Husband on Sex Site

[Elzibells]

I have discovered an account for my husband on a sex site. The account has been open for a short amount of time. It is 100% him. It is quite clear from the profile he is after sex. I do not think anything has occurred yet, it appears to be just a profile. We have been together 9 years, married for 5 years and have a toddler. Our relationship has not been prioritised since the baby came, sex is rare but neither of us has made much effort in that department. Neither of us had ever had particularly high sex drives in the past. I'm just looking for a general opinion on what others would do as I have no one to confide in, it's consuming me. Would you confront him now or get more evidence? Would you set up a profile yourself and message him? Or wait and see what happens? Is it just as bad/deceitful if I set up a profile and 'honeytrap' him? TIA

What additional evidence do you need, he wants to fuck someone other that you?
If you do want more evidence why are you umming and aaaring about paying a subscription fee? Do you think he ummed and arred when he joined?

Inadvertently came across his emails on our shared laptop with a username for the site. I purely set up the profile to see what sort of content was on the site and investigate his profile x

It's true men have needs but those are supposed to be met with your partner. Failing that if it's lacking at the moment, you have the safe and logical solution to meet those needs that doesn't involve cheating.

So my view if I needed to fulfill my needs and couldn't with my partner I would do the latter untill they were ready.

Going to the lengths of creating a profile that means one thing and one thing only.

Save yourself the hassle and confront him about it, the profile is enough on it's own it didn't make itself.

Good point. I'm all over the place with my thoughts, just trying to get them in some sort of order by speaking on here.
We have a young family, I'm financially dependent on him atm, I'm trying to comprehend how the person I thought I knew has this alien side to them, there is alot at stake here.

I don't want to impulsively react, I need to be confident and resolute in my reaction when I confront him. Also weighing up the danger he might just get more secretive and my chance to discover potential truth will be gone, if I even need to do that, perhaps I have all the information I need rn. I appreciate all the replies but the fact I'm even on here discussing this is lonely, stressful and sad.

Wow only 2 posts in for the male apologists to arrive. The Kool Wives Klaxon Mia t have gone off like a rocket.

Makes me sick. Men have needs? How about the need to respect and honour his wife, the mother of his child?

Strictly speaking you don't need to - because the intent is clearly there on his part - but if you want to, you could certainly catfish him and see what he does.

But the fact that, while you gave small kids (which is a time when most people's sex lives take a bit of a dive) .. he goes looking for a sexual partner online, without even talking to you or trying to resolve/improve the issue. He's willing, in theory to risk your health, betray you etc. If you confront him he'll use the "just looking" line.

If you can't fish him and he responds, sexts, looks like he'll set up a meeting etc. What are you going to do?

If it's leave .... You'd need to know what you're going to do/how you're going to manage. Universal credit? Part Time work (you can get 85% of child paid, up to a cap, if you receive any UC, rent? What would you get in a y divorce settlement? Etc etc .

Maybe get your ducks in a row before you cat fish him and confirm he's a cheater and you're stuck having to leave without knowing what your plan is, and how you'll cope financially etc..

But, it is enough ok it's own tbh.
If you were caught doing it, do you think he'd stick around?

Or maybe you don't even have to cat fish him (yet) but just monitor what he's doing. How often he's logging on etc.

The thing is, even if he doesnt appear to do anything and peters out in teens of logging on the site etc ... That could just be lack of opportunity, rather than regret/lack of enthusiasm/"just looking" etc.

*terms, not teens

You know what you need to know. Very likely he will say it was ‘curiosity’ or ‘boredom’ or worse make you feel like the cause and say he was ‘frustrated’. But at the end of the day that’s not what a married person does when curious or bored or frustrated. Whether he has cheated or not, it was his intention to do so and you will spend weeks…months…years…checking up on him. Get your ducks in a row. Confront if you need to, but know he may not be the type to break down sobbing and confess all. This has happened to me and it’s shocking. The shock can sometimes stop you from doing what you know you need to do. In my case, a very protracted investigation by me with continued lying by him has ended with him in therapy for sexual compulsion and me feeling like my life is a lie. Run.

He has "needs" all right - he needs a damn good kick up the arse!

Wtf 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

If he is willing to be honest, please consider joint marriage counselling - it is possible he has not yet even been unfaithful, which may make it easier for you to agree to stay together if you want to.

I do know marriages that have ended up stronger after counselling, where one partner had had affairs.

If he is not truly willing to be honest though, faithful or not right now, I would prepare to leave as I think he will take this further at some point.

