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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

His best friend kissed me. Do I move on? How do I make it right?

87 replies

Cosmoslove · 14/08/2023 15:26

I did the most awful thing. I have been with my partner for five years. I love him so much, I was happy, we had our bickers and ups and downs but it was a great relationship still. I recently got very drunk, too drunk. His best friend kissed me and said he had feelings for me. I kissed him back in my drunken state (not an excuse), and I shut down his comments about feelings and told my boyfriend what had happened. It wasn’t long and didn’t mean anything, but I did kiss him back.
He has cut off his best friend completely, he’s furious and doesn’t want anything to do with him. He’s broken up with me in an upset rage. This happened about two weeks ago. I want him back, I love him, I feel sick to my stomach about what I’ve done. How do I show him I’m sorry? I’m beating myself up about it so much that I’m becoming ill. I also don’t want to keep dragging myself through this if he doesn’t want to be with me, I need to forget it and move on, and somehow try to forgive myself.
Do I accept it’s the end and move on, or do I try to keep fighting it and accept I’m going to feel this way for a fair while?
I’m honestly not a bad person, I just made a really bad decision and it’s unforgivable.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 14/08/2023 17:12

Leave him be. He must be beyond devastated and his head and heart will be scrambled. It’s over, don’t make things worse by pursuing him.

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 14/08/2023 17:21

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I think you'll find it was his friend who ruined the friendship not OP.
I'm sure you've never made a mistake in your life have you.

fairytalesRonlyinbooks · 14/08/2023 17:23

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Cosmoslove · 14/08/2023 17:24

I appreciate blame fully in this, I know I’ve made a mistake, I feel absolutely awful about it.

OP posts:
Oatycookies · 14/08/2023 17:25

@Cosmoslove id say letter is the least intrusive way to get your feelings across and it will make sure you say more or less what you want to say and stop you from rambling or mistakenly sounding self-pitying etc if you take some time and care to write it well.

communicating in this way also gives him the opportunity to read it if and when he wants

FWIW you were decent enough to do the right thing and own up but if I were in his position I’d not want anything to do with either of you again.

The trust would be totally gone, from his POV it’s probably either you held a torch for his best friend all along OR you didn’t but you just decided to go along with kissing him and therefore it could happen again with any other man who tries it on…so either way it won’t look great from his perspective. Smart decision to stay off the drink!

ItsADoggieDogWorld · 14/08/2023 17:26

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Yes, we've all made mistakes in life. But when realise we've made one, the last thing we need is a wagging finger pointed at us isn't it.

Watchkeys · 14/08/2023 17:28

Leave him be. It's not his responsibility to help you feel better. Let him do what he needs, without your input. What you feel is the price of betraying someone you love. You just have to bear it.

Haretest · 14/08/2023 17:29

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I think you'll find the friend is responsible for ruining his friendship! OP is not responsible for the friend's behaviour.

fairytalesRonlyinbooks · 14/08/2023 17:30

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fairytalesRonlyinbooks · 14/08/2023 17:31

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TenderDandelions · 14/08/2023 17:41

Drink has a horrible habit of helping you make terrible decisions. I've been there, done that too.

As you know OP, there's not much you can do at the moment other than what you've already said. You stopped it when you realised it was crazy and told your boyfriend.

How many posters would be on here saying "don't tell him!" if you'd posted what had happened??

I agree with the idea of leaving him with a note. Pour your heart out on there about how you feel about him, the life you'd imagined together, etc.

As you hand it over say "I am devastated by what happened the other week and I'd really love for another chance. I know I've hurt you but I wanted you to know how I feel about you, so I've written you this. If there is any way you can imagine forgiving me, you know where to find me. If not, I'll understand."

If he still isn't interested, then as heartbreaking as it is, you will move on. Give yourself some time to forgive yourself too.

budgey · 14/08/2023 17:45

I think you did the right thing. I hate it when people advise not to tell the truth and say some bull about it being selfish e.g. you're doing it to ease your guilt but it will cause them great upset.

I strongly disagree. I think everyone has a right to make an actual informed decision about the person they are with. If you are keeping something from your partner that they would break up with you over if they knew then you are doing something really awful to them. You are taking away their choice and making them live a lie. Life is short and nobody deserves to have that decision made for them.

You told the truth. Despite what you did, you made the best choice afterwards.

Unfortunately you also seem to think (out of desperation perhaps) that the key to sorting this out is him understanding how sorry you are. People are not obliged to accept our apologies, no matter how genuine they are. And if you continue with apology after apology, there comes a line you cross where you are not respecting their feelings and their agency to make a choice.

He may or may not forgive you but he needs time. If there are things left unsaid then perhaps ONE (and only one) letter may be appropriate but I would tread carefully with it.

If he chooses not to be with someone who would kiss his best friend then that's up to him.

That's the thing about cheating. If you really are truly sorry and, if able to turn back time, would choose not to do it again, then perhaps the shock and guilt of all this has changed you. Maybe you're not the same person as you were a short time ago when you did that. Maybe. But to him, you will now always be that person. Although many people stay together, I think very few can get to a point where the wronged partner trusts the other in exactly the way they once did.

You might not be a terrible person but what you did to him was terrible. If this experience has changed you for the better it just means that you can be better for your next partner. It doesn't mean that you get a free second go at this relationship.

Also these things always bring up a lot of the opinions about drunkenness. "Drunk words are sober thoughts", "alcohol isn't an excuse", "I'd never cheat no matter how drunk I was" etc etc and maybe all that's true.

But if you find that you do end up doing things that you genuinely wouldn't do sober (like this) and it's ruining your life (like this) when drinking, then you need to consider that you may have a problem and stop. Problem drinking isn't just drinking in the mornings and drinking at work.

