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Original poster

No more children

91 replies

toots123 · 08/08/2023 19:43

After our youngest child was born DH arranged to have the snip.

He knew I wasn't finished having children but he was and decided to make sure we didn't have an unplanned pregnancy.

That was 3.5 years ago and I'm still left heartbroken. I find it hard visiting new babies, I cant even answer if anyone asks me if I'll have any more children and I'm generally not sure how I can move on

He took the full decision into his hands so not only can we have no more kids, I didnt even have any part of the decision.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or can offer advice?

OP posts:
ludicrousmode · 08/08/2023 20:30

Do you think you'd feel better if you had a chance to try and persuade him to change his mind, and he didn't?

I know it's hard but if he doesn't want more - and he seems pretty certain he doesn't - then it's not a great idea to try and bring a child into the world in those circumstances.

Imnotdrinkingmerlot · 08/08/2023 20:30

I understand why you feel so upset. I suspect there's more to it though if your dh did it without even discussing it with you.
Ultimately its his decision/ his body, but I think the way he went about it without discussion was wrong. Couples therapy might be helpful for you to move on, and crucially, improve communication. However, I say may, as no one seems to say it helps on this forum unfortunately.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/08/2023 20:33

No one has control over my body- my husband included! You have no right over his body- he didn’t want to produce anymore children, completely reasonable. Sorry OP but YABU.

Original poster
toots123 · 08/08/2023 20:37

I didnt mention how many children we have as I know the mumsnet rule - no more than 2 🤣

We have 2 children (3 if I'm allowed to include our stillborn baby)
So yeah, I know I'm not allowed to want any more.
Love the standard replies accusing me of trying to force him into another child (definitely wouldn't as I've already said)

It also seems big marital decisions can be made by one person now so that's good to know.

Thanks for all the replies

OP posts:
Noicant · 08/08/2023 20:37

I didn’t want to have any more children, DH did. I felt more strongly about it so we didn’t. Nothing would have convinced me to have more, making a life is a serious business and should be done wholeheartedly by both parties. I think he was very sensible to take charge of his own fertility tbh.

MattBerrysToupee · 08/08/2023 20:46

When it comes to a vasectomy or an abortion it's completely the owner of the body that makes that choice.

You're of course free to leave.

lunaalice · 08/08/2023 20:46

I always wanted 3. I felt as though I was grieving for a family I don't have. Only now my 2 are older and I know i couldn't start again I've accepted it. Still feel sad.

ConnieTucker · 08/08/2023 20:47

It also seems big marital decisions can be made by one person now so that's good to know.

but you're upset because you wanted to make a marital decision on your own.

Strokethefurrywall · 08/08/2023 20:51

I can see it from both sides here.

I always wanted 3 kids, husband wanted 2. I knew after DS2 that I wasn't done but if we were going to stick with 2 I wanted my heart to have a chance to catch up to my head.

Husband wanted a vasectomy and I asked him to wait - I felt (at the time in the throws of post baby blues) that he was taking the chance away from me before I could come to the realization on my own that a 3rd wasn't a good idea. I never wanted to have another baby if we both weren't 💯 but I knew if I'd stamped my feet hard enough he might have agreed. That being said, I wanted to give myself a chance to deal with no more babies in my own time, and DH was ok with that.

It took until DS2 was about 4 for me to accept and decide that we were done. There was nobody else missing from our family.

But I would have probably felt like you if my husband had unilaterally decided to have a vasectomy, that I had no time to come to terms with it.

Of course it's his body, and his choice, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I can understand him taking control though, because if the tables were turned now and husband decided he wanted a 3rd, my response would be a "hell no" and I have locked my birth control in tight.

You just need some time to get your head around it. I did too, and that's ok. But don't hate him for this, if he's an otherwise good man, husband and father.

Anothernamethesamegame · 08/08/2023 20:55

I can imagine this is very difficult op. I totally felt don’t after my second so I was lucky, I can imagine it’s horrible not feeling done. Possibly loss/grief also plays in to that?

