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Original poster

Bf hurt over party invite

81 replies

Champagneponies · 15/08/2023 23:18

My sister invited me to a party a long time ago, which I forgot about. It's this weekend.

She reminded me today - I said I would go.

Spoke to bf today who is working a few hours away this week. We had made no plans to see each other and had made the assumption he was working this weekend. We don't live together. I mention party and he's not bothered.
Later in conversation it arises who is going and my ex will be there.

Bf then asks why I didn't invite him. I say ofcourse he's invited but I forgot about it & have only just been reminded. He then says I don't want him to go.

I would LOVE him to come. My genuine angle was not to put pressure on him as he's working away and has lots of priorities right now. I would always prefer to spend my time with him anyway.

I tell him this, and try to reassure him.

He repeats that I don't want him there, and so I try and pursuade him to come. He then says he can't come anyway as he will in fact be busy.

He then ends conversation to go to bed.

Meanwhile I'm left feeling very guilty and weird that he felt I didn't want him there. Have I been really mean? Part of me wants to text him and try and encourage him to come. But another part of me is torn. Help!

OP posts:
howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 15/08/2023 23:21

He sounds very manipulative.

TiredArse · 15/08/2023 23:26

He needs to get a grip.

TheBeesKnee · 15/08/2023 23:31

I had a boyfriend who went to his sister's party where his ex was - he cheated on me. He said he was avoiding her all night and then eventually everyone had too much to drink and got chatting and reminiscing.

I was not a jealous or insecure person before this experience but now I definitely am.

So I can see where your boyfriend is coming from: it looks like you kept the party from him and your ex just HAPPENS to be invited while he's not.

That being said, does he have form for being clingy or not wanting you to do stuff by yourself?

Original poster
Champagneponies · 16/08/2023 00:17

@TheBeesKnee it's only looks that way from the perspective of someone who doesn't trust their partner. I would never cheat on him.. I'm obsessed with the guy!

He doesn't have form of being clingy but he has shown some signs of insecurity in the past. This must be connected to a previous trauma as I've never hurt or betrayed him.

I've reassured him, begged him to come. And in return he us accusing me of not wanting him there and then going cold on me. It doesn't feel very fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Champagneponies · 16/08/2023 00:25

Can anyone else give their thoughts? I don't know whether to pander to him on this or not.

OP posts:
Lonbarmos · 16/08/2023 00:31

How old are you both if you don't mind me asking? I'm a guy who would probably have been bothered by this at 20 / 21 but now in my 30s you mature, wise up, and have more self-confidence to the point where it wouldn't be an issue at all

CantThinkOfANameAtAll · 16/08/2023 00:36

Champagneponies · 16/08/2023 00:25

Can anyone else give their thoughts? I don't know whether to pander to him on this or not.

Good grief, no! You invited him, he said no. That's all you need to do. Anything else is guilt tripping and manipulation from him.

And actually you subconsciously know that. Look at your choice of word here, pander.

MrsO3 · 16/08/2023 00:38

Lonbarmos · 16/08/2023 00:31

How old are you both if you don't mind me asking? I'm a guy who would probably have been bothered by this at 20 / 21 but now in my 30s you mature, wise up, and have more self-confidence to the point where it wouldn't be an issue at all

This ☝️
Not to be horrible but this all sounds a little immature. You’ve “reassured him and begged him to come” but he’s actually busy and can’t come anyway and puts the phone down. All very ‘tit for tat’ and some jealousy/insecurity going on by the sounds of it

Original poster
Champagneponies · 16/08/2023 00:39

We're in our thirties. I felt really guilty that he felt that way, that's why I then tried to pursuade him to come.

OP posts:
SleepPrettyDarling · 16/08/2023 00:40

Why is your ex going to be there? Is that the source of the problem?

Original poster
Champagneponies · 16/08/2023 00:43

My ex is good friends with my sisters partner. All the same friendship circles.

OP posts:
Escapingafter50years · 16/08/2023 00:44

My narc "mother" often told me what I was thinking. She was always wrong. So obviously I am influenced by my own history, but I see red flags when I hear of someone deciding what another person is thinking.

