Please bear with me as I have never spoke about what has happened to me before, and this is a long message
13 years I was with my partner, he had M.S and a terrible abusive upbringing.
In those year together we never did anything together, not my choice, he had no enthusiasm for life, i don't think i ever sore him smile, i wanted to have days out even just to Glastonbury, because he had already travelled he had no intention to do it again, he wouldn't let me on my own, i couldn't go to a spar because he would leave me, so basically I stayed in the house only going to the local shop or garden centre, the arguments where very intense, nothing physical but mentally, he would let me take the car when he new i was in no state to drive, he accused me of hitting him eventhough he knew i never did, he called me allsorts to the point i thought maybe he was right and I'd forgotten it, i had an emotional break down and he wanted me to be sectioned, and put on more meds, everything was either my fault, his M.S or his childhood every argument he threatened to leave me, or he would ignore me for a few day's until I apologised, I would because the sheer panic i felt if he left me
The last 10 year's we slept in separate rooms, he would go to bed at 7pm he didn't want to watch tv with me, we didn't talk much during the day, and he cuddled me only a few times over the years, closeness was non existent, it never felt right so I blamed my back, in 4 years we had nooky twice, only because I felt guilty,
Myself and my Mum had to ask him permission to do things, Mum has copd he refused to let her get vaccinated, I had the flu jab without telling him because I knew he would leave me and there would be hell to pay,
it was always my fault, or he would blame m.s or his upbringing, we lived Separate lives but it had to be his was, in the end I relied on him to tell me what to think and believe, as long as he wasn't in a mood I could breathe. I even developed an eating disorder because he was strict about meal times, I dreaded them, I was never hungry so lived on yoghurt,
The thing is on the 02/0125 I found my husband dead in his bed, a massive stroke at 45, deep down ive always felt like gaslit me, he denied it saying it's my mental health. and I believed him, my mental health was blamed for everything, I was never on such strong medication before I met him.
So here I am now a few weeks in, completely confused, I'm walking the dog's everyday like he use to, it's a novelty as it was 13 year's ago since I did that, he always said my back was to bad, I can go on but it's hard enough to just write this, something I never thought that i would want to do, but I'm hoping somebody will help me understand the situation I was in and where do you go now, the thing is he loved us all and took on all the manly stuff, this is what's really messing my head up, am I selfish,