I don't want to have sex anymore with my husband

[UKSouthwesterner]

Can anyone share any advice from their own similar situation from past experience on this matter please? I just don't find my husband attractive in a sexual way anymore and I don't know what to do about living with him because of this.
I love him very much, but I just don't fancy him anymore. I was very much in love in the beginning of course, but there have been so many chips away at our shared life, that has chipped away the passion and desire and I don't think it could be resurrected. We have two children, one is a preteen and one older, both living at home of course, we have pets and a business together - so it is really entangled. I really enjoy his company as best friends but I avoid sexual contact whenever he approaches the matter. For me it is partly that he and I have had so many struggles and he has let me down so much, he has promised the earth so many times and over and over delivered a few grains of sand. It is so difficult, I cannot imagine what I would do if we separated either as we have such an entangled life together. Has anyone been through anything similar and what did you do to solve it? I just do not know what to do, if I was wealthy I would know what to do, but we are on the breadline and life is so tough already :-(

I hope my relationship isn’t like this in my 50s. 50 seems so young to me to wither on the vine. Mumsnet is full of threads that are about sexless marriages and affairs. IMO if you can’t give your partner what they need or feel disgusted by the idea of something that to fill fulfilled and loved the kindest thing to do is to let them go and find someone who is happy to have an asexual life without sex. Speaking for myself but a life without sex seems so bleak and like such a big part of life would be missing for me.

No, I just don't put as much importance on it as some women on this thread do.

With the OP though, there are deeper issues here, which is clearly affecting her attraction to him.

Indeed - how depressing. I’m 41 and really hope that when I get to 50 I’m still enjoying it as much as I am now.

I went off it years ago, I'm in my early 60s. It had become a chore, and it wasn't enjoyable. A few things DH did in other areas of our lives put me off even more. In addition, I suffer from lichen sclerosis so it had become so painful - like plunging a double-edged sword in painful! - and although my LS is relatively well controlled, it still hurts. A lot.

In addition, I have sciatica, osteoarthritis and moderate back pain. He has COPD and heart failure.

He thinks he still wants to have sex, but I doubt he could manage it tbh.

@Lookingatthesunset me too- I started when I was 16 and by 52 and with no time on my own to be frank I felt 'shagged out' - and a few things were discovered that kind of killed the sexual attraction for me. I did discuss it- and was very honest but he didn't want to split, so I do occasionally 'join in' but won't do PIV as I simply don't like it anymore. I do care, just don't care about sex.

Same! I've only ever had sex with one man, DH, since I was 21. My then 15 yo discovered he'd been sexting and that killed it off completely.

I don't want to have sex with anyone else either. I just CBA!

I had this with my ex after having my dd.
It lasted months before he cheated so I had an excuse to end it because before that I couldn't get rid
Now I love sex. You aren't into him it's not fair to stay in this relationship

@adriftabroad And vice versa too.

Have your periods actually stopped though?

My menopause started at about 38 (but I didn’t realise or chose to ignore it) and my libido was still quite high for a few years. It was quite a shock to me really when it completely disappeared at about 48. Hormones make such a difference to the way you think about men bit you’ll find that out soon enough!

Personally I think this situation is so rubbish for women and it’s one that no one really talks about or understands. We often have to choose between hrt (and artificially boosting libido) or divorce just because our bodies are doing what they’ve evolved to do. The sex drive tends to become stronger during menopause as it’s our last chance to get pregnant.

You're not doing it right. I feel sorry for you. Perhaps with a different sexual partner you would have enjoyed it a lot more.

Sex is such an important part of a healthy relationship. Without it you may as well be living with a friend.

Those who think their partners are all for the no intimacy that has been forced on them, be aware it us because they have little choice. Until someone comes along who finds them attractive then all the 'we're just happy cuddling' stories will go flying out the window.

Either make an effort and have some kind of intimacy with a partner or let them find it elsewhere.

Not quite and I'm on hrt, which has helped in so many ways, but my sex drive has never diminished. I don't see what the problem is with artificially boosting libido. Humans have been doing it for millennia.

