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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf hurt over party invite

81 replies

Champagneponies · 15/08/2023 23:18

My sister invited me to a party a long time ago, which I forgot about. It's this weekend.

She reminded me today - I said I would go.

Spoke to bf today who is working a few hours away this week. We had made no plans to see each other and had made the assumption he was working this weekend. We don't live together. I mention party and he's not bothered.
Later in conversation it arises who is going and my ex will be there.

Bf then asks why I didn't invite him. I say ofcourse he's invited but I forgot about it & have only just been reminded. He then says I don't want him to go.

I would LOVE him to come. My genuine angle was not to put pressure on him as he's working away and has lots of priorities right now. I would always prefer to spend my time with him anyway.

I tell him this, and try to reassure him.

He repeats that I don't want him there, and so I try and pursuade him to come. He then says he can't come anyway as he will in fact be busy.

He then ends conversation to go to bed.

Meanwhile I'm left feeling very guilty and weird that he felt I didn't want him there. Have I been really mean? Part of me wants to text him and try and encourage him to come. But another part of me is torn. Help!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/08/2023 11:46

You should be smart enough to see what a fuckwit this man is. I certainly hope you're not wanting children with him.

RachelsHere · 16/08/2023 11:49

*He repeats that I don't want him there, and so I try and pursuade him to come. He then says he can't come anyway as he will in fact be busy.

He then ends conversation to go to bed*

Come on!

Is this one of the scripts for the new Grange Hill?

Olika · 16/08/2023 11:58

Too much drama. I would have no patience and I would very matter of factly state: I forgot all about this party, my sister reminded me this week and I am going. I have asked you to join me but you say you are busy. If your plans change please let me know,

Ladybug14 · 16/08/2023 12:09

I'm assuming he's 15? Why would a grown adult in his 30s act like a spoilt manipulative child?

ChilliNoodleGoodness · 16/08/2023 12:45

Why did you tell him your ex is going to be there? Wanted to keep him on his toes? That backfired lol

Bananalanacake · 16/08/2023 12:47

Don't let him move in with you.

manticlimactic0 · 16/08/2023 19:16

So now he is sulking and trying to make to feel bad even though he cant come. Can you imagine this behaviour if you lived with him!!
⛳ <red flag

Oh and never beg anyone...ever

perfectcolourfound · 16/08/2023 19:32

He's immature and manipulative. You've done nothing wrong.

Doone21 · 17/08/2023 18:05

Are you going out with a teenager?

rwalker · 17/08/2023 18:09

you have to admit that a invite mysteriously forgotten to a party where ex is going does sound fishy

SunflowerTed · 17/08/2023 18:13

I can see where he is coming from. I think any normal person would feel a bit miffed that they hadn’t been invited to a party that their partners ex would be at!!!

Dotcheck · 17/08/2023 18:26

Hmmm

I’ve had two relationships where my partner/ husband didn’t mention invites/ said I wasn’t invited ( when I was). In both relationships they did this in a strategic way- ie didn’t want me around because they didn’t want to advertise that they were in a relationship to specific people who were there. I didn’t realise at the time, but I learned it after.

If I ever found myself in a relationship again with a person who ‘forgot’ to invite me to a family party where their ex was, I would leave.

I do think he’s being a bit petulant though

GorillaInBikini · 17/08/2023 18:57

This is not normal and not right. He is giving you all the red flags, take notice of them.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/08/2023 19:05

Ugh. What a prick.

Go to the party, have a lovely time not thinking about this absolute twat who is trying to manipulate, whine and bully you into compliance.

Original poster
Champagneponies · 18/08/2023 00:46

@Dotcheck .... But he is invited? I would like him to come. Did you even read my OP 😑?

OP posts:
Clymene · 18/08/2023 00:49

He's an emotionally manipulative dick

5128gap · 18/08/2023 07:50

I can understand his initial insecurity but as soon as you clarified that should have been an end to it. So either he's do deeply insecure normal reassurance doesnt work, or enjoys the drama of his own imaginary hurt feelings and you jumping through hoops to get him back on board. Both indicate a very difficult and flawed personality type which will be a far from ideal relationship for you.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 18/08/2023 07:54

Imo he needs to be on the ex bf list...

RightOnTheEdge · 18/08/2023 08:07

You have apologised, told him more than once that you want him there and he's invited.

