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Original poster

No more children

91 replies

toots123 · 08/08/2023 19:43

After our youngest child was born DH arranged to have the snip.

He knew I wasn't finished having children but he was and decided to make sure we didn't have an unplanned pregnancy.

That was 3.5 years ago and I'm still left heartbroken. I find it hard visiting new babies, I cant even answer if anyone asks me if I'll have any more children and I'm generally not sure how I can move on

He took the full decision into his hands so not only can we have no more kids, I didnt even have any part of the decision.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or can offer advice?

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 08/08/2023 23:05

toots123 · 08/08/2023 20:37

I didnt mention how many children we have as I know the mumsnet rule - no more than 2 🤣

We have 2 children (3 if I'm allowed to include our stillborn baby)
So yeah, I know I'm not allowed to want any more.
Love the standard replies accusing me of trying to force him into another child (definitely wouldn't as I've already said)

It also seems big marital decisions can be made by one person now so that's good to know.

Thanks for all the replies

I think your DH has forgotten that he is half of a couple. This matter should have been discussed , not settled behind your back by him. He has no respect for your wants, only his own and you have been deprived of something pretty fundamental to most women:the right to have a child. And he took that right away from you without consulting you.
As others have said, your choice is to accept or divorce. No one can really advise you since we don't know him but I would be wondering what other unilateral decisions he might spring on you.

dottydaily · 08/08/2023 23:08

It should have been discussed as a couple,but it is his body and he must of felt very strongly about not having another child.did he talk about it before he made the decision? Or was it something he did discuss and you were not ready to engage..the fact is he made the decision,enjoy what ye both have,your marriage and the children you have and try move on as a couple.maybe tell him how you feel,and allow him explain why he made the decision… then together move on.life too short,make the most of what you have.

Scienceadvisory · 09/08/2023 00:19

SammyScrounge · 08/08/2023 23:05

I think your DH has forgotten that he is half of a couple. This matter should have been discussed , not settled behind your back by him. He has no respect for your wants, only his own and you have been deprived of something pretty fundamental to most women:the right to have a child. And he took that right away from you without consulting you.
As others have said, your choice is to accept or divorce. No one can really advise you since we don't know him but I would be wondering what other unilateral decisions he might spring on you.

Show quote history

No one has the right to have a child. And she is a mother, she has not been denied anything. It is her husband's right, however, to have a vasectomy. Just as it would be the OP's right to carry on with a pregnancy her husband didn't want.

myNewName21 · 09/08/2023 01:25

SammyScrounge · 08/08/2023 23:05

I think your DH has forgotten that he is half of a couple. This matter should have been discussed , not settled behind your back by him. He has no respect for your wants, only his own and you have been deprived of something pretty fundamental to most women:the right to have a child. And he took that right away from you without consulting you.
As others have said, your choice is to accept or divorce. No one can really advise you since we don't know him but I would be wondering what other unilateral decisions he might spring on you.

Show quote history

And as part of a couple his wants count just as much as the OP’s.

and you have been deprived of something pretty fundamental to most women:the right to have a child

^^ this is blatantly not true, he has exercised his right not to father any more children,

magicintheair · 09/08/2023 07:39

I'm sorry about the loss of your baby.
I wonder if this is the reason why your DH doesn't want another? It must have been incredibly painful for both of you and maybe he just doesn't want to risk experiencing anything like that again?
Either way, it really has to be his decision, just like it would be yours to take or not take contraceptive (or continue or not continue with a pregnancy)

gogomoto · 09/08/2023 07:50

I think it's fine for either partner to make the "enough children" decision because you both get a veto.

I suspect the issue really is about grief for your stillborn child rather than him taking the very sensible decision to have a vasectomy if he doesn't want more children. Counselling might help you, it can be years later you need support

Marblessolveeverything · 09/08/2023 07:55

You are we entitled to your feelings. He has body autonomy. Nobody has a right to control another person's choice.

Can't believe we some replies, images man saying he had a decision on a woman's body

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 08:02

I wanted to discuss it in full and make a decision together as a couple

I completely think that this was 100% his decision to make and not something up for discussion. A decision only he can make about his body is not a joint decision.

But I also think I'd be a bit hurt if the first I heard of it was, "Hi, honey. Guess what I did today!" I think a, "I've been thinking about it. I don't want anymore children so I've spoken to the GP about getting a vasectomy," would be reasonable though. But that's because I believe in giving a 'heads up' in relationships so there are no nasty surprises along the line.

