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Original poster

Bf hurt over party invite

81 replies

Champagneponies · 15/08/2023 23:18

My sister invited me to a party a long time ago, which I forgot about. It's this weekend.

She reminded me today - I said I would go.

Spoke to bf today who is working a few hours away this week. We had made no plans to see each other and had made the assumption he was working this weekend. We don't live together. I mention party and he's not bothered.
Later in conversation it arises who is going and my ex will be there.

Bf then asks why I didn't invite him. I say ofcourse he's invited but I forgot about it & have only just been reminded. He then says I don't want him to go.

I would LOVE him to come. My genuine angle was not to put pressure on him as he's working away and has lots of priorities right now. I would always prefer to spend my time with him anyway.

I tell him this, and try to reassure him.

He repeats that I don't want him there, and so I try and pursuade him to come. He then says he can't come anyway as he will in fact be busy.

He then ends conversation to go to bed.

Meanwhile I'm left feeling very guilty and weird that he felt I didn't want him there. Have I been really mean? Part of me wants to text him and try and encourage him to come. But another part of me is torn. Help!

OP posts:
BibbityBobbety · 18/08/2023 08:34

Also I would find it quite manipulative if every time I was upset about something or needed time to process my feelings - my partner went into a guilty meltdown and took it so personally they needed to post on mumsnet! I mean all he did was tell you how he felt, he didn't ask you to reassure him or spend hours on the phone guilting you. He just ended the call to go to sleep!! Which is the adult way to deal with something, not have a difficult discussion late at night.

Something has miffed him - he is entitled to think about it. If you wrap your entire identity on making him happy, he has no room to ever feel his feelings in his own time because he has to worry about how you feel. Adult relationships will have misunderstandings and hurt feelings etc - you can't get into a tizz like this every time.

worriedatwork123 · 18/08/2023 08:36

BibbityBobbety · 18/08/2023 08:22

Not sure what the problem is here?

He was miffed you didn't invite him to a party your ex was at and despite your reassurances you want him there - you both know he can't actually make it.

So to him it would seem like you purposely didn't tell him till the the last minute you're going to a party with your ex (and that too only because he asked who was going) - and then made an empty invite to placate him knowing he couldn't come anyway. It's not about trusting you - it's wondering why you didn't think to mention upfront your ex was going. I think most people would feel a bit uncomfortable about it in a new-ish relationship.

He hasn't asked you not to go or made a scene. He told you what he thought and then ended the call. No yelling or arguments. He'll probably feel better about it today once he's had time to think about it. Whether you feel guilty or not is on you! People are allowed to feel upset at things within reason, and it's quite insulting for him that you've escalated it to the point of posting on a public forum.

You say you're obsessed with him. That's not healthy either because it means you need him to always be happy for you to feel happy. He's annoyed about something, was honest with you, then went to bed. Not the end of the world unless he doesn't let it go for days on end and asks you not to go to the party. Or unless there's a backstory where he's clingy, controlling and abusive.

this is not my perspective at all but then I've never cheated or been cheated on

he's totally overreacted - he either doesn't trust you, is controlling or insecure - none of which are attractive qualities in a partner.

in my view he's being awkward about it because actually it's not that he wanted an invite it's because he doesn't want you to go as ex is there

assert your boundaries and expectations right now unless you want more of this ....I would tell him you acknowledge there is something going on with him because of his response - you have been straightforward throughout the relationship and about this party and he can choose to accept what you are saying or not but you wont tolerate this type of reaction

Mummysatthebodyshop · 18/08/2023 08:49

From what you've said it sounds like you didn't invite him or make it clear he was invited until after disclosing your ex would be there, now it feels like his invite is an afterthought.

BibbityBobbety · 18/08/2023 08:50

Clymene · 18/08/2023 08:28

I guess you missed the gaslighting. He didn't say 'don't you want me to come?' He made a statement. She refuted it. And he repeated it. He then ended the conversation. He couldn't go anyway, he was just trying to make her feel guilty.

This isn't the behaviour of a good man.

Bf then asks why I didn't invite him. I say of course he's invited but I forgot about it & have only just been reminded. He then says I don't want him to go.

