His best friend kissed me. Do I move on? How do I make it right?

[Cosmoslove]

I did the most awful thing. I have been with my partner for five years. I love him so much, I was happy, we had our bickers and ups and downs but it was a great relationship still. I recently got very drunk, too drunk. His best friend kissed me and said he had feelings for me. I kissed him back in my drunken state (not an excuse), and I shut down his comments about feelings and told my boyfriend what had happened. It wasn’t long and didn’t mean anything, but I did kiss him back.
He has cut off his best friend completely, he’s furious and doesn’t want anything to do with him. He’s broken up with me in an upset rage. This happened about two weeks ago. I want him back, I love him, I feel sick to my stomach about what I’ve done. How do I show him I’m sorry? I’m beating myself up about it so much that I’m becoming ill. I also don’t want to keep dragging myself through this if he doesn’t want to be with me, I need to forget it and move on, and somehow try to forgive myself.
Do I accept it’s the end and move on, or do I try to keep fighting it and accept I’m going to feel this way for a fair while?
I’m honestly not a bad person, I just made a really bad decision and it’s unforgivable.

Mistakes happen and that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. But ultimately the ball is in his court now and as it stands he has made his feelings known.

Shit happens

but you have to respect him and he might not be able to forgive this
and he needs some space so give him it

put this down as a life experience

and also as miserable as you are hating on yourself won’t help

plus even if you get him back he will never ever really trust you
so ….

I think you did the right thing. You respected him enough to tell him the truth. You actually showed he can trust you to be honest despite how easy it would have been in that situation to keep it a secret.
Give him some time and space to process it. If you want to communicate I'd send him an email which will give him space to read it and process it in his own time without having to respond immediately.

Ahhh the demon drink 🍷
Many a mistake has been made while under the influence, I'm definitely including myself in that statement.
Best thing you can do is give him some space, he may come round when he calms down.
I wouldn't bet on it though, his best mate and his partner of 5 years 😬
You've both crossed a serious boundary, he must feel so betrayed and hurt.
I don't want to make you feel worse but can you really blame him for cutting you both off.
Take care of yourself

He has to deal with two doses of betrayal here. It's probably best to give him space. He'll contact you when he wants to talk.

Not surprised he is angry. He has been let down by the 2 people he thought he could rely upon. I think you need to accept that the relationship is probably over.

You've acted honestly following the event but I'm afraid this is now up to him and he will be feeling betrayed by two important people.

I would give him a few days to a week to process and reflect then write a letter to explain how you feel. Don't either minimise or grovel but allow him to see what happened in context and proportion, and take accountability for your part in it.

I think you have to time this well. Too soon and he will still be in the first rush of anger, too long and he may think you don't care enough to try. Essentially, expect the worst but hope for the best here. 5 years is a long time but kissing his friend is a lot to accept.

Do I accept it’s the end and move on

Yes, you do need to accept this and move on. I'd also limit my alcohol intake going forward, if I were in your shoes. No one should be drinking so much that they can't control themselves.

"I am not a bad person, I just made a really bad decision and its unforgivable"
Your last sentence is how he feels at the moment. You have just got to wait now while he sits on the moral high ground and sorts out the way forward.

I’m honestly not a bad person, I just made a really bad decision

Odd way to put it, whatever you need to tell yourself - I guess.

Anyway, good for him for not staying with a cheater.

My alcohol intake has 100% stopped and I will be not drinking moving forward.
I agree, if it was the other way round I would be heartbroken. I also know that I would never do that again based on how I’m feeling now. But my word on that isn’t enough understandably. I like the idea of writing him a letter. I’m going to see him at the end of the week with the aim to collect some of my things. I’m hoping it could be a good time to try to talk, or maybe if I write it down it might get my feelings across without him being angry and me being upset?

Take it as life experience. Betrayal is a deal breaker for most people. They may plod on doing their best to ‘get through it’ but it causes trauma. As a society we only look at the fantasy and romance side of cheating - star crossed lovers, excitement, stolen glances, true love and soulmates. We don’t explore the reality - which is trauma, ptsd and the abusive aspect.

It may have been one mistaken kiss but you were the person he (probably) trusted most in his life. Can you imagine him snogging your best friend?

If you don’t have kids or a mortgage together then walking away is his safest and easiest option.

Also if he takes you back he will be the person that is OK with his best friend having feelings for his partner, and her kissing him knowing that. That might be something he's not willing to accept.

It would have been so easy for you to act like you didn’t remember anything, as you say you were very drunk, and just carry on as it if didn’t happen and hope the friend didn’t remember, but. You were honest and told the truth. Well done.

Unfortunately kissing your boyfriend’s friend is usually unrepairable whatever the circumstances. But, you did the right thing in being honest. That took integrity.

A letter is a good idea. If it doesn’t work out, it will be a lesson learned and that is always valuable.

@Cosmoslove, this with bells on:

“It would have been so easy for you to act like you didn’t remember anything, as you say you were very drunk, and just carry on as it if didn’t happen and hope the friend didn’t remember, but. You were honest and told the truth. Well done.

Unfortunately kissing your boyfriend’s friend is usually unrepairable whatever the circumstances. But, you did the right thing in being honest. That took integrity.

A letter is a good idea. If it doesn’t work out, it will be a lesson learned and that is always valuable.”

It was a massive fuck-up kissing his best friend but we all fuck up (I know I do) and you showed a great deal of courage and integrity in telling him about it. Well done. IME the most painful lessons in life tend to be the most useful. This hurts like hell now but the lessons from it will be very useful. And once again - well done on showing such integrity and courage as to tell him what had happened.

@Cosmoslove Can you give some context to the kiss. What happened leading up to it. Did he just reach in randomly and kiss you and in a drunken state you responded or were you flirting, getting closer, touching etc. then he kissed you. In other words was it a spare of the moment out of the blue kiss or things happened leading up to it?

Im not saying there is an excuse but if he just leaned in and kissed you without warning and you responded but were drunk I would say a part of your response was down to being drunk rather than a voluntary intentional thing.

We were alone making drinks together, our friends were in another room (my boyfriend had gone home at this point, as had a few others, but it’s not unusual for us all to stay out). I’m good friends with this guy, he’s always been a big part of our lives so it was just a very normal situation to be in.

As I made the drinks for people, he grabbed my face and kissed me. It was all very quick and I was in shock, I kissed back because it felt nice, and then as he started kissing my neck, I looked up and thought WTF. So I stopped and said ‘what are you doing???’ And he said ‘I’ve wanted to do that for so long. I have feelings for you.’

It then lead to a conversation about how he felt, before I left to go home. I then told my boyfriend first thing in the morning (he was asleep when I got in and I needed to process how to say it).

Yes that is true and how it happened. It was all very quick and confusing.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m looking for advice.