Don't pander to him anymore. Tell him to grow up and either come or don't come, but don't beg him or spend your time trying to persuade him or this manipulation will become a habit.
He'll use it every time he wants his way and you will end up feeling anxious about his moods every time you want to do something he's not happy about.

WunWun · 18/08/2023 08:10

I wouldn't have pandered to start with and certainly wouldn't have begged. It would have put my back up as soon as he implied I didn't want him to come.

TheCrystalPalace · 18/08/2023 08:17

Champagneponies · 18/08/2023 00:46

@Dotcheck .... But he is invited? I would like him to come. Did you even read my OP 😑?

You've invited him now. But you didn't initially as you made an assumption that he wasn't available. He is misinterpreting your motives for that.
Anyway, he's being a petulant arse. Maybe time to re-think your 'obsession' with this one? Doesn't sound very healthy.

BibbityBobbety · 18/08/2023 08:22

Not sure what the problem is here?

He was miffed you didn't invite him to a party your ex was at and despite your reassurances you want him there - you both know he can't actually make it.

So to him it would seem like you purposely didn't tell him till the the last minute you're going to a party with your ex (and that too only because he asked who was going) - and then made an empty invite to placate him knowing he couldn't come anyway. It's not about trusting you - it's wondering why you didn't think to mention upfront your ex was going. I think most people would feel a bit uncomfortable about it in a new-ish relationship.

He hasn't asked you not to go or made a scene. He told you what he thought and then ended the call. No yelling or arguments. He'll probably feel better about it today once he's had time to think about it. Whether you feel guilty or not is on you! People are allowed to feel upset at things within reason, and it's quite insulting for him that you've escalated it to the point of posting on a public forum.

You say you're obsessed with him. That's not healthy either because it means you need him to always be happy for you to feel happy. He's annoyed about something, was honest with you, then went to bed. Not the end of the world unless he doesn't let it go for days on end and asks you not to go to the party. Or unless there's a backstory where he's clingy, controlling and abusive.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/08/2023 08:25

I've reassured him, begged him to come. And in return he us accusing me of not wanting him there and then going cold on me. It doesn't feel very fair.

This is very very unhealthy. Have a good think about it. Do you think this is how women behave in relationships? Do you think this is how men behave? Was your ex similar?

Clymene · 18/08/2023 08:28

BibbityBobbety · 18/08/2023 08:22

Not sure what the problem is here?

He was miffed you didn't invite him to a party your ex was at and despite your reassurances you want him there - you both know he can't actually make it.

So to him it would seem like you purposely didn't tell him till the the last minute you're going to a party with your ex (and that too only because he asked who was going) - and then made an empty invite to placate him knowing he couldn't come anyway. It's not about trusting you - it's wondering why you didn't think to mention upfront your ex was going. I think most people would feel a bit uncomfortable about it in a new-ish relationship.

He hasn't asked you not to go or made a scene. He told you what he thought and then ended the call. No yelling or arguments. He'll probably feel better about it today once he's had time to think about it. Whether you feel guilty or not is on you! People are allowed to feel upset at things within reason, and it's quite insulting for him that you've escalated it to the point of posting on a public forum.

You say you're obsessed with him. That's not healthy either because it means you need him to always be happy for you to feel happy. He's annoyed about something, was honest with you, then went to bed. Not the end of the world unless he doesn't let it go for days on end and asks you not to go to the party. Or unless there's a backstory where he's clingy, controlling and abusive.

I guess you missed the gaslighting. He didn't say 'don't you want me to come?' He made a statement. She refuted it. And he repeated it. He then ended the conversation. He couldn't go anyway, he was just trying to make her feel guilty.

This isn't the behaviour of a good man.

Bf then asks why I didn't invite him. I say of course he's invited but I forgot about it & have only just been reminded. He then says I don't want him to go.

I would LOVE him to come. My genuine angle was not to put pressure on him as he's working away and has lots of priorities right now. I would always prefer to spend my time with him anyway.

I tell him this, and try to reassure him.

He repeats that I don't want him there, and so I try and pursuade him to come. He then says he can't come anyway as he will in fact be busy.

jeaux90 · 18/08/2023 08:28

He either trusts you and your boundaries or he doesn't.

If he doesn't then I'd finish it.

He's manipulating you and sounds very insecure.