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Original poster

Working through an affair

80 replies

Namefonow · 08/08/2023 13:02

Has anyone ever worked through an affair? How did you do it? How did you get over the betrayal.

I know most will say it’s not possible but for a variety of reasons I need to make it possible.

OP posts:
Duckingella · 08/08/2023 17:25

Remove the business and the kids and then ask yourself if you'd have ever thought about forgiveness?

I'm assuming you were stuck at home with your kids whilst he was off shagging another woman.

He's also done it knowing you're trapped and can't easily leave him;which gives him the temptation to do it again as he knows there's fuck all you'll do about it.

For friends I know who have stuck by their cheating shits of husbands it's been because of the kids;it's slowly gnawed away at them and most have now divorced anyway or their husbands have done it again because well they could

user65754 · 08/08/2023 17:28

Thewookiemustgo · 08/08/2023 17:04

It is possible, reconciliation has nothing to do with low self esteem or neediness or wanting to believe x y or z. Some men are cynical and say what women want to hear but many aren’t.
If it turns out you’ve stayed for the wrong reasons the unease won’t go away and you’ll know in your gut that you have, and when you feel brave enough you’ll call it a day and move on.
Not all men who cheat go on to cheat again. Not all men cheat because they like cheating and are cynically waiting for the dust to settle before they do it again.
Some are, however, and you need to look carefully at past behaviour and the unfaithful partner needs to be completely willing to figure out why they did it, without blaming the faithful partner or the relationship.
If the unfaithful partner doesn’t realise that this is all on them, that it was their choice to do this instead of being honest and dealing with any issues they had (or perceived or even invented that they had) and work damned hard to figure that out, then they are not willing to take full responsibility and work hard to deal with their shit and should be shown the door. If you don’t see serious legwork from him and an earnest desire from him to find out why he cheated, I would distance yourself until he does, or distance yourself permanently if he refuses.
No contact at all with OW, (obviously) and a willingness to move heaven and earth to make you feel secure again. I’ve known job changes and even house moves become conditions for moving forward when possible.
He does most of the work, your healing happens on your own timeline, (and most peoples’ timeline is a very long road after betrayal) not his, and boundaries for what is ok and what is not ok firmly in place and made clear by you.
Make no decisions based on fear, and know that you can change your mind at any time and that there’s no shame in either decision. It is not easy, it’s bloody and it’s painful and it’s very difficult, but it can be done and it can be worth it.

This is great advice.

user65754 · 08/08/2023 17:38

Allthefeel · 08/08/2023 17:07

reconciliation has nothing to do with low self esteem

Of course it does. No one with decent self esteem would choose to reconcile with someone who had chosen to have sex with someone else. That's okay though, plenty of people with low self esteem will be happier living like this than leaving.

This is a very short-sighted view. For many people, it's not even the sex with the other person that hurts the most, but the dishonesty. But also, people make mistakes. If the OP has an otherwise good relationship, there are lots of reasons why they might decide to continue in the relationship.

And actually, I would say that to properly move past the unfaithfulness and not internalise it, it's necessary to have decent self-esteem. Otherwise it will be much harder to move on...

StopStartStop · 08/08/2023 17:50

I can understand why you'd try.
But I think, as you try, you should be keeping those ducks tightly in a row and setting yourself up for a life without him.

Userwithallthenumbers · 08/08/2023 17:57

H and I are currently working through this. I had months of counselling on my own to make sure I wanted it. He is now in counselling on his own.

There is no denying, it is hard, really hard. Giving up and walking away would definitely be easier. I would also be comfortable financially, so for me, this is not based on money, this is about wanting my marriage to the man I have loved for several decades.

There is nothing wrong with my self esteem, self respect etc. His affair was his decision because of his issues, it was not about me. And it is the lies that hurt, the knowing he prioritised her over his kids for months on end, not the sex. That is actually low on my list of concerns right now. Much harder for him as he now has memories and visual images of someone else to get past. I don't.

