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Original poster

Husband on Sex Site

85 replies

Elzibells · 08/08/2023 21:53

I have discovered an account for my husband on a sex site. The account has been open for a short amount of time. It is 100% him. It is quite clear from the profile he is after sex. I do not think anything has occurred yet, it appears to be just a profile. We have been together 9 years, married for 5 years and have a toddler. Our relationship has not been prioritised since the baby came, sex is rare but neither of us has made much effort in that department. Neither of us had ever had particularly high sex drives in the past. I'm just looking for a general opinion on what others would do as I have no one to confide in, it's consuming me. Would you confront him now or get more evidence? Would you set up a profile yourself and message him? Or wait and see what happens? Is it just as bad/deceitful if I set up a profile and 'honeytrap' him? TIA

OP posts:
Ffsjustltb · 08/08/2023 23:27

There's some very odd replies on this thread.
Yes. Putting the word 'sex' in the title brings all the lurking men out.

Original poster
Elzibells · 09/08/2023 00:44

Thanks all, got so much to think about. It was Adult Friend Finder. I've set up an account to have a look around, quite obviously a sex site. You have to pay to see more of a profile or message, not sure what to do. I'm just very hurt, feel betrayed, completely undesirable, and the worst bit is having to hide all this pain. Really helps talking on here.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 09/08/2023 02:17

I’m so sorry that your H has betrayed and humiliated you, @Elzibells.

I agree with @Seaoftroubles. H’s composing and submitting a profile in search of illicit sex would be all I needed to know. His intent speaks volumes. He opted out of the ethical choice of addressing any issues and working on them with you. Instead, he felt entitled to unilaterally change the monogamous parameters of your marriage to pursue cheap thrills.

My trust and respect would be plummeting to zero, so it would be game over.

ArcticSkewer · 09/08/2023 02:38

That's very sad..I'm sorry.

How did you find out? Were you suspicious and went looking or did you stumble across it? I wondered if this is something that changed in his behaviour recently or not. Do you think this is the first time?

I think I might be tempted to monitor just in case it was a moment of madness or just a way to have a wank while pretending to be with someone new, but that's probably wishful thinking. Maybe a confrontation and some marriage counselling might be better - things might still be salvageable

LifeExperience · 09/08/2023 02:57

Why do you have to hide your pain? And where's your anger? There is no morally justifiable reason, none whatsoever, for him to be on a sex site.

Wren17 · 09/08/2023 03:33

I found 2 profiles of my now ex husband on my laptop. I confronted him immediately and he laughed it off, said “I was only on there for a laugh”.
I had checked out of the marriage so I could care less. I just walked away and wished he’d just piss off…

Keep in mind this plan is subject to where you are emotionally in the marriage - are you ready to go? Safe, have money ect ect. You have uncapped potential here, so think carefully.
He won’t change okay. Most men will deny, deny, deny. He will not change. He will do it again. Most men will, if they think they will get away with it. It’s a fuck to them. That’s all.

Get him to the point where he cannot deny it.
Play the game. Set up a profile. Be a little different than who you are. Doesn’t have to be long and drawn out, but get sone chat happening quickly. Send him nudes. Be the biggest whore you were always too scared to be. Don’t hold back. Make sure you are saving copies of all correspondence. Keep it safe.
Then meet him at the hotel. Get some friends on board. Buy a cheap body cam.

Then you pick yourself right up and go heal. And then you’ll get through it (we all do it takes time and I’ll admit it’s tough)
Men want a Mother they can fuck. That’s essentially what they want. We will always be looked upon as good for a root. Show him he should have had more respect for you!
Don’t with a bloke who thinks it’s okay to love like that. Arsehole. Do it. Find the strength. You’ve got it. We all do. Show him who he has just fucked over. You can do it. Let us know how you go.

I was married 26 years and manipulated and abused for 16 of those years by a sociopath. It took a long time for me to get my ex out. He got extremely violent towards the end and did some things that I never ever thought I would experience in my life (and I’m no princess I can assure you)
a bottle of vodka a day for 5 years. 3 lots of criminal charges. Infidelity. Drug use. Physical abuse, smashed cars, drunk driving and assault/intimidate/AVO breaches 2 years in rehab because he couldn’t come home (he still drinks and lies) and what he did to my grown up kids was the thing that finished it.
it’s been rough. But I’m better than him. By far.

Shoxfordian · 09/08/2023 05:00

Take a screenshot and divorce him

StopStartStop · 09/08/2023 05:08

At the end of the day he has needs , you don’t know what he’s feeling but men do have needs
Oh, hello 1970. Surprised to see you back again.

MsDogLady · 09/08/2023 06:01

@Elzibells, how would he feel if you had set up a profile to look for casual hook-ups? How would he feel if your DD was humiliated like this in her future relationships?

honeyandfizz · 09/08/2023 06:32

Cupcakekiller · 08/08/2023 22:24

What do you need evidence of? The existence of the profile is enough.

Exactly this. I found my STBXH had signed himself up to a dating website last year and despite giving it another go the marriage is now over. I no longer trust him and he has shown me who he really is - somebody capable of cheating so it is a no go for me. I feel so free now and joyous to be out of a marriage where I am second guessing him.

tictactoe1234 · 09/08/2023 06:58

You were on a sex site and found your husband's profile?

Masterofhappydays · 09/08/2023 07:21

Cakeandcoffee93 · 08/08/2023 21:58

At the end of the day he has needs , you don’t know what he’s feeling but men do have needs as do women.
some need intimacy etc
maybe it’s his first stupid mistake and he’s desperate
maybe it’s unforgivable he’s considering this or it’s a turning point and you can work through this together.
you have babies but sounds like you need some quality intimate time- date nights
before sex etc
Time to fall in love again

Yes, you’re quite correct. Men do have needs. These are oxygen, water, nutrition, shelter and clothing.
The same needs as women.
What’s your point?