I feel that a "normal" person should use their words, and maybe say something like "it feels to me as if you don't want me there". Saying "you don't want me to go" is concerning in my opinion.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 16/08/2023 00:44

How long have you been together?

Definitely don't pander to him! It's sets a precedent otherwise. Instead, reassure him and acknowledge his feelings. Don't dismiss but discuss. He has to understand that he needs to trust you and have confidence in the strength of your relationship. If he cannot trust you or is willing to try then frankly what is the point? You're relationship is effectively over. It's one thing to feel insecure occasionally another to behave the way he has. And, also ignore any bs about 'needing process it' he acted and said how he was feeling in the moment.

The best thing to do is lay it out there, you're going, this is what will be happening and that he needs to have confidence in you. Then listen to him and validate his feelings but stand firm. He has no reason not to trust you. He may have been cheated on in the past but not by you.

ibtrue · 16/08/2023 00:53

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 15/08/2023 23:21

He sounds very manipulative.

I totally agree👍

justanothermanicmonday1 · 16/08/2023 00:56

I remember I went to a party without my ex years and years ago and he didn't want me to go and was annoyed he wasn't asked to come. Was a work thing with just the girls. Anyway, he practically cried before I left and got drunk and wouldn't speak to me. I ended up bumping into a famous singer and got a photo with him and he through a hissy fit and started crying😂 should've ran a mile it would have saved me a year of hell and 12 weeks of intense therapy lol but you live and learn.

Tread carefully, OP.

Hibiscrubbed · 16/08/2023 08:03

I've reassured him, begged him to come. And in return he us accusing me of not wanting him there and then going cold on me. It doesn't feel very fair.

It’s not fair. He’s unbelievably manipulative. Jesus Christ. I cannot believe he’s in his thirties.

rainbowstardrops · 16/08/2023 08:29

You've invited him and told him you'd like him to come and he said he can't because he's too busy 🤷🏻‍♀️
Unless he has reason to think you might cheat on him with your ex, he sounds very insecure and that he doesn't trust you.

ToughFuss · 16/08/2023 08:31

He sounds insecure, annoying and like he’s going to cause you lots of upset in the future. Not a road I’d want to go down!

BippityBoppityBooHooHoo · 16/08/2023 08:44

Nope. I can understand him being nervous about it, but given that you've expressed how much you'd like him there, it's COMPLETELY unreasonable for him to throw a wobbly and make you feel guilty.

What about this situation makes you 'guilty'? Nothing.

Don't pander to him and seriously think about whether this is character trait that you find attractive and are willing to put up with long term.

SpringleDingle · 16/08/2023 08:49

What a manipulative twat waffle. Don’t put up with that shit and point out to him how unattractive it is. He can come or not come, you invited him, no guilt required on your side!

CalistoNoSolo · 16/08/2023 09:44

Don't move in with him and definitely don't have children with him. This kind of manipulative shit will only get worse. Go to the party and if your boyfriend can't cope ditch him.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2023 09:52

FGS, get rid of this petulant man baby. What a twat. You've just been introduced to the top of the iceberg.

Busubaba · 16/08/2023 10:47

He's sounds like he has the emotional capacity of a twelve year old.

80s · 16/08/2023 11:11

How long have you been together?
My exh cheated on me so I have learned not to ignore odd behaviour.
My bf's exes are still part of his circle of friends; we see them regularly; they are really nice. He'd mention it if an ex was going to be at an event, and if he didn't and I wasn't invited I'd find it a bit odd. Might even have been suspicious in the early days. But even then, I wouldn't have made this much of a fuss about it, and would have accepted the reassurances (while continuing to keep my eyes open!). I agree with others that your bf sounds manipulative.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 16/08/2023 11:35

Hibiscrubbed · 16/08/2023 08:03

I've reassured him, begged him to come. And in return he us accusing me of not wanting him there and then going cold on me. It doesn't feel very fair.

It’s not fair. He’s unbelievably manipulative. Jesus Christ. I cannot believe he’s in his thirties.

Never, ever beg a man for anything.

Ever.