Working through an affair

[Namefonow]

Has anyone ever worked through an affair? How did you do it? How did you get over the betrayal.

I know most will say it’s not possible but for a variety of reasons I need to make it possible.

Going against the grain a little bit here but if you're willing to accept his affair why not just open up your relationship? Like others have said, if he's done it before it's likely he will do it again. So why not get your kicks at the same time. Then it's all above board and you don't have to have this awful feeling that he could be doing it again. He could well be but you've given him permission to...trust me when I say it will change your complete mindset on it.

Or better still you have a relationship with someone else, fall in love have sex, get some attention and put a ban on him seeing someone else.

He's had his turn.

Good luck to those trying to give it a go but my knowledge is that all of them cry, beg and find their correct path again for a while - might be a year or two or three then the cracks start to show again. The women I know who have "made it work" have done so for the money and status of their husbands.

I'd ignore the two posts above.

@Ihaveoflate has very sound advice.

Not what you want to hear but he will do it again. They always do.

@Allthefeel infidelity is clearly a deal breaker for you and that’s fine, totally get it and respect that. But it doesn’t mean that anyone who doesn’t think or act the same way you do necessarily has low self esteem.
It’s the position from which the person who has decided to try reconciliation which makes all the difference.
People with high and people with low self esteem can both make the decision not to leave. Their decisions to stay are for different reasons though.
After infidelity is discovered people might say “How could you allow him to treat you like that?” when the reality is that nobody allowed them to treat them like that, they didn’t know it was going on or they wouldn’t have. Rarely does anybody get asked if it’s ok to cheat on them in advance. Deciding to stay as long as it ends and never repeats, and is accompanied by remorse and regret on the sort of the unfaithful, and a huge willingness to put things right and help their partner heal, isn’t a self esteem issue at all. Desperately deciding to stay whatever happens and allowing more of it without consent does reflect on self esteem, however. There is a difference between these two situations.
People with decent self esteem who want to try reconciliation are not afraid to leave if they have to and will not tolerate any further poor choices from their partner.
Staying but allowing and ignoring further cheating without consent absolutely suggests low self esteem, and is not true reconciliation.
Having the capacity to understand and forgive someone you love and give them the gift of a second chance has absolutely nothing to do with low self esteem.
You have a better chance of real reconciliation if you have high self esteem, because it enables you to set boundaries that you can stick to and decide from a position of strength what happens next, not weakness, knowing you will be ok whatever happens and have the strength to end the relationship if the second chance is squandered.
People with low self esteem tend to make fear based decisions and are afraid to set boundaries or do or anything which might cause them to lose the relationship. They are more likely to allow further poor behaviour in an attempt to hang in there at all costs. That’s not true reconciliation, it’s turning a blind eye.
There’s a huge difference between staying with high self esteem and staying with low self esteem, but the decision to stay doesn’t automatically mean the decision maker has low self esteem.
It’s decent self esteem which fuels the strength of your decision, and self love and self care which allows you to heal from the betrayal and know that you’ll be fine whether your partner is fully committed to reconciliation and it works well, or they aren’t and you have to leave the relationship. I had a plan B which I was and always will be willing to stick to should my husband squander the chance I gave him and he knows it.
Ironically it’s usually the cheating partner who has lower self esteem, which fuelled validating and entitled behaviour like cheating in the first place. I was cheated on and it hurt like hell but it didn’t for one second reflect on how I felt about my own worth and value. None of my decisions came from fear or desperation.

I don't think self esteem matters, so many women have good self esteem but that falls through the floor in many cases of betrayal.

Picking yourself up after someone has inflicted pain is hard going, how can it not hurt when someone has kept a whole different life secret, a separate world that you knew nothing about, it's a huge deceit that takes an enormous effort and I think the betrayer has to at least match that level of effort to make you feel safe again. If that doesn't come then there is little hope of you being able to let your defences down again and allow love.

To give someone a second chance is such an act of selflesness and I am truly amazed at how forgiving some people are.

Maybe there are differences in peoples ability to overcome such adversity.
I hope it goes well op, time and talking will help.

These threads are always extraordinarily frustrating to me. The old tropes about low self esteem are always rocked out, as are the he’ll do it again/ once a cheater etc

FWIW I believe these comments do not support women who are considering reconciliation at all. All they achieve is shaming women who are already deeply hurt and in pain.

If your head and heart are moving towards staying you need to be supported in doing that as safely as possible. There are ways to minimise risk and support your understanding of what true honest remorse looks like. There are road maps out of it all and clear expectations for someone who cheats in how to move forward. Of course this doesn’t guarantee that they won’t again but it does minimise your risk.

I was lucky enough NOT to be on mumsnet when I first discovered my husbands affair but I was on surviving infidelity. I was guided safely out without anyone throwing out comments which would cause me shame. I was already dealing with intense shame for wanting to stay, I love my husband and wanted to hold my family together but I felt like I was letting my family, my friends, strong women everywhere down by doing what I believed was right for ME. If I’d read some of the comments here from people who are not in reconciliation and do not have a clue what it entails I’d have been absolutely drowning.