SpringleDingle · 09/08/2023 07:30

That would breach one of my core boundaries so I’d end the relationship. No need to muck about trying to catfish the creep, just divorce him.

NCsplit · 09/08/2023 10:37

OP, I have a profile on AFF. Women get different privileges on there, you can reply to any messages you get sent, without paying. You still won't be able to see many profiles without subscribing though. If you want to honeytrap him, you might need to upload a profile pic of some sort, as you can change your search settings to only show profiles with pictures.

Crikeyalmighty · 09/08/2023 10:42

Men don't have needs, they have wants- if he wants more sex then he needs to have a conversation about it with you or wank- what he doesn't 'need' is to be joining no strings sex sites- that's a want!

Original poster
Elzibells · 09/08/2023 12:01

NCsplit · 09/08/2023 10:37

OP, I have a profile on AFF. Women get different privileges on there, you can reply to any messages you get sent, without paying. You still won't be able to see many profiles without subscribing though. If you want to honeytrap him, you might need to upload a profile pic of some sort, as you can change your search settings to only show profiles with pictures.

Thanks for this info. I'm having a moral dilemma here (I'm a very honest and loyal person) but ultimately I feel I need to see how far he would actually take this. Was it set up for titillation and attention or something more? Either way, there will be serious consequences for our relationship. If I pay for just one month, will it let me message and see a full profile? Or will it keep asking for more and more money to get more access? It says he hasn't been on since the account was set up. If I send him a message how will he be notified? TIA x

OP posts:
glasgowlass · 09/08/2023 12:07

Cakeandcoffee93 · 08/08/2023 21:58

At the end of the day he has needs , you don’t know what he’s feeling but men do have needs as do women.
some need intimacy etc
maybe it’s his first stupid mistake and he’s desperate
maybe it’s unforgivable he’s considering this or it’s a turning point and you can work through this together.
you have babies but sounds like you need some quality intimate time- date nights
before sex etc
Time to fall in love again

Oh ffs.

In the history of bad takeaway, this is right up there.

OP, I'm so very sorry you're going through this.
He knew what he was signing up for so don't listen to any excuses of "I was just looking" etc.
I've been there & you have my full sympathies.

GoingInsaneAhhh · 09/08/2023 12:27

Shoxfordian · 09/08/2023 05:00

Take a screenshot and divorce him

This

JennyBeBad · 09/08/2023 12:37

Why do you want evidence? Have you not made up your mind on whether you want to divorce or not?

JennyBeBad · 09/08/2023 12:37

Even if he doesn't take it far with you because of cold feet or just not liking your fake profile that much, he might take it further with someone else or at a later stage. I think it's making you go crazy.

FartSock5000 · 09/08/2023 15:16

@Elzibells so your DH is a lying cheat. That is a fact.

Where is the line for you? Does he have to have his cock in another woman before you stand up for yourself and give him the boot?

Signing up to a site to meet up with other woman for sex IS cheating.

Kick him out. He has already mentally checked out. He wants to shag around. The only thing stopping him is nothing. He's going to do it. Don't facilitate it by letting him have a happy wee home to come back to afterwards. He should lose that at least for what he is doing and about to do!

You deserve to be with a man who adores you and is an equal partner. Don't accept this. Have higher standards and if you decide you want to give him a second change, make sure he has moved out so you have space to heal and that he is working with you in therapy to unpack why he thought it would be great to lie and cheat. Don't just take his pathetic "im sorry" or the usual blaming you.

You don't need evidence. The intent is there and he cheated the moment he signed up for the account. Get angry, stand up for yourself!

TheoTheopolis23 · 09/08/2023 15:30

Stop the fantasy in its tracks.

Who knew a poster on MN is inside op's h's head and can tell us this is only a "fantasy".

How tf would you know if it's a fantasy or if he'd meet someone if he got the chance?
It's intent.

TheoTheopolis23 · 09/08/2023 15:32

He doesn't appear to have made any attempt to discuss any unhappiness with lack of sex before doing this. Nor made any efforts that have been knocked back. Seems like just a other common garden entitled cheater.

NCsplit · 09/08/2023 16:02

Elzibells · 09/08/2023 12:01

Thanks for this info. I'm having a moral dilemma here (I'm a very honest and loyal person) but ultimately I feel I need to see how far he would actually take this. Was it set up for titillation and attention or something more? Either way, there will be serious consequences for our relationship. If I pay for just one month, will it let me message and see a full profile? Or will it keep asking for more and more money to get more access? It says he hasn't been on since the account was set up. If I send him a message how will he be notified? TIA x

Show quote history

If you pay for one month you'll be able to see profiles and send messages without needing to pay more. He might get an email to say he has messages waiting, but he might have switched those notifications off, in which case he won't know you've messaged him until he signs in again. I would be inclined to wait and see if he signs back in before forking out for membership - no point if he's not going to come back online. Does he have Gold (paid-for) membership? That might give you a clue as to the likelihood of him signing in again.

But regardless of whether he comes back or not, the point is that he still set up an account on a hook-up website, which I can tell you is full of cheaters and married people looking for a bit on the side. And yes it may be for attention/titillation, or it may be to meet people, but either way it's not fucking on.

Mummybearsporridge · 09/08/2023 16:32

How did you discover his profile? If you set up a profile will this give him 'proof' that you are also cheating? Not saying you are at all btw just may be something he would think x