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Relationships

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Original poster

I don't want to have sex anymore with my husband

87 replies

UKSouthwesterner · 07/08/2023 18:28

Can anyone share any advice from their own similar situation from past experience on this matter please? I just don't find my husband attractive in a sexual way anymore and I don't know what to do about living with him because of this.
I love him very much, but I just don't fancy him anymore. I was very much in love in the beginning of course, but there have been so many chips away at our shared life, that has chipped away the passion and desire and I don't think it could be resurrected. We have two children, one is a preteen and one older, both living at home of course, we have pets and a business together - so it is really entangled. I really enjoy his company as best friends but I avoid sexual contact whenever he approaches the matter. For me it is partly that he and I have had so many struggles and he has let me down so much, he has promised the earth so many times and over and over delivered a few grains of sand. It is so difficult, I cannot imagine what I would do if we separated either as we have such an entangled life together. Has anyone been through anything similar and what did you do to solve it? I just do not know what to do, if I was wealthy I would know what to do, but we are on the breadline and life is so tough already :-(

OP posts:

Brieme · 07/08/2023 19:16

Sounds tough. I don’t have the answers but hopefully others will have some useful tips.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 07/08/2023 19:23

You won't be the only one @UKSouthwesterner Loads of women get to middle age/menopause - 50-ish - and then CBA anymore. The men often catch up pretty soon after. Me and DH haven't had sex for about 7-8 years since around the age of 49-50, and quite honestly I don't miss it. Not one bit.

I went off it first, and couldn't be arsed with it, DH still wanted it, and kept pestering me for about a year, but I kept refusing as I plain and simple did not want it. Then he went off it himself too. We have lived in celibate harmony for about 7-8 years now. We have a great marriage, and lots in common, and get on really well, and frankly not having to have sex is a massive relief.

I enjoyed is when I was much younger - up to about 43-44 - but then could take it or leave it after that. No answer for you though sorry. Just hope he goes off it too soon!

Bananas1350 · 07/08/2023 19:27

I think it depends if ur husband can live without sex as well. I personally wouldn’t want to have a relationship with my husband if sex was off the table. U end up as friends.

Just be prepared that if u do decide this ur husband may not agree. So he could find it elsewhere. Not all men do. But some do. I think it is an unreasonable request to ask him to live like this if he doesn’t want to. So if u decide this u may loose him.

sex keeps my relationship with my husband to another level. And one that we both work really hard on.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/08/2023 19:29

this isn’t easy

be open to the fact that it might sadly end the relationship if he isn’t able to live with this

at some stage you need to discuss this

be great if he feels the same ! As with a PP

but if he doesn’t then you will have to address it one way or another

FreeRider · 07/08/2023 19:31

I'm the same as @PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer (great username, btw). I reached my mid 40s (nearly 10 years ago) and rapidly went off sex. 'Luckily' I'm in a long distance relationship where we see each other on average for a week every month, so going a period of time without sex wasn't unusual. My boyfriend has been on medication since before I met him, due to aging the dose has had to be increased, and one of the side effects is loss of libido. We had a sit down talk and both admitted that we'd rather not, frankly...that was about 4 years ago and we've not had sex since. We do 'check in' with each other on the subject every now and again to make sure we are still on the same page about it.

For me personally, I can't see the desire ever returning. I think all you can do is be honest with your partner...it may be painful, but you owe him the truth.

PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer · 07/08/2023 19:32

I'm the same as @PleaseGiveMeBackMySummer(great username, btw)

Thank you @FreeRider

CornishGem1975 · 07/08/2023 19:36

I got divorced. I was still really interested in having sex but not with my DH, so it seemed the right thing to do. I'm not interested in a sexless relationship.

YoSof · 07/08/2023 19:39

A relationship without sex is just a friendship, which is fine if that’s what you both want. There’s a lot to be said for companionship with someone you care for.

However, if the other party still wants sex it’s needs addressing. It’s not fair to hope and wait he’ll go off it himself in a few years.

This sounds like a deeper issue than just sex though, you sound unhappy and like you have a lot of resentment towards your husband for things he has or hasn’t done. Life is too short, you say you know what you would do if you had the money so it does sound like the marriage is over. What is your situation with housing/finances? You can make plans to leave even if you can’t leave immediately.

Newlifestartingover · 07/08/2023 19:45

Best to end the relationship and save the friendship rather than risk him having an affair and becoming enemies.

Before considering divorce though he does deserve to know how you are feeling.

category12 · 07/08/2023 19:49

Would he want to stay together if he knew you never intend to have sex with him again?

Whatever he's done, I don't think it's fair to stay in the relationship without him knowing the score.

FreeRider · 07/08/2023 20:00

@YoSof A relationship without sex is just a friendship, which is fine if that’s what you both want. There’s a lot to be said for companionship with someone you care for.