Comments here are normalising toxic relationships talking about "trapping him" or giving ultimatums. Perhaps a civilised ADULT conversation is needed, not the teenage-drama-causing crap some of the people here are advocating. Maybe see this as an opportunity to watch some content together and bring a bit of flair back into your sex life, which sounds like its not much fun for either of you at the moment. If he likes the idea of talking to someone "anonymous", and you're not ready to bring it physically into the bedroom, discuss setting yourself up an email address with a pseudonym where you can both enjoy some dirty talk, fantasies etc. This allows him to fulfill his fantasy, while including you and maybe even learning something new about each other. When you're both ready, you can take it to the bedroom. Situations like this don't always have to be some blown up confrontation, but an opportunity to grow as a couple. Best of luck!

@Deargodletitgo I've shagged men of there years ago. I don't think most even have many pics up.

@Elzibells I think the trying to meet him might be a good idea.

you have seen the evidence, that's all you need. Take screenshots, tell him you know and ask him to leave. Don't honey trap him or play games, keep your dignity.

@Seaoftroubles At this point, he'll just minimize it though.

It really doesn't matter if he minimises. You know what you know OP, he is on a sex site, his intention is clear. Don't waste your energy by cat fishing or trying to trap him, your trust is now broken. I would be seeing a solicitor to work out where l stood. As for 'men have needs', well, so do women, and it doesn't include a cheating partner.

Lol at seeing cheating as an opportunity to watch some "content" and revive your sex life and have dialogue (dialogue he couldv've had with you before going onto sites trying to find a fuck buddy) There are you ladies; catch your partner trying to cheat while you e got young children; watch porn with him and have some "constructive" conversations.

I'm sure he'd be doing that if he found you searching for alternative cock online.

I think you should honey trap him if you have the stomach for it.

If you confront him with what you currently have he'll a hundred percent lie.

Unless what you have is enough for you to end it - which is more than fair enough.

Sorry, its shit. You're far from alone in this - sadly!

@TheoTheopolis23 yes I had a chuckle at that one too. Some peoples standards are quite incredible .

Fucking hell the person who said to see this an “an opportunity” and to watch some porn together has a strange view of the world.

OP I think you should set up a fake profile, just so you don’t have any nagging doubts.

I've found my H searching for local sex provision. He doesn't realise his google account is linked to another device in the house which I use. I found all of this a few weeks ago and like you @Elzibells I'm waiting to gather more evidence. I still find myself wondering if it's all a big misunderstanding, but they are definite searches, and he's been on there a lot while me and the kids have been on holiday.......What a charmer, eh. I'm just biding my time and working out when and how to tell him to leave. I know I need to confront him (calmly) but I also know he'll have all the excuses in the world as to why he's looking, and that it'll be my fault for driving him to it. But enough is enough and this is my way out at last. How do you feel towards him? Is it recoverable, or does this change everything for you? Good luck, it's not easy to deal with

Sometimes men go on these sites out of curiosity. To see if the recognise anyone . It's just wanking fodder , they know the chances of hooking up on these sites are remote . If women wanted sex they would not go on theses sites . A woman can go out on a Saturday night and get laid if she wants to . We hold all the cards .

Just to make you aware @Elzibells , it is possible (or at least used to be) to sign up to Adult Friend Finder without signing up to Adult friend finder.

About 10 years ago I signed up to what I thought was a porn site. URL was different to AFF, it made no mention of being a hookup site, just presented itself as a normal porn site, not even camgirls or anything like that.

Email address goes in and next thing I know I'm on AFF and it's trying to get me to create a profile. Got emails off them for months until they finally unsubscribed me.

I don't know if this is still the case or what, but just wanted to let you know it was a possibility.

I've got reason to believe he might be on Tinder after some investigation. Can anyone tell me if it is possible to a) search the app for particular people/users by username and b) freely message them if you are not a match?
Is it a hookup or just dating site? Are subscriptions required to view or access profiles? TIA x

It is location based though so if you were in close proximity it is more likely you'd match. Depending on what he put i.e. age range.

I can't remember if messaging is subscription only

50% of men on Tinder are cheating, there was some research on that. The rest...lots of people just out of relationships, people just looking for fun and nothing serious, a few people who are trying to genuinely meet someone (but also wouldn't say no to just fun)

He was already out looking for sex at the beginning of the month on any other site. Why are you faffing around playing detective when the writing is on the wall?
Get some self respect and confront him.