I would LOVE him to come. My genuine angle was not to put pressure on him as he's working away and has lots of priorities right now. I would always prefer to spend my time with him anyway.

I tell him this, and try to reassure him.

He repeats that I don't want him there, and so I try and pursuade him to come. He then says he can't come anyway as he will in fact be busy.

Show quote history

I don't think you understand what gaslighting is.

"It is when an individual's perception of reality is repeatedly undermined or questioned by another person."

The OP and her bf have a different interpretation of an incident. He's not calling her a liar - he thinks she doesn't want him at a party because her actions have led him to conclude this. It's completely irrelevant that she is now saying she wants him there because that's not what she communicated initially. In her own words, "My genuine angle was not to put pressure on him as he's working away and has lots of priorities right now." None of which she had told him at the start, and he isn't a mind reader. Which is very considerate thinking of her and he obviously had no issue with it until it came out by the by that her EX was going to be there. And she hadn't bothered telling him.

What is he doing wrong here exactly? Telling her it feels like she doesn't want him there? Because that is how he feeIs. Is he supposed to immediately just brush off his own feelings of doubt because she says so? Why can't the OP just let him work through his feelings in peace? He hasn't cut contact with her over it, he hasn't told her not to go to the party, he hasn't abused her. All the man did was go to sleep! I'm not even sure what he's done wrong after the initial conversation that warrants a MN thread...It was a small argument they had, not sure why the OP has escalated it into a big drama.

Can you imagine if every time YOU got upset and went to sleep, you partner posted on MN to dissect whether your feelings were justified? And you got called a gaslighter, abuser, narcissist because your partner is drumming up the public rage instead of just talking with you. I would 100% dump someone like this.

Clymene · 18/08/2023 09:30

@BibbityBobbety
He did repeatedly challenge her. He told her point blank to her face that what she was saying - that she did want him to come to the party - was untrue. And I bet you this isn't the first time he's done it either.

Does the fact that every other poster on this thread thinks this is emotionally manipulative behaviour not give you pause?

You also seem weirdly upset that the OP has dared to post about this on MN. You've mentioned it in every single post. You're not the boyfriend are you?

Original poster
Champagneponies · 18/08/2023 10:11

Thanks everyone. He's brought it up yesterday and again this morning. I gently asked this morning if he was still not able to come to the party and he said 'well why would I, you don't want me there'. I told him I really did and that I was sorry he felt like that. He then repeated he couldn't come anyway. It makes me feel so bad!

@BibbityBobbety you are making so many strange assumptions it's quite bizarre. You've stated we are in a newish relationship, and presented lots of things as facts which were not in my OP, all to be untrue including what was said originally between him and I, and assuming things about my feelings towards him. All wrong. Like him right now, you are just assuming mistrust/worst case scenario about me as a partner. I'm a good girlfriend. I'm loving, generous, loyal and always endeavor to be kind. I try my best. I don't think I deserve it from him or you quite frankly.

He also hasn't moved on / processed and is still telling me I don't want him there two days later...

He has also now called me a liar...

OP posts:
MillWood85 · 18/08/2023 10:23

He doesn't trust you around your ex, and is playing mind games to manipulate you into not going. If you give in to him this once, you'll be pacifying him every single time that you want to do something he doesn't agree with.

Seriously, he's not worth it. His insecurity could well end up being your jailer.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 18/08/2023 10:26

Surely you end things? After all he can't be expected to hang about whilst his dp is such a liar..

MolkosTeenageAngst · 18/08/2023 10:29

Eugh. He’s playing manipulative mind games with you and trying to make himself out to be a victim. How completely unattractive. Don’t feel guilty, you’ve invited him and it’s him who has decided to make it into a pity party and act like you don’t want him there. Is he 12-years-old? I wouldn’t be giving this any more headspace or airtime and if he tried to bring it up again I would be shutting it down.

Hellofromtheotherslide · 18/08/2023 10:31

Throw this one back, OP. He is emotionally manipulative, punishing you and making you beg for forgiveness over very little.