If you become a person you neither recognise or like when drunk and you continue to do it anyway then you cannot truly believe you are actually in control of your drinking.

If this was a "drunken mistake" and he decides to forgive you then stopping drinking should be for good, not just for a few months until it's blown over.

But whatever his choice, for your sake, and I say this as someone who has done things drunk that I cannot imagine doing sober, I really would advise you to stop because it's a road that leads nowhere good.

Being teetotal really isn't so bad. I was someone who could easily go for weeks without drinking but when I drank I did it to excess and made some of the worst decisions of my life. Stopping has given me an inner peace like nothing else ever has.

Use this to better yourself, FOR yourself, and leave him alone to decide.

Cosmoslove · 14/08/2023 17:45

Can I ask, does anyone have any advice on how you can move on together from something like this? Is it possible to regain his trust? I will literally work at it forever and a day, I don’t think either of us will ever get passed it.

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snowdropinwinter · 14/08/2023 17:45

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Cosmoslove · 14/08/2023 17:50

Thank you for this, I really appreciate everyone’s input here.

I really appreciate the apology aspect too. I’d never considered how my overwhelming need to have him know how sorry I am could actually make things worse.

I will be stopping drinking. I believe that I put myself in a bad position, and looking back, had I been sober, things would be different.

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snowdropinwinter · 14/08/2023 17:54

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ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 14/08/2023 18:03

The only good thing here is that you told him immediately. Whether that's enough, you won't know in the short term. If you had lied or not told him and he found other otherwise, then there's no chance of anything.

He's also dealing with his friend's betrayal. It's a double blow. His friend may also tell the story anyway he wants. May blame you or may be decent enough to take the blame and actually confuse it he him that caused it, thst you responded for thirty section & came to your senses quickly etc. Do not contact his friend.

At the moment, his hurt & angry is at an all time high. Continuing to try plead with him at this stage will not work. It will only cause greater argument and could destroy things permanently. You need to give him time to get over the initial shock and hurt.

I would keep it simple...I know you need time and space right now but I would really like to talk to you properly when the time is right. I am so sorry.

Personally, I would get over my partner snagging a stranger quicker than I would him kissing my best friend. Sorry but I think it will be difficult for him to come back from this.

Watchkeys · 14/08/2023 18:10

Cosmoslove · 14/08/2023 17:45

Can I ask, does anyone have any advice on how you can move on together from something like this? Is it possible to regain his trust? I will literally work at it forever and a day, I don’t think either of us will ever get passed it.

There's no advice for a couple on what to do after betrayal, because the advice is to not be a couple any more.

Sorry, but there is nothing you can do. You could have not kissed the guy, but the decision is in the past now, and there's no way to go back.

You're going to have to leave it with him. There is nothing you can do, except follow his lead. This isn't about you, now.

Tepoi · 14/08/2023 18:15

I wonder if the comments would have been so kind if this has been a man.

Pinkbonbon · 14/08/2023 18:19

Assuming it happened as you said and you told me about it I think splitting up with you over it is a bit drama lama tbh. I mean he should absolutely ditch that friend and you should never see them again either. But it's arguably normal to snog someone back for a few seconds when you're steaming and your brains taking a bit of time to process before the 'wtf!?' hits.

I hate to say it op but even if he wants to get bsck together, I wouldn't. I suspect he'll hold it against you. Might even use it as an excuse to cheat himself in future.

He has every right to feel annoyed - but he's thrown all his toys out of the pram. Call it a day.

Summerdayy · 14/08/2023 18:25

The very same thing happened to me when I was young.
My then boyfriend brother did the same in similar scenario and I also kissed him back.
I didn’t tell my boyfriend, I think someone else did who saw us. We broke up and he never wanted me back, no matter how hard I tried.
I also wrote him letter, in a fact many letters.
My last encounter with him was rather sad and romantic, we met in a pub and I got drunk and he gave me lift home, he walked me home, I must fell asleep and woke up too him sitting on chair extremely sad, then he left. I have never seen him since. (90s)

Watchkeys · 14/08/2023 18:26

He has every right to feel annoyed - but he's thrown all his toys out of the pram. Call it a day

I think many would see this as a full on betrayal, and if he's a principled person, he's likely to. That's not 'throwing toys out of the pram', that's him being upset and angry that someone he trusted has broken his trust. He sounds boundaried to me, not like a child in a tantrum.

CheekyHobson · 14/08/2023 18:43

I think you should reflect some more on why you kissed your boyfriend’s friend back. I had something similar happen to me once and even though I was very drunk, I shoved him off me and gave him a drunken lecture about what a dumb thing it was to do.

The drink doesn’t make you do anything, it just removes inhibitions. So something in you liked or wanted your boyfriend’s BF’s kiss and that is what is making it so hard for your boyfriend. Maybe it’s not a particular attraction for his BF but you’ve been feeling neglected. Or maybe you never got a lot of attention from boys and this was so flattering you couldn’t help yourself. Or maybe you do secretly fancy his BF.

Either way you need to be honest with yourself and not gloss it over as a drunken “accident”. There’s always a reason for things and that’s what your boyfriend is struggling with.

EAP · 14/08/2023 19:14

You've crossed the line I'm afraid.

Vitriolinsanity · 14/08/2023 19:39

Be careful what you wish for. My niece did similar. Mortifying reveal all round.

Best friend was kicked into touch. She was given the second chance she begged for.

Her present life is a miserable one. The DH checks on her relentlessly. Her promise to never drink is monitored scrupulously. The Trust is gone and being anywhere near them both is an awful atmosphere for everyone else.