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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s robbed me of my third child

87 replies

Havanawinter · 07/08/2023 23:17

I found out a few weeks ago that he’d cheated. It was a happy ending from a massage parlour worker and our relationship is over. We have 2 DS’s aged 5 and 2. We’d been talking for a long time about having a third child because we’ve both always wanted 3, it was just about when. I am devastated by his cheating of course but I find myself feeling surprised that I’m most bereft that I’ll never have any more children now. I’m too old to meet someone new and get to a position of having a baby together, and to be honest I don’t know how I’d ever trust anyone again anyway.

I am so full of grief for the future I’ve lost. When will it get better? I need some hope, desperately.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 20:49

WunWun · 08/08/2023 16:30

Obviously she's free to ignore it, but why would you want to "put out there" the idea of going back to someone who has no respect for her? What does that say about you?

What makes you think he has no respect for her? It might have been respect for her and therefore not wanting to lie to her that made him confess what had happened. (Unless she found out another way but I don't see how she would?)
I've never cheated on anyone but I have a friend who has - stupidly got flattered and snogged a fit younger guy in a club when very drunk around the 7 year itch time- and literally out of respect for her marriage she spoke to her husband about it honestly with a heartfelt and genuine apology. This prompted relationship therapy and lots more honesty from both sides about the state of their relationship, what they would both like to work on and need from each other and how they can both put effort in to keep the spark and excitement alive. A few years on they are an extremely strong couple and I think that snogging, while very wrong (and not as bad as what op ex has done) was a catalyst for their relationship improving and strengthening hugely. They didn't have more children but happily could do now if they wanted to. This is the angle I'm coming from, not 'op you should forgive and forget and be a doormat and let him cheat'

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/08/2023 20:52

@Itsnotrightbutitsok - I think @Havanawinter is going through the grieving process, and I would argue that it IS something she needs to go through, to process her feelings and to be able to move forwards.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 20:55

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius I agree

Havanawinter · 08/08/2023 20:56

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MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2023 21:01

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You shouldn't have to clarify. I'm so sorry.

And unlike PP I actually think it's the worst kind of cheating. Paying some poor, possibly trafficked, woman to wank you off when you have two working hands. Ugly, lazy, misogynistic behaviour.

And I think you're focusing on the third child because it's such a tangible, obvious pain. It's something your grief and anger can coalesce around. It will get better. It will.

Mom2K · 08/08/2023 21:35

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

Obviously you're welcome to your own opinion about giving a cheater another chance, but the fact that you're returning repeatedly to defend that opinion and present hypotheticals that clearly do not apply to the OP...it is really unhelpful and actually derails the thread. So maybe...just, let it go...

@Havanawinter

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but we'll done knowing your worth and not putting up with it.

SemperIdem · 08/08/2023 21:38

It is completely normal to grieve the life you thought you would have had, alongside the relationship ending. When you have made a life with someone, it isn’t just about the relationship but also the hopes attached to the life you had whilst in it. Those hopes are not always transferable to life after it, and that is hard to come to terms with.

You will come to terms with it though, in time. Be patient with yourself, it is absolutely fine to grieve the future you thought you would have had, whilst powering through into your new reality.

Tigertigertigertiger · 08/08/2023 21:42

Completely agree with @Unexpectedlysinglemum
op I’m sorry this is happening to you but your attack on @Unexpectedlysinglemum is unwarranted.

WunWun · 08/08/2023 21:46

The OP hasn't attacked anyone?

Hibiscrubbed · 08/08/2023 21:48

Tigertigertigertiger · 08/08/2023 21:42

Completely agree with @Unexpectedlysinglemum
op I’m sorry this is happening to you but your attack on @Unexpectedlysinglemum is unwarranted.

I think you should read again.

monsteramunch · 08/08/2023 21:49

@Unexpectedlysinglemum

I would absolutely hate my partner to do this but it's almost like the least bad way of cheating in some ways in my view.

You'd rather your partner paid someone (more likely than not someone vulnerable in some way) for sexual contact than plain old fashioned cheated?

I would break up with my partner regardless but I would lose absolutely any respect for him if he had paid a sex worker - men have no way of knowing for sure if the woman they pay for sex is coerced, abused, trafficked etc.