I don't know if we will make it, but plenty more people do than MN likes to believe. In the real world, people don't talk about it, so until you find yourself in it, you don't know how often it happens.

RandomForest · 08/08/2023 18:04

user65754 · 08/08/2023 17:38

This is a very short-sighted view. For many people, it's not even the sex with the other person that hurts the most, but the dishonesty. But also, people make mistakes. If the OP has an otherwise good relationship, there are lots of reasons why they might decide to continue in the relationship.

And actually, I would say that to properly move past the unfaithfulness and not internalise it, it's necessary to have decent self-esteem. Otherwise it will be much harder to move on...

Show quote history

But the otherwise good relationship gets ruined, the bonds, ties, and memories all become meaningless really and you're left with the practicalities and the financial ties that bond you.
There is no getting away from the fact that affairs damage everything and to not aknowledge that you have to be deluded or never cared too much for the betrayer in the first place.

It has also been my opinion that if a cheater has been found out then his previous actions or behaviours probably wouldn't have been up to scratch and certainly I wouldn't trust his future actions.
Some people in life don't have an up to scratch concience or a decent moral compass enough to not harm others, it nature, some people are intrinsically selfish or cruel for the sake of it. I always think you should remove them from your life, no good will come of accepting nasty people to remain in your company.

Self esteem will be affected if you loved the betrayer, you may deny it but it's there.

RandomForest · 08/08/2023 18:15

I don't know if we will make it, but plenty more people do than MN likes
to believe. In the real world, people don't talk about it, so until you
find yourself in it, you don't know how often it happens.

@Userwithallthenumbers

Of course you can make it if you want to, but you you have to accept that the person you live with is inherantly selfish, he has a different moral code to you, your code takes into account others needs, wants and fears, your partner didn't because he has a fundamental lack of empathy.

I don't blame anyone for remaining together after affairs but to bend yourself inside out to cling on the fact that they should be respected as decent people is pushing it a bit.
It's very difficult trying to regain the respect of someone who finds harming another acceptable, whatever they've done.

Second chances ammount to caution.

user65754 · 08/08/2023 18:17

@Userwithallthenumbers this sounds similar to my experience too. Individual counselling, DH taking accountability and taking the initiative to work on his issues. It wasn't the sex that bothered me either, it was the dishonesty. The hardest thing, on my end, was being able to trust he was telling the truth about really mundane things.

@RandomForest I can only speak from my experience, but our bond and memories are far from meaningless. I'm not sure that's something you get to decide, as a stranger on the internet. You are also making the assumption that the OP's partner has been "found out" - I might be wrong but I don't recall her saying this.

RandomForest · 08/08/2023 18:22

@RandomForest I can only speak from my
experience, but our bond and memories are far from meaningless. I'm not
sure that's something you get to decide, as a stranger on the internet.
You are also making the assumption that the OP's partner has been "found
out" - I might be wrong but I don't recall her saying this.

No your bond and memories were meaningful, they were there to prevent you hurting your partner, the past present and future.
His memories were meaningless, he thought not a jot of anyone but himself when presented with his own pleasure.

Why do you think someone would change when they have revealed their true self, peoples natures do not change, it is them.

user65754 · 08/08/2023 18:29

@RandomForest he will be the first to admit to his selfishness in that moment, but his "true self" is more complex and nuance than can be reduced to a single decision. I'd love to know what it's like to walk around and see the world in such a black and white way.

Have you never made a decision that has hurt another person? I think most of us have at some point. People are always changing and learning from their mistakes. I'm certainly not the same person I was in my 20s, for example.

