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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No more children

91 replies

toots123 · 08/08/2023 19:43

After our youngest child was born DH arranged to have the snip.

He knew I wasn't finished having children but he was and decided to make sure we didn't have an unplanned pregnancy.

That was 3.5 years ago and I'm still left heartbroken. I find it hard visiting new babies, I cant even answer if anyone asks me if I'll have any more children and I'm generally not sure how I can move on

He took the full decision into his hands so not only can we have no more kids, I didnt even have any part of the decision.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or can offer advice?

OP posts:

Phos · 09/08/2023 11:07

Unfortunately in this situation, the one who doesn’t want kids trumps the one who does.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 11:16

Phos · 09/08/2023 11:07

Unfortunately in this situation, the one who doesn’t want kids trumps the one who does.

Totally agree with this. But I think it's usual for that to he expressed before "I've had a vasectomy".

Maybe he had already expressed it though and the OP just didn't want to hear it so he pressed ahead anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 11:17

That's a good point actually, OP. Had he told you he wanted a vasectomy before he got it done? Did you know he didn't want any more children?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 11:36

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 09/08/2023 10:09

If an OP posts here tat her husband has said he wants no more children then posters tell her to tell him that if he doesn’t want more children then he should get the snip.

Equally if a woman ends up with an unplanned pregnancy that the DH doesn’t want she is told that if he didn’t want then he should have had the snip.

It seems that the understanding on here is, her body, her choice, his body her choice.

Exactly; the usual double standards.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 11:40

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 11:36

Exactly; the usual double standards.

Show quote history

I think the vast majority of people have said his body his choice.

Some have added that a heads up would have been nice (but I actually suspect this probably happened in reality).

No one has said she had the right to make the decision for him.

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 11:40

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 11:36

Exactly; the usual double standards.

Show quote history

It isnt the usual standard at all. Youve had to search hard to find posters saying he should be made to have another child. The vast majority of posters have not said this at all.

Hungryfrogs23 · 09/08/2023 11:55

Honestly there have been so many threads on here today that have had some really mean, judgemental replies.

'Woman wants more children' does not automatically equate to 'woman planning to trick unsuspecting dh into more children' 🙄

It's OK to want more children. It's OK for DH not to want more children. But it isn't OK for one spouse to make a massive, life altering decision that affects both people without even discussing it.

Much like finances, if one half of a couple made a massive financial decision that affected both, you'd expect it to be discussed. That doesn't mean coercing the other person to change their mind, but discussing it and having open communication about it rather than making a unilateral decision is not unreasonable to expect in a relationship.

I'm sorry OP, mumsnet is a bloody weird place sometimes. It's a horrible situation to be in, because neither of you are wrong for feeling how you feel. I'm sorry for your stillborn too, I wonder if that plays a part in both his desire to be done, and yours to have more as you are really a mum of 3? As some other posters suggested, possibly explore some counselling to see if you can find a way to live more comfortably with your situation. Sending hugs, it's not a nice situation to be in x

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 12:46

Hungryfrogs23

I've re read the OP a couple of times. She's certainly implied, and we have unanimously inferred as a result, that there was no discussion.

But, on reading it again, she doesn't actually say that there was no discussion. Just that he made the arrangements and made the decision on his own. And that he knew she did want more.

If they each wanted a different outcome then there was no joint decision ever going to be made. Who else was to have the final decision if not him? He was always going to make that decision on his own because it wasn't the one she wanted.

I don't think anyone has been mean or judgemental. Just honest.

Callyem · 09/08/2023 13:12

I asked a few pages back if her DH had told her in advance what he was going to do or literally showed up after the event and informed her and I didn't get a reply.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 13:16

Callyem · 09/08/2023 13:12

I asked a few pages back if her DH had told her in advance what he was going to do or literally showed up after the event and informed her and I didn't get a reply.

Almost unanimously! 😉

I suspect that what she meant was he didn't even waver in his decision.

CalistoNoSolo · 09/08/2023 13:50

OP has been very evasive about a number of key points, the main one being how much discussion there was regarding the vasectomy. I haven't read anything from her to suggest he came home one afternoon and blithely informed her he'd just had the snip.

I still think the vasectomy was to stop any possibility of an 'unplanned' pregnancy and that OP was very aware that he was going to do it.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 15:40

CalistoNoSolo · 09/08/2023 13:50

I still think the vasectomy was to stop any possibility of an 'unplanned' pregnancy and that OP was very aware that he was going to do it.

I agree.

Not that it matters.

I hope the OP gets support for her loss because I also agree that her feelings around that are what is making it harder for her to move on from this.

gwenneh · 09/08/2023 16:15

But it isn't OK for one spouse to make a massive, life altering decision that affects both people without even discussing it.

When that decision is directly linked to the bodily autonomy of the person making that decision, yes, it is.

Hungryfrogs23 · 09/08/2023 19:56

gwenneh · 09/08/2023 16:15

But it isn't OK for one spouse to make a massive, life altering decision that affects both people without even discussing it.

When that decision is directly linked to the bodily autonomy of the person making that decision, yes, it is.

I disagree. I'm not suggesting they should be persuaded, coerced, bribed or pressured to change their mind, but they should discuss it when it's a decision that affects them both.

Communication is the absolute basic in a relationship and respect for the other person whose life you are making decisions for too.

GreyCarpet · 10/08/2023 07:22

The OP didn't say that they didn't discuss it though. She just says he made the decision anyway.

A pp said that when she asked directly if it had been discussed, the OP didn't answer.

myNewName21 · 10/08/2023 07:34

Hungryfrogs23 · 09/08/2023 19:56

I disagree. I'm not suggesting they should be persuaded, coerced, bribed or pressured to change their mind, but they should discuss it when it's a decision that affects them both.

Communication is the absolute basic in a relationship and respect for the other person whose life you are making decisions for too.

Show quote history

I bet there was discussion, but ultimately it’s still his choice.

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