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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband on Sex Site

85 replies

Elzibells · 08/08/2023 21:53

I have discovered an account for my husband on a sex site. The account has been open for a short amount of time. It is 100% him. It is quite clear from the profile he is after sex. I do not think anything has occurred yet, it appears to be just a profile. We have been together 9 years, married for 5 years and have a toddler. Our relationship has not been prioritised since the baby came, sex is rare but neither of us has made much effort in that department. Neither of us had ever had particularly high sex drives in the past. I'm just looking for a general opinion on what others would do as I have no one to confide in, it's consuming me. Would you confront him now or get more evidence? Would you set up a profile yourself and message him? Or wait and see what happens? Is it just as bad/deceitful if I set up a profile and 'honeytrap' him? TIA

OP posts:
Cakeandcoffee93 · 08/08/2023 21:56

I’m thinking you meet him at the hotel.
if he turns up then yeah that’s it
or you confront him now
before he does anything he will regret,
sounds like you both still need to figure this out together
communicate

Cakeandcoffee93 · 08/08/2023 21:58

At the end of the day he has needs , you don’t know what he’s feeling but men do have needs as do women.
some need intimacy etc
maybe it’s his first stupid mistake and he’s desperate
maybe it’s unforgivable he’s considering this or it’s a turning point and you can work through this together.
you have babies but sounds like you need some quality intimate time- date nights
before sex etc
Time to fall in love again

Circumferences · 08/08/2023 22:01

"Men have needs" 🤣😭🤣😂
That's the stupidest thing I've read on Mumsnet today.

Yes men have needs. They need to have loyal fathers who don't shag around and wreck their entire family when they were children.

Men need to be responsible. Not fucking slags.

becauseicanthatswhy · 08/08/2023 22:02

How have you managed to find this? What made you suspect this and go checking!
I'd be livid. Absolutely livid!

Circumferences · 08/08/2023 22:03

He can't cope with the responsibility of fatherhood so he's looking elsewhere. He's a lazy untrustworthy manchild.
I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

TheShellBeach · 08/08/2023 22:07

Cakeandcoffee93 · 08/08/2023 21:58

At the end of the day he has needs , you don’t know what he’s feeling but men do have needs as do women.
some need intimacy etc
maybe it’s his first stupid mistake and he’s desperate
maybe it’s unforgivable he’s considering this or it’s a turning point and you can work through this together.
you have babies but sounds like you need some quality intimate time- date nights
before sex etc
Time to fall in love again

I think it's actually time to confront the cheating so-and-so.
"Men have needs" my arse.

YoSof · 08/08/2023 22:09

I would have to set up a profile and arrange to meet.

Otherwise he’ll say he was just looking, he was never going to do anything.

What a fucking scumbag.

Tempone · 08/08/2023 22:09

What the fuck did I just read?? My eyes?? My eyes??

At the end of the day he has needs , you don’t know what he’s feeling but men do have needs as do women.
some need intimacy etc
maybe it’s his first stupid mistake and he’s desperate
maybe it’s unforgivable he’s considering this or it’s a turning point and you can work through this together.
you have babies but sounds like you need some quality intimate time- date nights
before sex etc
Time to fall in love again

Solsticesummer · 08/08/2023 22:15

What kind of sex site is it? How much info is on his profile? I ask this because if it’s a porn site he might had had to set up a basic account to just watch and save videos, and therefore hopefully isn’t in it to meet people. If it looks more like he’s actively trying to meet someone then I’d probably try to gather a little more evidence but I know my rage would also impatiently confront straight away.

Sorry OP, I’ve had a similar experience and it’s not easy, a part of me does regret not gathering more evidence at the time as DH I feel didn’t confess to everything.

Ilikejamtarts · 08/08/2023 22:16

YoSof · 08/08/2023 22:09

I would have to set up a profile and arrange to meet.

Otherwise he’ll say he was just looking, he was never going to do anything.

What a fucking scumbag.

I think I'd have to do the same as well, for the exact same reason. When confronted he will likely say and do anything to save his own skin and play the victim with some self pity. Fully catch him out and there's no hiding from that.