Ideally he would have discussed the options with you, however at the end of the day it is his choice to make about his own reproduction.

Do you think maybe he knew you would desperately want more and so didn’t even open it for discussion?

Goldbar · 08/08/2023 20:56

I think it was insensitive of him to approach it this way, especially given your loss. I completely understand why you might feel that there is one missing and why the prospect of potentially having another baby might feel like filling a bit of the awful gap that a loss like that leaves.

I also think some posters are being breathtakingly offensive in suggesting that the reason you're upset is because you were planning to "trap" your DH into having another baby 🙄. They should really have a word with themselves.

bakewellbride · 08/08/2023 21:09

I wish I could be in your shoes, I've been desperate for dh to have the snip pretty much since dd was born in March last year. The stage we are at now is a telephone consultation booked for February 2024 (!!) I know you'll never see it like this but it's good that dh has been responsible. Now that it's done perhaps it's best to try to see it in a positive light and move on.

RosaKim · 08/08/2023 21:11

I agree, he was insensitive in his approach. It’s 100% his body and his choice, but you have a family together already and a deep and meaningful conversation should have happened - that’s what a marriage should be about. I am very sorry for your loss OP. ❤️

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/08/2023 21:11

The problem is OP one’s body is not a marital decision, it’s the owner of said body. As someone above pointed out, same for an abortion.

Time4achange2 · 08/08/2023 21:41

toots123 · 08/08/2023 20:37

I didnt mention how many children we have as I know the mumsnet rule - no more than 2 🤣

We have 2 children (3 if I'm allowed to include our stillborn baby)
So yeah, I know I'm not allowed to want any more.
Love the standard replies accusing me of trying to force him into another child (definitely wouldn't as I've already said)

It also seems big marital decisions can be made by one person now so that's good to know.

Thanks for all the replies

Stuff the standard MN quota. Not everyone read the online manual before adulthood. It seems there are some very strange views on MN sometimes, depending on the day of the month. OK for women to have an affair but woabetide a man does and of course the OW is a totally innocent player in breaking up a family but the OM not. Sexting is quite normal until you hit 50 or it comes out and miraculously everyone is on a massive income and nobody has a loo brush but I've yet to work out how they clean shitty toilets, unless the hired help does it for them cos career driven woman don't have time as so busy earning enough to have mahoosive saving pot by age 40 and have paid off their mortgages.

Some of us live in the real world where some women naturally want more (or less) than 2 children.

I have 7, 2 StepC I brought up from very small, two from my first marriage, an adopted baby son , then two from my second marriage and all before I reached 37. One of my children has chosen to have only one, one has two the eldest has 7 (two adopted) and middle child has 4, 2 which they adopted. This of course is a travesty on MN as none of us should have thought about our 2.2 children until our late 30's 🙄

To have more children or not is a joint marital decision and both partners should be fully signed up for it. I feel for you OP as know some women are naturally born to be great mothers of more than 2 whilst being career driven or not....and you only have one life.

I don't know your set up and even if you have discussed your feelings with DH. Have you considered broaching the idea of fostering long term with your DH? Just an idea.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/08/2023 21:46

OP, sorry to hear that you had a stillborn baby.
I'm wondering if that was after the other 2, as I suspect that might affect how you feel about having another. I know when I had a miscarriage at 15 weeks, the fact that I had children at home helped, but I was desperate for another baby and did go on to have one. Obviously there will always be a sadness for the one I lost, but if I had not had the subsequent baby, I don't know how I would have got over it.
I know it's not the same, but im guessing there's a great big hole in your family which is why this decision is such a big thing for you.
I really don't think it's fair for DH to have made this decision unilaterally. Of course he had ultimate control over his own body, but his choice affects you. I would find this very hard to accept.
I really feel for you.

Zanatdy · 08/08/2023 21:48

Goldbar · 08/08/2023 20:56

I think it was insensitive of him to approach it this way, especially given your loss. I completely understand why you might feel that there is one missing and why the prospect of potentially having another baby might feel like filling a bit of the awful gap that a loss like that leaves.

