Are you madly in love with your partner?

[Eucalyptus22]

Think several years after the honeymoon period is over and normal life kicks in.

Taking kids out of the equation (we don't have any) and thinking about what you owe yourself and your life.

If you don't feel madly in love should you stick it out with your very nice partner who treats you well and have a nice enough life together, or search again for that 'crazy in love' feeling? What if I thought he was the one but he's not as I'm not 😍 all the time.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm early thirties, my partner is very nice and treats me well, I'm generally happy. Should I be content with what I've got or should I be searching for something 'more'?

I just don't know if I should be expecting burning passion in my heart once the honeymoon phase is over.

Advice please?

An extract from “Mere Christianity” by CS Lewis. This is how it is for us, and this is how I knew DH was “the one”. Married 5 years, together 15.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/803831-being-in-love-is-a-good-thing-but-it-is

22 years ago we had burning passion and it was amazing (and exhausting haha!). As time went on instead of being that very hot, (sometimes superficial) physical passion it grew into a deeper, more profoundly connected passion of the soul, rather than simply a hot body thing. Now it's even better, it's like being connected by an infinite number of shared goals, experiences (good and bad), hopes and dreams (some realised, some not), love and care, and founded on a solid mutual respect and trust. Forms of passion change over time, both with age and experience. But he is still, and always has been, the best man I've ever met. I do know how lucky I am.

I think if you move on, endlessly searching for burning, crazy in love feelings, you miss out on experiencing the more complex, profound and enduring emotions that develop over time.

Me too and it's very true. In the modern world there is too much temptation and opportunity for a long term relationship to last.

Maybe 5% of people in long term marriages (with kids) are genuinely happy. I would be surprised if it was much higher than this.

If you don't feel madly in love should you stick it out with your very nice partner who treats you well and have a nice enough life together, or search again for that 'crazy in love' feeling? What if I thought he was the one but he's not as I'm not 😍 all the time

I think what you're saying here, is that he isn't THE ONE. And that's fine. You're only young. You have time on your side, if you want to start over.

I thought my first DH was "the one", and I think he would have been, had he not broken my trust by cheating (more than once). We were together 20 years. My love turned to hate and then indifference.

Now with 2nd DH, and we have been together for 15 years. He absolutely is THE ONE for me. Feel very lucky to have found such a great love the second time around.

and yet I am one, happy in love in with my long term partner as my pp states.

But I recognise the faith and trust you need. having been in the roller Coaster relationship prior to DH, I kept tentatively handing the gun over only to be shot down.

But with DH I felt so calm and no doubts when I handed him the gun.

I felt love like I have never known for my ex husband. Together 20 years, married 13 with 2 dc. People used to tell us to "get a room", etc even after all that time. Romantic surprise trips away for our anniversary, soppy posts on social media, etc. I then found out he was having an affair.

I have been with my dp for 4 years and I love him but my experiences have changed me and I wouldn't say I have burning passion for or am madly in love with him. I'm not sure I would ever say that about anyone again because that's not important to me. We respect each other, have fun together, have a good sex life and we choose each other. That's what matters to me now.

You're looking at two extremes here. One is a boring life with someone who is just sufficient and provides a good life, the other is this romanticised "crazy in love" ideal that we're blasted at since we were children watching Disney films. It sounds like you're just another victim of this ideal that everyone has a soul mate, that everyone deserves madly-in-love relationships and overtly passionate sex. A happy healthy relationship is one where both partners understand that real life is very different. If you're genuinely happy with this person, then what's the issue? Do you feel you are comparing your relationship to those online/on TV/in films (these aren't real, remember)? Perhaps stop competing with others and put that energy into your relationship, you get out what you put in after all, and it may be unfair to your partner to expect fireworks every day because that's what we're expected to strive towards.

I adore him. But it's not the same giddy, giggly breathlessness. Because that's lust and anticipation not steady long- term love.

There is no 'one'. Only compatible people.

I think, that for the burning passion to last, you have to feel very insecure in the relationship and his love for you. Which is awful and stressful and no good.

Real lasting love isn’t burning passion, no. Sometimes it’s arguing over the bins and whose turn it is to get up with the DC in the morning. Sometimes it’s very unsexy because one of you is caring for the other while they’re ill, for example.

If you are in a relationship where you love ‘doing life’ together, he’s your best mate and makes you laugh, you have good sex (and sometimes maintenance sex and sometimes no sex at all!) he is supportive of you and your dreams and picks up your load when you need to lay it down (and you reciprocate) and you are happy most of the time - you’ve got it made, babe. Stick with it. Congratulations.

When I first met my husband, I felt physical pain when we weren't together. Over the years that feeling has settled down, I've got older as well obviously so that could just be a maturity thing too.
But the love that I feel for him now is like I'm completely bonded to him. Like even if we split up, I know I'd still be bonded to him for life because the connection runs deep. I don't think I could replicate that again if o were to start over.

I adore my husband of 25 years. Still makes me smile when I think about him when we are apart.

How much effort do you put into the marriage or are you both just coasting along?

Do you know the way you have a fire that is roaring at the beginning and it lights up the room and sparks might fly? That's the first few years.
As time goes by your fire might go out or splutter sadly along or it might settle down into red hot coals that give off real long lasting heat and a little top up of fuel every once in a while gets it going again.

So I see us at the hot coals stage. The days where we could shag six times a night are gone (as are the 6 times a week!) but the warmth, affection and respect is still very much there and every so often a date night or a bath together keeps the fire going nicely.

I still get butterflies. I still fancy him even though we are both aging visibly now. I feel loved and respected with him. I feel like I can tell him anything. He's the person I go to when I get sad news, a pay rise, or see a funny joke, and vice versa. We are 19 years in and in the calm middle years of parenting after the toddler stage but before the hormonal stage kicks in. We've faced a lot of life events good and bad but did it together.

I know one of us will mourn the other at some point by I hope by then we can say we had a good run.