Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No more children

91 replies

toots123 · 08/08/2023 19:43

After our youngest child was born DH arranged to have the snip.

He knew I wasn't finished having children but he was and decided to make sure we didn't have an unplanned pregnancy.

That was 3.5 years ago and I'm still left heartbroken. I find it hard visiting new babies, I cant even answer if anyone asks me if I'll have any more children and I'm generally not sure how I can move on

He took the full decision into his hands so not only can we have no more kids, I didnt even have any part of the decision.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or can offer advice?

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/08/2023 19:46

In the kindest way, you have no say in what he does with his own body. He didn't want any more children so took the responsible step to ensure that he doesn't create any more. You choices are then to stay and accept, or leave.

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 19:47

How many DC do you have?

If someone doesn’t want children they are the ones to take responsibility

frootito · 08/08/2023 19:47

How many children do you have OP?

Generally I think the partner who doesn't want more kids is the one who decides but that's not to say it's not really painful for you.

I think the answer is probably therapy and focus on what you have.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/08/2023 19:50

It's excellent that your husband is mature enough to be sensible and take responsibility for his own reproductive health.

You are very fortunate that you were able to have multiple children. We can't always get everything we want, so we have to be grateful for what we have.

drpet49 · 08/08/2023 19:57

“That was 3.5 years ago and I'm still left heartbroken. I find it hard visiting new babies, I cant even answer if anyone asks me if I'll have any more children and I'm generally not sure how I can move on”

^Get some professional counselling for goodness sake.

Kmwa · 08/08/2023 20:01

I must be the only one that thinks his decision was somewhat selfish 😬 I understand he was responsible and mature having the procedure done, but I can't help but think it was selfish that he did not discuss this with his wife. Did he consider how the decision he was making for his life, is also a decision he has made for your life too. If you are married and he new you wanted more children, this should be a decision that you both made together, even if the outcome was the same. He should have definitely discussed this with you and considered you wants/needs in life too. But that's just my opinion which seems to be different than everyone else's.

ShreddiesGirl · 08/08/2023 20:04

Sensible man. Nobody should ever be forced to have more children if they don't want to.

Were you intending to have an unplanned pregnancy?

Soapboxqueen · 08/08/2023 20:07

It's his body and his choice but I'd be very upset if my dh went ahead and did that without even discussing it with me first.

Doesn't mean the outcome would change but it should be discussed.

SemperIdem · 08/08/2023 20:07

Kmwa · 08/08/2023 20:01

I must be the only one that thinks his decision was somewhat selfish 😬 I understand he was responsible and mature having the procedure done, but I can't help but think it was selfish that he did not discuss this with his wife. Did he consider how the decision he was making for his life, is also a decision he has made for your life too. If you are married and he new you wanted more children, this should be a decision that you both made together, even if the outcome was the same. He should have definitely discussed this with you and considered you wants/needs in life too. But that's just my opinion which seems to be different than everyone else's.

No more selfish than a woman choosing to have an IUD etc

SemperIdem · 08/08/2023 20:08

I think counselling would serve you well. It’s been years, ultimately the partner who doesn’t want more children is the deciding one.

gwenneh · 08/08/2023 20:09

If you are married and he new you wanted more children, this should be a decision that you both made together

No. She doesn't get a say in what he does with his body. That's not a joint decision.

millymollymoomoo · 08/08/2023 20:10

I don’t agree with other posters entirely

while I get it’s fair that one parent doesn’t want more, I think these things should be talked about and discussed with your partner and wife and her feelings and wishes considered rather than just unilaterally going ahead with something they don’t want. You should take tine to consider and be certain that as a couple it’s the right decision.

i’m not sure I’d forgive that tbh

LawnmowerBlues · 08/08/2023 20:12

Kmwa · 08/08/2023 20:01

I must be the only one that thinks his decision was somewhat selfish 😬 I understand he was responsible and mature having the procedure done, but I can't help but think it was selfish that he did not discuss this with his wife. Did he consider how the decision he was making for his life, is also a decision he has made for your life too. If you are married and he new you wanted more children, this should be a decision that you both made together, even if the outcome was the same. He should have definitely discussed this with you and considered you wants/needs in life too. But that's just my opinion which seems to be different than everyone else's.

I agree. It's the way he went about it. And I don't understand why he has been praised for "looking after his reproductive health" - what's it got to do with his reproductive health? It doesn't stop him getting STIs or anything and he wouldn't be the one to get pregnant. OP I understand why this is painful for you.

Callyem · 08/08/2023 20:17

Was he secretive about it, telling you after the fact or did he tell you in advance and see it through?

Ultimately, his body, his right to do so. He absolutely doesn't want more children and you have to either accept that or leave him, and that seems like a risk he was willing to take.

Original poster
toots123 · 08/08/2023 20:17

No, I don't think he should be miserable just so that I'm not. I wanted to discuss it in full and make a decision together as a couple. If I had an unplanned pregnancy I would just be doing the same as him (making a decision for both of us)

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 20:19

So when a man complains that their partner is pregnant and they didn’t want another child they are criticised on here if they didn’t take any precautions and relied on their partner to take charge of contraception. Now they get criticised for taking precautions when they definitely didn’t want any more children

Ezzee · 08/08/2023 20:19

millymollymoomoo · 08/08/2023 20:10

I don’t agree with other posters entirely

while I get it’s fair that one parent doesn’t want more, I think these things should be talked about and discussed with your partner and wife and her feelings and wishes considered rather than just unilaterally going ahead with something they don’t want. You should take tine to consider and be certain that as a couple it’s the right decision.

i’m not sure I’d forgive that tbh

No, if this was a woman talking about a pregnancy that she wanted but the man didn't she would be told it's her body, her choice ... same applies.

CoffeeBean5 · 08/08/2023 20:20

He knew I wasn't finished having children but he was and decided to make sure we didn't have an unplanned pregnancy.

Were you planning on stopping your contraception without telling him so you could have an 'unplanned accidental' pregnancy? You have more than one child. You can't force him to have more.

Didimum · 08/08/2023 20:21

For me it’s either two firm ‘yes’s or it’s an automatic no when it comes to children. I’d side with your DH here. You haven’t answered how many children you have?

sparklefresh · 08/08/2023 20:21

The one who doesn't want the children gets to make the decision. Both parents should be on board with bringing a new life into the family and if they aren't, it shouldn't happen. You can be sad but it's his body and his choice. Plus it sounds as though you already have at least two children.

Original poster
toots123 · 08/08/2023 20:21

My reply was directed to @shreddiesGirl And @CoffeeBean5

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 08/08/2023 20:24

Sounds like he knew you would try and get pregnant without any discussion tbh. I think he absolutely did the right thing. And your reaction, after three years, is not normal. Are the children you do have not enough?

Callyem · 08/08/2023 20:25

Sounds like your DH didn't want to spend the next few years being harangued and coerced into a further pregnancy that he knew he didn't want.

ConnieTucker · 08/08/2023 20:26

It is incredibly difficult as it is one of those situations where there is no compromise. If you want more children, you need to divorce.

Pineapplewaves · 08/08/2023 20:27

How old are you?

If you can't move on, are you young enough to leave, find someone else and have children with them?

Your DH would have to accept that making that decision without full consultation with you cost him his marriage in the long term.

Forgive your DH, accept there will be no more DC and get on with your life OR leave him and have more kids with someone else?