I don't think you should have had the opportunity to change his mind or dissuade him though. If that's what you mean.

SoupDragon · 09/08/2023 08:02

It also seems big marital decisions can be made by one person now so that's good to know.

Decisions concerning someone's own body can be made by one person.

Goldbar · 09/08/2023 08:13

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 08:02

I wanted to discuss it in full and make a decision together as a couple

I completely think that this was 100% his decision to make and not something up for discussion. A decision only he can make about his body is not a joint decision.

But I also think I'd be a bit hurt if the first I heard of it was, "Hi, honey. Guess what I did today!" I think a, "I've been thinking about it. I don't want anymore children so I've spoken to the GP about getting a vasectomy," would be reasonable though. But that's because I believe in giving a 'heads up' in relationships so there are no nasty surprises along the line.

I don't think you should have had the opportunity to change his mind or dissuade him though. If that's what you mean.

I agree with this.

What if you decided to end your relationship over this? Would it be ok for you to come home and say "Hi honey, I'm not ok with never having another child, so just to let you know to expect the divorce papers in the post"? Or would he, assuming your relationship has been quite strong up until now and given that you have two children together, expect you to have given him the heads-up that things were heading that way?

baileys6904 · 09/08/2023 08:24

I mean this respectfully and sensitively, but could your feelings be more tied to the loss of your child rather than the vasectomy itself ( and the ending of that possibility)?

I do think counselling should be an option for you. It does sound like you've had conversations with your husband, you'd both made your wishes known, so perhaps you were just clinging on to the last bit of hope.

I think this runs deeper than just a vasectomy

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 08:37

toots123 · 08/08/2023 20:17

No, I don't think he should be miserable just so that I'm not. I wanted to discuss it in full and make a decision together as a couple. If I had an unplanned pregnancy I would just be doing the same as him (making a decision for both of us)

If he doesn't want more children, there is nothing to discuss.

No always trumps yes when it comes to procreation.

How many children do you already have?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 09/08/2023 08:38

Noicant · 08/08/2023 20:37

I didn’t want to have any more children, DH did. I felt more strongly about it so we didn’t. Nothing would have convinced me to have more, making a life is a serious business and should be done wholeheartedly by both parties. I think he was very sensible to take charge of his own fertility tbh.

Well said!

MissTrip82 · 09/08/2023 09:07

toomuchlaundry · 08/08/2023 20:19

So when a man complains that their partner is pregnant and they didn’t want another child they are criticised on here if they didn’t take any precautions and relied on their partner to take charge of contraception. Now they get criticised for taking precautions when they definitely didn’t want any more children

Are we reading the same thread? Surely you’ve noticed the majority of posters think he did the right thing. Or were you simply in a tearing hurry to run in and screech ‘REVERSE SEXISM’ or similar nonsense?

Soapboxqueen · 09/08/2023 09:59

I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested the OPs DH shouldn't be allowed to have the snip or shouldn't have the autonomy to make the decision.

Many posters have pointed out they'd be upset if it wasn't even discussed. Though I get the feeling the word 'discussed' has different meanings for different posters since some see it as a way to change someone's mind and for others more a heads up 'hey, this is how I'm feeling and I want to do this'.

If my dh went ahead and had the snip (or Indeed any surgery) without even a small mention of it happening, I'd be upset by the lack of communication.

Just as he'd be upset if I found myself pregnant, had an abortion, then the next week said 'I was pregnant but I've had an abortion now'.

Not because he would have stopped me (which he wouldn't) but because it wasn't mentioned.

If the OPs DH felt he couldn't discuss it with her because she's pressurise him or some other issue, they've got bigger problems really.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 09/08/2023 10:09

If an OP posts here tat her husband has said he wants no more children then posters tell her to tell him that if he doesn’t want more children then he should get the snip.

Equally if a woman ends up with an unplanned pregnancy that the DH doesn’t want she is told that if he didn’t want then he should have had the snip.

It seems that the understanding on here is, her body, her choice, his body her choice.

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 10:25

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 09/08/2023 10:09

If an OP posts here tat her husband has said he wants no more children then posters tell her to tell him that if he doesn’t want more children then he should get the snip.

Equally if a woman ends up with an unplanned pregnancy that the DH doesn’t want she is told that if he didn’t want then he should have had the snip.

