Working through an affair

[Namefonow]

Has anyone ever worked through an affair? How did you do it? How did you get over the betrayal.

I know most will say it’s not possible but for a variety of reasons I need to make it possible.

I want to know this as well. From my reading so far it very much depends on the attitude of the one who had an affair and the betrayed person too. For them to be open, honest and truly want to make it work for the right reason - because they love the other person and are willing to put the work in to come back together.

It is also not a weakness to want to try and remain together, even through there is so much pressure to end the relationship.

Are you the one that had the affair or the person betrayed by spouse having the affair? More info may help.

I am not the one who had the affair. Both want to make it work. 5 kids and a business together. It’s definitely for the best for us to work through it. Not a perfect relationship but a perfect family life which is my main focus.

It can be done.

But it takes hard work, on both sides.

The guilty party needs to be brutally honest about everything, including the why.

The injured party really needs to be open to moving forwards and not holding on to anger.

It isn't easy, and it isn't always worth it. I know a few couples it's happened in.

One couple, should have split. The anger and resentment and misery is obvious to everyone.

Another couple, by far the strongest couple I know now. They both took ownership, counselling together and apart and worked together.

The other couple, just like most couples. Plodding along nicely together. Very much in love.

I agree with PP's. Both need to put in the work to get through it. The person who cheated needs to look within and really question why they did this, do they feel genuine remorse? How will they ensure this never happens again? They've got to work hard at rebuilding the trust from scratch regardless of what it takes

What reason did your partner give for having the affair?
What sort of an affair was it? Was there an emotional connection? How long had it been going on? How did you find out?

'The perfect family' doesn't mean unhappy mum and dad stay together so everyone can still live together. This isn't about mum and dad and children under one roof = the perfect family.

My family was so much happier after my divorce. Better to come from a 'broken' home than to live in one.

A minority of couples do manage to work through things after an affair and to regain their relationship. Things are rarely ever the same again, as the trust is gone, but they can go on to have basically happy lives. They are the minority though. To stand any chance of it working, the partner who's had the affair has to compeletely own it, accept their responsibility, never minimise, accept the hurt they have caused and continue to cause, disclose all information (so far as their OH wants to hear it), be completely truthful, accept they have proved they are untrustworthy and it will take years to rebuild if ever, never refuse to discuss it, be willing and proactive in putting in a LOT of effort, that will go on for months and years, to rebuilding their relationship.

IF your DH is willing to do all of this (and actually does it) then you might stand a chance.

My husband of 24 years recently became very jealous of me spending holiday time in Spain completely innocently with my daughter , in a row on our return he announced when after a number of drinks how24 years ago he had sex with my best friends wife and while I was asleep upstairs.. it turns out his friends and even my good female friend now all have known about it apart from me. It was just a drunken sex one night on the sofa.. I am so hurt. We have always had this bond of trust and being open and I now feel my whole marriage has been a lie. I have put up with quite controlling behaviour over me his drinking, all of his family living in close proximity.. We have 2 grown up children all doing well but I suddenly feel a mess .. how do I move on

Yes, you can work through it. Work is the key word though - you can’t just sweep it under the rug and pretend it hasn’t happened. I would read ‘Not Just Friends’ by Shirley Glass, and also ‘How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair’. There are lots of other good books and online resources (as well as therapy, both individual and couples).

I also really like this article from Cheryl Strayed about her experience of her husband’s infidelity: https://therumpus.net/2011/08/12/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-81-a-bit-of-sully-in-your-sweet/

Why do you "need" to make it work?

It is possible. I did it. I think when people say it's not possible, they either mean that it wasn't possible in their situation (e.g. partner didn't want to put the work in) or that they would not be willing to.

My observation has always been that the one who was betrayed is the one who does all the "work" and swallows all the bitter pills. The cheaters kind of just shrug their shoulders and keep their heads down until it blows over. Then they cheat again because why wouldn't they?

Not a perfect relationship but a perfect family life which is my main focus.

A perfect family life doesn't exist, and even if so there is nothing to say that has to include the mother staying with a cheating partner. He's done the damage, it's up to you if you want to work through dealing with the fall out, possibly forever or not. I don't see why you would, this is also prudent:

The cheaters kind of just shrug their shoulders and keep their heads down until it blows over. Then they cheat again because why wouldn't they?

What is be proposing he does to help remedy and move forward in this situation?

@Aquamarine1029 I mean, this isn't my experience at all. I would also hazard a guess that any "observations" will be limited since couples working through an affair don't necessarily disclose it to everyone around them.

