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Original poster

Are you madly in love with your partner?

87 replies

Eucalyptus22 · 09/08/2023 13:48

Think several years after the honeymoon period is over and normal life kicks in.

Taking kids out of the equation (we don't have any) and thinking about what you owe yourself and your life.

If you don't feel madly in love should you stick it out with your very nice partner who treats you well and have a nice enough life together, or search again for that 'crazy in love' feeling? What if I thought he was the one but he's not as I'm not 😍 all the time.

I'm not sure what to do. I'm early thirties, my partner is very nice and treats me well, I'm generally happy. Should I be content with what I've got or should I be searching for something 'more'?

I just don't know if I should be expecting burning passion in my heart once the honeymoon phase is over.

Advice please?

OP posts:
NancyDrawed · 09/08/2023 14:47

SunnyFrost

I've been out of the industry I left for too long to return, according to the agencies I approached. And of course all life / child admin and taxiing is up to me because I don't go out to work!

It really isn't family money - I don't have access to it. I take the children away on holiday by myself and I pay for that out of my (dwindling) savings! Mainly because I want to be able to enjoy time away with them - family holidays are stressful if it's all of us.

It's a bit shit really!

Back to the OP:

I think companionship and affection are the pins in a relationship - of course passion dwindles as time goes on. But I think wanting to spend time together and being sure to make that happen is a pretty good indicator of how healthy a relationship is.

SallyWD · 09/08/2023 14:48

I think this idea of being forever madly in love with your life partner is quite a modern, westernised view. Historically (and in many countries still today) marriage was more of a pragmatic thing, finding someone suitable to raise a family with.
The "madly in love" feeling you get at the start of a relationship is mostly hormonal in my opinion and definitely dies down. I've been with DH 20 years and don't have that same feeling any more but instead I've developed a very deep, enduring love for him. I know my life is better with him and I love so much about him. I just don't want to rip his clothes off all the time!
I think it's unrealistic to expect the honeymoon period to last forever. At the same time, if you have doubts about him and feel you don't want to stay in the relationship then it's completely fine to end it.

jabberwokky · 09/08/2023 14:53

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 13:54

Burning passion isn't supposed to last because it's superficial. Real love is gentle. It's based on deep respect and fondness. It makes you feel secure. Burning passion doesn't not provide that.

I think you'd have to be very immature to expect that burning passion lasts for decades.

This. When I found my DH I felt inner peace and calm. That's what I was looking for.

Burning passion is great but it is an immature sort of love.

Original poster
Eucalyptus22 · 09/08/2023 14:57

Thank you for all being so kind and sharing an insight into your relationships.

It's helping me to see that what I'm experiencing is normal and the fact is I am happy, I do love and admire my partner and think many positive things about him, the grass isn't always greener, water the grass you have etc. I'm really resonating with what you are (mostly) all saying.

OP posts:
slowsundays · 09/08/2023 14:59

I am and I always have been, even when we've had our ups and downs. It's been fifteen years and I'm crazy about him.

From everything I've heard and read though, it's the minority experience.

Mummy08m · 09/08/2023 15:02

Definitely the inner peace and calm thing - my dh is calm like a deep lake.

But I also really fancy him physically and I think I'd get myself into trouble if I didn't because I could start fancying someone else. I don't know if you call that a burning passion - smouldering maybe?

I've been with him for 13 years but I'm only 34 so still young if relevant. I still definitely have an eye for a handsome man and wouldn't be able to settle down with a man I wasn't very, very attracted to. Maybe it would be less important if I was in my 60s or something (I don't know, just speculation).

mistermagpie · 09/08/2023 15:12

Aquamarine1029 · 09/08/2023 13:54

Burning passion isn't supposed to last because it's superficial. Real love is gentle. It's based on deep respect and fondness. It makes you feel secure. Burning passion doesn't not provide that.

I think you'd have to be very immature to expect that burning passion lasts for decades.

This, really.

I have a deep love and respect for my husband, I think he's lovely and I'm proud of him and find him attractive, but it's not some sort of dramatic passionate thing after years together and three children. I think this is normal.

FindMeAttractiveDoYou · 09/08/2023 16:52

No but I care more about money so it's all good.

RitzyMcFitzy · 09/08/2023 17:01

Just think carefully before you have kids with someone you seem a bit lukewarm on.

You see threads on MN all the time from women who are bored to tears by their partner. But they have two kids together. Less disruption to fewer lives if you realise that pre-kids.

Toomanysquishmallows · 09/08/2023 18:14

I’ve been with my partner 20 years, we are still madly in love , like teenagers, I think we are fairly lucky .

guineacup · 09/08/2023 19:12

Toomanysquishmallows · 09/08/2023 18:14

I’ve been with my partner 20 years, we are still madly in love , like teenagers, I think we are fairly lucky .

