His best friend kissed me. Do I move on? How do I make it right?

[Cosmoslove]

I did the most awful thing. I have been with my partner for five years. I love him so much, I was happy, we had our bickers and ups and downs but it was a great relationship still. I recently got very drunk, too drunk. His best friend kissed me and said he had feelings for me. I kissed him back in my drunken state (not an excuse), and I shut down his comments about feelings and told my boyfriend what had happened. It wasn’t long and didn’t mean anything, but I did kiss him back.
He has cut off his best friend completely, he’s furious and doesn’t want anything to do with him. He’s broken up with me in an upset rage. This happened about two weeks ago. I want him back, I love him, I feel sick to my stomach about what I’ve done. How do I show him I’m sorry? I’m beating myself up about it so much that I’m becoming ill. I also don’t want to keep dragging myself through this if he doesn’t want to be with me, I need to forget it and move on, and somehow try to forgive myself.
Do I accept it’s the end and move on, or do I try to keep fighting it and accept I’m going to feel this way for a fair while?
I’m honestly not a bad person, I just made a really bad decision and it’s unforgivable.

@Vitriolinsanity that sounds horrible 😬

You may have been drunk but it happened all the same. If he was the type of guy who is loyal and not think about doing that to you it would smart more, along with it was his friend.

I would have likely done the same and sending a letter wouldn't help but push me further away.

Leave him be to process it, if he can move past it and trust you again he will be in touch. Don't force it.

There's nothing YOU can do to make it right. It's up to him now. I say this not with spite, just truth - if I was your boyfriend, I'd want nothing to do with either of you again. Trust would be gone, and no relationship can be successful without trust.

Well no.. You are still in schock over what's happened, but you need to dig deep now and address why you kissed him back. Right now you are the cheater, and your relationship will never be the same, even if he did take you back. Which he shouldn't. Because the relationship is broken now.

You are not a bad person, but you may be a person who is not being honest with themself. Take this as an opportunity to self reflect and get to know your deep needs and wants much better so that you won't be in this situation again in the future. There's no point in blaming the alcohol. It just dissolves our inhibition and brings out what was already inside.

You should not try to convince your ex to give you another chance. He doesn't want anything to do with you and that's understandable. If he does in the future then that's his choice but right now you should concentrate on moving on. Give this poor man peace.

You didn't put yourself in a bad decision though. You trusted his friend. Id tell ex exactly what happened.

I'd leave your ex alone for a few weeks then write him a letter. Not just any letter.. a book lol. Why you love him etc etc

Why she loves him? That will just make him feel worse. 'I love you because xyz but I still kissed your best mate'.

For all the stories on MN, flip the genders and ask what people would do. In this instance, if a boyfriend kissed someone else, the red flag brigade would be out, and that guy would be gone! A kiss would be the end of it for the man.

...but as I said, flip the genders... several months back a lady licked whipped cream off a stripper's penis and the whole forum was saying 'everyone makes mistakes, don't tell him and move on'. Gender-swapped, he'd be crucified.

The drunk excuse is a get out if jail free card for most people. Now alcohol has cost him two people he loved. Poor guy.

How long were you kissing for, and what do you mean you did it because it felt nice? Do you mean you were taken by surprise and didn't think for a second or two, or you did it for a while and only pushed him away when he tried to move up a gear with the neck kissing? And why did you stay and talk after?

Only asking because the way you describe this, I'm not sure you're being honest with yourself about what happened and what was behind it.

Maybe you were intrigued, someone new, maybe things getting a bit predictable with DP? I'm not sure but I have to say that update sounds like a bit more than your brain not catching up with what was happening for a brief moment. I stand by writing a letter of apology after 5 years (I know others disagree) but you have a lot more reflecting to do than in your original post.

Not putting the boot in, I promise. I think you just need to be unflinchingly honest with yourself.

Thank you for your response.

I kissed him back, I would say the whole thing lasted less than 5 seconds. I kissed back briefly, I was taken by surprise and I do think my brain definitely took a second to catch up. That’s why I say about the neck kissing, I think it took me breathing and looking away to actually realise what was happening. It felt nice and I enjoyed being kissed in that moment (selfishly), I would have preferred it to have been my boyfriend.

I stayed for about 15 minutes after it had happened, we had a conversation about why it happened (he admitted to feelings). There was a period of me telling him that I would have to tell my boyfriend, to which he tried to ask me not to but I refused. I then left.

So no, not a good move on my part at all, but it was a drunken mistake that I wish I could take back completely.

All the best op. From experience shut down any expectations of rebuilding and walk away then if they want you they will make the effort.

This makes it worse that I at first imagined. You had a conversation with him about how he felt? While you were drunk? You didn't go straight home after he kissed you? Why did your boyfriend leave without you?

All the posts I am reading on MN these days just don't ring true. Perhaps it's because I'm getting older and am dumbfounded by the way young people react to situations (even though I did some pretty dumb things when I was young too)

OP, his friend tried it on with you.

Your poor boyfriend.

That was no friend.

He made a move on you and you were pissed.

