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Original poster

Are you madly in love with your partner?

87 replies

Eucalyptus22 · 09/08/2023 13:48

Think several years after the honeymoon period is over and normal life kicks in.

Taking kids out of the equation (we don't have any) and thinking about what you owe yourself and your life.

If you don't feel madly in love should you stick it out with your very nice partner who treats you well and have a nice enough life together, or search again for that 'crazy in love' feeling? What if I thought he was the one but he's not as I'm not 😍 all the time.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm early thirties, my partner is very nice and treats me well, I'm generally happy. Should I be content with what I've got or should I be searching for something 'more'?

I just don't know if I should be expecting burning passion in my heart once the honeymoon phase is over.

Advice please?

OP posts:
ReeseWitherfork · 09/08/2023 13:51

Is there something telling you that he’s not the one? Do you want to be with him forever?

Madly in love with my husband but I wouldn’t say it was a “burning passion”. Early 30s, together 15 years.

HappyBinosaur · 09/08/2023 13:53

Yes I am but haven’t always been as we’ve had ups and down.
We’ve been married 19 years and together 25 years, since we were 18. We are very loved up now, the most affectionate we’ve ever been with other and have a very active sex life.

However, when the older children were younger he wasn’t always particularly hands on and I resented that. We also argued a lot when we were struggling with money. I also pushed him away after I became very unwell about 9 years ago (am recovered now).

It’s been a real ‘for better for worse’ journey but I don’t think I’ve ever loved him more than I do now.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 13:54

Burning passion isn't supposed to last because it's superficial. Real love is gentle. It's based on deep respect and fondness. It makes you feel secure. Burning passion doesn't not provide that.

I think you'd have to be very immature to expect that burning passion lasts for decades.

Tangerinedreams3 · 09/08/2023 13:56

Yes but he opted out and left us. Separated and divorced now.

MonkeyPuddle · 09/08/2023 13:57

I’m not, we’ve been together 10 years give it take, with 2 kids.
I love him deeply, he is an anchor of calm and safety in my life. It’s not a burning passion, it’s a deep connection, I don’t have the words to describe it, but burning passion to me feels surface level, honeymooney.
He absolutely gets my rocks off, no complaints there, but my love for him goes past that.

Todayiscool · 09/08/2023 13:57

I wouldn't say 'madly in love' - but (most of the time) I'd rather be in his company than either alone or with anyone else. And that's saying a lot, as I am naturally a bit of a lone wolf.

Even little things like, he's cleaning the kitchen, and I'm cleaning the utility room - it'd be more fun and nicer if we were in the same room.

We've been together for 15 years and are both 45.

RayofSunshine18 · 09/08/2023 13:58

I think the honeymoon phase does wear off. Its the difference between the initial 'lust' and the more trusting and deeper Love connection. I think as long as you are still in love with your partner, you shouldn't be searching for more.

If you feel you have reached more of a 'friendship zone', then perhaps you should speak to him first and see what can be done to bring the spark back into relationship. The grass is not always greener and it sounds like you have someone who cares for you and treats you well, so perhaps water that grass first before going off to find pastures new.

All of the above being said, if you have a gut feeling he isn't the one, and you do not see yourself being with him forever, then its best to let him go now to find someone who can offer him his happy ending and then you can find yours.

2PintsOfCidernaBagofCrisps · 09/08/2023 14:01

Yes. Been together just over 5 years and I still think he's just amazing. He is genuinely my best friend. There is no-one I would rather spend my time with and its reciprocated, which makes it extra lovely.

We have a nice balance of spending a lot of time together but also making time for us to do independent activities. He is a gym fiend and has done bodybuilding, which takes up a huge amount of time, at times. I have a quiet lifestyle but enjoy going out with friends or family for meals, theatre, pub etc. We don't have kids together but he has stepped into a fatherly role with my young teens. He dedicates a fair chunk of his weekend to being a football dad and helping around the house. I have a great deal of respect for him, which I think strengthens my feelings for him.

I think the best way I could sum it up is...we have fun. Whether we are out being social or sitting on the sofa together, its always fun. I'd pick doing nothing with him over doing something with anyone else.

Ghostoftomjoad · 09/08/2023 14:05

I don't believe anyone who says they're still 'madly' in love after several years together. It's not a sustainable feeling. Be aware that if you do leave him for that intoxicated, butterflies feeling that happens at the start, it will wear off again with the new bloke as well, and you'll be faced with the same decision, only new bloke might well not be as decent a man to stick with long-term, if you do decide that's what you want.
Seeing the bullshit that so many women put up with from men they were once in love with is enough to make me grateful for my very, very nice husband even if it isn't the thrill it was in the first year or so.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/08/2023 14:06

8 years in and still have the burning passion for each other, as well as the deep love. But we don't live together which I think makes a big difference.

RedRosette2023 · 09/08/2023 14:06

We’ve been together 8 years. I would say I am very much in love most of the time. We do have difficult times though.

