He’s robbed me of my third child

Havanawinter · 2023-08-07T22:17:14+00:00

I found out a few weeks ago that he’d cheated. It was a happy ending from a massage parlour worker and our relationship is over. We have 2 DS’s aged 5 and 2. We’d been talking for a long time about having a third child because we’ve both always wanted 3, it was just about when. I am devastated by his cheating of course but I find myself feeling surprised that I’m most bereft that I’ll never have any more children now. I’m too old to meet someone new and get to a position of having a baby together, and to be honest I don’t know how I’d ever trust anyone again anyway. I am so full of grief for the future I’ve lost. When will it get better? I need some hope, desperately.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 07:00

If this is an otherwise very happy marriage is this something that you might consider working through in therapy? Just putting that out there.

I am also not with father of my child and feel similar about maybe only having one child and him potentially not having a sibling - like grief for both of us. What I am focusing on though is to be grateful I have my ds and to make his life as wonderful as I can and to try and trust in the process, while also planning to leave the door open 'just in case' I meet someone amazing to have another baby with or maybe even find my son a step sibling.

Hibiscrubbed · 08/08/2023 08:50

If this is an otherwise very happy marriage is this something that you might consider working through in therapy? Just putting that out there

Put up with betrayal and cheating for the sake of a hypothetical third child?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 09:10

Hibiscrubbed · 08/08/2023 08:50

If this is an otherwise very happy marriage is this something that you might consider working through in therapy? Just putting that out there

Put up with betrayal and cheating for the sake of a hypothetical third child?

Not putting up with, but 50% of couples stay together and work through things after cheating if someone is honest. I assume her DH was as otherwise how could she know. He made a horrid mistake yes but it COULD be the catalyst for them to work on their issues and have a happy marriage the other side- it often is.
I would absolutely hate my partner to do this but it's almost like the least bad way of cheating in some ways in my view. Not ok but not a definite LTB in my view. Just being careful she doesn't throw a whole life together away over aomwehring that could be forgiven or worked through

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 09:14

That said if a few weeks later she's not missing him nearly as much as the imaginary 3rd baby then it's a sign that the marriage wasn't great and the happy ending cheating was probably a symptom of the marriage ending rather than the entire cause

ZickZack · 08/08/2023 09:28

Op, I'm sorry that's awful. You're allowed to grieve the future you thought you'd have.

AmazingSnakeHead · 08/08/2023 09:31

I completely understand. I only have 1 because DP turned out to be a bit of a knob after DS was born, but I really wanted 2 children, and still do. It's very sad for me know that I will never have another one. I sometimes wonder if I should just have gritted my teeth and gone through potential bullshit from DP for longer, but it's done now. Concentrate on enjoying the children you have.

Wisenotboring · 08/08/2023 09:34

You.never know. I had similar feelings of sadness. I was convinced I would.never have a 3rd child. I met someone else and now have a 3rd! She is a real delight to us all.

Hibiscrubbed · 08/08/2023 09:43

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 09:10

Not putting up with, but 50% of couples stay together and work through things after cheating if someone is honest. I assume her DH was as otherwise how could she know. He made a horrid mistake yes but it COULD be the catalyst for them to work on their issues and have a happy marriage the other side- it often is.
I would absolutely hate my partner to do this but it's almost like the least bad way of cheating in some ways in my view. Not ok but not a definite LTB in my view. Just being careful she doesn't throw a whole life together away over aomwehring that could be forgiven or worked through

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I’m really sorry your bar is so low for the behaviour of men. Truly. Going to a ‘massage parlour’ and paying a woman to give him a blow job/wank him off is not a ‘mistake’.

Thankfully it seems the OP has higher standards as she says she’s already ended the relationship, and is now grieving the future she thought she’d have.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 08/08/2023 11:10

I will never understand why people want 3 children.

What is it about a third child that will bring you joy?

Whats wrong with sticking with 2 or if you want more why not 4?

You are upset about the situation and you’re blaming it on the fact you wanted a third, which must be upsetting but could you imagine being a single parent to 3 kids?
Even with a 2 parent family 1 child always ends up getting left out.

I would be thankful that you’re able to cope with 2 kids on your own and you’re able to give them both your time and attention.

Focus on the kids that you do have.

Mourning over something that isn’t going to happen is not going to help you move on.

I’m sorry this happened to you but it’s obvious you are a very strong woman and I know that you’ll be able to get through this and will be glad he’s gone soon.

Rupiduti · 08/08/2023 12:59

@Itsnotrightbutitsok what a strange comment. Why is it so strange to want 3 children? There are many factors as to why people have 0, 1, 2, 3, or 10 children. Who are you to dictate how many children a family wants?!

And for what it's worth. I am one of 3 and never felt left out. We loved hanging out together and still do!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 13:40

@Hibiscrubbed absolutely, you and the op can have whatever make or break or rules or boundaries you like in relationships- for some people any bit of infidelity is absolute deal breaker, but for half of people it's not and many couples do stay together and work things out the other side, sometimes coming out stronger, especially when someone is honest and opens up about it - that's a fact - I'm just saying it's not such a clear cut objective LTB like some of the multiple affairs and abusive and contempt etc you see on here. Also 'happy endings' can often be offered by surprise so could literally be a very spur of the moment decision which is still wrong but to me less bad than a premeditated and ongoing affair (I can empathize with how it might be tempting and easy to convince oneself in the moment that it's just part of the massage if eg in a totally sexless and affectionless marriage) - I remember an ex telling me he was offered a 'willy massage' which he told me he declined at a 5* hotel in Vietnam which he was surprised about as he thought that was only something that happened in very seedy places. OP I'm curious how you found out?

