Husband is deluded

[Itsneverenough007]

Hi all
Just want to ask you guys if I'm being unreasonable or if I've really married an asshole.
It's to do with the garage door key - inner door from garage to kitchen has 2 keys normally left in the lock - the kids were larking about and we're going to lock each other out in the garage - kids said where are the keys I said I didn't know - husband then said in a very accusing voice ( even the kids picked up on it) to me - where are the keys what have you done with them - he got very patronising and said it must have been me that moved them - I swear that I didn't touch them. Anyway he's been giving me the cold shoulder for the last two days and said have I found the keys - I've searched high and low - until I checked his pen pot on his desk and low and behold there are the keys - now my dilemma is do I tell him I found the keys and risk him thinking that I only found them because I put them there or leave him to find them? Advise me dear people!!

No. He'll accuse you of putting them there.

Say youve looked everywhere you'd have put them so why doesn't he have a look himself.

I also think he put them there deliberately to have an excuse to bully you. Time to leave, OP.

I agree! Bizarre behaviour - and some even more bizarre (and some downright ridiculous) responses!

Yeah or this tbf

This

This.

Also. This stupid argument from him will go on forever and he's enjoying it, giving you the cold shoulder of resentment. I guarantee he's got the hump about something else and he's landed on a handy keys complaint to get some of it out there.

I used to think labelling things was a bit anally retentive but in recent years have found it stops people from having their own special 2-3 forgettable places for things, not putting them away in any of them and then demanding to know where "Someone" has put them. It was driving me mad. Like I'm responsible for the placement of everything in the house and I'm supposed to either find it in seconds or suggest endless places where they might look. Enough of that!

Get a hook or whatever off Amazon. Label it GARAGE KEYS HERE. and put it up in a prominent place, near the garage or wherever. Also attach a label to the keys. If yo have a second set label them, second set and put them with all your other keys ( I've got a key box on the wall with everything labelled and I've never had a peak out of any of them about bloomin keys (esp radiator keys or window locking keys) since. It also means I can get DC to help with the pre holiday lock up for a change. I've just had to do this with all their bike locks and keys which were a jumble sale and have ended up painting ID on D locks with nail varnish. I felt a bit of a fool doing this but I'm thinking I won't have to do it or discuss it ever again. Seems to have done the trick.

Don't discuss. Don't ask. Just put it up there and the keys never have to be put away in pen boxes or anywhere else again. Think of the secret smirk you can have when when he clocks it.

The system works and will be very satisfying because it knocks the wind out of his argument sails. Successfully thwarted.

But I do think he was horrible to you and the kids and you need to have a think about this behaviour. I'd also say very bluntly that you and the kids deserve an apology due to his nasty childish way of dealing with a trival problem by coldshouldering you for two days - its hardly setting a good example to your DC.
He needs to grow up.

This.

I’d leave them. Then If he asked again, say you’ve not found them yet & suggest you’re going to have to call the locksmith.

my guess is they’ll suddenly turn up or move!

if they move to a more obvious place, you know he’s playing games with you!

In Mumsnet world, the answer is to set up a hidden camera and check what his reaction is to the keys when he ‘finds’ them.

What on earth is a doctor going to do about this ?
I would have thought the NHS is busy enough without getting involved in people's matrimonials, unless you genuinely think either OP or her H have early onset dementia.

In my relationship, it would be perfectly ok for me to crow "They were in YOUR pen pot all along, you tit" whilst jangling them at him triumphantly, and it would never occur to him to accuse me of putting them there to gaslight him. This relationship doesn't sound like much fun for you, OP.

Don't play games.

You found them and now you have them.

His problem is the cold shoulder and bad behaviour, treating you like a naughty child. That is the problem, address that.

I would take a picture to show they are there, then not tell h9m you have found them, stop looking for them and let him sulk

Ive had the misfortune of having to deal with similar behaviour and my advice is not to confront him. The reason for that is he is giving you insight about his character and his beliefs about what he thinks is a reasonable justification for abusing you. Because stonewalling and blaming is abuse.

There is no justification for abuse so he has created one. Don’t confront, engage or react. Just observe.

I would say "after searching high and low for the keys that I did not lose, I found them in your pen pot. I'm expecting an apology from you for falsely blaming me and then giving me the cold shoulder for 2 days".

Right now, he's being an arsehole. How he reacts to the above will tell you whether there's any hope for your marriage, or the arseholeyness is pathological.

It's such a massive red flag that your instinct is he won't believe you about where you found them.

I can't imagine a scenario in my current marriage where that would happen. Because we trust each others word. This is not healthy OP.

And I would leave them there. He'll find them eventually if he doesn't already know exactly where they are. His actions going forward will tell you everything else you need to know to get out of this marriage.

I agree with pp, tell him locksmith is coming and had quoted £150 that he needs to pay as he was the last person to have the keys.

If he finds the keys, ask him why you would put the keys under his pen pot.

I would put the keys back in the lock where they belong. Then tell him where I found them. His reaction will tell you lots about him as a person.

There shouldn't be any games in a relationship. This sounds seriously unhealthy, especially the silent treatment.

Don’t tolerate him humiliating you in front of your kids (or anyone, or alone) - ever. This is abuse. This type of headfuckery is absolutely cruel and he’s put a lot of work into that one. No doubt enjoyed every minute of you wasting your time searching. Sadistic prick wasting is a waste of oxygen.
(I grew up with a mother who did this kind of thing all the time.)

Sorry you got the wrong word there-hes not deluded hes deranged

who doesnt talk to someone over lost garage keys

You beat me to it. Either messing with your head, or made a mistake and forgot where he put them and can’t apologise, admit wrongdoing or discuss things reasonably.

All big fails.

I’m beginning to suspect he did this deliberately that day to either lock the kids in - or play this game of hide and seek. He’s not right in the head.

Take the keys & return them to their correct location. Leave something silly like a couple of buttons in the pot. Say nothing.

If he comments that the keys are back, look vague & murmur about how weird it is.

If he comments that someone has swapped the keys in his pen pot for buttons, wtf? then you have him bang to rights.

But honestly, what a wanker. Does he have form for this?

'Find them' while he's there. Go in with a bit of paper in your hand, say you need a pen, go to get one and OH! Look! There's those keys!

Watch his reaction.

Don’t just put them back and say nothing. He would continue with this shitty behaviour or the kids could be locked in. He needs to be told that power play in a relationship is NEVER tolerated.