That's good if it works for you, but I really wouldn't want the "madness" of love to last a lifetime! It would be exhausting and overwhelming to feel like a hormonal teenager the whole time! It would feel like my identify had been lost and completely subsumed by someone else - that's not something I'd want!

guineacup · 09/08/2023 19:13

Toomanysquishmallows · 09/08/2023 18:14

I’ve been with my partner 20 years, we are still madly in love , like teenagers, I think we are fairly lucky .

So for me, your experience sounds more like purgatory than being lucky or something to aspire to.

SmileyClare · 09/08/2023 19:21

You haven’t mentioned anything about your sex life op? Do you still find him sexually attractive? To me that’s really important.

SmileyClare · 09/08/2023 19:23

guineacup · 09/08/2023 19:12

That's good if it works for you, but I really wouldn't want the "madness" of love to last a lifetime! It would be exhausting and overwhelming to feel like a hormonal teenager the whole time! It would feel like my identify had been lost and completely subsumed by someone else - that's not something I'd want!

Show quote history

I agree 😂

In a long term relationship I think a deeper love develops where you know each other inside out, understand and trust each other and can sit comfortably in silence together !

Fizzology · 09/08/2023 19:36

You can chase that madly-in-love feeling if you want to, across numerous partners. It's not consistent with a committed, longterm relationship, though. In each new relationship, it will bloom and fade.

One life is not better than the other; it's about knowing what you want. Plenty of people never settle down, and they prefer it that way.

weegiemum · 09/08/2023 19:48

I still adore my husband, for the person he is, for the way he makes me feel, for our commitment to each other. We've been together for 33 years , married for 29 (got together at 19), and while it's not crazy rip your clothes off as it was in the beginning, it's still pretty goodGrin. We're in our early 50s now with 3 pretty much grown up children and are starting to rediscover being just the 3 of us after over 20 years of child-rearing, and we're really enjoying it!

weegiemum · 09/08/2023 19:49

Just the 2 of us!!! Oops!Blush

Kishe · 09/08/2023 20:29

I think my love for him is stronger than his is for me.

Atalanta1 · 09/08/2023 21:53

I adore my DP, it’s developed into something deeper every day but the passion from the beginning is still there years later for us both. We met later in life and neither of us were expecting to ever feel like this. I would also say though that even at the very beginning it wasn’t only passionate love but a connection, a gentle ‘ahhhh this, this is it’.

fivelilducks · 09/08/2023 22:17

The madly in love feeling is only there due to hormones, it will fade out with any partner you're with, due to biology.

SmileyClare · 09/08/2023 22:22

I think in most long term relationships you do move past wanting to spend every minute with a partner, you don’t want to be constantly in touch (physically or emotionally) That would be what I would describe as “madly in love” as in you can’t get them out of your mind, you’re in a bubble almost?

Sometimes my partner annoys the shit out of me. There are times when I don’t like him!
I always feel like I’m “home” when I’m with him if that doesn’t sound too cheesy. We have a shared history, life experience that’s given us a deep understanding and mutual respect of each other I suppose

I think it’s healthy to move past that first love stage and have pursuits/ friends separately from each other.

Im always a bit skeptical of people claiming “we can’t keep our hands off each other after 20 years..he still gives me butterflies” It sounds suffocating.

PeggyPoggle · 09/08/2023 22:24

If you've been together a while it's normal for the 'madly in love' feeling to fade.
I remember when me and DH were dating and I'd get butterflies seeing him roll up outside my house to pick me up.

We've been together 15 years now. We've lived together 13 of those. He takes a shit while I have a shower. We're so comfortable around each other now it's not really possible to still have that excited fluttery feeling you had in the beginning. It changes because you're so familiar with each other.

I've had the 'is this it' feeling though. I don't think that's necessarily a relationship issue. It's just you get into monotonous routines and the relationship changes into something much more long term, which takes away a little bit of excitement.
When it happened to me I threw myself into new hobbies, passions, booked a couple of holidays just to jazz my life up a bit.

PeggyPoggle · 09/08/2023 22:25

@SmileyClare cross posted a bit there but I 100% agree with everything you've said. We are very similar.

2023issucky · 09/08/2023 22:28

Been together 24 years, married for 22. I do love him and somedays I feel madly in love. Most days I fancy the pants off him still but there have been points in our marriage when it feels like life is just hard and boring. We have been though some very tough times and we have 2 lovely kids, and now we are starting to find us again. Life isn't always flowers and love hearts but he is my best friend and my rock.

Kowaii · 09/08/2023 22:29

Yes I am. Not all the time, but about 95% of the time. He is my absolute soul mate and my best friend. I couldn’t imagine living without him tbh.

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