You know in the SATC movie if you've seen it when Carrie tells Miranda she thinks she made a mistake leaving Steve after he confesses a one night stand and wants to work together to improve their marriage, as she is miserable without him? I was thinking along those lines. But if OP wants to leave him over this, or literally anything else, that's her prerogative.

I also wonder if op being fixated on the 3rd baby he didn't give her reflects how he felt in the marriage- like someone to provide kids but not a valued partner or someone who was fancied or admired etc. no offense op as I know nothing about you so just take or leave these thoughts and ideas if not relevant to you.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 13:40

Basically I'm saying that if she wants her family back and her 3rd baby it might be possible if they're both willing to work on things

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 13:43

Ps back to my original message about how I felt the same after having only one and expecting to have two... it does get better and counselling definitely helped me to write a new story and get excited about the life that lies ahead for me and my boy, even if it's 'just' the two of us x

Yeval · 08/08/2023 14:13

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Do you think men go to massage parlours, AKA brothels, for a restorative massage? Are you really that naive? They go for sex. 8 out of 10 of the women who work in these places are from Eastern European countries, many of them trafficked. They are being sexually exploited, experience high levels of violence from the punters and their pimps, and living lives of abject misery. For God's sake, do some reading on the subject.

These threads are always such a depressing insight into the ways some women will excuse and justify men's disgusting misogynistic behaviour.

OP, I hope you're OK

agent765 · 08/08/2023 14:29

Have you asked him why he went?

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 08/08/2023 14:32

agent765 · 08/08/2023 14:29

Have you asked him why he went?

I'm going to take a leap here and assume it wasn't for the deep and meaningful conversation that he doesn't get at home.

PanicDisorderYay · 08/08/2023 14:32

agent765 · 08/08/2023 14:29

Have you asked him why he went?

How the fuck would that help?

WunWun · 08/08/2023 14:34

OP it look me about a year to properly stop grieving my old 'future life', but it gradually got to that point obviously. It was much harder in the beginning.

I think the best thing is to keep yourself busy with friends and family, doing fun things x

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 14:38

Yeval · 08/08/2023 14:13

@Unexpectedlysinglemum Do you think men go to massage parlours, AKA brothels, for a restorative massage? Are you really that naive? They go for sex. 8 out of 10 of the women who work in these places are from Eastern European countries, many of them trafficked. They are being sexually exploited, experience high levels of violence from the punters and their pimps, and living lives of abject misery. For God's sake, do some reading on the subject.

These threads are always such a depressing insight into the ways some women will excuse and justify men's disgusting misogynistic behaviour.

OP, I hope you're OK

Yes but we don't know if it was a dodgy one like that- literally what I just said is that in some counties happy endings are offered by surprise even in non obviously seedy 5* international brand hotels - could have been this and taken him by surprise, could have been premeditated horrible brothel type thing we don't know. I'm just imagining the scenario with my ex, he was really weirded out we'd both been for massages in our hotel separately and obviously only he was offered that, clearly the ladies there wanting a bigger tip. Different to sex trafficking type scenarios. You don't know that it was this exploitation kind of place any more than I do until the op gives more details if she wants to, but she doesn't have to justify why she's left him to anyone. I'm just offering her a different perspective just in case she's left a marriage that could be fixed and robbed herself of the family she wants unnecessarily. I'm definitely usually in the LTB camp but not definitely so here.

WunWun · 08/08/2023 14:48

The OP has already said it's over so I'm not sure why on earth anyone would want to convince her to stay. It's not like she's undecided.

WunWun · 08/08/2023 14:49

She's already left the bastard. Why anyone would try to convince her to go back is beyond me.

Uremindmeofthebabe · 08/08/2023 14:53

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 08/08/2023 11:10

I will never understand why people want 3 children.

What is it about a third child that will bring you joy?

Whats wrong with sticking with 2 or if you want more why not 4?

You are upset about the situation and you’re blaming it on the fact you wanted a third, which must be upsetting but could you imagine being a single parent to 3 kids?
Even with a 2 parent family 1 child always ends up getting left out.

I would be thankful that you’re able to cope with 2 kids on your own and you’re able to give them both your time and attention.

Focus on the kids that you do have.

Mourning over something that isn’t going to happen is not going to help you move on.

I’m sorry this happened to you but it’s obvious you are a very strong woman and I know that you’ll be able to get through this and will be glad he’s gone soon.

It's not really something for you to understand, is it? How very odd

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 16:29

WunWun · 08/08/2023 14:49

She's already left the bastard. Why anyone would try to convince her to go back is beyond me.

As I said in my first message I was 'just putting it out there' she's obviously free to ignore it, which she's doing.

WunWun · 08/08/2023 16:30

Obviously she's free to ignore it, but why would you want to "put out there" the idea of going back to someone who has no respect for her? What does that say about you?

BiscuitsandPuffin · 08/08/2023 16:44

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 08/08/2023 11:10

I will never understand why people want 3 children.

What is it about a third child that will bring you joy?

Whats wrong with sticking with 2 or if you want more why not 4?

You are upset about the situation and you’re blaming it on the fact you wanted a third, which must be upsetting but could you imagine being a single parent to 3 kids?
Even with a 2 parent family 1 child always ends up getting left out.

I would be thankful that you’re able to cope with 2 kids on your own and you’re able to give them both your time and attention.

Focus on the kids that you do have.

Mourning over something that isn’t going to happen is not going to help you move on.

I’m sorry this happened to you but it’s obvious you are a very strong woman and I know that you’ll be able to get through this and will be glad he’s gone soon.

I know this is mind-blowing information, but you can't have a fourth child unless you have a third. 🤦‍♀️