Godlovesall26 · 08/08/2023 18:37

My aunt did but he kept on with the OW. The kids (my close cousins) were toddlers when it started, early 30s now, and it’s actually still ongoing with the OW, but they are still married and it won’t change as he was quite older, in his 70s now. With the caveat that aunt absolutely knew all this time (she was herself the OW sadly when his first kids were pre teens) but chose the financial security (did not want to work, he was an extremely hard worker and still provides for his kids, two of which have a bit taken after one, one having recently had a baby with no financial sense (think still spending on takeaways etc with gf then calling dad for nappies). Not what you really asked for maybe but it’s the only experience I truly know the ins and outs about. She is happy though (in regular contact with my mum) and doesn’t regret it.
Although I should mention maybe to be fair the first few years she hoped, lots of arguments, then she made her choice.

Godlovesall26 · 08/08/2023 18:38

Godlovesall26 · 08/08/2023 18:37

My aunt did but he kept on with the OW. The kids (my close cousins) were toddlers when it started, early 30s now, and it’s actually still ongoing with the OW, but they are still married and it won’t change as he was quite older, in his 70s now. With the caveat that aunt absolutely knew all this time (she was herself the OW sadly when his first kids were pre teens) but chose the financial security (did not want to work, he was an extremely hard worker and still provides for his kids, two of which have a bit taken after one, one having recently had a baby with no financial sense (think still spending on takeaways etc with gf then calling dad for nappies). Not what you really asked for maybe but it’s the only experience I truly know the ins and outs about. She is happy though (in regular contact with my mum) and doesn’t regret it.
Although I should mention maybe to be fair the first few years she hoped, lots of arguments, then she made her choice.

Sorry two of which have taken after mum ie not working although able, no health issues

rockingbird · 08/08/2023 18:40

I tried and failed and walked away with nothing but my children and our clothes. I wish you luck, my mental health was at rock bottom - I realised that and decided to go. A year on, I'm like a new person and wished I'd never bothered trying to work it out. I hope you can work it out, not an easy thing to do! I now know that infidelity is a complete deal breaker no matter what the circumstances.

MillWood85 · 08/08/2023 18:41

You're already thinking this through all wrong OP. It's not for you to get over.

It's for him to move heaven and earth to convince you that he's sorry, and it won't ever happen again.

RandomForest · 08/08/2023 18:42

user65754 · 08/08/2023 18:29

@RandomForest he will be the first to admit to his selfishness in that moment, but his "true self" is more complex and nuance than can be reduced to a single decision. I'd love to know what it's like to walk around and see the world in such a black and white way.

Have you never made a decision that has hurt another person? I think most of us have at some point. People are always changing and learning from their mistakes. I'm certainly not the same person I was in my 20s, for example.

It wasn't a single decision though was it , it was a concerted effort everyday to conceal his abhorrent actions, which further more was done to prevent you the same options as you thought you had an agreement by marriage and by love to remain monogamous.

Would he be happy for you to take a lover now ?

My thinking is not black and white it is realistic, I can see many nuances between right and wrong and I suppose I have hurt others but actually don't think I've done it intentionally.
I also respect those who forgive immensely.

Godlovesall26 · 08/08/2023 18:43

Godlovesall26 · 08/08/2023 18:38

Sorry two of which have taken after mum ie not working although able, no health issues

Show quote history

Dad still works in his mid 70s therefore, his kids have long since found out and there’s a bit of emotional blackmail, mum never has been asked to work a day. To each their own I guess. The ‘kids’ seem absorbed with money at the moment, no knowing what the future holds (he’ll surely have to retire at some point)

Userwithallthenumbers · 08/08/2023 18:44

I actually see a man who is deeply traumatised by himself, who has gone against all his own personal moral values and is really struggling to come to terms with his own behaviour. A man who has given a lot of his life to the unselfish service of others and is now wracked with guilt and shame.

Whilst I do not blame myself, I do also know I was extremely difficult to live with for long periods of time for a range of reasons. That does not excuse his decision to have an affair, but they rarely happen in a vacuum. Part of the healing for me has been to recognise that part of me and let it go, so that I bring my best self to any future relationship. I have changed enormously over this period.

