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Original poster

Husband is deluded

110 replies

Itsneverenough007 · 11/08/2023 10:06

Hi all
Just want to ask you guys if I'm being unreasonable or if I've really married an asshole.
It's to do with the garage door key - inner door from garage to kitchen has 2 keys normally left in the lock - the kids were larking about and we're going to lock each other out in the garage - kids said where are the keys I said I didn't know - husband then said in a very accusing voice ( even the kids picked up on it) to me - where are the keys what have you done with them - he got very patronising and said it must have been me that moved them - I swear that I didn't touch them. Anyway he's been giving me the cold shoulder for the last two days and said have I found the keys - I've searched high and low - until I checked his pen pot on his desk and low and behold there are the keys - now my dilemma is do I tell him I found the keys and risk him thinking that I only found them because I put them there or leave him to find them? Advise me dear people!!

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 11/08/2023 13:54

Don't let him turn something minor into something important.
I would say "Why would I do that? So what if I did? Why is this a big deal?"

Then "Clearly you took them and put them in your pen pot and based on your tone I think something is going on here."

Fraaahnces · 11/08/2023 13:57

You are all completely missing the point. “You spent two days getting off on watching me turn the house upside down looking for the key when you knew damn well where it was, because YOU took it and put it there! What kind of suck fuck does that?”

ScottishIceCream · 11/08/2023 14:02

I'd remove them.from the pen pot and never mention them again.

slore · 11/08/2023 14:12

If he did this deliberately, this is the textbook definition of gaslighting: doing minor things for the sole purpose of making you think you're losing your mind.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 11/08/2023 14:20

tell him you are not looking for the keys as you haven't lost them, haven't touched them, haven't seen them, don't want them, don't need them.

Then disengage ..... entirely. I mean from both the argument and from him if you can get rid.

before you do all that, get a copy of the garage keys then put them back where you found them.

😆

viques · 11/08/2023 14:55

I would take the keys and say you found them , but in a completely different place.

( He will know you know but he will never be able to challenge you.)

TerfTalking · 11/08/2023 14:57

I'm always a bit WTF about these kind of threads. Honestly if this were my DH, and I do tidy lots of things away and then forget where I've put them, then the first thing I would be doing when I found the keys would be "oi, come up here now, I have something important to show you" and when he came I would point to them and say "you're welcome and yes I do accept your sincere apology".

CherryMaDeara · 11/08/2023 15:00

TerfTalking · 11/08/2023 14:57

I'm always a bit WTF about these kind of threads. Honestly if this were my DH, and I do tidy lots of things away and then forget where I've put them, then the first thing I would be doing when I found the keys would be "oi, come up here now, I have something important to show you" and when he came I would point to them and say "you're welcome and yes I do accept your sincere apology".

You're 'WTF' about that OP's husband being a potentially abusive gaslighter? How is it OP's fault that her H is an accusing arsehole giving her silent treatment and who won't believe that she found them where he left them?

AliceOlive · 11/08/2023 15:07

I know someone whose husband was tricking her into thinking she was losing things constantly. He even involved others in the “joke”. He made it seem like harmless fun to everyone else but was trying to make her think she was crazy.

frozendaisy · 11/08/2023 15:15

You walk up to him with the keys and say"they were in the pen pot on YOUR desk you dumb ass"

Demand a spare set that you put somewhere

And just don't let him gaslight you over this.

If he "starts" say something like "honestly it feels like you sort of his them there to the blame me and watch me frantically hunt for them like some sort of perverted blood sport but yeah let's chalk it up to an innocent mistake this time. Just to point out next time something vital goes missing we are all looking together until it's found, understand? "

Hankunamatata · 11/08/2023 15:20

I would be shouting from the top of my voice as soon as I found them. If he accuses you of putting them there he is a super asshat

HotPringles · 11/08/2023 15:28

CherryMaDeara · 11/08/2023 15:00

You're 'WTF' about that OP's husband being a potentially abusive gaslighter? How is it OP's fault that her H is an accusing arsehole giving her silent treatment and who won't believe that she found them where he left them?

Show quote history

I agrée with@TerfTalking . This is what would happen in my house too. I would simply point out that keys were on his desk and that would be it.

The issue with what the OP is writing is

  • he hasn’t actually looked for the keys at all and left that task to the OP
  • he is giving her the silent treatment - that’s never ok.
  • he ASSUMED it had to be the OP’s fault.
  • she is worried about telling him - probably the biggest red flag.
LemonDrizzle10 · 11/08/2023 15:30

Cold shoulder for 2 days over anything would make me LTB. What a dick.