I also think some posters are being breathtakingly offensive in suggesting that the reason you're upset is because you were planning to "trap" your DH into having another baby 🙄. They should really have a word with themselves.

Totally agree with this. Some people on here give out advice I’m sure they wouldn’t be happy with if it happened to them. So married couples don’t need to discuss this as it’s his body autonomy that trumps everything else? Back in the real world, it’s a conversation couples would have together before any permanent solutions are taken. Most normal people would be upset that he went ahead and did it, especially after such a tragic loss

Elepunt · 08/08/2023 21:50

At the end of the day it's his body and he's taken responsibility for his fertility, I can see why you're upset but at least he isn't doing what loads of men do by saying they don't want any more children but expect the woman to take charge of contraception. Sadly if he felt strong enough to do this discussion wouldn't have changed his mind I doubt. Its sad when what people want doesn't align, but you need to come to terms with the fact he cant/won't have another child and make a decision accordingly; move on or meet someone else who does want one.

Louoby · 08/08/2023 21:55

I can see where your coming from. You are a team, a partnership and these decisions that effect you both should have been considered and discussed together. It's a real shame he didn't include you in his decision making. Not only is he taking steps to not have anymore children himself he is ultimately stopping you without even a discussion.
How is your relationship generally? If a baby is something you desperately want, is it something you can forget about? Are you considering ending your relationship or are you just venting? Either way, you can decide for yourself. It's not the end if you don't want it to be.

millymollymoomoo · 08/08/2023 21:58

@Ezzee then we simply disagree

i wholeheartedly think that married couples should discuss, share views, fears, wishes, reasoning and take time to do so etc on matters like this not just make a unilateral decision

MariaVT65 · 08/08/2023 22:00

Hi OP. Really sorry about your loss.

I think you need to find a way to come to terms with the decision as you can’t do much about it and it’s not something you have control over. I agree with the other posters comparing this to an abortion scenario. Yes it’s good to discuss things, but ultimately it’s up the person whose body it is.

Was it also down to a practical decision? Would you have been ok financially supporting another child? Do you have enough room etc?

The reason I ask is that I have a close friend who is in a very similar situation in terms of being upset her partner had the snip. But she is living with her dad and 2 children in a 3 bed house and doesn’t even have a bedroom for her baby, let alone money for more childcare etc. So i think her partner was very sensible.

arethereanyleftatall · 08/08/2023 22:06

Think also about the child. This would be a child born to a father who didn't want them. (Even if they were persuaded). I guess they'd possibly never find out, but I'm not sure I'd like to find that out.
Anyway, it's a Yabu from me, the choice rests entirely with the person who's body it is.

ludicrousmode · 08/08/2023 22:07

Firstly, I'm really sorry for your loss - that's devastating.

It also seems big marital decisions can be made by one person now so that's good to know.

Oh come on - Marriage has nothing to do with it. You must have thoughts on what happens if one person wants a baby and the other doesn't - someone in that situation is always going to end up with what they want - who 'wins' shouldn't be a consideration when you're talking about creating a new life. It's one of those situations where it's really important for both parents to be on board.

Do you think your huge loss is contributing to the feeling of "not enough" children?

You're allowed to feel sad about things not working out the way you wanted! I think many of us have had to compromise. Obviously not all of us have to do that after suffering the loss of a child though Flowers

gwenneh · 08/08/2023 22:21

i wholeheartedly think that married couples should discuss, share views, fears, wishes, reasoning and take time to do so etc on matters like this not just make a unilateral decision

How many children one wishes to have is a unilateral decision.

neilyoungismyhero · 08/08/2023 22:34

It seems to me men aren't allowed a say in whether an unplanned pregnancy continues- it's the woman's body and that's sacrosanct. He has no say in having to provide for a child for the next 18 years ..end of.
Now we're being told by
some posters that he shouldn't make any decisions about his body without consulting his partner. Maybe he was trying to avoid the potential constant demand for another child which he may or may not have agreed to, to keep the peace and his wife happy.