But with sex it's a use it or lose it scenario. DP and I make time for proper sex (not just a quick shag) once a week. OP's situation is different though. I stopped having sex with my ex because our relationship was failing. It didn't stop me wanting sex. With the right person OP will get her libido back.

All you can do is be honest with your DH. There is no one size fits all solution to this. If you don’t want sex anymore you don’t have to have it. Your husband might be ok with this he might not. Like with every bloody part of marriage it comes down to compromise, maybe you could have an open relationship, or maybe your DH will leave. But you won’t know until you talk to him.

Why is everyone so keen to push women into unwanted sex. Why shame women for not wanting sex. If you don't want it, don't do it - let the cards fall where they may.

@Lookingatthesunset I think people forget that a lot of us in long marriages have 'history' that killed the romance/sexual aspect somewhere along the way - so we have stayed married whereas others would have 'moved on' - but the casualty is the physical side of things in many cases.

Yea probably not.
In that case, I'll leave my partner of 15 years, break our family apart, potentially lose our nice home, nice holidays, shared friends and the rest of it for a good shag.

Its not just a friendship. You have a history of shared sexual infancy even if you’re not doing it now.

I went completely off sex at menopause. No interest at all. But l don’t think we just have a ‘friendship’

Whether male or female intimacy is an important part of a good relationship. Fine if both parties agree but generally it seems a unilateral decision that the other has to just accept.

Statistics, innit?

OP my personal view is that the wives who say, ‘I don’t want sex and neither does my H, he went off it too when I kept refusing’ are almost certainly deluding themselves. Their husbands are the type on here talking about the torment of being in a sexless marriage and still hoping. Or they pop along to married people dating sites and start a relationship there. I know for a fact married men talk to each other about their sexless marriages and recommend these sites to each other.

Nobody is doing that. If both parties are on board then it's fine. But the one who doesn't at least has to have an honest conversation with the one who does. You don't get to take away a huge part of a relationship with a suck it up attitude. It's selfish.

Say it's off the table and give the option for the other person to leave if they want.

Thank you, that's a really lovely positive reply. I am internally very confused on the whole matter tbh. Reading your reply - it was very comforting, but I feel guilty towards him harbouring this secret because I know he'd be hurt if I told him, I can't bear the thought of hurting his feelings, whichever way I go about this I am going to upset him. One of my children is going through a really hard time too atm, so breaking up the family would cause more deep emotional damage. One of the reasons I wish I had a vast amount of money, I could at least provide a form of enjoyment for everyone if that were the case. But it's not, I still haven't a clue what to do other than ask the universe for a happy solution. Reading all the replies so far certainly speaks volumes about the fact there's no easy answer unfortunately 😔

You should never have sex you don't want firstly. However if you have decided that you never want sex again, you really should tell him. I have been on the receiving end of constant sexual rejections from a partner and it really chipped away at my self esteem/mental health - but only before I was made aware of the reason behind it (depression in my ex partners case).

There's nothing to be gained from pretending the issue doesn't exist. It will just cause resentment, as your partner may start thinking your feelings have changed and you don't care about his needs for intimacy (if he's anything like me).

There's a lot of talk here about women being in denial about their partners 'getting it elsewhere' and I think sadly that's not far off the mark in more cases than you'd think - particularly where the issue is just swept under the carpet. I know many people who have done it, even more who have tried, even more still who have been tempted (including me). If sexual intimacy is important to your DH it's not fair to unilaterally take it off the table as he's not wrong to want/need sex with his wife. Neither of you are wrong but a conversation needs to be had

You're not doing it right. I feel sorry for you. Perhaps with a different sexual partner you would have enjoyed it a lot more.

What a condescending bitchy and unnecessary post.

Don't you think that avoiding sex and not being honest are equally hurtful and upsetting for him?

Being rejected is painful. Having the sexual side of a relationship shut down without explanation is confusing and painful.

While I totally support you not having sex you don't want, it's not a kind solution to avoid sex and not explain what is going on with you.

If you can't ever see yourself wanting sex with him again, he needs to know and be able to make some informed choices.

By avoiding the truth you're protecting yourself, not him.