RandomForest · 08/08/2023 18:47

@Userwithallthenumbers

I respect your decision, it is yours alone to make.

I hope you take good care of youself from now on, you sound a good person.

user65754 · 08/08/2023 18:51

@RandomForest part of our work in overcoming what happened was to set boundaries and expectations, instead of assuming them. Through therapy, I realised that monogamy actually wasn't as important to me as I thought it was - but honesty and integrity are. I have no desire to have another lover, but we have agreed that if either of us ever wanted to that we would discuss it with each other. I could forgive him for wanting to have sex with someone else, but I would never forgive him a second time for lying to me like he did.

Your thinking might be realistic for your relationship. But if you can't see that some couples can successfully and willingly overcome infidelity, it is not realistic for all relationships.

Sandjune · 08/08/2023 18:54

It's for him to move heaven and earth to convince you that he's sorry, and it won't ever happen again.

Yes what is he doing? There'll be plenty for you to work though and live with, but he needs to also be proactively reflecting on what he has done and working through how to move forward. Personally for me I tried to move on, but the thought of him having sex with someone else was too much to move on from, good luck to you.

RandomForest · 08/08/2023 18:58

Your thinking might be realistic for your relationship. But if you can't
see that some couples can successfully and willingly overcome
infidelity, it is not realistic for all relationships.

Of course people can overcome infedelity, but you have to aknowledge the relationship has changed, you have to change, the betrayers don't change.

**

Octosaurus · 08/08/2023 19:02

You need to have a pass to have your own affair in your own time. Surely it's the only way to overcome the resentment....

Ihaveoflate · 08/08/2023 19:03

I'm eight months in to reconciliation post affair admission and although it's been very hard, I am hopeful we'll make it. I'm also fine if we don't but I'll have given it a shot.

My advice FWIW:

  • focus on your own healing and let go of the outcome
  • read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass and work through it together
  • he should read How to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald
  • get on the Surviving Infidelity forum for great advice, support and resources
  • work out what your conditions for reconciliation are and stick to them
  • counselling helps process the trauma; rewind therapy has been brilliant for me

My husband fucked up hugely but he has proved himself willing, committed and able to do whatever it takes to repair himself (and therefore give the marriage a chance). This is very rare and I'm immensely proud of what he's doing post affair. Even if we separate, we have to coparent effectively and I could do this now with genuine respect for the man.

I do not have low self esteem. I have chosen to give the father of my child the time and space to sort his shit out and prove himself worthy of my love. I'm perfectly happy with that decision.

letthatmango · 08/08/2023 19:18

Happily reconciled, not bitter, no low self esteem, husband made HUGE life style/choice changes to win me over.

However, MN is NOT the place for reconciliation advice. It will just send you crashing into a shame spiral which can lead you feeling worse than you already do with some well meaning posters telling you their ‘truth’.

Get yourself on Surviving Infidelity and their reconciliation forum (the posters there saved my sanity in the early days) read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and pass it to your husband, affair recovery videos are also a superb resource.

Watch actions over words EVERY time, it can be done but both parties need to be 100% on board.

Good luck.

booksandbrews · 08/08/2023 19:30

letthatmango · 08/08/2023 19:18

Happily reconciled, not bitter, no low self esteem, husband made HUGE life style/choice changes to win me over.

However, MN is NOT the place for reconciliation advice. It will just send you crashing into a shame spiral which can lead you feeling worse than you already do with some well meaning posters telling you their ‘truth’.

Get yourself on Surviving Infidelity and their reconciliation forum (the posters there saved my sanity in the early days) read ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’ and pass it to your husband, affair recovery videos are also a superb resource.

Watch actions over words EVERY time, it can be done but both parties need to be 100% on board.

Good luck.

100% agree. I would also recommend the Reddit forum /asoneafterinfidelity - it’s full of excellent, supportive advice.