PinkCheetah · 09/08/2023 14:08

No. Been together 9 years married for 6. I'd say I love him as someone who is my constant and family, and the father of my children. That stable, long lasting boring love. But passion is something only reserved for the honeymoon period.

JamSandle · 09/08/2023 14:08

I'm gently in love not madly.

And tbh I don't have the energy or inclination to be madly in love anymore.

Have felt that before but I don't miss it.

Original poster
Eucalyptus22 · 09/08/2023 14:13

Wow, the advice and words of wisdom on here are incredible already. An echo of the thoughts I have been weighing up in my head. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
RitzyMcFitzy · 09/08/2023 14:17

You don't need to have burning passion forever more but if you're in your early 30s, in a child free relationship and wondering 'is this it?' it's fine to leave.

NancyDrawed · 09/08/2023 14:19

No

I loved him when I married him, though.

Been together 21 years now, married for 19. 3 children, youngest is 13.

We didn't make time to put work into our relationship and as a consequence we are now co-habitees but nothing more. We spend no time together and in the evenings are in separate rooms. I still see that he is a handsome man, but I feel zero attraction towards him.
We have spoken about separating but I am mindful of the children and I foolishly gave up work to be at home for them so no longer have the financial means to go it alone. We don't have 'family money', it is very much his money. I wish I had stood up for myself a bit more in the early days of no job, but I let things slide and here we are.

It's a bit depressing reading that back!

AmazingSnakeHead · 09/08/2023 14:22

You don't need burning passion, but you do need a quiet deep adoration. You need to really really like him for who he is as a person, and not just for how he slots into your life or for the things that he brings to your joint life. You also need to feel that he feels this way about you.

For the record I got this wrong!

Thirty5 · 09/08/2023 14:23

I think if you can look at your partner and be really happy that they are the ones next to you, then that is the best sign.
Me and my DH have been together for 17 years. We had a rough year last year, lots of arguing, stress and we were close to the end, but things improved and now I just think good god I love you. We aren’t bonking 24/7 but we have a sex life we are both very happy with and enjoy being intimate. I’m sure we will encounter more hardships but he genuinely feels like my best friend

Ihatepickingausername3 · 09/08/2023 14:24

RitzyMcFitzy · 09/08/2023 14:17

You don't need to have burning passion forever more but if you're in your early 30s, in a child free relationship and wondering 'is this it?' it's fine to leave.

This

SunnyFrost · 09/08/2023 14:25

NancyDrawed · 09/08/2023 14:19

No

I loved him when I married him, though.

Been together 21 years now, married for 19. 3 children, youngest is 13.

We didn't make time to put work into our relationship and as a consequence we are now co-habitees but nothing more. We spend no time together and in the evenings are in separate rooms. I still see that he is a handsome man, but I feel zero attraction towards him.
We have spoken about separating but I am mindful of the children and I foolishly gave up work to be at home for them so no longer have the financial means to go it alone. We don't have 'family money', it is very much his money. I wish I had stood up for myself a bit more in the early days of no job, but I let things slide and here we are.

It's a bit depressing reading that back!

If you’re married it isn’t his money, it’s both of yours. You may not be able to immediately access it which I agree is an awful situation but if you divorce he can’t just take it all. Can you go back out to work now your kids are teenage?

AllOfThemWitches · 09/08/2023 14:27

I deeply love my partner of 5 years but I don't wanna jump him 24/7 anymore. Also my feelings towards him really vary based on my menstrual cycle, I've noticed.

Devilsmommy · 09/08/2023 14:33

I think the best way I could sum it up is...we have fun. Whether we are out being social or sitting on the sofa together, its always fun. I'd pick doing nothing with him over doing something with anyone else.

Definitely this sums it up perfect

Ihaveawonderfulpartner · 09/08/2023 14:33

I've been with my partner for over twelve years and we have children together and also we both had children before we met so we are a blended, busy family. He's the absolute love of my life and a wonderful father and I adore every moment we spend together. I miss him when he's at work and the best part of my day is him walking through the door when he's home. We've never argued and love each others company. He's my absolute best friend and I'm his. He's the kindest, most thoughtful, beautiful man I've ever know. Nothing is too much trouble for him. We've both been married before and recognise that we are incredibly lucky to have met when we did. He still gives me butterflies.

gwenneh · 09/08/2023 14:37

We've been together for 18 years and married almost as long - and I love him more than words can express. He is a terrific partner in all senses of the word.
It's OK to question what you have and what you want out of a relationship, particularly since you don't have children and your time is all your own.

autienotnaughti · 09/08/2023 14:41

Been together 15 years. Was madly in love for the first five years. Followed by peaks and troughs. There's been difficult times where I love him but I've struggled with the relationship due to other issues and struggles in life. Times where our sex life has dropped. The past 4 years we have stayed fairly steady in our relationship despite outside challenges. I love him very much and accept the good and bad in our relationship. We are good friends and have a good sex life. He's a lovely dad too. So im happy.