their partner would just suddenly desire them and get angry that their partner doesn't try to show real desire.

The way people think in this situation is an effect of being in a dynamic like this.
It's nothing to do with clinical diagnosis or personality traits etc.
.

Fiery30 · 17/08/2023 03:38

I am sorry but the truth is you are selfish. Your husband is making an effort to bring romance back into your lives but you don't seem to care. It's not always about sex, it is being affectionate and tactile, spending quality time with each other. That increases attraction and makes the body responsive to physical touch. Your logic of 'my body does not work that way' makes no sense. No one is expecting you to be ready for sex all the time. Also, if your body and mind are never interested, you are clearly not into him. Then isnt it an indication that you are better off without each other? How can you even say that its ok if no one finds him attractive? That is so cold! Imagine finding out that your partner only stays with you because you are a good parent. What about the needs of being in a relationship? He totally deserves someone who actually cares and respects him as a person and lover. Don't make life miserable for either of you.

manchesterbreak · 17/08/2023 04:58

Not feeling attractive to your partner us a sad place to be.

It doesn't sound like anything will change because you never had the spark in the first place.

For you this works but for him it doesn't, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where I felt like sex wasn't wanted so I would leave.

You would probably want to consider he may leave you at some point.

Sueveneers · 17/08/2023 05:14

I think you are being very selfish. All you care about is yourself. You don't want sex, so think he shouldn't, either. Newsflash, men want - and need, sex. If you don't give it to him, he'll seek it elsewhere. So don't be surprised if/when that happens. I'd let him go if I were you. You are sexually incompatible. And that is a MAJOR issue in a marriage. And without sex, you're just housemates. It's wrong of you to keep him in a marriage he is not happy with. So either you consider his needs, and leave him. OR, you have an Open Marriage where he can get his needs met. Either way, you need to consider his needs, not just yourself.

Rafting2022 · 17/08/2023 05:32

Your lack of self-awareness is astounding.

kidsonthemoon · 17/08/2023 06:03

Op have you ever been diagnosed with ASD,?

Zanatdy · 17/08/2023 06:13

I feel sorry for your OP and I think it’s very unfair to continue the marriage when you’re not attracted to him. Of course you don’t want to have sex with someone you’re not attracted to, but let the poor guy go and find someone who does find him attractive so he can enjoy a normal healthy relationship. You’re making out something is wrong with him when he just wants to have sex with his wife. He’s suggesting these weekends to try and rekindle things, away from the kids etc. I actually feel really sorry for him, I hope he finds the strength to leave even if you won’t end it.