Sueveneers · 18/08/2023 10:36

Wow. He is manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusing you. He is gaslighting you. He's shown his true colours. You can't stay with a man that calls you a liar and doesn't trust you. Tell him it's over. You deserve better than this. What an arsehole he is!

Fraaahnces · 18/08/2023 10:37

Honestly, he’s gaslighting you. You need to tell him to pull his head in. Let him know that he was ALWAYS invited and you have never said that you didn’t want him there. Let him know that you are not going to be manipulated by him into feeling guilty or not going. You are not going to pander to his insecurity.

worriedatwork123 · 18/08/2023 10:46

yuck he's acting like a brat and i deffo think his end game is to get you not to go to this party

call his bluff and say actually i don't want you to come because of this whiny man baby behaviour

then consider if this is someone you want to stay with

sodthesodoff · 18/08/2023 10:50

Nah. He's a prick.

Sorry op. He's made you beg and called you a liar. Do you think you deserve that?

Throw him in the bin. I also agree with the pp about people who tell you what you're thinking. It's never ever a good sign.

itsmylife7 · 18/08/2023 10:53

OP it's very bizarre behaviour from a fully grown man

I'm assuming he wants you to say "ok I'm not going now "
Then he's got what he wanted....control.

He continues to sulk and keeps making sarcastic remarks.
I'd possibly accept this behaviour from a teenager but not a grown man.

Escapingafter50years · 18/08/2023 11:17

You will not be happy in this relationship, he will make sure of it.

You don't seem to be able to take on board the many considered responses of posters here who have seen dysfunctional relationships and are trying to save you from the one you're in. You may be a "good girlfriend" (I think it's strange that you say this, where did this thinking come from? Did you have to be a "good girl" as a child or you fell out of favour?) but he is not a "good boyfriend".

If you don't break up, I am certain that in the years ahead you will think back on this thread and regret that you didn't take the advice.

Grumpusaurus · 18/08/2023 11:23

OP, bin that needy, manipulative tosser and do go to the party. Do not let this clinging limpet ruin it for you.

AgentJohnson · 18/08/2023 11:39

His insecurities are his problem. Placating him or feeling guilt won’t make him ‘trust’ you more but will be instead used as reasons for his distrust. You can not win this because he isn’t looking for confirmation of your trustworthiness, he’s looking for confirmation of him being right not to trust you.

His behaviour isn’t about you but it will destroy you if you let him make his insecurities your problem. How can you fix this, you can’t because you aren’t the one with the insecurities. Don’t let him weaponise your love for him, against you.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 18/08/2023 11:51

He's a manipulative arse.
Yy he could have been thrown when it seemed the party had come out of the blue and you hadn't mentioned up-front about your ex. But now he's just deliberately being manipulative. He's telling you he can't go to the party whilst simultaneously blaming you by saying you don't want him there.
Even if you got down on bended knees it wouldn't change his bloody work pattern. His decision not to attend the party is his responsibility, not your's.
I'm with PPs I would end the relationship. His behaviour is a bundle of red flags.

TheCrystalPalace · 18/08/2023 12:31

"I'm a good girlfriend. I'm loving, generous, loyal and always endeavor to be kind. I try my best. I don't think I deserve it"

Exactly. You are all those things, do NOT deserve it and yet he is still making you suffer. And now calling you a liar, to boot?
Do you really want this, OP? Do you imagine it's going to get any better? If you smooth this one over, how long until the next drama? And the next? Until you stop accepting social invitations altogether because it's too much hassle.

BibbityBobbety · 18/08/2023 12:52

Champagneponies · 18/08/2023 10:11

Thanks everyone. He's brought it up yesterday and again this morning. I gently asked this morning if he was still not able to come to the party and he said 'well why would I, you don't want me there'. I told him I really did and that I was sorry he felt like that. He then repeated he couldn't come anyway. It makes me feel so bad!

@BibbityBobbety you are making so many strange assumptions it's quite bizarre. You've stated we are in a newish relationship, and presented lots of things as facts which were not in my OP, all to be untrue including what was said originally between him and I, and assuming things about my feelings towards him. All wrong. Like him right now, you are just assuming mistrust/worst case scenario about me as a partner. I'm a good girlfriend. I'm loving, generous, loyal and always endeavor to be kind. I try my best. I don't think I deserve it from him or you quite frankly.