OP, what has your partner's response been so far? Are they aware that getting through it will involve a lot of work on their part, too?

I think people say it's not possible because it's as plain as day that you could never genuinely be happy in a relationship in which you were treated badly. It's "possible" to go through the motions if your self esteem is that low.

Those are some wild assumptions 😂😂

Hardly. "Yeah I'm really happy with this guy that has zero respect for me".

This. Is your husband on a forum asking for advice on how to make it work? Has he booked a therapist for himself? Or is is just you doing all the legwork?

This.

Especially when the affair was discovered not confessed by the cheater. It would still be going on if they hadn’t been found out and they had no intention of giving up the AP out of choice.

People don’t suddenly change into great husbands who are full of remorse and enthusiastic and invested in repairing things and having a healthy relationship.

They’re usually just annoyed their relationship with the AP has been rumbled and ruined and they just say and do absolutely anything they need to in order to get their wife to believe it was a mistake, let them stay and stop talking about it..including crying, pleading, telling you you’re the only one and the love of their life and it was the OW pursuing them blah blah blah.

If a reality check is needed in moments during their begging and pleading that they love you it often helps to remember when the affair was happening he was going down on her then coming home and kissing you goodnight. Repeatedly.

Sorry if that’s crass and seems a bit strong but it really is the reality of how little respect he has for you. His behaviour and treatment of you has been utterly disgusting and it doesn’t help to minimise that. If he stopped showering or cleaning his teeth you’d go off him soon enough because it’s disgusting..not sure why the thought of what he’s being doing to another woman (usually repeatedly) while he was with you and still being intimate with you isn’t a total turn off!

It sounds like I have no empathy or understanding but I honestly do. Wanting to believe so badly that the man you married isn’t a completely different person drives you to see the positives and believe what he’s saying because the alternative of admitting he’s untrustworthy and doesn’t care or love you the way he should is too much to bear.

I honestly think they need to be kicked out on discovery or very shortly after to live on their own or with a friend. Do their own washing, cooking and everything else. Go to individual and couples therapy while you do the same and have some space away from them. If they’re still invested in making a go of it in 6 months and they haven’t gone off to be with the AP or someone else then and ONLY then are they deserving of you trying to work on things. Make them show you how it really is don’t just listen to their words while they sit in your comfortable home barely facing any real consequences.

No real change to their life and no huge difficulty for them = a green light to do it again once the dust has settled.

It is possible, reconciliation has nothing to do with low self esteem or neediness or wanting to believe x y or z. Some men are cynical and say what women want to hear but many aren’t.
If it turns out you’ve stayed for the wrong reasons the unease won’t go away and you’ll know in your gut that you have, and when you feel brave enough you’ll call it a day and move on.
Not all men who cheat go on to cheat again. Not all men cheat because they like cheating and are cynically waiting for the dust to settle before they do it again.
Some are, however, and you need to look carefully at past behaviour and the unfaithful partner needs to be completely willing to figure out why they did it, without blaming the faithful partner or the relationship.
If the unfaithful partner doesn’t realise that this is all on them, that it was their choice to do this instead of being honest and dealing with any issues they had (or perceived or even invented that they had) and work damned hard to figure that out, then they are not willing to take full responsibility and work hard to deal with their shit and should be shown the door. If you don’t see serious legwork from him and an earnest desire from him to find out why he cheated, I would distance yourself until he does, or distance yourself permanently if he refuses.
No contact at all with OW, (obviously) and a willingness to move heaven and earth to make you feel secure again. I’ve known job changes and even house moves become conditions for moving forward when possible.
He does most of the work, your healing happens on your own timeline, (and most peoples’ timeline is a very long road after betrayal) not his, and boundaries for what is ok and what is not ok firmly in place and made clear by you.
Make no decisions based on fear, and know that you can change your mind at any time and that there’s no shame in either decision. It is not easy, it’s bloody and it’s painful and it’s very difficult, but it can be done and it can be worth it.

reconciliation has nothing to do with low self esteem

Of course it does. No one with decent self esteem would choose to reconcile with someone who had chosen to have sex with someone else. That's okay though, plenty of people with low self esteem will be happier living like this than leaving.

Only if the affair was already over by the time it was discovered. And only if the cheater is truly remorseful , makes no excuses for their crap behaviour and in no way tries to ‘blame’ the innocent party. Don’t even bother trying otherwise.

and this is why I said upthread this - It is also not a weakness to want to try and remain together, even through there is so much pressure to end the relationship.

OP you are no way 'weaker' or 'less than' because you are trying to work through this to stay together.