It seems that the understanding on here is, her body, her choice, his body her choice.

There are some posters whose responses would suggest that across the threads I suspect that they make everyone's eyes roll.

But it's not the default position by any means.

AllOfThemWitches · 09/08/2023 10:32

You have a youngest, which suggests multiple kids, why do you need more?

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 10:33

Soapboxqueen · 09/08/2023 09:59

I don't think anyone on this thread has suggested the OPs DH shouldn't be allowed to have the snip or shouldn't have the autonomy to make the decision.

Many posters have pointed out they'd be upset if it wasn't even discussed. Though I get the feeling the word 'discussed' has different meanings for different posters since some see it as a way to change someone's mind and for others more a heads up 'hey, this is how I'm feeling and I want to do this'.

If my dh went ahead and had the snip (or Indeed any surgery) without even a small mention of it happening, I'd be upset by the lack of communication.

Just as he'd be upset if I found myself pregnant, had an abortion, then the next week said 'I was pregnant but I've had an abortion now'.

Not because he would have stopped me (which he wouldn't) but because it wasn't mentioned.

If the OPs DH felt he couldn't discuss it with her because she's pressurise him or some other issue, they've got bigger problems really.

I don't get the impression that this wasnt discussed at all from this:

He knew I wasn't finished having children but he was and decided to make sure we didn't have an unplanned pregnancy.

it sounds like they did have conversations about further children as they both knew each other’s position.

AllOfThemWitches · 09/08/2023 10:38

Even if he didn't discuss it (if not, why? Would she have tried to talk him out of it?), it's not her right to know. If I wanted an abortion, I wouldn't expect to be advised to tell my partner if I didn't feel comfortable doing so. Or at least, I hope not.

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 09/08/2023 10:39

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 10:25

There are some posters whose responses would suggest that across the threads I suspect that they make everyone's eyes roll.

But it's not the default position by any means.

Show quote history

Perhaps not, but even on this thread there are numerous posters who seem to suggest that this is something which should be discussed by both parties when IMO there’s nothing to discuss.

One party decides they don’t want children, that is their decision and theirs alone. It isn’t something which has to be agreed to by the other party, as hard as that might seem.

It’s different when you’re talking about having another baby, because both parties are responsible for bringing that baby into the world, and it’s not ok to tell a man you’re having a baby which he doesn’t want if you haven’t discussed it before i.e. not ok to deliberately stop contraception without deciding to ttc.

drpet49 · 09/08/2023 10:40

CalistoNoSolo · 08/08/2023 20:24

Sounds like he knew you would try and get pregnant without any discussion tbh. I think he absolutely did the right thing. And your reaction, after three years, is not normal. Are the children you do have not enough?

This

Soapboxqueen · 09/08/2023 10:58

ConnieTucker · 09/08/2023 10:33

I don't get the impression that this wasnt discussed at all from this:

He knew I wasn't finished having children but he was and decided to make sure we didn't have an unplanned pregnancy.

it sounds like they did have conversations about further children as they both knew each other’s position.

Show quote history

I didn't interpret it that way.

More she'd said she wanted more.

Then he'd shown her didn't by having the snip.

But I appreciate we can't know what was said and how as we weren't there for those conversations.

myNewName21 · 09/08/2023 10:59

GreyCarpet · 09/08/2023 08:02

I wanted to discuss it in full and make a decision together as a couple

I completely think that this was 100% his decision to make and not something up for discussion. A decision only he can make about his body is not a joint decision.

But I also think I'd be a bit hurt if the first I heard of it was, "Hi, honey. Guess what I did today!" I think a, "I've been thinking about it. I don't want anymore children so I've spoken to the GP about getting a vasectomy," would be reasonable though. But that's because I believe in giving a 'heads up' in relationships so there are no nasty surprises along the line.

I don't think you should have had the opportunity to change his mind or dissuade him though. If that's what you mean.

Judging by the

He knew I wasn't finished having children but he was and decided to make sure we didn't have an unplanned pregnancy.

Comment from the OP, I suspect that they have already had the discussion about further children ( possibly more than once), and he has taken the decision to ensure there is no “unplanned pregnancy “, as is his choice,

billy1966 · 09/08/2023 11:06

Are you happily married beside this issue?

Is he a kind, loving husband?

To make such a final unilateral decision without consultation is not the actions of a loving partner IMO.

Do you wish to remain married to him?