As it is I have been on my journey for a good few years now, my husband has worked hard and I trust him (as much as I’d trust anyone again). I have made friends whose marriages are all going well and their husbands are working hard. Will some of these cheat again, I don’t know, but so far they have shown that the grace and compassion their wives have shown has been honoured. These women are not wall flowers believe you and me!

Last night my family and I played board games until late, we laughed and enjoyed being together. Moments like that make me glad I took the path I did no matter how hard it’s been, no matter how people might view me.

I don’t think all cheats are good reconciliation material by a long stretch (it is a risk, no doubt about it) BUT I do believe it’s possible, and knowledge and advice from those experienced in reconciliation is your friend.

I think the main factor will be communication.

Has he come clean about everything? Has he told you why it happened and what he's going to do to ensure it doesn't happen again?

You need to both make your boundaries very clear but without being smothering.

Are you ready to forgive? Do you want to forget?
If you're going to move past this and grow from it, you can't use it against him in arguments etc. You'll need to try to trust he is where he says he is and doing what he says he's doing. He should be open and clear about what he's doing without being prompted.

And it's ok if in a year or two, you realise you can't get past it. It will take a long time.

Good luck.

This was my experience.

First time I worked hard to forgive and got there. He worked hard to show me how sorry he was. Relationship rebuilt over about 2 years. We'd been married 15 years at that point.

He did it again a year later. I tried working hard, but wasn't getting the same back from him, so I stopped trying.

No surprises when it happened the third time.

We're divorced now.

That’s actually what my aunt did. He wasn’t bothered…

Cf my previous messages on this thread for context sorry.
I think he does very much care about the OW at this point as it’s been 30 years and still ongoing though.

It can be done definitely, but as others have said it needs amongst other things total honesty, frankness and self-awareness from both parties as well as a genuine strong desire to try to make it work. I think it also needs both parties to be able genuinely to put the affair behind them. This won't happen immediately or even in the short-term, but if the affair is going to be brought up when tempers are raised or if you are sometimes going to lie in bed wondering "how could they have done this to me?" or "was your lover better in bed than me?", it is less likely to be fixed.

And it will never be exactly the same - something has been permanently broken - but it IS possible for the marriage to become extremely rewarding in every way again AND (despite what some posters on this site seem to suggest) for your self-esteem to remain intact

This.

What work is HE doing to rebuild your relationship?

Please don’t do it. I know someone that forgave an initial 2.5 year affair discovered when they’ve been married for 25 years and we’re in their 50s only for him to be back out there doing it again a couple of years later for a further 20 years before it was discovered leading to the demise of the marriage when they were both in their 70s. It’s horrific and has had a terrible impact on the whole family.

I don't know many people that have successfully made it through an affair. Those that have are still impacted years later & never fully regained the trust. Good luck if you do make it through. My husband of 17 years had an affair but it was a deal breaker for me.

He will do it again in my experience. Do you want to be constantly watching him?

An affair wastes time for everyone involved. Be grateful that you can now focus on yourself, gain back your independence and find someone who treats you right. I would much rather someone waste my money than my time, you never get it back. Get to know yourself al over again and once you do you'll know exactly what/who you really want in life :) good for you!!!

Wow so many people would actually stay with a cheater!? Have we normalised toxic relationships to such a fractured extent that this is acceptable?!

Sorry I don't see any natural relationship between an affair and what you call a "toxic relationship".
There are lots of "toxic relationships" around.
And the circumstances of affairs, initiated by men or women, are many and varied.

Was the affair with a young dolly bird or someone his age?

The former would be mostly sexual and would in my opinion be more forgivable.

The latter would be an emotional affair and completely unforgivable.

Saying that though, I would never actually forgive an affair.

Wow so many people would actually stay with a cheater!? Have we normalised toxic relationships to such a fractured extent that this is acceptable?!

People do successfully work through affairs.
They also choose to leave or find it too difficult ultimately to repair a relationship.

Like everything in life - there is not only one answer , it's quite naive to think there is.

But that's MN for you.

Thank you for proving my point.

@Namefonow the issue you have is that it takes 2 to make things work and your partner must take steps to ensure he doesn't stray again.

Has he expressed genuine remorse and accepted he was at fault? Is he seeking out therapy to unpack why he cheated. What about couples therapy to get your relationship back on track? Are you in therapy to unpack the trust issues this has caused?

He has to be really honest with himself and then you about WHY he cheated. Is there any love left or are you both just going through the motions daily?

Odds are he's said sorry and you are expected to forgive and move on but nothing else has changed so he WILL cheat again because you've given him license to do so by not making him face any consequences.

You'll struggle to be intimate again and you'll never really trust him because you know he is a liar and a cheat.

He blew up your world but you are the one expected to do all the forgiving and move on like it didn't happen.

If he won't engage in any type of self reflection and improvement then you are on borrowed time and your relationship is dead anyway. You cannot save it by yourself.

I hope he really tries for you. You deserve at least that but you should also get yourself more secure because the marriages that survive (only 16%) and last aren't nearly as many as the ones that implode following cheating (54.5%).

Thank you for proving my point.

Don't think it did.