You were honourable and told the truth.

He must be hurt butbif he cannot see the difference between what his friend did and you did, well you're well out of it.

I feel for you.

Unfortunately alcohol can cause things to happen.

His friend was waiting for a chance clearly.

If you wish to write a letter do.

HE kissed you, and you were pissed.

You stopped it and said you would tell your boyfriend and you did.

I certainly wouldn't end a 5 year relationship over this but if he chooses to, then he wasn't the right man for you.

You made a mistake but IMO HE initiated this and you stopped it.

Forgive yourself and stop beating yourself up.

That snake friend would be dead to me.

He's awful.

Yes, I was trying to understand what he was saying and whether it was serious feelings enough to tell my boyfriend how his friend felt, or whether it was just him kissing me when drunk.
I didn’t stay long, but I did want to make the friend know that I was going to be telling my boyfriend exactly what happened and what was said by his friend.
As explained in the original post, we were all out as a big group of friends, it was quite normal that my boyfriend had gone home (we all live on the same road)

why did you put yourself in a position where you and this friend were drunk and alone? you are trying to paint yourself as a victim here

Learn from it and let him go. I’m sorry, but there’s no coming back from this.

Well I’m going to look at this from a different perspective. You’ve been with your partner for five years, how was your relationship prior to the kissing incident? You mention that you had ups and downs so everything wasn’t totally brilliant. Did you have long term plans, were you planning a wedding or children or just drifting along with no developments and had got into a rut. Maybe your partner is quite happy to have an excuse to break up with you and perhaps your response to his friend tells you a bit more about your relationship with your partner than at first glance. I’d move on if I were you. Easier said than done but if you and your partner had no major commitments together after five years, it does say something about your relationship, maybe it was just going nowhere. In vino veritas etc.

Well if you were mine partner, I would have you back in a flash, OP. You are honest, remorseful and giving up the daemon drink.

This.

I suspect he'd like some advice right now, but his world has been shattered by the two people he is closest to.

Give him space to let it sink in, and then it will be his decision eventually.

You're hurting too. I know. Write a letter if you feel it will help, then collect your bits and give him time.

Totally agree with a pp here.

You guys have been together for 5 years? That’s a long time.

This isolated incident - one that was not instigated by you, which you stopped and also fessed up to - is simply not enough to throw away a 5 year relationship so easily. Even if you did kiss back momentarily.

So it doesn’t add up really. What else is going on? Was the relationship actually going anywhere?

Hopefully your partner has a good support network. Hopefully you do, too. Don’t be too hard on yourself.

This. It was a drunk kiss that you ended very quickly and were honest about.
I also think a fair few men are posting (quite unpleasantly) on this thread.

Agree with this.
To be fair, this summer a lot of relationship posts and comments havent been made by mums/women.

OP, the 'friend' is the person who has acted badly. You have been honest - far more honest than most people would.

You need to step back. At the moment you are presenting as someone who is desperately trying to get back what she has lost. At no point have you expressed concern about your exs feelings. When you do you will realise you won’t get back to where you were before. Even if you stay together he will always see you differently.

but as I said, flip the genders... several months back a lady licked whipped cream off a stripper's penis and the whole forum was saying 'everyone makes mistakes, don't tell him and move on'.

Why do you keep lying a out this CINIC?

Why do you keep raising it, in pretty much every thread, and lying about it?

This is about the tenth or more time I've seen you do this.

Over and over.

Do you think you might be better getting off the forum and getting some counselling for whatevers bothering you ...rather than hanging around a mostly female forum.... Repeatedly accusing a group of women of being something they're not. Lying over and over again about their responses to a scenario.

You have fixated on the responses that dismissed that ops behaviour.... Which were not the majority by any means and we're equalled or more by extremely critical responses telling the op to tell the truth and end the relationship, but you keep pretending those don't exist.

And repeating that in thread after thread - it's like an obsession for you. You need to stop bringing this ... Totally unhelpfully, into repeated threads and maybe just get some counselling for what's bothering you.

Op I agree with others that you've been more honest than many would be.

I think, if I was in your bf's shoes, that (idealistic or not), I'd want my bf of 5 years to react - even drunk - to anyone, but especially my friend kissing him by drawing away/stopping them, rather than getting into the kids for a bit because it felt good. You'd hope that the feeling good would be overcome by the inappropriateness and of it being not his gf, not his partner, and worse - his partner's mate.

As I said, that might be idealistic but I think if your bf told you he's responded for a bit (esp with it being somebody who should be even more off limits - your mate .... That you'd wonder what else they're capable of, if they're capable of responding and getting into it with anyone, including ppl in your circle, if there capable of going further before they stop, or not stop etc.

While youve ber honest, and your response was so what understandable in a drunken state, it does cast doubt for a partner over potential infidelity, and is a good bit away from what most people's ideal/wish would be for their partner; which is to stop things immediately. To have that boundary and sense of appropriateness, even if under the influence.

That, combined with the fact that this is a mate of his, is probably what is causing the cut off.

He may also be not all that invested... We don't know enough about your relationship and circumstances