This too. I should have added to my post that I was once, prior to my current 14 year relationship, in the position where I still wanted sex by my boyfriend didn't/couldn't, and I ended the relationship.

A friend thought I was being 'mean and cruel' but at the time I was in my mid 30s and still wanted a sexual relationship. The man ended up married, so I assume he found a woman who was happy to have a non-sexual relationship with him.

YouAreNotBatman · 07/08/2023 20:06

A relationship without sex is just a friendship,

I really wish people would stop saying this non-sense garbage.
Relationship without ses isin’t just a friendship.
What a sad view on relationships and friendships.

Cucucucu · 07/08/2023 20:07

I think any king term relationship without sex is doomed . I know lots will say their relationship is perfect and they haven’t had sex for a decade but honestly I think people lie to themselves.
You are being quite honest in realising this is an issue and honestly applaud you for this as so many refuse to even acknowledge this . You both should both decide if your relationship is worth it or not and if it is then both try and solve this issue.

PeppermintTea2021 · 07/08/2023 20:14

You should never feel obliged to have sex and if the other person wants it and you just don't then it's only fair to consider that your relationship as an exclusive intimate couple might have run its course.

My ex husband was very hurt I know eight years ago by my admitting I didn't want to have sex any more with him after 17 years. We did divorce and are both with different partners now. I feel bad for hurting his feelings but it was the right thing to do. I was having to get drunk to do it just to keep the 'peace'. He didn't actually want to be in that position, not that he knew when it was happening any more than I did. Being truthful with each other has helped us both ultimately.

If you're both comfortable with a wind down in that sort of thing then that's lovely but it sounds like you're unhappy in other ways.

YoSof · 07/08/2023 20:16

YouAreNotBatman · 07/08/2023 20:06

A relationship without sex is just a friendship,

I really wish people would stop saying this non-sense garbage.
Relationship without ses isin’t just a friendship.
What a sad view on relationships and friendships.

I’m sorry if my post touched a nerve.

A relationship without sex is platonic, yes it may be full of love, companionship, shared interests, a whole host of wonderful things but you can have all of that in a deep friendship. What separates a relationship from a friendship?

Ladyoftheknight · 07/08/2023 20:17

My only advice is if you do leave him you'll be entitled to more financial support as a single person than you are with him, so please don't think you'll be homeless without him.
Get your ducks in a row, broach the subject with him and see what the best path to take is. He might agree and you could amicably split, you never know.

VeryWeirdBarbie · 07/08/2023 20:24

I stopped wanting to have sex with my DH a few years ago. I talked to him about it, he wasn't too bothered, and we stopped. We're in our 50s. I think he'd have preferred to keep having sex occasionally but he didn't want me to do anything I didn't want to do and didn't want to lose me. I didn't want to lose him either - we love each other very much and are very happy together.

I've never had much of a sex drive and also I think the closer I've felt to DH the more sex just didn't feel "right". We are family and sex felt almost wrong for that reason - I don't know how to explain it other than that.

I don't know many coupled who are as happy together as we are. We are best friends, conpanions, life partners, we laugh together a lot and talk about everything. We'd be devastated to lose each other and neither of us could imagine being with anyone else. Sex to me is a very, very small part of life. I know for others it's a big deal but for me I can't imagine making major life decisions about who to be with based on sex.

adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 20:26

Women in their 50s you know your DHs in their 50s/60s are definitely getting it elsewhere? Because they are.

gamerchick · 07/08/2023 20:27

It's unfair to unilaterally decide to take intimacy off the table and expect the other party just to figure it out on their own and accept it. You need to talk to him about it and let him decide whether it's a deal breaker or not.

It's fine to go off sex. It's not fine not to have a conversation about it. Being pushed away and not knowing why is hurtful and confusing.

There are options. Some people get on with an open marriage.

Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 07/08/2023 20:27

The book ‘Mind the gap’ might be useful to you (Karen Gurney), it explains how desire works for women and how you can try to reignite desire for your long term partner if that is something you want to do (which you may not of course but it’s an interesting read :)

I don't want to have sex anymore with my husband

VeryWeirdBarbie · 07/08/2023 20:28

That is absolutely not the case for everyone, @adriftabroad please stop making assumptions about other people's relationships you know nothing about. My DH is not "getting it" elsewhere. He and I are very rarely apart for one thing (both work from home).

adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 20:29

VeryWeirdBarbie · 07/08/2023 20:28

Yes, yes.

Shoxfordian · 07/08/2023 20:31

Either be ok with an open relationship or leave him, it’s not fair to decide no more sex for him ever either

adriftabroad · 07/08/2023 20:32

50s is SO young!

VeryWeirdBarbie · 07/08/2023 20:32

Glad you agree now for some reason @adriftabroad 😂

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