HotPringles · 11/08/2023 15:32

@Itsneverenough007 seeing that you are worried somehow about his reaction, I’d leave them there and wait for him to find them.

Then I’d do a copy and keep it with my house keys. I’d use that key and only that one.

More importantly, I think you need to look at the relationship as a whole.
Is he often giving you the cold shoulder?
Is he always assuming you’ve done something wrong and he never does?
By any chance, is it often that, when things go wrong, it’s actually his fault/responsibility?
How does he speak to you? Kind and caring or accusing, looking down on you?

Because I suspect this incident is just one of a very long stream of incidents.
And you might want to review if this is acceptable to you.

Tangelablue · 11/08/2023 15:45

Keep hold of the keys and don't mention them.

bonzaitree · 11/08/2023 15:53

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 11/08/2023 13:07

In my relationship, it would be perfectly ok for me to crow "They were in YOUR pen pot all along, you tit" whilst jangling them at him triumphantly, and it would never occur to him to accuse me of putting them there to gaslight him. This relationship doesn't sound like much fun for you, OP.

This is what I was thinking.

im always putting things in random places! OH always helps me look and says « you left it in the car you Wally! » or similar (but in a dead nice way!)

Dont know, seems like you’re a bit scared of him and his reaction!

Frankenpug23 · 11/08/2023 16:02

midlifecrash · 11/08/2023 11:05

This is a strange question, surely the immediate impulse is to shout HERE ARE THE KEYS IN YOUR FUCKING PENPOT YOU IDIOT and expect abject apology? It’s a bit worrying that you the start to worry about his response to his mistake?

This!

I suspect this isn’t the only time he has been a dick so please have a think about next steps and how you would respond next time he does this - if you give him that chance.

HamishTheCamel · 11/08/2023 16:08

Tell him you found them in his pen pot. Then wait. The natural reaction at this point is for him to sheepishly admit that it may have been his fault. If he continues to blame you then this is a really bad sign. I hate to jump to LTB, but a kind supportive partner would not behave like this.

Even if it had been your fault - not speaking to you for two days?!

azlazee1 · 11/08/2023 16:14

Tell him where you found them. Don't be antagonistic - just let him know problem solved.

ClawedButler · 11/08/2023 16:15

He's coming undone at the back, that one.

If you have to ask how to broach a subject because you're wary of his reaction, you already know you need to get rid.

If you have a partner who gives you TWO DAYS of silent treatment over a total non-issue, you already know you need to get rid.

NotAllowed2banAdult · 11/08/2023 16:19

larkstar · 11/08/2023 11:00

Call his bluff - tell him you've rang a locksmith and they are coming to replace the lock.

Tell him you will ring a locksmith next week. If he "finds" the keys suddenly, or finds them in your car/space, then you know he is gaslighting you.

nably · 11/08/2023 16:21

Aside from the possible gaslighting - the silent treatment for days from my STBXH became 'normal' behaviour in our marriage when I did or didnt do something he wanted me to or when I apparently 'emasculated him' by being right about something. My nature is to have an argument and move on but now I realise that his sulking was his way of punishing me. I see now how cruel that is so after 18 years I realised it was time to not put up with it anymore. Silent treatment is cruel and doesn't show a good example to children who do pick up on things (as you say).

I laugh about this now but one huge argument was when I suggested that the car had locked itself when he took too long to get in the car - I was told not to be stupid that cars don't lock themselves. I knew I was right but kept quiet to avoid an argument. He kept on and on about it so when we got to our destination I said 'right ok lets test it out' of course it did auto lock but then he turned it around that I was the one in the wrong for proving I was right.

OMG its so exhausting being with a man who cant admit when he is wrong. He sounds as controlling dickhead as my DH.

mandlerparr · 11/08/2023 16:22

yeah, he is making things up in order to start a fight. He is trying to gain something and is trying to start fights and gaslight you to get it. It is something he knows you won't want to give up or do. So, he wants to break up or cheat or wants you to do all the housework or support him or quit your job or something. I don't know what it is he wants, but he wants something and is trying to put you off balance so that you give in easier or don't notice whatever he is up to. I mean, you don't notice they are cheating if you are so glad they are out of the house due to them constantly starting fights when they are home. This way, you are not asking them where they are and what they are doing, because you are just glad to not have a fight.

AdamRyan · 11/08/2023 16:23

viques · 11/08/2023 14:55

I would take the keys and say you found them , but in a completely different place.

( He will know you know but he will never be able to challenge you.)

Yes! Do this OP. Say you found them in a kids welly or something

Chatterboxy · 11/08/2023 16:28

Prelapsarianhag · 11/08/2023 12:23

Shove the penpot up his arse.

🤣🤣

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