BananaSmoothie1 · 08/08/2023 22:18

You have all the proof you need, you don’t need anymore. You can say you’ve caught him on this and he can’t get out of it. Don’t be fooled if he says he’s on it ‘just to look’ or some other statement to try and paint over the fact that he’s actively looking for sex outside of his marriage.

Hawkins009 · 08/08/2023 22:19

Honeytrap is best method on this one.
Those sparrows are quite tricky at times.

Lightningspeed · 08/08/2023 22:21

I think I would have to set up an account and message him. Maybe put your replies through chatgpt so he doesn't recognise you.

Cupcakekiller · 08/08/2023 22:24

What do you need evidence of? The existence of the profile is enough.

Deargodletitgo · 08/08/2023 22:26

Is it fabswingers?

He's unlikely to meet any women unless he's gods gift or hung like a horse.

His ego will be bruised and dump his arse.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 22:27

Look at my comments on the recent 'he robbed me of a third child ' threads as I think they apply here too (although everyone on that thread strongly disagrees with me...£

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 22:28

Although I would be very tempted to catfish and see what happens...

TheAverageJoanne · 08/08/2023 22:29

YoSof · 08/08/2023 22:09

I would have to set up a profile and arrange to meet.

Otherwise he’ll say he was just looking, he was never going to do anything.

What a fucking scumbag.

If you like piña coladas
And gettin' caught in the rain
If you're not into yoga
If you have half a brain
If you like makin' love at midnight
In the dunes on the cape
Then I'm the love that you've looked for
Write to me and escape

HoodedLidsBeGone · 08/08/2023 22:32

Head him off at the pass now before he arranges to meet someone, even you. Stop the fantasy in its tracks. Tell him straight that you have found his account and you need to discuss this with him. Ask him to think about what his life will look like in 6 months/1 year with both options open to him. Firstly, he deletes the account, turns into his marriage and you work together. Don't play games. He has set up the profile if that is the deal breaker for you then you don't need any more proof of anything.

Secondly, you file for divorce, the house and all assets get divided including things like pensions. How will he work the 50/50 split for his child with his work commitments? If it is less than 50/50 does he realise how much this will cost him in child maintenance? How much of a house/flat can he afford on his single salary with a dependent? How will you split holidays and Christmas etc. In his fantasy none of these considerations have taken place. I had a friend who was considering divorce and I laid out all the above to her, think ahead, not just about the now and the thrill of someone else.

Nelly10 · 08/08/2023 22:35

Men have needs!

Jesus H Christ! Reached a new level here…that’s fine then go get some sex off a sex site.

No wonder families are screwed up with this attitude.

Hawkins009 · 08/08/2023 22:37

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

TinyKittenPaw · 08/08/2023 22:42

I think you have two options.

Confront him now - he will 100% say he would never have done anything just curious / drunk etc.

Arrange to meet or ask a friend too, then leave him.

He is likely to only admit to what he has been caught doing and minimise anything you find, so option 2 might be the only real way you get to the truth.

GentlemanJay · 08/08/2023 22:44

Deargodletitgo · 08/08/2023 22:26

Is it fabswingers?

He's unlikely to meet any women unless he's gods gift or hung like a horse.

His ego will be bruised and dump his arse.

I do ok there. I'm neither hung like a horse or gods gift to women lol.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/08/2023 22:44

Cakeandcoffee93 · 08/08/2023 21:58

At the end of the day he has needs , you don’t know what he’s feeling but men do have needs as do women.
some need intimacy etc
maybe it’s his first stupid mistake and he’s desperate
maybe it’s unforgivable he’s considering this or it’s a turning point and you can work through this together.
you have babies but sounds like you need some quality intimate time- date nights
before sex etc
Time to fall in love again

It’s quite hard to “fall in love” with someone who does such deeply unattractive things.

Seaoftroubles · 08/08/2023 23:17

There's some very odd replies on this thread. OP, you have seen the evidence, that's all you need. Take screenshots, tell him you know and ask him to leave. Don't honey trap him or play games, keep your dignity.