Men who pay for sex are willing to run the risk they are one or more of those things. Decent men don't even risk contributing to the misery of women in those situations. They certainly don't get wanked off by them.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/08/2023 00:27

Tigertigertigertiger · 08/08/2023 21:42

Completely agree with @Unexpectedlysinglemum
op I’m sorry this is happening to you but your attack on @Unexpectedlysinglemum is unwarranted.

If you want to forgive the selling and buying of women's sexual services, go right ahead.

But don't give the OP shit.

Honestly, I despair at some people's standards. And telling off the OP on top of it? Words fail me.

Hivaluegirl · 09/08/2023 01:46

This is disgusting please don't think about taking him back you can meet someone else

Octosaurus · 09/08/2023 01:58

Spent donor! Eff that other guy

Nat6999 · 09/08/2023 03:24

Have you been to the sexual health clinic? If not, I would make that a priority. You need time to process what he has done & to make a plan going forward. Do the practical stuff like copying payslips, bank & pension statements etc, get a bank account in your own name & get everything like wages, child benefit etc paid into it, transfer half of your joint current account into your own account. Go through bank statements to see if he has been spending joint money on this woman. Get yourself a good solicitor & when he moves out, put a claim to CMS. You need to get angry & be strong, don't be a doormat to him & don't try to force him to stay, be ice cold & businesslike to him, even if you feel completely broken inside.

Bananarepublic · 09/08/2023 03:35

And I think you're focusing on the third child because it's such a tangible, obvious pain. It's something your grief and anger can coalesce around. It will get better. It will.

Absolutely this.

It's all awful and hard to contemplate. All the loss of the hopes and dreams you invested in the relationship. I'm so sorry.

All I can say is be kind to yourself. Take all the support you can. This is like a bereavement in many ways and you deserve to have care and love to get you through this time. It's completely natural to hate his guts one minute and want to speak to him the next. Flowers

Mothership4two · 09/08/2023 03:51
Flowers

Very natural for you to grieve for your "lost child". I did when I went into my menopause.

On a completely different note, did you report the massage parlour?

MissTrip82 · 09/08/2023 04:00

I’m so sorry. The grief you’re experiencing over the loss of that future is so raw.

Sceptre86 · 09/08/2023 07:04

Take the time to grieve the future you thought you would have. Reach out to friends and family for support. Then get it together as you have 2 young kids to focus on and a life to build without him (if that's what you choose).

drunkpeacock · 09/08/2023 07:40

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The thing is, we start threads to get different perspectives on things. @Unexpectedlysinglemum has offered a perspective that you and others disagree with and that's fine but I don't get the need to be so angry about it. She has actually been very rational and not at all rude in her posts, I don't think she's goading you op, just defending herself from slightly hysterical posters who can't disagree without it becoming a personal attack.

Anyway, I'm sorry this has happened to you op, it's obviously very painful!
I hope that, in time, you are able to find a solution, I know a few people who've met a new parter and had a "bonus baby" later than they expected so there is some hope.

millymollymoomoo · 09/08/2023 08:10

@Unexpectedlysinglemum has valid perspective and is free to post as much as anyone. People can disagree, or agree with her , up to them.

all she’s s really trying to say is while op is angry, hurt and upset, maybe take time to think about whether she ( and them as a couple) could work through it and get to a place of forgiveness. That’s a valid point and one worth asking.

of course we dont know op or her ex or why he did it or anything about them and op is perfectly ok to say you know what, I won’t put up with that. But people in RL do work through such things and that’s actually also fine too

user40463 · 09/08/2023 09:24

Really awful bullying toward @Unexpectedlysinglemum and what a horrible comment from OP.

All @Unexpectedlysinglemum did was offer a different opinion. The reason why she kept responding is because pp would not let her have a different opinion hence the need to defend it.

Peony654 · 09/08/2023 09:32

I think the fact you’re upset about a non-existent child rather than him cheating is pretty telling. Don’t get bac with him just to have a child, that’s cruel.

WunWun · 09/08/2023 09:37

But it wasn't even slightly relevant to the thread. The OP had already stated she has left him. And her presumption that the husband had confessed, which seemed to be a pivotal point in her thesis, wasn't even correct.

It was just a woman turning up to a thread where another (obviously upset) woman has been treated very badly by her husband and already left him, and suggesting she takes him backbecause he probably didn't mean it. It's disgusting and hurtful.

The OP didn't say anything vaguely bullying to her.

PanicDisorderYay · 09/08/2023 09:38

takes him back even. Meant italic not strike through.