He also hasn't moved on / processed and is still telling me I don't want him there two days later...

He has also now called me a liar...

Your version of events makes no sense to me personally.

Tuesday evening:

  1. You mentioned you were going to a party, he wasn't bothered by it and you didn't invite him.
  2. Later on in conversation it arises that your ex is going, but you hadn't previously mentioned it to your bf
  3. He then wonders why you didn't invite him and you say you forgot about it until your sister reminded you.
  4. You later tell us that your real reason for not inviting him was, "My genuine angle was not to put pressure on him as he's working away and has lots of priorities right now. I would always prefer to spend my time with him anyway."
  5. So which is it - you didn't invite him because you forgot about the party of because you thought he was too busy?
  6. Either way, none of this answers the question about why you didn't tell him your ex was going too.
  7. He feels you don't want him there (prob because your ex is going and you didn't mention it or invite him)
  8. You tell him you do want him there, but he can't attend anyway as he is busy.
  9. He isn't convinced but he has to go to bed.

Tuesday 23.18pm
10) While he's asleep you post on MN wondering if you should 'pander' to him.
11) To me this seems like you being defensive, because all you've had is a miscommunication and any sane person would wait till their partner had woken up to see if it was an issue that needs 'pandering' to.

Tue night/Wed morning:
12) While your partner is still asleep,completely unaware of how you're feeling you encourage some very negative/insulting comments about your partner on the internet - all while professing to be 'obsessed' with him. Anyone who tries to explain your partner's POV is shut down.

Friday morning:
13) I post how I don't think your partner has been unreasonable given you dissected his feelings on the internet without even seeing how he felt after he slept on it.
14) You then respond to tell the group he did all the things i said he hadn't in his defence including calling you a liar...
15) Ok. Sure.

Sorry OP, I think you're the manipulative one. It makes no sense that you are bitching about him on MN whilst simultaneously trying to reassure him every day you want him at this party. Makes no sense why you didn't invite him as he's too busy, but now think him being too busy is some manipulation tactic. You obviously don't like or respect him if at the first sign of a miscommunication you're on MN allowing strangers to slate his character. So stop being a martyr and break up with him.

Louoby · 18/08/2023 13:07

He mans up and accepts he can't come or he pulls his finger out and comes. Don't let him make you feel guilty.

Spirallingdownwards · 18/08/2023 13:16

You asked. He's being a twat. You should end it with the offer is still there and I would like you to come but the decision is yours.

Clymene · 18/08/2023 13:18

Yeah you're either the boyfriend or an incel @BibbityBobbety

TheGoodBanana · 18/08/2023 13:53

BibbityBobbety · 18/08/2023 08:22

Not sure what the problem is here?

He was miffed you didn't invite him to a party your ex was at and despite your reassurances you want him there - you both know he can't actually make it.

So to him it would seem like you purposely didn't tell him till the the last minute you're going to a party with your ex (and that too only because he asked who was going) - and then made an empty invite to placate him knowing he couldn't come anyway. It's not about trusting you - it's wondering why you didn't think to mention upfront your ex was going. I think most people would feel a bit uncomfortable about it in a new-ish relationship.

He hasn't asked you not to go or made a scene. He told you what he thought and then ended the call. No yelling or arguments. He'll probably feel better about it today once he's had time to think about it. Whether you feel guilty or not is on you! People are allowed to feel upset at things within reason, and it's quite insulting for him that you've escalated it to the point of posting on a public forum.

You say you're obsessed with him. That's not healthy either because it means you need him to always be happy for you to feel happy. He's annoyed about something, was honest with you, then went to bed. Not the end of the world unless he doesn't let it go for days on end and asks you not to go to the party. Or unless there's a backstory where he's clingy, controlling and abusive.

I agree with this actually. Very convenient you forgot about the party until the last minute. Very suspicious that you only invited him after you told him your ex would be there.

I would feel the same as he does.....

However I ma in the middle of intense therapy for my low self esteem and insecure behaviour so not sure I am a glowing example!

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