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Original poster

He’s robbed me of my third child

87 replies

Havanawinter · 07/08/2023 23:17

I found out a few weeks ago that he’d cheated. It was a happy ending from a massage parlour worker and our relationship is over. We have 2 DS’s aged 5 and 2. We’d been talking for a long time about having a third child because we’ve both always wanted 3, it was just about when. I am devastated by his cheating of course but I find myself feeling surprised that I’m most bereft that I’ll never have any more children now. I’m too old to meet someone new and get to a position of having a baby together, and to be honest I don’t know how I’d ever trust anyone again anyway.

I am so full of grief for the future I’ve lost. When will it get better? I need some hope, desperately.

OP posts:
floribunda18 · 10/08/2023 05:49

It seems hard now but your future self will thank you for getting rid of this appalling man and not becoming further dependent on him by having more of his children. And in ten years time when you are not paying for three x everything.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/08/2023 06:04

So he was taken by surprise because he went for a massage at a non-seedy place and they offered him a happy ending out of nowhere? He was so shocked he went along with it? Get a grip.

Don't forget he accidentally booked her again. Don't forget that 'mistake'.

Rubiconmango · 10/08/2023 06:27

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 07:00

If this is an otherwise very happy marriage is this something that you might consider working through in therapy? Just putting that out there.

I am also not with father of my child and feel similar about maybe only having one child and him potentially not having a sibling - like grief for both of us. What I am focusing on though is to be grateful I have my ds and to make his life as wonderful as I can and to try and trust in the process, while also planning to leave the door open 'just in case' I meet someone amazing to have another baby with or maybe even find my son a step sibling.

This is the worst thing I've read in ages. As if you advised this. I'm not even going to get into it. But no. Just NO.

BlastedIce · 10/08/2023 06:29

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/08/2023 09:10

Not putting up with, but 50% of couples stay together and work through things after cheating if someone is honest. I assume her DH was as otherwise how could she know. He made a horrid mistake yes but it COULD be the catalyst for them to work on their issues and have a happy marriage the other side- it often is.
I would absolutely hate my partner to do this but it's almost like the least bad way of cheating in some ways in my view. Not ok but not a definite LTB in my view. Just being careful she doesn't throw a whole life together away over aomwehring that could be forgiven or worked through

Show quote history

He made a horrid mistake?

Are you for real? How was this a mistake? I mean we all make mistakes, but this was a deliberate act.

OP is also say if all you’re grief is about a third hypothetical child then your marriage had huge issues.

Rubiconmango · 10/08/2023 06:34

Shocked to read how low the bar so many women set for themselves. Makes me mad. If you have kids, don't be SELFISH and stay in an unfaithful marriage FOR YOURSELF under the excuse 'for the kids'! You're doing it for you at the expense of your kids!

montecarlo7 · 10/08/2023 06:38

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/08/2023 06:04

So he was taken by surprise because he went for a massage at a non-seedy place and they offered him a happy ending out of nowhere? He was so shocked he went along with it? Get a grip.

Don't forget he accidentally booked her again. Don't forget that 'mistake'.

Oh no. That's awful.

caringcarer · 10/08/2023 06:52

Nat6999 · 09/08/2023 03:24

Have you been to the sexual health clinic? If not, I would make that a priority. You need time to process what he has done & to make a plan going forward. Do the practical stuff like copying payslips, bank & pension statements etc, get a bank account in your own name & get everything like wages, child benefit etc paid into it, transfer half of your joint current account into your own account. Go through bank statements to see if he has been spending joint money on this woman. Get yourself a good solicitor & when he moves out, put a claim to CMS. You need to get angry & be strong, don't be a doormat to him & don't try to force him to stay, be ice cold & businesslike to him, even if you feel completely broken inside.

Very good advice to follow OP. It is always sad when a marriage breaks down but remember you didn't break your wedding vows. When my exh got angry about having to sell our home and move out I reminded him it was his choice for him to cheat not mine. Do not listen to the poster telling you to take him back, her bar is almost on the floor.

sadaboutmycat · 10/08/2023 06:55

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 08/08/2023 11:10

I will never understand why people want 3 children.

What is it about a third child that will bring you joy?

Whats wrong with sticking with 2 or if you want more why not 4?

You are upset about the situation and you’re blaming it on the fact you wanted a third, which must be upsetting but could you imagine being a single parent to 3 kids?
Even with a 2 parent family 1 child always ends up getting left out.

I would be thankful that you’re able to cope with 2 kids on your own and you’re able to give them both your time and attention.

Focus on the kids that you do have.

Mourning over something that isn’t going to happen is not going to help you move on.

I’m sorry this happened to you but it’s obvious you are a very strong woman and I know that you’ll be able to get through this and will be glad he’s gone soon.

How judgemental and unhelpful.

CandyLeBonBon · 10/08/2023 06:57

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 08/08/2023 11:10

I will never understand why people want 3 children.

What is it about a third child that will bring you joy?

Whats wrong with sticking with 2 or if you want more why not 4?

You are upset about the situation and you’re blaming it on the fact you wanted a third, which must be upsetting but could you imagine being a single parent to 3 kids?
Even with a 2 parent family 1 child always ends up getting left out.

I would be thankful that you’re able to cope with 2 kids on your own and you’re able to give them both your time and attention.

Focus on the kids that you do have.

Mourning over something that isn’t going to happen is not going to help you move on.

I’m sorry this happened to you but it’s obvious you are a very strong woman and I know that you’ll be able to get through this and will be glad he’s gone soon.

What's wrong with 3?Confused

Icycloud · 10/08/2023 06:58

You can still have a child through sperm donation

BeenThereDoneThat101 · 10/08/2023 07:17

OP, I think you can be grateful you don’t have any more children.

The man was going to turn out to be a bastard whether you had two or three children, and if it’s only the baby you’re morning then clearly the marriage wasn’t in that great a state anyway and it was probably best not to bring another baby into it.

Far better that you find out before you had another baby than while you were pregnant or had a newborn to contend with.

I had a similar situation wrt having more children. Not exactly the same but I suffered secondary infertility and we ttc another baby for six years. I reached the decision after so long that the age gap was too big, that I didn’t want to spend more time trying to have a baby I couldn’t have, and that I thought it would be better for me to stop and go back to work instead (I was a SAHM). So we called a halt. He didn’t want to, I did.

Anyway just over a year later the marriage ended for various reasons. And looking back I think about how I could have ended up a single parent to two children instead of one.

And being a single parent is hard. There’s no point dressing that up. Especially with tots because you’re doing everything for them, and depending on the level of involvement your ex has with them it can turn out to be relentless.

you have two children. That’s a lot to be thankful for.

There’s no knowing that you would even have had a third baby. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

And there’s not a chance I would go down the route of sperm donation just for the sake of a having a baby, a baby you will 100% be a single parent to 24/7, a baby which could turn out to have disabilities which could make it extra reliant on you.

You could meet someone and have another baby, if it’s meant to be then it will be. But sometimes it just isn’t, and you have to focus on what you have.

user40463 · 10/08/2023 07:20

Where has OP bullied unexpectedlysinglemum? I can't see that.

There's two posts from OP. The OP and one further deleted post, you do the math.

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